Mamas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Freudians

December 11, 2007

Overheard while Wonderbaby and Her Bad Father shared a bath the other evening:

WB: Whassat?

HBF: What’s what?

WB: What THAT is?

HBF: That’s Daddy’s penis.

WB: Oh.

(pause)

I have one?

HBF: No, girls don’t have penises.

WB: I HAVE ONE.

(looks down)

Oh.

(pause)

OH NO!

(looks up)

ALL GONE.

So. How, exactly, does one explain that Freud was wrong to a two-year old?

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    { 40 comments }

    LD December 11, 2007 at 4:12 pm

    I have no idea, but if you figure out how, you’ve definitely gotta let me know :)

    Bon December 11, 2007 at 5:10 pm

    yeh, i still occasionally have that reaction myself. ;)

    Not Afraid to Use It December 11, 2007 at 5:19 pm

    LOL! Excellent point. My dd keeps insisting that her brother should have a labia. :)

    Kyla December 11, 2007 at 5:36 pm

    Heh. LOL.

    I don’t know how they walk around with those things. ;)

    motherbumper December 11, 2007 at 5:43 pm

    Freud was wrong on so many points but I won’t prattle on about that in the comments (and that wasn’t the point, right?).

    I think what I love most about these smart ladies is the absolute confidence when yelling out “I HAVE ONE”. Damn girl, you don’t need one.

    clueless but hopeful mama December 11, 2007 at 6:48 pm

    I need this advice too! We don’t bathe with my daughter (our tub is TEENY and can’t fit an adult) but she sees us naked getting in and out of the shower.

    She does a lot of freaked out staring at our privates. She’ll stare for a while, then slowly extend her finger, pointing, wondering: “dat?”. We explain, she often shudders and walks away.

    Awesome Mom December 11, 2007 at 6:54 pm

    What I get in my house is “Evan penis, Harry penis, Daddy penis, Mommy penis!”

    “Uh Evan mommy does not have a penis.”

    “Mommy penis!”

    “What ever honey.”

    Jenifer December 11, 2007 at 7:36 pm

    This reveals our impression of boys around here my Papoosie Girl’s perspective…she still wants to insist it is a tail.

    Mary December 11, 2007 at 7:37 pm

    I loved this, but am a recovering Lacanian groupie, so that says something.

    My favorite penis story: we’re driving and my then three year old son, Merrick, says, “I have to go potty real bad!”

    Me: “Me, too!”

    Merrick: “Are you holding your penis, too?”

    Me: “I don’t have a penis.”

    Shock reverberates throughout car. “Don’t joke.”

    We get to Whole Foods and rush to the bathroom. We share a stall. Feet pepper the floor in other stalls-the place is a party.

    Merrick can’t stop asking: “Really! I know you have it in there. Show me your penis, please, please?”

    More than one mom stayed to laugh with me.

    Mary Joan Koch December 11, 2007 at 9:08 pm

    I recall Anne at three clipping five clothespins to her shirt and announcing she had five penises. She was obviously delighted at her own cleverness.

    suchsimplepleasures December 11, 2007 at 9:30 pm

    i’m laughing too hard to even think of how to explain ANYTHING!!!

    Lara December 11, 2007 at 9:35 pm

    so, we have a video of me in the bathtub asking, “what’s that thing paul has?” the response to which is “that’s his penis.” i say, “daddy has one too – a big one.” i also answer the “do you know what it’s for?” question with, “it’s how he goes to the bathroom.”

    oh, and this isn’t a home video. this is an educational film for which i was a paid actress. a paid actress of four years of age. it’s called “a family talks about sex.” and it’s been the bane of my existence for years.

    do you know how many of my dates were shown this video in a moment of horrific jealousy by my sister?

    yeah, that was a really long story. sorry for wasting space in your comments… :-P

    Badness Jones December 11, 2007 at 9:39 pm

    That’s hilarious. My girlie was three when her brother was born and that started a lot of penis discussion….

    Once he was old enough to share a bath with her she started holding a washcloth between her legs and calling it her ‘pretend’ penis! I told her she’s better off without one, lol!

    Mrs. Chicky December 11, 2007 at 9:46 pm

    Ha!

    This is the 21st century. Tell her women don’t need one.

    Lawyer Mama December 11, 2007 at 9:53 pm

    That’s one for the baby book!

    My 3 year old keeps asking *why* I don’t have a penis. And every answer I give him is countered with another “why.” ARGH!

    Maddy December 11, 2007 at 10:22 pm

    Glad I’m not the only one that ear wigs my children’s conversations!
    Cheers

    This is my calling card or link“Whittereronautism”until blogger comments get themselves sorted out.

    Fairly Odd Mother December 11, 2007 at 10:39 pm

    Adorable!

    And, when my daughter was 2-ish, she asked ‘what’s that?’ to my husband, but grabbed him as she did it. He almost jumped out of his skin.

    Mac and Cheese December 12, 2007 at 12:09 am

    Too funny! We have so far avoided penis talk around here. Pumpkin once made reference to “daddy’s other bum”, but we’re not quite sure what she meant, and we decided not to ask.

    flutter December 12, 2007 at 1:28 am

    Oh she is too funny,

    Jenn December 12, 2007 at 2:04 am

    oh.god. poor thing, I’m sure she’ll get over it. heh. and good luck with Freud… :P

    Julie Pippert December 12, 2007 at 2:59 am

    It’s taken us the better part of a year to convince Persistence, but I think we’re there, or close. Now she insists she has got one, only very tiny, and I think we all know what part I mean.

