Snap

June 3, 2008

Last night, I snapped.

Yesterday was my first day totally on my own – husband gone from early ’til late, me alone with a boob-chomping infant and, for the latter part of the day, after daycare, a spirited toddler – and I just couldn’t do it. I made it until dinnertime and then – nips and nethers aching badly, infant squalling endlessly for more booby more booby more booby, toddler chucking her pizza to the floor, stripping off her clothes and embarking upon her own, unsuccessful, toilet-training regimen (a story that might be funny in another lifetime but cannot even be recounted here in barest outline because I will start crying again) – I snapped. Snapped.

Which means, only, that I ended up immobilized in the corner with infant fastened like a vise to my ravaged boobies, sobbing helplessly and uncontrollably while my beautiful and entirely naked daughter laid waste to our living and dining rooms. I stayed there and sobbed until HBF walked in the door and took charge. Then I went to bed – infant still clinging to tit with his gummy iron grip – and wept until I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t fling myself under a bus, I didn’t have quote-unquote intrusive thoughts – I just collapsed under the weight of the feeling, however misguided, that I cannot do this, not on my own. That however much a blessing is the birth of this most-beloved boy – and it is, truly, the greatest blessing – it is overwhelming. That however capable and sane I think I am, that capability and that sanity crumble under the weight of pain and stress and the awful, terrible feeling of maternal helplessness.

I know that these are extreme circumstances – I’m recovering from a physically traumatic childbirth, I’m struggling with breastfeeding, my husband is away from home for long hours, and I have a history of PPD – and that I’m doing the best that I can. I know that this is different from the first time, when I just got anxious and sad and huddled in the dark feeling lost and alone. I know that I’m not lost, that I’m not alone. But the painful difference, this time, is precisely this: I am not alone. As I huddle in the corner, infant clutched to breast, sobbing uncontrollably, I have a companion, and a witness: my daughter. Who understands that tears mean pain and fear and sadness. Who worries for her Mommy. Who, last night, in the fray, shushed her brother loudly, saying don’t hurt Mommy. Who asked, do I hurt you Mommy?

Oh, sweetie, it’s not you, you haven’t hurt Mommy; Jasper hasn’t hurt Mommy; neither of you hurt Mommy, not ever. It’s just… a special kind of Mommy-hurt… but it’s okay. Mommy’s okay.

Truth, and lies.

Snap.

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    { 111 comments }

    Two Hands Full June 4, 2008 at 11:05 pm

    Oh, sweet mama.

    I have been there. And I agree that one of the very hardest things about having two is that they see us suffer, and grieve, and it is hard to hide it when it comes.

    I don’t want to advise, because I have read your blog long enough to know how wise you are already. But I will tell you this: I have two. And I have had days of sobbing, and ABSOLUTE overwhelm. And I have had to explain the crying, and the difficulties, to my watching son. And while I would give a great deal to never have shown him that weight, he is growing into one of the most empathetic, perceptive, and understanding people I know.

    You know how, with the first, there is a long process of letting go of your preconceptions as you come to accept the reality of motherhood? For me, it came again with two. A second humbling, in which I had to accept even more of my humanity, even more letting of the greatness I had hoped for in exchange for an entirely different kind of great.

    It’s okay to snap sometimes. It’s okay that she is learning, even now, how to live with courage. And I am 100% sure that you are teaching her that.

    crazymumma June 4, 2008 at 11:20 pm

    oh man.

    the snap. I’m sorry hon. Call in whatever troops you need.

    MamaDrama June 4, 2008 at 11:33 pm

    Oh, I have been there. You are so, so normal (with an extra worse than normal birth and nursing experience). Two is hard.

    By writing it down and acknowledging it, you are helping to let yourself see that it’s normal.

    It does get easier. And how much of being 2 do you remember? She’ll be fine. Better because she has a mama who shows her that it’s ok to cry if you’re sad.

    Jozet at Halushki June 4, 2008 at 11:58 pm

    Oh deary….

    It is so hard. Breastfeeding even in the best of circumstances can be so isolating. I remember sitting in a room of ten people, and for some reason, as soon as I put baby to breast, I was invisible.

    If you need medication for now or someone professional, I know you’ll do what you need to do.

    But, honestly, sometimes just having another person in the house helps.

