Sammich, With Bevvies, To Go (A Urinary Tale)

April 13, 2008

“I no go pottie”

“That’s fine. If you don’t have to go, that’s fine.”

“I fine. I no have to go.”

There’s a loud rip as the diaper is torn and yanked out from between her legs, and then a thud as it lands at my feet.

“I no need diaper.”

“I would rather you wear a diaper.”

“No.”

“Then you need to wear your Dora pants.”

“No. I fine. I put pee-pee in toilet.”

Fine, I think. Whatever. I’m too far exhausted to wrestle her into a diaper, and far too mentally and emotionally spent to invite another tantrum. And isn’t there some sort of toilet-training method that involves just letting your kid run around naked and piss on the floor and it’s all like attachment-potty-training or some such shit? Whatever. I GIVE UP.

Five minutes later, I notice that she has a small plastic cup – a bath toy – clutched between her knees.

“What are you doing with the cup, sweetie?”

“I just HOLDING IT. I FINE. YOU DON’T TAKE IT AWAY.”

Whatever.

Two minutes later, my attention – heretofore entirely occupied by the critical task of figuring out whether to hoist my massive, belly-heavy self to its feet and down to the kitchen for more chocolate, and risk distracting the hellion from her concentrated effort to balance wooden fried eggs between wooden slices of bread and create the perfect fake fried egg sandwich, or to just stay safely and comfortably put – is captured by the sound of a single stream of rain hitting an empty plastic bucket.

It’s not raining. And we have no buckets.

Wonderbaby has abandoned her toy kitchen cum sandwich station and is standing with chubby naked legs spread, both of her little hands clutching the plastic cup directly beneath her nether regions, and is peeing into the cup. She waits for the stream to run its course, and then waits another moment to catch the drips, and then marches blithely past me, out of the playroom and into the bathroom, where – as I continue to watch, in stunned, immobile silence – she carefully pours the contents of the cup into the toilet and flushes.

“I PUT PEE-PEE IN TOILET MAMA. I ALL DONE.”

Then she washes her hands, and leaves the cup in the bathroom sink. She returns to her post in the playroom, where she puts the wooden slices of bread stacked with wooden fried eggs on a little wooden plate, dashes some imaginary salt from the toy shaker over it all, and hands it to me.

“There you go Mama. You need my cup? For juice?”

Does one laugh, or cry? SERIOUSLY.

Am f*cked.

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    { 83 comments }

    flutter April 13, 2008 at 10:19 pm

    Hello? TRANQ DART!

    kristabella April 13, 2008 at 10:36 pm

    Um, better than peeing on the carpet? And she knew she had to go and knew NOT to pee on the carpet?

    Hurray for small victories!

    Karen April 13, 2008 at 10:38 pm

    LOL – several times. I say, count this as a success. She’s showing good bladder control. This cup thing must just be some safe transition to the potty/toilet for her. Maybe she just wants to be in complete control of the pee.

    Jaelithe April 13, 2008 at 10:49 pm

    Actually I have to agree with the others that said this looks like progress. Really. She knows she’s not supposed to pee on the floor. She knows the pee is supposed to go in the toilet. She just apparently hasn’t mastered the bit that involves sitting on the toilet.

    Not that that’s much consolation when your kid just peed in a drinking cup, but, you know . . . dishwashers do sterilize things pretty well ;)

    Pgoodness April 13, 2008 at 10:51 pm

    I’m sorry….I can’t stop laughing, but if it were my kid I would be doing the exact stunned immobile silence and then muttering any number of expletives. Later, I would laugh.

    It’s actually pretty impressive, though. The thought process, the execution? Smart.

    MommyTime April 13, 2008 at 10:58 pm

    I am snorting because I am laughing so hard. This one is seriously smart. Too smart for your own good.

    But think of it this way: although you’ll have to worry about what her creative and energetic efforts will produce, you’ll never have to worry about her peeing on the floor. And there is much to be said for small favors.

    Diana April 13, 2008 at 11:06 pm

    I, for one, am impressed. That took some thought, effort, execution. She’s potty training… in her own way.

    So how was the juice? ;)

    motherbumper April 13, 2008 at 11:20 pm

    Dude, don’t drink the apple juice.

