staying up is hard to do

August 22, 2007

Hi everybody, it’s motherbumper holding down the fort for Her Bad Mother today.

Since rifling through HBM’s bathroom cabinets has not produced anything worthy of posting about (and she was smart enough to lock the bedroom door), I am forced to tell you one of my own stories.

On the days when I can barely put a post together to publish., I reach back into the ol’ memory box and think about some of the hundred – nay! – thousands of embarrassing moments I have accrued during my years on this mortal coil. One of those usually makes for an amusing post because if anyone can make a situation more embarrassing than need be, it’s this lil’ lady right here.

There are so many blush-worthy moments to chose from but I selected this one because it was the only one I could think of that didn’t involve bodily functions or a time I’d prefer family members didn’t know about.

On a scale of 0 to 10, I’d say this story ranks a three, if the zero is “get over yourself” and ten is “I wish the ground could swallow me whole”.

Many years ago, I worked at a hospital in admin. Proving to be organized and motivated, I had the opportunity to set up a new day surgery ward. Wanting to make a good impression, I decided to wear a skirt instead of the usual not-quite-office casual look.

It was the dead of summer when one likes to wear light, airy cotton but the voice of many “how to get that promotion” articles, various resource counsellors, and my Mom rang in my head, reminding me that nylons are a must when donning a skirt in the office. Bare legs are too casual and in my case, potentially blinding. Which has always been a bad thing to do to co-workers on the first day.

Because of some unshakeable bad karma, early on the first day at the new position, while dressing, I punched a hole in my nylons. And as Murphy’s Law would have it, I didn’t have a back up pair.

Oh you should have heard all those voices in my head when that happened.

I started to panic because it’s rare for me to be able to think straight in these situations. I was convinced that bare legs were going to be the downfall of my employment success. I had no alternative but to ransack the place looking for another pair.

All I could come up with was a pair of stay-ups, one size too big. But they stayed up and were the right colour (not actual photo of my legs that day, those belong to a blogger stand-in).

I made sure they would stay put by doing a little dance around the room, and felt confident because they only needed a small tweak post-boogie. Problem appeared solved.

You see where this is going don’t you?

OK, so now all I had to do was run out and catch the bus and be on time for the first hour of the rest of my life (or so it seemed at the time).

The stop was one block downhill and since I was wearing nice! girly! shoes, I half ran, half slid my way to the bottom of the road. This was where I had to cross, right by a road crew who were tarring something up – logic tell me it was probably a hole.

I gingerly plucked my way across the road, avoiding the loose asphalt, arcing clear of the place where the team was working. In all my fretting, one thing I did not notice was the big spot around the workers that had been tarred earlier but didn’t warrant orange cones. A large area that wasn’t 100% dry.

Did I mention it was hot – a really, really hot summer morning? And it was sunny, really, really sunny.

Well I stepped on that sticky, tacky area of road and when my foot came up, it was shoe-less.

With no time to react, I stepped down with the nylon-only clad foot and immediately took another step to hop away.

Only this time, when I hopped I felt the nylon stay-up slide and slither right down my leg.

Right in front of a very attentive road crew who looked nothing like this road crew.

Engulfed in the men’s laughter, I tried to act completely natural. Only stopping long enough to pry my shoe out of the soft road, I tried to pretend nothing happened. Wearing what I hope was a totally relaxed look, I tried to shove my now filthy shoe on my bare foot.

Walking with head high (but pride oh so very low) I managed to get to the bus stop and sit at the bench to collect myself. I looked back and saw my stocking half-stuck, half-flapping on the road.

Deciding it was better to remove the other one in front of already laughing road workers rather than a bus load of wackos (it was that kind of bus route), I reached down and stripped off the other leg and threw it over my shoulder into the bushes. I didn’t want to risk putting it in my purse, just to have it fall out at the wrong time.

If you could have heard how hard the road guys roared when I made that toss. They looked nothing like this guy while making fun of my predicament.

After what seemed like an eternity, or at least a full two minutes, the bus arrived and I climbed on board. Never had I been so grateful to get on the bus in my life.

Moral of this story? Um… I’m not sure there is one. I guess…. always buy two pairs? when in doubt, use duct tape? always bring a locksmith kit when blogsitting?

Whatever, all I know is I haven’t tried stay-ups since that day.

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    { 28 comments }

    Tracey August 22, 2007 at 7:15 am

    Oh my GOD!! I am totally cracking up. I am actually crying with tears over that post! And I’m off to find other hysterical posts at your site. No pressure.

    Arizaphale August 22, 2007 at 8:01 am

    And that was only a 3????? You must have had a FANTASTIC life so far!!!!! You go girl! :-D

    Assertagirl August 22, 2007 at 8:02 am

    hhaha very good! You handled the situation with much grace.

    metro mama August 22, 2007 at 8:18 am

    That is hilarious, MB!

    kgirl August 22, 2007 at 8:37 am

    dude, that was awesome. your life is like a mentos commercial.

    my minivan is faster than yours August 22, 2007 at 9:09 am

    Phenomenal story! I think your pictures really added something to it. I know I especially appreciated the road crew. They’re kinda short for construction workers, eh?!

