Dark

November 26, 2007

A week and half ago we went for our first ultrasound, as part of an ‘integrated prenatal screening’ to gauge the odds of genetic abnormalities in this pregnancy. In our baby. The ultrasound technician – and, later, the clinic doctor, who examined me closely because of something suspicious that was spotted in my ovaries (another story for another day) – said that everything looked fine. There were still blood tests to do, but they all sounded positive, and we got a lovely picture of a very baby-like fetus that I immediately called Sprout.

But now there’s some doubt that everything’s fine, and I’m losing my mind a little bit.

First thing this morning, my doctor’s office called with a summons. Please come in first thing tomorrow, Dr. NiceLady would like to see you. ~Why? I’m seeing her in a few days.~ Yes, but she’d like to see you tomorrow morning.

An innocuous conversation, but then again, no conversation with your doctor when you’re pregnant is innocuous. I have a scheduled prenatal appointment in a few days, at which time we were going to discuss the results of the IPS. The only reason that I can think of that she would need to speak with me, in person, immediately, is if something’s wrong, so wrong that it can’t wait a few days. So wrong that we need to discuss it, deal it with it, now.

Oh, god.

Husband has a phone call into the nurse to see if we can get more information before tomorrow. Something, anything, to stop panic, or something to let me know that it’s okay to panic. Maybe it’s better to not know for 24 hours?

No. I don’t want to panic. I don’t want to be scared. I want everything to be okay. But hovering somewhere in the dark spaces between should I be scared? and be scared and ohgodit’sbad is killing me, it’s putting so much pressure on my heart that I’ll think it’ll burst.

Please, fingers crossed for me?

Update: Spoke with nurse. It indeed concerns test results, but doctor not in today and nurse can’t discuss with me. Understood my fear – made worse by conversation with her – and asked me to do my very best to relax between now and tomorrow morning. Fuck relax. Will be crying all day, clinging to desperate hope that doctor is just being super-anal about getting results to me quickly. Desperate, desperate hope.

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    { 109 comments }

    Jenifer November 26, 2007 at 10:57 am

    You are in my thoughts and prayers. Don’t doctors and nurses realize what a panic any kind of message like this causes? I have had messages like this only to find out it was something trivial meanwhile I had spent the entire time practically in tears.

    I hope (and hope some more) that is nothing serious for you or Sprout.

    Don Mills Diva November 26, 2007 at 10:59 am

    Oh Catherine – I have everything crossed for you. I will be thinking about you all morning.

    Colleen November 26, 2007 at 11:00 am

    Fingers crossed. Toes crossed. What else can I cross?

    Maybe… your doctor just has an unavoidable something that came up on the day of your appointment? Another patient has to have a c-section or induction? So they just want to see you earlier rather than later?

    Everything crossed and positive thoughts.

    kdiddy November 26, 2007 at 11:01 am

    Everything is crossed. *hugs*

    verybadcat November 26, 2007 at 11:09 am

    Thinking of you. Hope to see post this afternoon about ohmygodstupidnursestryingtokillmewithpanic.

    Rooting for Sprout. And for you.

    Anonymous November 26, 2007 at 11:23 am

    There was some question about my baby’s kidneys in second pregancy. I was sent for an ultrasound to get a better look. My OB’s nurse left a message at 5pm (as the office was closing) to call the Doctor first thing. I cried all night long & called the office first thing the next morning to have the doctor tell me that I needed iron supplements, and oh yeah the baby’s kidneys were fine. I told the nurse that for the record, needing iron supplements was a message that she should feel free to leave on someone’s voice mail.

    Try not too worry,

    xoxo

    whoorl November 26, 2007 at 11:24 am

    Sending positive baby vibes. xo

    b*babbler November 26, 2007 at 11:26 am

    Hoping madly for you, for Sprout, for your entire family… I really am.

    Many hugs.

    Suz November 26, 2007 at 11:29 am

    Thinking of you and hoping that all is okay.

    slouching mom November 26, 2007 at 11:31 am

    Oh, Catherine. I will be thinking about you, and Sprout, all day. And I’ll be hoping that it’s something minor and NOT worthy of that kind of phone call.

    xxoo

    Mrs. Chicken November 26, 2007 at 11:34 am

    Sending all my best vibes during this hard day.

    Liz November 26, 2007 at 11:38 am

    Oh, sweetheart.

    Thinking of you and Sprout. Stay strong. I know it’s much easier said than done.