    Oh and laugh or cry? How about a little of both.

    crazymumma April 13, 2008 at 11:20 pm

    laugh, while crying. In manic manner while wringing hands and pulling hair.

    Jenifer April 13, 2008 at 11:23 pm

    I think that shows she totally understands the concept…maybe just get her to sit down and you are done! ;)

    Ms. Huis Herself April 13, 2008 at 11:49 pm

    That is awesome. Go WonderBaby!

    liz April 14, 2008 at 12:00 am

    Laugh. Definitely laugh. That little girl of yours is aptly named. Wonderbaby indeed.

    nomotherearth April 14, 2008 at 1:29 am

    I don’t think that I have enough aim to pee in a cup like that…that’s talent! I would only use a glass straight from the dishwasher from now on, though – to be safe.

    Awesome Mom April 14, 2008 at 1:48 am

    Oh.. my… gosh!! I need to take a breath from all the laughing.

    Wow! That kid of yours is amazing!

    Sass E-mum April 14, 2008 at 1:55 am

    This is great. She’s taking control and you might not be changing more than one lot of nappies. (Yes, I know, DIAPERS. Sheesh).

    Assertagirl April 14, 2008 at 7:50 am

    Actually, this does make an excellent story you can tell her repeatedly throughout the years. In front of potential boyfriends.

    MsPrufrock April 14, 2008 at 7:50 am

    I have all this to come, lucky me!

    I must say, I’m just impressed with Wonderbaby’s dexterity throughout this cup-peeing exercise.

    Whirlwind April 14, 2008 at 8:08 am

    I’m sorry, but that is too freaking funny!

    I think it’s safe to say she’s got control and knows what she’s doing. Now to get her to do it the right way!

    Maria April 14, 2008 at 8:23 am

    It’s happened here as well. And well, we laugh–what else can you do right?

    Throw that cup in the dishwasher on high heat and count this as a story to pull out when you meet her first boyfriend.

    LD April 14, 2008 at 9:19 am

    If I were even 5 minutes pregnant, I don’t think this would be funny. But it really, really is. I’m not looking forward to this stage…

    Binkytown April 14, 2008 at 9:21 am

    I am laughing but if I were you I might cry a little, just over the force of her will and instance to find her own option when it comes to something like pee.

    Still, have to agree with commenters, better the cup than a rug.

    Dawn @ Coming to a Nursery Near You April 14, 2008 at 9:30 am

    I say that’s a pretty enterprising little girl! At least she didn’t pee on the fried egg sandwich!

    Shannon April 14, 2008 at 9:40 am

    I know you’re in hell, but your stories can’t help but make me laugh and laugh.

    Take comfort in the fact that you can embarrass the living daylights out of her with this story when she’s 16.

    b*babbler April 14, 2008 at 9:49 am

    Oh. Must stop giggling, and take deep breath.

    One does have to hope, desperately, that you are still blogging when she’s a teenager.

    Because boy, you have some FUN times ahead!

    (Smarty pants!)

    FishyGirl April 14, 2008 at 9:54 am

    Well, I chose laughing.

    It’s actually a GREAT thing – WB knows what to do and can recognize the sound. My MIL told me that they trained my husband, who up and decided he hated diapers and was done with them, but then had issues with execution on the toilet, carried around a jar, and it was the fun and excitement of peeing in the jar and dumping it into the toilet that got him trained. I think it’s a sign of brilliance, actually. Well done.

    Just be careful what cup you drink out of.

    IzzyMom April 14, 2008 at 9:54 am

    Dude, my 2yr son will stand up in the bathtub and pee in the nearest vessel, then hand it to one of us to empty for him. The thought of peeing in the tub horrifies him. I think our kids are little genius’ :)

    Mimi April 14, 2008 at 10:06 am

    That kid is going to rule the world some day. Be afraid.

    Karen April 14, 2008 at 10:17 am

    Congratulations! This is just what potty training looks like – you should write a book! She can hold it in and knows it belongs in the potty – you are almost home free.
    Has she been going to OB appointments with you, where you, you know, pee in a cup?

