(Not) In the Pink

July 25, 2006

Do you still call it a scare, if you’re not scared?

We had a pregnancy ‘alert’ this weekend. The whole late thing, the-past-that-time-of-the-month-thing, you know, the sort of thing that once upon a time had you kneeling on the cold white bathroom floor late at night, praying hard that the cramps would come and that your panties would stain and that you would know that everything was going to be okay.

The sort of thing that, last year, would have had you pacing in anticipation, if you had ever gotten to the missed-period stage. Which you did not, because you obsessively took First Response tests from the first opportunity (how many days-past-ovulation? How many days before expected period? When when when can I test?) The sort of thing that was cause for hope sweet hope. The sort of thing that ended in a WonderBaby.

This time, however… this time, you don’t pray. You don’t know what you want. You count the days off on your fingers in the dark, pricking your palms with your fingernails so that you don’t lose count and wonder how you really feel about this, about this being-late thing.

You know – you think that you know – that you want a Number Two. You just don’t know when, or how. Should siblings be close in age? Should you wait for your body to recover more fully from WonderBaby’s incubation? Can you handle pregnancy with a turbo-charged WonderBaby? Is waiting worth the increased risks that attend thirty-something pregnancies?

Is it possible to love any other being in the universe as much as you love your WonderBaby?

You take a test. Nothing. No line. Negative. You wish that you knew how to read the patter of your heart. Is that a twinge of relief, or of disappointment?

You wait. No period. Three days, four days. Five.

You test again. You wait. You stare into the clean white window of the stick, of your future. You notice that you are staring, hard. You notice that you are looking for it, that slash of pink, the faintest hint of a line that will tell you that, yes, WonderBaby’s sibling is on the way. The empty space of the test window stares back at you, the persistence of its stark whiteness taunting you. Where is the pink? Where is the pink?

A day later, today, the waiting ends with a streak of blood. A different kind of pink. And the sigh, yes, this time, the sigh is deep.

Because you know, now. You’re ready.

(GRATUITOUS WONDERBABY PHOTO will go here, with heart-tugging caption, whenever %*@^*# Blogger gets its photo-upload shit together)

(The good news? Unfettered drinking at BlogHer. Someone’s gotta pick up Kristen’s slack, right?)

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    Jezer July 25, 2006 at 1:31 pm

    I would lay down and die. But that’s just me. Which brings me to the point that hey, isn’t it nice to *know* what you want? For some, I think the if/when wondering about siblings is tougher than deciding to have the first.

    And I so wish I was joining you in sunny CA this weekend. Have a wonderful time!

    mamatulip July 25, 2006 at 1:50 pm

    It’s nice to know what you want, isn’t it?

    Andrea July 25, 2006 at 1:50 pm

    OMG you would have been the 5th blogger in 2 weeks to out herself if that second line had been there. I don’t know if my ready-for-the-second-child heart could have stood it knowing my waiting-for-the-better-financial-stability-of-next-year brain is putting the smack down. Off to blog about you (and the others) now. :)

    Erm, congratulations? At least, on knowing now what you want anyway. Even if the bigger congratulations are in order in the future.

    mothergoosemouse July 25, 2006 at 1:56 pm

    I look forward to the post announcing a name change for WonderBaby…to WonderSis.

    Mother Bumper July 25, 2006 at 1:58 pm

    I’m not sure what I would do… as usual you’ve got me thinking about this. I think that I would be relieved regardless of what the thin blue line told me. Bumper needs a sib and I don’t have too much more time to wait around. But I want space between them (and literally for them). Next summer perhaps…

    I’m so glad you can drink at BlogHer – you’ll get much better stories out of people if you disarm them with your drunkeness. Just stay coherent enough to remember. Ah screw it… get drunk enough to have to check everyone elses blogs for a record of what you did.

    Congrats of every kind HBM ;)

    Annie, The Evil Queen July 25, 2006 at 2:01 pm

    It’s good to know your heart. Congrats on clarity.

    Lady M July 25, 2006 at 2:08 pm

    Like others have said, glad you know what you want!

    When we couldn’t decide on something, SwingDaddy used to say, “Flip a coin and see if you’re disappointed in the result.”

    See you Friday!

    Mayberry July 25, 2006 at 2:11 pm

    I think I might feel this way from now until menopause, to be honest. Being done seems so…final.

    Laural Dawn July 25, 2006 at 2:40 pm

    So glad you know – but I’m sorry it wasn’t the time. On the upside if you were pregnant it would mean no drinking at BlogHer which would suck :(
    At this point I still have no clue what I want – I do want a sibling for my son, but I am so not ready – I am waiting till I’m at least 30 – maybe I will be ready then.
    Or maybe not.

    Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah July 25, 2006 at 2:40 pm

    Well, drink up this weekend and see what you can do about making a baby next month.

    Good Luck!