    Off to check out your site…

    nomotherearth August 22, 2007 at 9:30 am

    Ha, ha! Kgirl is right – totally a Mentos commercial. I can hear the soundtrack now.

    Mimi August 22, 2007 at 11:04 am

    Too, too funny, Motherbumper! I think it coulda been way worse: if you were actually wearing the full hose, would it have come halfway down? Pinning you to the roadway like some poor hapless office worker ensnared in a giant spiderweb of tar and nylon?

    You know, when the shoe-snag happened to JLo in *The Wedding Planner*, Matthew McConnaughey rescued her.

    slouching mom August 22, 2007 at 11:14 am

    Hahahahah!

    Loved this story.

    Snort.

    Christina August 22, 2007 at 11:19 am

    That is hilarious! But at least you kept your cool – I don’t think I could have done that.

    kim August 22, 2007 at 11:45 am

    Great Story!! You handled it very well. What else could you have done? Aren’t construction guys ALWAYS such gentlemen??!!! And yes, I would have chosen to remove my other stocking in front of the people who were already laughing at me….heaven only knows what the weirdos on the bus would have done (there might have been a fight for possession of the other stocking!!)

    kittenpie August 22, 2007 at 12:01 pm

    You’ve got some moxy on you, kid. (To go with that tar…)

    Major Bedhead August 22, 2007 at 12:58 pm

    Hysterical. The image of you tossing your stocking into the bushes is priceless. But, oh my god, I would have died. That’s only a THREE?? I’d love to hear a six or a seven.

    mamatulip August 22, 2007 at 2:57 pm

    This makes me love you even more. Even MORE! LOL!

    Jenifer August 22, 2007 at 4:03 pm

    That is so funny!

    Sandra August 22, 2007 at 4:51 pm

    And this, THIS, is exactly why I love you xoxoxo

    Rachel August 22, 2007 at 6:53 pm

    That was TOOO funny – and your pictures made the story! :)

    Bloor West Mama August 22, 2007 at 7:29 pm

    I have no doubt that some thing along the same lines has happened to me…I just seam to erase such events from my memory.

    Too funny :)

    Alley Cat August 22, 2007 at 10:13 pm

    Pretty funny for only a 3. I’d love to hear even a 5.

    The Estrogen Files August 23, 2007 at 12:30 am

    A way good 3 there! Can’t wait to hear a 7. I loved the mental picture your story creates – I laughed until I snorted!

    Nice job sitting for HBM.

    Pattie August 23, 2007 at 7:44 am

    *LOL*
    That is one of the funniest stories I have heard in a long time….it deserves much more than a measly 3.
    ;-)

    JamesMommy August 23, 2007 at 10:41 am

    I love, love, love that you pulled the other off and threw it into the bushes (and the pictures/captions were great too). Yup, I agree that I’d like to hear something like a 5 or a 6. I must say, this sounds like a page of my own lifestory of embarrassing, comedic moments.

    Anonymous August 23, 2007 at 2:56 pm

    At turns, a funny, embarrassing, courageous, self-deprecating narrative. It seems during such events, our humour and resilience, in fact, glimpses of our character, are tested and revealed.

    Thank you for sharing. I’ve had too many. Sometimes, however, I think I haven’t had enough.

    Janet August 23, 2007 at 5:37 pm

    You have a very high threshold for embarassment. Great story!

    I would have stuffed the other nylon in my bag, which would have made for two embarassing stories when it fell out while I paid for the vodka to cope with embarassing story #1.

    eclexia August 23, 2007 at 9:42 pm

    That IS a hilarious story. The moral of the story that I see is: move to Florida! You don’t ever have to wear nylons again :) Even in professional jobs. You just wear dressier sandals.

    Mamacita Tina August 24, 2007 at 8:55 am

    Crack me up! Thank you, thank you, thank you! I really needed that laugh. What a great story to share. So I’m curious, if that’s only a 3, what could a 10 possibly involve?

    Kyla August 24, 2007 at 3:40 pm

    That’s so funny. I bet the guys LOVED telling that story when they got home.

    Rusti August 30, 2007 at 11:39 am

    I’m sorry but I had to laugh when I read about the stay-ups! I was on my way to a job interview and was wearing the same “stay-put thigh highs – with rubber no-slip grip strips” or whatever they call ‘em – and I was wearing them for the 2nd time (I’d worn them for an interview the day before and took them off right after) which was a mistake. Apparently the no-slip strips only work if they haven’t already ripped the skin off your thighs… as I’m trying to quickly walk from the parking lot to the building I kept having to grab at my legs – and pull… through my skirt… I was looking very dignified I’m sure… oh what a mess… I’m laughing with you… not at you, I’ve been there – or almost there anyway :)

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