    My son hated the sound of pee hitting the toilet b/c of his SPD, but my friend suggested I put a diaper in his potty to absorb the sound – 3 weeks later he was peeing on the real potty, flushing, washing and reappearing later (still with no pants on, but it was very good progress)

    Heather April 14, 2008 at 10:20 am

    Wow, that’s some control to pee in a cup. Is she available to teach my son?

    Nic April 14, 2008 at 10:54 am

    I can’t pee in a cup when I go to the doctor’s. I’m pretty impressed.

    Anonymous April 14, 2008 at 11:32 am

    wow way to go wonderbaby that takes some skill to stand up and pee in a cup without making any mess and hey she washed her hands afterwards ….LAVANDULA

    --j. April 14, 2008 at 11:39 am

    Hilarious! My 3-year old son (who was potty trained long before this) regularly peed in the cat’s litter box, until I caught him in the act. His rationale: “well, the cat pees in there”. This, after kitty had been the to vet twice for producing an overabundance of pee.

    I totally blame his father.

    PunditMom April 14, 2008 at 12:14 pm

    Peeing in a cup already with perfect aim? You have a talented daughter there, my friend!

    BTW, I’m never drinking apple juice at your house.

    Lala April 14, 2008 at 12:27 pm

    BRILL-yant, and hilarious to boot.
    She’s all ready for a camping trip in the woods.

    Syko April 14, 2008 at 12:32 pm

    I’m mightily impressed, having no talent in this respect at all, and when I have to leave a sample for the doctor, invariably pee all over my own hand. She’s doing great!

    Janet April 14, 2008 at 1:19 pm

    So she actually got it in the cup, emptied it without spilling and washed her own hands, eliminating the need for her pregnant mama to clean up pee off the floor? I would laugh and, perhaps, applaud (just a little). She *is* a wonder.

    Greta April 14, 2008 at 1:31 pm

    I’d call that progress.

    Hysterical, btw, just linked over from Bloggess.

    You should have a t-shirt made:

    “It’s not raining. And we have no buckets.”

    ScientistMother April 14, 2008 at 1:57 pm

    Laugh, Laugh, and Laugh some more. That little girl of yours is most definitely a Wonderbaby. I agree with the comments, what a thought process, what execution. Not a drop on the floor! Any cup lying around needs to be sterilized! Yeah Wonderbaby!

    Niksmom April 14, 2008 at 2:11 pm

    ROFL! Oh definitely laugh and cheer! That’s a pretty sophisticated bit of sequencing, dexterity, and control! I am impressed…and not looking forward to potty training my son!

    wright April 14, 2008 at 2:29 pm

    I might cry from laughing so hard! That’s too funny!!!

    red pen mama April 14, 2008 at 3:29 pm

    that rocks. That is perhaps the most coordinated kid ever. I love it. Thank you — thank WB — for the laugh.

    Red Pen Mama

    Mac and Cheese April 14, 2008 at 3:32 pm

    …and I have to envy you that yours will at least pee in a cup. I’d keep your own drinking glasses on the highest shelf though.

    Anonymous April 14, 2008 at 3:35 pm

    Seriously, so not even close to the first (or last kid) to do this…at least yours didn’t do it on the rug, in the corner, where no one noticed till the stench was nauseating…

    Linda April 14, 2008 at 3:44 pm

    me thinks she wishes was a a boy child!

    kittenpie April 14, 2008 at 4:01 pm

    I actually think, to the contrary… are not fucked. Are seeing good things, if not quite precisely as you mgiht have envisioned them.

    Laura April 14, 2008 at 5:06 pm

    Congratulations! You have successfully cup trained your daughter!! To hell with those big bulky toilets… so very funny…

    Kyla April 14, 2008 at 5:08 pm

    That’s hilarious. She’s got spunk.

    Tracey April 14, 2008 at 7:12 pm

    Oh Shit, hon. You gotta laugh. If you don’t, you pull something.

    That is just awesome. Thank God for kids like Wonderbaby or else what would we blog about?

    Hope you feel great today, and that the rest of the pregnancy SAILS by!!

    Ree April 14, 2008 at 7:16 pm

    Oh, babe, you are f*cked.

    Major Bedhead April 14, 2008 at 8:13 pm

    Don’t do either too hard or you’ll be the one needing the pee cup.

    I think it’s hysterical. And clever. Mine just pees on the floor when I let her run around naked.

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