If Your Child Farts In A Forest, And You Laugh, Will Anybody Hear It And Judge You?

February 4, 2008

So, you are at a cafe with your two-year old – who is sitting, quietly and sweetly, sipping the warm milk that she refers to as “coffee’ – when she blows a loud, ripply fart.

Oh! she exclaims. I make a noise out my bum!

And you laugh.

And she asks, quite reasonably, under the circumstances: that funny?

And you say, no, sweetie. Just say ‘excuse me,’ please, when you make noises from your bottom.

But she persists. THAT FUNNY?

At the next table, two older ladies are watching and listening closely.

What are you supposed to say? It IS funny. But you’re juvenile, and you don’t want your daughter to grow up to be juvenile, and you certainly don’t want her going to daycare and announcing that she can make noises out her bum and then doing her best Jim Carrey imitation. You don’t want that at all.

So you contain your giggle, and lie. No, it’s not meant to be funny. Mommy’s being silly.

And then she farts again and exclaims S’CUSE ME MAKE NOISE OUT MY BUM. And you laugh out loud, spitting a little latte onto the table as you do.

You’re not going to be very good at this whole ‘raising cultured children’ thing, are you?

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    Maddy February 4, 2008 at 3:28 pm

    Would it be improved by using a foreign translation?

    Botty burp


    b*babbler February 4, 2008 at 3:47 pm

    Count me amongst the juvenile then too!

    Culture is for cheese. :)

    ImpostorMom February 4, 2008 at 3:49 pm

    There would have to be something seriously wrong with you if you DIDN’T laugh at that. :P

    Law Student Hot Mama February 4, 2008 at 4:06 pm

    I have given up all pretense of raising cultured children . .. and my kid is only 6 months old.

    You should have ripped one for the old ladies to add to the overall ambiance.

    ALI February 4, 2008 at 4:13 pm

    ok so i have often said.. i may have two little boys, but it’s ok because i have the sense of humor of a 12 year old boy.

    oh-and i guess i should say scuse me, i might have made noise out of my bum while i was laughing so hard my eyes were tearing-that kid is funny!

    Beck February 4, 2008 at 4:29 pm

    Farting IS funny. It’s one of the reasons that it’s rude. The Baby knows full well that it’s hilarious when she farts.

    Minnesota Matron February 4, 2008 at 4:44 pm

    Wonder Baby has a rich world of opportunity ahead. With proper tutelage, she can fart entire songs. It is possible to burp the ABC’s. She can say, loudly and in a very public place any of the following:

    Show me your penis, Mama. I know you’re hiding one in there.

    Give me that cookie, Cheese Butt.

    I’m making my vagina press in my pee. Wanna try that, Mama?

    Her Bad Mother February 4, 2008 at 4:46 pm

    Minnesota Matron: LMFAO. Thank god I’m not in public right this minute.

    motherbumper February 4, 2008 at 4:55 pm

    All I have to say is “drunk monkey?” – juvenile is highly underrated. I need my juvenile-behaviour support team… move back pleeeeeeeeeeeeease?

    Anonymous February 4, 2008 at 4:58 pm

    OMG…I am dying over here!!! First you and then Minnesota Matron! I thought I’d heard them all really. That is effing HI-larious!!!!!!!


    Cursing Mama February 4, 2008 at 4:58 pm

    so how do I explain the soup on my desk if this isn’t supposed to be funny?

    realitytesting February 4, 2008 at 4:58 pm

    This is hilarious. HILARIOUS.

    Brandy February 4, 2008 at 5:06 pm

    You are not alone. My almost 11-month-old already gets a great big smile on his face when he farts. Wonder where he gets that from??

    kittenpie February 4, 2008 at 5:12 pm

    Juvenile is more fun. Heck, it’s possible to enjoy both high and low brow, and many of my favourite people do. Roll with it, mama. And next time, tell her you thought it was funny that she was surprised by her own bum, which shouldn’t be able to sneak up on you like that.

    Heather February 4, 2008 at 5:18 pm


    We’re very cultured in my family too. We discuss farts and poop. It’s highly intellectual.

    ewe are here February 4, 2008 at 5:41 pm

    Culture is clearly overrated.

    heh heh

    Deep Fried Yankee February 4, 2008 at 6:22 pm

    I’d have to fart on anyone who didn’t think that was funny.

    Maman February 4, 2008 at 6:41 pm

    Eh… if WB can’t be juvenile when she is an juvenile, what is the point?

    mamatulip February 4, 2008 at 7:11 pm

    I love this post. It’s so…real. :)

    Julie Pippert February 4, 2008 at 7:32 pm

    Don’t come to my blog, wherein you might see your future which could possibly include your child saying, “God is great, God is good, let us thank him for our poop.”


    In Mass.

    To the Priest, whom she might address as Your Poopiness.

    And those ladies were probably trying really hard to not spoil your parenting moment by cracking up.

    Because seriously, we’re all 5th grade boys at heart, aren’t we?

    Even if we’re just 3 (or under).

    Jessica February 4, 2008 at 7:54 pm

    Farts are funny until they are coming from a 12 yr old and reak so badly that the wallpaper is starting to peel off the walls.

    Roz February 4, 2008 at 8:01 pm

    I would’ve been laughing louder than her ‘bum noise’. And isn’t that one of the reasons we have kids? To remind us not to take life so seriously? If the two ladies were frowning, they completely missed the point.