    Melissa July 25, 2006 at 2:41 pm

    So I guess now you know that you want Wonder Baby to be a big sister. No times is ever perfect. I hop that if you want it to happen, that it does soon. :)

    Have fun at BlogHEr.

    something blue July 25, 2006 at 2:43 pm

    It’s wonderful that an alert can help you discover the answer to a hard question.

    I’m sure most woman can relate to not knowing how to feel about a potential unplanned pregnancy. Joy or relief. Spin the wheel. It lands on everything all at once. Being a woman means you get to experience every emotion at the same time to great heights.

    I loved every word of this post.

    toyfoto July 25, 2006 at 2:49 pm

    I love every word of this post, too.

    And as someone who has been pissing on $5
    for nearly a year and … well still (NOT) in the pink, I understand that emotion. Sometimes I think RELIEF sometimes I think WHEN?

    Jenn July 25, 2006 at 2:58 pm

    Good for you, girl. Does HAH agree?

    bubandpie July 25, 2006 at 3:07 pm

    I will be so, so excited the day the stick turns pink for you! (Or, I mean, maybe three months later, when you actually tell us the stick turned pink? What’s your policy on piss and tell?)

    We never do know our own minds. Maybe you’ve heard me mention how my family is officially done? That hasn’t stopped me from developing a very strange set of psychosomatic pregnancy symptoms lately. The only catch is that I think you have to have sex to get pregnant… Right?

    Devra July 25, 2006 at 3:28 pm

    After I told one of our babysitters I once did an internship at Planned Parenthood, she thought for a moment and said,”Wow, do you realize how much money I will have spent on birth control by the time I am ready to have children?” I told her there are many paths to getting ready.

    HBM, you’ve just added one. Excellent post! (I’ll drink to it on Friday)

    Silly Hily July 25, 2006 at 3:34 pm

    That reminds me of the Friends episode when Phoebe told Rachel her test was negative and she was kind of sad about it only to tell her that she was kidding, it’s positive.
    Two good things:
    1)Now you know you are ready.
    2)Drink it up sister!
    Very true.
    Congratulations on knowing you are ready.

    Mother July 25, 2006 at 3:35 pm

    I’m sure you won’t be alone in picking up my slack.

    Just promise me you’ll say “bulbousheaded lilliputians” with slurred speech at least once.

    Hang in there.

    metro mama July 25, 2006 at 3:48 pm

    So happy for you that now you know what you want. What a huge relief.

    penelopeto July 25, 2006 at 3:58 pm

    i too sometimes wish that we’d have an ‘accident’ just so that we wouldn’t have to think about the should we/shouldn’t we question any more.
    at least this way you can get your drunk on at blogher and we can get the tales of drunken mischief. and it really is all about us, isn’t it?

    Kristen July 25, 2006 at 4:04 pm

    Well, two good things came out of this experience: you confirmed that you’re ready, AND that you can drink without guilt at BlogHer! Wooo!

    Piece of Work July 25, 2006 at 4:13 pm

    Yay for siblings! Yay for drinking at Blogher!

    Susan July 25, 2006 at 4:30 pm

    Clarity is a thing of beauty. So is this post!

    crazymumma July 25, 2006 at 4:40 pm

    I got chills…..It will come…..Anne

    kittenpie July 25, 2006 at 5:46 pm

    Ack! You are?! I am glad for you that certainy came to settle, for this is one of those questions that one could ponder forever… I am awestruck because I am still not sure, and certainly not ready. I have a post about #2 in the works, actually, because it’s a decision I feel that I have to make next year.

    And like “silly” above, I was thinking of that Friends episode too – “Now you know how you really feel!”

    Emily July 25, 2006 at 5:52 pm

    So EXCITING! Soon, soon. I feel like busting out in Chakka Kahn’s “I feel for you…(deeer, nah!)”

    Mommy off the Record July 25, 2006 at 6:00 pm

    Oh, wow. I loved this post. I am getting that feeling too. The feeling of being ready for #2. Exciting and scary all at once. I hope there is a pink line in your future soon.

    sunshine scribe July 25, 2006 at 6:00 pm

    I am aching as I read this. Excited that you know you are ready. Really, genuinely excited. But I can relate completely to the pink line dilemma. The same thing happened to me. Exactly. You could have written my thoughts exactly. And that’s when I knew. I knew with every ounce of me that I was so ready. And still I wait. And now I wait for you too. The pink line will come when it is supposed to.

    Now go drink your face off at BlogHer and celebrate in the “knowing of the ready!” Does that make sense? You know what I mean :)

    Binky July 25, 2006 at 6:01 pm

    Fabulous post. Very resonant. Looking forward to seeing what you do with this newfound knowledge. Have fun at BlogHer!

    Christina July 25, 2006 at 6:28 pm

    It’s funny, I could have written a nearly identical post two months ago. I’m pretty sure I’m ready for #2 as well.

    Of course, I told the huz that we couldn’t start trying until August. I have to be able to drink at BlogHer. :) Actually, it’s because if I have morning sickness like I did with the first, I wouldn’t have made it to BlogHer.