    We women aren’t meant to be off alone in a house by ourselves with a newborn and a toddler. We’re meant to be with our tribe of sisters and aunties. The Amish around here do it right…when a mom has a new baby, a 16 year old neighbor girl stays with the new mom for a few months and does all the cooking and cleaning for her. Others help with childcare and just being with the new mom.

    We need more “new mom” tribes like this. Just like there is La Leche, we need groups of women – older and younger – to help just *be* with new moms.

    SUEB0B June 5, 2008 at 12:22 am

    I always wondered how people do it. I guess the real answer is “one second at a time.”

    Hugs to you, my sister.

    Miscellaneous-Mum June 5, 2008 at 1:03 am

    This isn’t something I’ve talked about publically on my blog, but one of the reasons why I started it because my mental health counsillor suggested I “Get a Hobby” when I was experiencing PPD symptoms(in my case anxiety) with Bub #2.

    It was a rather bleak period. Writing about it (or not writing about it in my case) was a nice distraction. In your case, I hope it helps being buffetted by the kindness of friends and strangers. Perhaps in mine, things might’ve turned out more differently.

    Take Care. xx

    mo-wo June 5, 2008 at 1:16 am

    Reading this I guess I feel glad that I am sort of a yeller.

    Never said that before.

    Those times will come. And go.

    Walking With Scissors June 5, 2008 at 1:27 am

    I feel for you. I’ve never met you and only just started reading your blog, but this hit close to home. I felt remarkably together and happy after my second child was born, but I lived in the seventh circle of hell for several weeks after my first, until my doctor gently suggested that I try antidepressants.

    This post brought all of those emotions back to the surface – where crying only 3 or 4 times in a day was considered a “success”. Where my poor mother couldn’t go out for an evening in case I needed her. In one moment of dispair, I actually told my husband that we should have gotten a dog. I never want to feel that way again.

    I sincerely hope that things start coming together for you soon. It’s hard enough being a mom without all of the extra crap you’re currently dealing with. I will be thinking of you. ((((hugs)))

    strawberriesandwhine June 5, 2008 at 3:13 am

    I know exactly where you are coming from, and I only have one baby. He’s 7 weeks old now, and as I commented on your previous post, we had the same problems with breastfeeding you are having. I also had a traumatic birth (emergency c-section), and my husband works long hours. I had been home from the hospital for about a week when I found myself sitting in bed with the baby, trying to get him to feed and at the same time not wanting him to feed because of the agony, and he was screaming, and I snapped. I’m so not proud of it, but I yelled at him (something along the lines of “For God’s sake, Toby, I just want to sleep!!!”), and burst into tears, and could not stop. I think it’s normal. There is a reason that they use sleep deprivation as a form of torture. And then you have a second child to care for as well. Hang in there, you’re doing great, and, trite as it sounds, it will get better…

    Cara June 5, 2008 at 8:17 am

    THIS TO SHALL PASS, I was there just a few weeks ago. My 7 week old still does not sleep through the night but it is getting better. I do find it hard to manage both kids (7 weeks and 22 months)but when hubby gets home I find reasons to go to the store alone to decompress.

    metro mama June 5, 2008 at 8:39 am

    I know this won’t be popular, but discontinuing breast feeding is an option. You can always supplement with pumped breastmilk.

    Can a family member come and stay with you for a couple of weeks?

    Syko June 5, 2008 at 9:20 am

    I’m so sorry, Catherine. I know this is hard. I snapped after my second also – just sat on my bed, holding the infant and watching the toddler (18 months old) run berserk. Crying. And I wasn’t even trying to breast feed.

    You need to get some help. Maybe there’s a nice teenager or even a 10 or 12 year old in the neighborhood who would come over and play with Emilia for a few hours a day and let you have a nice long hot shower. Even if you have to call an agency and get someone in for even part of a day, you need a few hours for you. Or you won’t be good for them.

    Don’t worry about Emilia seeing you cry. She probably won’t remember, and if she does, she will also remember that Mommy is human.

    And I’m going to echo the rebels on here and suggest putting Jasper on a bottle. He’s gotten the best of the breast feeding from you, the colostrum and immunities. There is no need to continue to hurt and torture yourself just because it’s the best way to feed. You can do your bonding and loving by sitting in a rocking chair, feeding him a nice warm bottle of formula while you enjoy healed, non-painful nipples and perhaps a cup of tea, just sitting there rocking gently and loving your boy without pain. It shouldn’t be agony for you. Babies grow up perfectly healthy with Similac.