    Niksmom February 4, 2008 at 8:28 pm

    OMG! This is one of the funniest things I’ve read in a LOOOONG time! Of course, this comes from a household in which Niksdad sings “I love to fart!” to Nik (to the tune of “I love to laugh” from Mary Poppins”) and Nik squeals with glee! Yeah, we’re so totally classy around here! LOL

    Jezer February 4, 2008 at 8:52 pm

    I don’t care what anyone says. There is absolutely nothing funnier than a good fart. Nothing.

    autobiographyofmyfeet February 4, 2008 at 8:56 pm

    That funny? Yes, yes it is :)

    slouching mom February 4, 2008 at 9:40 pm

    Now THIS is funny.

    theotherbear February 4, 2008 at 9:50 pm

    Hahaha. I snorted at your post. By the time I’d read the comments I was almost choking. Thanks for the laugh!

    wright February 4, 2008 at 10:11 pm

    Too funny! I would have laughed too. I love the pic of your sweetie sipping her drink and the picture of the mokey in tha back taking a swig of something!

    flutter February 4, 2008 at 10:18 pm

    Ok, I would have laughed too!

    Anonymous February 4, 2008 at 10:23 pm

    Okay, Once you have trained them to say “excuse me” after they have farted they’ll send you into laughter all over again with comments such as this exclamation from a 5 year old in our family “When I say excuse me people think I have something to say…but it’s just that I burped or farted!” Golly, you just can’t win. Sometimes you just have to LAUGH!

    Doodaddy February 4, 2008 at 10:47 pm

    I’ve just trained Boo to say “Mommy farted” whenever she toots. I figure, why not spread the love?


    P.S. Seriously, though, I learned that a fart is a “social non-event.” You don’t call attention, and you don’t excuse yourself.

    Someone Being Me February 4, 2008 at 11:28 pm

    I would have to laugh. She will be comfortable with herself so I think thats a good thing. As long as she says excuse me I don’t see any harm in laughing.

    Pgoodness February 4, 2008 at 11:46 pm

    Cultured children? I have two boys, what does that mean exactly?! I couldn’t stop laughing at this – I would have been laughing in the cafe with you!

    Lara February 5, 2008 at 3:06 am

    well, jitta and i are sitting here laughing our asses off. the cats are looking at us like we’re crazy.

    Lady M February 5, 2008 at 3:26 am

    S’cuse me indeed! What a polite little fart.

    nomotherearth February 5, 2008 at 5:17 am

    The Boy calls it a
    ‘bum burp’ anf thrn I laugh. Count me in as not mature enough to raise children.

    Hannah February 5, 2008 at 8:26 am

    Farts are funny. If you want culture, try pronouncing it with a British accent – “fahts”.

    Kyla February 5, 2008 at 10:49 am

    My 5 year old STILL feels compelled to say “Excuse me, I farted.” each and every time he farts, even if it is silent. Ahhh, potty humor.

    furiousBall February 5, 2008 at 11:16 am

    rule number one of fart club

    farts are funny.

    Anonymous February 5, 2008 at 11:37 am

    I agree. In our enlightened attempt to raise “cultured,” sophisticated children, seizing each opportunity as teachable moments, we might be losing the silly spontaneity of childhood.

    Sadly, they grow too quickly. These moments, with all their public flatulence, are to be treasured and simply enjoyed.

    caramama February 5, 2008 at 4:31 pm

    This was indeed very funny. Thanks for the laugh. I really needed it!

    And I thought what julie pippert shared was extremely funny as well! Ha!

    clueless but hopeful mama February 5, 2008 at 5:13 pm

    Oh my. This had me laughing out loud.

    Thanks to you and WonderBaby for the giggles!

    Phoenix February 5, 2008 at 7:51 pm

    The problem is that it is funny. I’m cracking up over here.

    Love the picture by the way.

    MultiplesMommy February 5, 2008 at 9:55 pm

    If it helps any, my 5 year old came up with the term “tushy burps” when she was about 2-1/2. It made me giggle then, and now that she’s taught it to the 2 year old twins, it makes me laugh even harder. I was proud that we were cultured enough to not teach her “fart”!

    Ms. Huis Herself February 5, 2008 at 11:52 pm

    My 3 year old daughter farted the other day, loudly, and so we told her to say “excuse me.” She looked at us with a puzzled expression and said, “But it was on-yee my butt.”

    Because apparently “excuse me” is only for burps… not your butt. :)

    Christine February 6, 2008 at 8:43 am

    that picture is way too hilarious with the ape!

    my 3 year old son enters a room, farts, and says “excuse me!” at the top of his lungs before exiting

    Running on empty

    Bloor West Mama February 6, 2008 at 10:25 am

    Too too funny…just loved it. I don’t think it would be possible not to laugh. I know that coffee would have come out of my nose had this happened to me.

    Anonymous February 6, 2008 at 10:50 am

    oh damn thats funny!thanks HBM for the laughs…and i’m sure that the old ladies at the next table were trying their hardest not to laugh also…farts are very funny around here.especially when you are out and 3 year old says loudly mommy that wasn’t me!that was you being a farty butt! and people look….LAVANDULA

    mothergoosemouse February 6, 2008 at 1:15 pm

    Believe me, you are the height of sophistication compared to us. I may have to provide video evidence.

    (and thanks for helping me bounce the baby – laughing is a great way to bounce!)

    BOSSY February 6, 2008 at 2:07 pm

    Bossy’s sister-in-law was in a bathroom stall with her daughter and the daughter heard farting from an adjacent stall and began, “Mommy – you farted! You farted Mommy!” — wasn’t as funny with the tables turned. Not to mention the whole False Identity thing.

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