    But all this sick must amount to some kind of lovely news. Right?

    thinking of you and sending positive vibes out there for you all.

    xo

    Kimberly November 26, 2007 at 11:39 am

    Immediate summons to doctors offices are indeed terrifying. You are well within your rights to go to bed for the rest of the day, or do whatever else you need to do to get through the next few hours.

    I’m praying for you and Sprout that you just have an incredibly anal doctor, or worst case scenario, that they want you in so that they can fix Sprout NOW.

    mamalamadingdong November 26, 2007 at 11:44 am

    this happened to me, and it turned out to be a concern with me, not baby, due to scarring from previous trauma. Though its hard not to be a total wreck, please do not assume the worst! You four will be in my prayers!!

    Kyla November 26, 2007 at 11:46 am

    Oh you. I wish I lived nearby and could come hold your hand while you wait. Damn doctors and policy. Don’t they know what it does when they give these cryptic summons?

    Anonymous November 26, 2007 at 11:53 am

    oh catherine my prayers are with you.don’t those stupid docs know how much pregnant women worry when they do shite like that.just chant it like a mantra everyhtings fine everyhthings fine…will be anxiously awaiting your next post.god bless and try not to worry yourself sick about this and tell your hubby to kick someones arse tomorrow…hugs to you.LAVANDULA

    Anonymous November 26, 2007 at 12:03 pm

    *delurking* Sending good vibes your way for you and the family. Hang in there and breathe deep.

    Wishful Mommy November 26, 2007 at 12:05 pm

    sending tons of good vibes and hope you survive the panic…please post when you can…we are all thinking of you

    Nancy November 26, 2007 at 12:08 pm

    I’m thinking of you and Sprout… damn the waiting.

    Mary Joan Koch November 26, 2007 at 12:09 pm

    Catherine,

    Sending thoughts and prayers all day. I so hope this is a false alarm. The waiting would send me totally round the twist.

    bubandpie November 26, 2007 at 12:13 pm

    Why why why do they think this is kinder than telling you on the phone?

    Awesome Mom November 26, 2007 at 12:18 pm

    You would have thought that they could have handled that a bit better. I would be freaking out too. I will be thinking of you and baby.

    crazymumma November 26, 2007 at 12:35 pm

    Couldn’t they have called you on the same day you were to go in? For godsakes.

    My thoughts are with you, what a horrible place to be in.

    Last effort, can’t they reach her by cellphone and tell her you are having a bit of a breakdown? really. We did it once. it worked.

    BOSSY November 26, 2007 at 12:36 pm

    Bossy has crossed virtually everything. Luck and love.

    Laura November 26, 2007 at 12:44 pm

    Fingers crossed and sending serious good thoughts/prayers your way.

    Sandra November 26, 2007 at 12:47 pm

    Sending lots of good thoughts and love your way.

    -The Shiny Happy Mama- November 26, 2007 at 12:52 pm

    I’ll be thinking of you and keeping everything crossed.

    Mad Hatter November 26, 2007 at 12:58 pm

    Hey. I’ll be thinking about you. Miss M had abnormalities on that ultrasound–such that I opted for amnio. Miss M, it turns out, is perfectly abnormal. So too will Sprout.

    Whit November 26, 2007 at 1:06 pm

    Holy crap. I hope all turns out well.

    fidget November 26, 2007 at 1:11 pm

    oye WHY do they do this? WHY???? Deep breath… why do they always do this when Xanax isn’t even in the realm of possibility?

    I’m thinking wonderful fuzzy and warm thoughts for you. I’m hoping they just want you to get a repeat ultrasound and maybe youve got something going on like a placenta previa. the first time I had a previa you would have thought they discovered a horse in my womb instead of baby. They were all OH NOES!! OH NOES!! and I was breathing into a bag panicking until i found out it was just a previa.

    ALI November 26, 2007 at 1:16 pm

    nothing i can say will make this any easier, but i do know lots of test they do can give false info. thoughts and prayers are with you. if nothing else know that there is a whole community of people holding your hand, if only online.

    Rocks In My Dryer November 26, 2007 at 1:18 pm

    I don’t think nurses should be allowed to make a phone call like that until they have an appointment spot already waiting for you THAT afternoon.

    I’m so sorry for your anguished suspense–I’ve been there too–and you know the vast majority of things are “false positives”, or doctors being overly edgy.

    Still, will pray.