    We’ll have a TTC good-luck toast this weekend, OK?

    miz_kitty July 25, 2006 at 6:48 pm

    I did this with Wonderbaby #1 just last month…and for the first time in my life…it felt like it was alright either way.

    You caputured perfectly how I felt about the line…or lack thereof.

    Haley-O July 25, 2006 at 8:27 pm

    I vacillate totally, too….Sometimes I’m ready, sometimes I’m not….This post definitely hit home for me.

    Great blog, by the way. Your writing is wonderful.

    Kel July 25, 2006 at 8:41 pm

    I had my experience with this about 2 weeks ago. It ended up showing me that I’m not quite ready for that 3rd child. LOL

    I’m glad that because of it your mind is more clear on having a 2nd child.

    Have fun boozing it up and blogher!

    J's Mommy July 25, 2006 at 9:25 pm

    great post. doesn’t it feel good to know something, to really feel like you’re ready?

    BabyMakes3 July 25, 2006 at 9:41 pm

    I feel like I could have written this post too! Except that I don’t have that clarity…just that tiny little twinge of disappointment at the lack of a pink line (and how is that EVEN possible? A is only 6 months old!!).

    Have fun at blogher!

    Mega Mom July 25, 2006 at 9:45 pm

    It is amazing how well that was described. This happened to me with #3 and I was definitely NOT ready, but alas, it was pink. My husband finally said “snap out of it” and I did, but OOF, it was tough.

    Now as that little guy approaches his 3rd birthday,he has become the love of my life. It took me a little longer to get used to the idea of him, to get used to him, but it has been worth the wait.

    Can’t WAIT to meet you!

    Mrs. Chicky July 25, 2006 at 10:20 pm

    Knowing is half the battle now you just have to get busy!

    You know, biz-zay.


    Queen of Spain July 25, 2006 at 10:42 pm

    Pick up the slack, you say?

    Oh, that’s right…we all haven’t actually MET in person yet.

    Sarah and I are on it.

    Anonymous July 26, 2006 at 12:23 am

    No offence, but you will feel this same way when you are waiting for grandchildren. Every month you will hope and pray for this good news of a snuggley new grandbaby! The waiting and feeling just never goes away. So sit back and get comfy, and please enjoy the ride.

    Angel Baby July 26, 2006 at 12:47 am

    Wow, you said it all so perfectly!!

    Dave and I just had our first talk considering that we want a second one… but not sure when. This year? No. Next year? No. The year after that? I don’t know. How do you put the two together- the wanting another one and not wanting to plan it?

    chelle July 26, 2006 at 2:51 am

    Being forced to think about it … really changes how we think about it eh? hehe!

    IMMomsDaughter July 26, 2006 at 5:16 am

    Hi, glad to hear that you’re ready. Congrates on the decision.

    Ruth Dynamite July 26, 2006 at 6:35 am

    Very exciting!

    Mom101 July 26, 2006 at 10:01 am

    C, I could have written this this week. Word for word (although maybe with fewer perfect sentences). Even down to the part about being able to drink this weekend. We’ll have much to talk about in person tomorrow. Great post!

    Michele July 26, 2006 at 1:22 pm

    I just want to say I understand.

    (sigh, and awkward but genuine hug)

    And oh the fun you have ahead of you making that decision real!

    PeetsMom July 26, 2006 at 1:27 pm

    I know EXACTLY what was going on here!

    Your body was just preparing itself to cycle with the other Bloggers at BlogHer!!!

    GIRL'S GONE CHILD July 26, 2006 at 1:59 pm

    Wow. I had that same feeling last month, and maybe ten times since Archer was born. Keep us posted. Beauutiful post.

    Anonymous July 26, 2006 at 3:34 pm

    When my #1 was 12 months old I felt a little “funny” (long before mp was due), so I found an unused stick in the archives (from previous life of trying & testing)and to my surprise I got the thickest, darkest blue line I’d ever seen announcing that #2 was on the way. I started crying for #1 who would no longer be my only baby. Hubby spent the night throwing up in the bathroom. The truth is I prayed for a miscarriage.

    2 years later (exactly) and we are all in LOVE with #2 – my gift from God. Best decision I never made. I was thinking the other day that if it weren’t for our “surprise” we probably would still only have One – and now that breaks my heart. We needed #2 more than we knew.

    Nicole July 26, 2006 at 3:52 pm

    That was a great post. The anticipation I felt while reading it, actually feeling the mixed feelings with you….

    I think many of us have felt that somehow. I know when I was first married my period was late. We were “trying” yet and I had such mixed feelings as I took that test. And, I was a little disappointed with the negative. But, my little ones arrived a few years later, as planned.

    macboudica July 26, 2006 at 5:52 pm

    Well, now that you know what you want, time for the fun to begin in making it happen! Good luck! By the way, having a playmate for Baby is actually really nice, especially when said playmate is of walking/playing age. The kids will actually entertain (and fight, but that is another story) each other for some time during the day and give you some, er, well not really *peace*–more like down time — kind of.

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