    And if you stop, it doesn’t make you less of a mother. You are not failing, you are choosing. Think about it.

    But for right this minute – get help!

    Lala June 5, 2008 at 9:31 am

    oh dear, I’m so afraid of this myself, I don’t know what to think.

    Don Mills Diva June 5, 2008 at 9:52 am

    Oh Catherine I am so sorry. I have to risk unpopularity and second Julie – you don’t HAVE to breastfeed, you HAVE to take care of yourself…

    Kimberly C June 5, 2008 at 9:53 am

    So, yeah, can you call in your mom or his to help? Get a good friend or other relative to come by for about 3 hours after toddler gets off from preschool? I think you need HELP, not necessarily drug help, more like an extra set of hands help, someone to sit and chat with whilst holding a never wants to stop eating newborn and toddler wrangling from the couch.

    *I live near to a lot of my family- Most times I hate it because they tend to be nosy- after I had my daughter? They saved me. Someone would be sure to drop by every day and either do my dishes, fold my laundry, or watch the leach baby while I took a walk and cleared my head. It was a blessing.

    Vicki June 5, 2008 at 10:08 am

    I swear if I had the money I would fly right up there from Virginia and help you out. I had twins and I’ll tell you it isn’t easy with two. Please call anyone you know to come help you. A load of laundry and some cleaning never hurt anyone and I relied on my family and friends sooo much. I totally snapped one night when both of mine where crying and I couldn’t figure out why. Turns out they had fevers and needed some Tylenol. The first time they had been sick. I had to call my mom at 2am to come over and tell me that.

    I am soo with you hunny. I would help if I could get to Canada, I swear I would. My heart aches right now because I can’t get to you to help you.

    If I could I would totally come take care of you, Emilia, Jasper, and HBF for a while. House cleaning, laundry, and all…I’m so sorry sweetie. Just hang in there and call in those reinforcements!!!

    ((((((HBM)))))))

    Email me if I can do anything…fetchthis@hotmail.com.

    stringbean June 5, 2008 at 10:26 am

    Delurking in Detroit to send virtual hugs and good vibes your way.

    I’ve been reading your blog for quite a while now, and as a new-ish mother find that you always put into words all of the things about motherhood – the good, the bad, the messy, the sad and the magical – that I never, ever could. Thanks for that!

    Please know that we’re all thinkin’ about you. And yeah, like I said – hugs, sister, hugs.

    Anonymous June 5, 2008 at 10:32 am

    oh catherine sending you a big hug.i know how hard it is with a newborn and a toddler. is there someone who can come and give you a hand? has your lactation consultant been any help for breastfeeding issues? catherine its ok and understandable that you are feeling anxious and overwhelmed right now.i could tell you it will get better (it does ) but that won’t help you now. reach out to someone so that you don’t feel so alone please.love and hugs to you LAVANDULA

    Binkytown June 5, 2008 at 10:55 am

    I’m here too with the unpopular, but if you were my best friend I’d sit you down and grab your shoulders and say give that kid a bottle pep talk. Obviously I would want you to do what you want to do, but you NEED to hear that it’s OK if it’s JUST TOO MUCH with two. Because it is- it’s OK. Completely OK.

    eastvillagemom June 5, 2008 at 11:29 am

    I have one little guy, now 1 year old.
    A week after he was born my husband went back to his very demanding job and I have a vivid memory of holding my son in his nursery and sobbing alone. I am just feeling all the sympathy in the world for you and echo everyone else–it WILL get better, and ask for all the help you can.
    And neither kid will remember you crying so don’t feel guilty about that, cry if you need to.

    Janet June 5, 2008 at 11:58 am

    My best friend has a grandmother-in-law in her 90′s. She is a hardy woman, who raised many children and lived her life on a farm. This same 90-year-old woman looked at my friend, when she had an infant and a two-year-old and said, “I don’t know how you mother’s do it today. In my day, a female relative would come and live with you to look after the house and children for six weeks after a baby’s birth. We weren’t even allowed to get out of bed for very long.”

    Six. Weeks.

    I don’t think we get long enough to heal, these days. I really don’t. It will get better. Be kind to yourself.