    Julie
    Using My Words

    SciFi Dad December 12, 2007 at 8:23 am

    You’re about 2-3 weeks away from Chapter 2: “Does He Have One?” Followed closely by Chapter 3: “He Has One!”

    Of course, these chapters occur not in the privacy of the family tub, but rather in public, usually with the elderly and/or devoutly religious.

    Have fun.

    Hannah December 12, 2007 at 10:16 am

    Yeah, Isaac is slowly getting the idea that he has a penis, and daddy has a penis, but mommy doesn’t. This has a downside. He barged in while I was showering the other day, hauled the curtain open, and announced that “momma has no penis. she’s got a huge bum.”

    Uh, thanks. You’re grounded.

    gabes_mom December 12, 2007 at 10:57 am

    my so is VERY aware that he has a penis, and daddy has a penis….luckily we haven’t gotten around to the absence of mommy’s penis……

    Right now, this very morning in fact……the chunky monkey had to potty while I was in the shower. We were talking, he was singing…..potty sometimes takes forever…..when all the sudden he screamed…..

    “BOOOOOOOBIES!”

    Kaleigh December 12, 2007 at 11:28 am

    A million years ago, when my son was a newborn, his two-year-old sister was on the scene when he was getting a diaper change. She pointed between his legs and crowed, “A TAIL!” She was so very amused that her baby brother had a tail. It was hard to correct her because it was so darn funny.

    AnotherMomCreation December 12, 2007 at 11:38 am

    That was funny! My dh has never let the girls see him naked. NEVER. But they’ve asked about their baby cousins body parts, and I told them the same thing, but they wanted to know WHY boys have penis’s and girls have vagina’s… eek!

    This conversation made me laugh out loud!

    Stacey December 12, 2007 at 11:47 am

    LOL! I have 2 boys. They have told me that “Mommy is the only one in the house without a penis, poor mommy”. I said. “Mommy is the only one in the house that is able to find stuff. I prefer knowing where my things are to having a penis anyday.”
    So the next day when DS1s teacher asked him where his crayons were he said “I don’t know Mrs H. I have penis.”

    BOSSY December 12, 2007 at 1:07 pm

    Hmmm – perhaps all men feel similar at one point in their lives?

    Lisa December 12, 2007 at 1:21 pm

    OMG! ROTFLMA- OFF! @ Stacey’s comment !

    I use a different version – I say that Momma’s uterus is NOT A TRACKING DEVICE !

    Ali December 12, 2007 at 1:23 pm

    Isabella is all about the boobs these days…and her lack of them…we haven’t yet ventured into the penis talk. :)

    Anonymous December 12, 2007 at 1:55 pm

    hahaha…oh the conversations that have gone on around here having to do with penises or boobs or vaginas hahaha…and what did freud really know anyhowLAVANDULA

    Mimi December 12, 2007 at 3:29 pm

    Ha. When my oldest nephew was about WB’s age, we liked to take him swimming in the pool at the top of the apartment building (Yonge / Davisville) and we could look from the patio all the way downtown.

    “Ahh,” he said, pointing at the CN Tower, “Toronto penis.”

    Indeed.

    Lydia December 12, 2007 at 5:04 pm

    Oh just wait if Sprout is a boy… then if HBF isn’t around at potty training, you get to explain the delicate “how to shake off the pee”… without actually TOUCHING said penis.

    Although my most shocking moment came when Jake slipped getting out of the tub, came down hard, then pointed and said “Mommy kiss make better?” I dare you to find a parenting book that addresses THAT!

    (I ended up blowing a kiss in the general direction.)

    caramama December 12, 2007 at 5:11 pm

    This post and the comments are great! Thanks, all. I really needed a laugh!

    Oh, The Joys December 12, 2007 at 5:27 pm

    “all gone” might be as good as any…

    MelissaQ December 12, 2007 at 6:25 pm

    loved the blog, it took me a minute to get what was happening, there. Thats too funny, I have two girls, an 8 yr old and a 1yr old. I went through something similar with my first daughter, Im sure I will have to go there again with the second, especially since men cant seem to just tuck those things away where no one can see them.

    Anonymous December 12, 2007 at 6:34 pm

    At three years old my daughter routinely showered with her dad…until the day she asked him “why do you have that piece of poop hanging there”.

    Jaelithe December 13, 2007 at 6:35 pm

    Haha. The other day when I thought my son was about to do something that might cause injury to his bits and pieces, I said, “Boy, don’t do that. That makes me want to cross my legs, and I don’t even HAVE a penis.” And then all of a sudden, even though we have discussed this whole “Mommy doesn’t have a penis” thing before, he said to me, “Wait– you don’t have a penis?!?” as though it had just dawned on him. He looked horrified. And I said, “No. I’ve told you before. Girls don’t have penises. I don’t have one.”

    To which he responded, “But, you have hands!”

    And suddenly, I understood men so much more clearly . . .

    Christine December 14, 2007 at 9:23 am

    dude. every time i mention going to the bathroom my 3 year old boy declares that mommies can’t go because they don’t have penises.

    well.

    Running on empty

    Dana J. Tuszke December 15, 2007 at 1:14 am

    Oh how cute. She’s a smart girl!

    I always bring Dawson into the shower with me if we’re in a hurry to get ready to go somewhere. He always asks me, “Mumma, why you don’t have a penis? Only Daddy and Dawson have big penis?” This usually makes me laugh. And then he says, “Only Mumma have big cushions.” He was talking about my breasts. I have know idea where the cushion description came from. The hubs swears he didn’t teach him about breasts yet!

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