    LD November 26, 2007 at 1:24 pm

    Oh- my fingers and toes are crossed over and over again.

    mamatulip November 26, 2007 at 1:59 pm

    Catherine, you are in my thoughts. I understand your fear — I got a very similar phone call while I was pregnant with Oliver. Red flags had come up as a result of his ultra sound, there were possible serious complications…I was terrified. I’m reaching my hand out to hold yours, in the hopes that some of your fear will dissipate.

    xo

    Julie Pippert November 26, 2007 at 1:59 pm

    Hang in there. P&PTs.

    Julie
    Using My Words

    Anonymous November 26, 2007 at 2:03 pm

    C,

    we three across the street are crossing everything for you that this turns out to be a case of “very anal doctor”, and if it is, you should give her a piece of your mind…you know, the piece that you aren’t losing right now with worry.

    it is annoying that they have people who can’t tell you anything, make the call. remember the words of the clinic doctor – everything looked fine.

    sharon
    xoxo

    Mac and Cheese November 26, 2007 at 2:07 pm

    My thoughts and prayers are with you.

    Anonymous November 26, 2007 at 2:14 pm

    My heart is full of hope that its something minor and the Dr. Nicelady is CHAing (covering her ass). When my brother-in-law was in Emergency after a very bad accident, the doc’s kept giving us the worst case scenerio (paralysis, cutting limbs off, death..). He ended up being fine, just a few broken bones. I think they operate on giving the Worst Case so that if it happens they can say they warned you. I pray that its the same for you.

    Mimi November 26, 2007 at 2:17 pm

    I can’t even imagine what it must be like, waiting for tomorrow. I’m thinking of you and sending you all my best wishes for time to fly by until tomorrow, and for everything to resolve itself away.

    Angela November 26, 2007 at 2:23 pm

    Thinking of you and Sprout and visualizing how you’ll be able to feel very good about your self-control when you serenely avoid slapping your doctor silly tomorrow after finding out that she caused you all this panic for nothing.

    But of course if you do slap her silly that’s fine too.

    Rusti November 26, 2007 at 2:24 pm

    I’ll be sending good thoughts your way, and prayers His way… thinking you all with best wishes… (HUGS)

    anniemom November 26, 2007 at 2:30 pm

    Ok – - anything really dangerous would not be postponed til tomorrow. It would be discussed with you NOW, with another doctor, whatever was needed. Oh HBM, I am so with you. I am so sending love and peace. There is nothing worse than waiting, that vile purgatory of mental torture. You have an army of angels. See them. Know them, and ask for help. We love you.

    Karen November 26, 2007 at 2:35 pm

    Catherine – I am so very sorry. This sucks and really waiting in dread is so crushing to a mother. I am hoping for you and waiting with you – on this other side of the internet – still I hope this is better than waiting completely alone.

    Maggie November 26, 2007 at 2:35 pm

    This is complete bullshit. That doctor should be PHONED, and then that doctor can PHONE YOU so you don’t have to go through this! I can’t BELIEVE they are doing this to you.

    I don’t know what to say.

    Steph November 26, 2007 at 2:35 pm

    I have no doubt you and your family will rise above every obstacle- be it silly nurses causing panic for no reason or anything else. My thoughts are with you. And while nurses aren’t allowed to tell you why you’re being called in or the doctor doesn’t tell them, in most cases I can tell you that it’s something trivial- the doctor doesn’t have bad news but wants more time to talk with you and your original appointment was at a bad time or that maybe they lost the test results and you do need another test and he just wants to get it over with this week and so moving up your appointment helps. Be as strong as you can.

    kittenpie November 26, 2007 at 2:54 pm

    Oh, honey, that is HARD. Waiting is always hard, waiting when there is worry involved and it gives you time to imagine all the wrost cases possible is just cruel.

    all my digits are crossed, HBM.

    Heather November 26, 2007 at 3:09 pm

    Everything is crossed for you here (save legs cause we’re trying to get “in the family way” in the ‘shwa). Don’t doctors have pagers for these sorts of situations? Totally not fair to spring it on you.

    anna Grzymala-Busse November 26, 2007 at 3:09 pm

    Oh, good god, that nurse sucks. Delurking to say I had the same phone call, and the same panic, after the same blood test. It turned out to be elevated AFP levels, with much hand-flapping about spina bifida, etc. But babe turned out fine. Very much hoping the same for you….

    Anonymous November 26, 2007 at 3:09 pm

    Oh sweetie, the waiting is the worst! I’ve got everything crossed for you that can be crossed!

    David November 26, 2007 at 3:12 pm

    wow – so VERY unfair. I hope everything turns out OK and then you can open up a can of whupass on the doctor for making you scared like that.

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