    Susie June 5, 2008 at 12:07 pm

    I only breastfed my daughter until she was 5 weeks. Before that it was constant pain, torture, and not a happy experience for either of us. Now she is a healthy, happy almost 13 year old. I am not saying to stop, you need to make that choice, but maybe you can take a break? Can you get someone to come in and play with your daughter and help you out? Maybe a local teen on summer vacation. Just to give you a little break. I am sorry you are going through this!

    Syko June 5, 2008 at 12:30 pm

    Agreeing with Janet. They don’t let us heal. When I was born, my mom didn’t get out of bed until 2 weeks after the birth. When my kids were born, we had 4 to 5 days in the hospital with the kid in the nursery being cared for while we rested and prettied up for visiting hours and fed the baby and cuddled it for an hour on a regular schedule. Now these poor moms, even the ones with grueling delivery experiences, are thrown out the door of the hospital so fast, and expected to take care of everything just as they did before, and you CAN. NOT. DO. IT.

    Catherine, sweetie, think of something that would get you some relief, and do it. Now. Don’t worry over the kids, they’ll be fine no matter what. It’s you that needs the help, and if I could get there, I’d be knocking on your door right now.

    ScientistMother June 5, 2008 at 1:02 pm

    You are an amazing mother to a wonderful little girl and boy, and all three of you are adjusting. You are amazing for sharing your feelings because you have let so many mothers realize that it is normal and OK to feel the way you do. You have let so many realize they are not alone in their experience. You are not alone. If I was not across the country I would come there, but other friends are their, have them come over. You know in your heart what is best for you, do what is best for you because whatever that is will be best for both WB and Chomper. You can not and do not have to be perfect. If you need to order in everyday for 6 weeks, do it. Hugs, prayers and everything else is being sent your way

    Kelly June 5, 2008 at 1:09 pm

    My youngest is 18m in a few days, and only recently have I become more able to not collapse on the floor sobbing and more able to control the yelling I do. A few months ago during the most hectic time of the day (pre-dinner) I did just that. In the middle of trying to get dinner ready with one screaming and the other whining I just snapped and fell to the floor, sobbing and begging my 3.5yr old to please.just.stop. and that I.just.couldn’t.take.it.anymore. He stopped, immediately, and watched. He watched the tears, he listened to Mommy sob, and he tried so very very hard to help. He tried everything his little 3yr old mind could think to make Mommy better. For days afterwards he asked if ‘Mommy is sad?’ and did ‘Mommy need cry?’ He’s different since then, but not in a bad way. He’s begun to vocalize his feelings more instead of just flipping out in a tantrum. He understands, perfectly and clearly, that when Mommy says “please no talking right now” that I mean it and he actually shuts up (for a good while) and becomes more patient.

    For your daughter, she’ll see it, and seeing it will help her become a more empathetic, considerate person. That doesn’t make it easier on you, really, but know that she’ll be ok.

    PeetsMom June 5, 2008 at 1:16 pm

    I’m tearing up feeling your anguish. Cry if you need to, write because you need to and have faith you’ll be ok…it’s just waiting out the tough time…you can do it!

    big virtual hug!

    mamatulip June 5, 2008 at 1:36 pm

    (((Catherine)))

    Thinking of you, love.

    xo

    Anonymous June 5, 2008 at 1:53 pm

    with my one month old, i have noticed that if i swaddle him before i feed him, he will fall asleep no problem after he’s done nursing, then i can just put him in the crib and he’ll sleep for 4 hours. the 3 year old responds to me better if i’m not carrying around the newborn, and i’m less frazzled. i’m on my 2nd day alone with the 3 year old and the newborn….. we lost the lovey today so nap-time was interesting…

    Jen O. June 5, 2008 at 3:42 pm

    I am currently 35 weeks pregnant and I have been experiencing moderate depression this time around. When I “snap”, and my very sensitive two year old is there, it just kills me more. She tells me that “it’s ok, mommy” and to “stop crying, mommy”. It kills me inside to know that she is so affected by my emotions and that I can’t control them in order to protect her from the second-hand hurt I’m inflicting her with.

    mothergoosemouse June 5, 2008 at 3:44 pm

    It gets better. It does. I swear.

    Love you, my friend. xoxo

    Beck June 5, 2008 at 5:44 pm

    RIGHT after I had the Baby it was summer and I was home all day (and non-driving. in a small town) with a newborn who threw up all the time, a toddler and a six year old. I just about went crazy.
    And then I hired a handy 12 year old to hang out with me all day and keep the kids busy and play with ‘em outside and stuff. ANd I lived happily and not too crazy ever after, the end.

    Anonymous June 5, 2008 at 6:03 pm

    Dear HBR,
    I want to suggest you something that truly will help you.

    Have you heard of HOMEOPATHY?

    If you can, try to = find a registered homeopathic practitioner.

    Homeopathy is amazing for healing…and especially for your condition, the healing after such a traumatic birth and your breasts.

    I know you live in Ontario. You can look at OHA website (Ontario Homeopathic association). You can find the homeopath background and make sure they are educated (college education) and are especially classical practitioner and make sure they have a good background in practice. If you ask OHA they will say all of the homeopaths that are registered are good. But the reality is that you have to find a homeopath that has experience with your condition. That not necessarily means years of practice but cases like you.

    I wish I could tell you names but I feel if I do this then you would think I am promoting someone….that is not my intention at all. I am sincerely telling you, with your history of PPD and all that you are going through, homeopathy is a safe and extremely effective way with much much deep healing than Zoloft or Paxal or even crying all alone!
    Be well dear!l

    Wisconsin Mommy June 5, 2008 at 7:06 pm

    Delurking to say that you are feeling what any normal person would feel in those circumstances. I snapped WAY worse than that with only one child. I won’t offer any words of assvice since I a) don’t really have any and b) remember how ever suggestion felt like a criticism or judgement in my hormone induced state.

    I will just offer some virtual hugs and sympathy.

    womaninawindow June 5, 2008 at 7:15 pm

    Thank goodness these are transitional times. They don’t feel it when you’re in it but they pass. You will all be alright. (Ya, I’ll go to hell…) And to think I was just over at Blogs are Stupid thinking fondly on having babies…How soon we forget!

    Jezer June 5, 2008 at 7:40 pm

    I have no words of advice or wisdom, only much love and prayers and thoughts for you.

    And many, many hugs.

    em v June 5, 2008 at 7:51 pm

    Yeah. It’s the worst between 6 and 8:30 pm. It must be very hard to have your daughter see you lose it, and worry about YOU. It’s extreme compared to what you’ve experienced before together, but still in the realm of realistic and very unlikely long-term damage-creating.

    I didn’t have the traumatic birth you had, or the nursing problems, and I’m (pretty sure) I’m not depressed, but I certainly had regularly for the first month, and still occasionally, similar Can’t Fucking Do It feelings, even four months after the birth of #2 (like you, with a two and a half year old in tow). Managing the needs of two at the same time is a complicated learning curve. My saviour was a cradle-style baby swing, and the baby has logged many many hours in there (more that I’d care to admit).

    I found by the time my baby was 3-4 weeks old, the timing of their needs naturally staggered better and although I was constantly “doing”, at least it was for one THEN the other… hopefully you’ll get there soon.

    My friend who had her baby at the same time as me and also has a toddler would get friends and neighbours to come and help her during the dinner/bath/bedtime frenzy when her husband was working, just to keep the child/adult ratio a little more equal: Is this in any way a possibility for you? If not, paid babysitter? An extra body to distract Miss E while you grapple with the nursing could take some heat off you.

    Mumma Boo June 5, 2008 at 10:26 pm

    Overwhelmed, lost, not knowing where to begin, or where to stop; the tears, the pain, the guilt, the sheer exhaustion. It’s all normal, especially with the 2nd one. You try to be strong for the 1st, so that she doesn’t see, doesn’t worry. But you can’t. And that’s OK! It will get better as Jasper gets older, and Emilia will blossom into a big helper. Jasper is still so very new for all of you, but soon you’ll find your rhythm. If you can, find a mother’s helper for the afternoons or evenings or whatever the “witching hour” might be. And it can be Emilia’s witching hour or Jasper’s. Or yours! Whatever time you need the most help. Even an hour break can do wonders. Don’t be afraid to ask for the help you need, whether it be babysitting, medicinal, or someone to talk to. You are surrounded by many folks who would love to help. All you have to do is ask. Peace, Catherine, and many, many hugs.

    Mandy June 6, 2008 at 12:01 am

    Only in today’s society do we expect mothers to be isolated at home, alone, and cope with everything: infant, other children, managing a house, etc.

    Please either call someone (family doctor, nurse, doula, night nurse, nanny) or have HBF call.

    It took courage to write what you did. It takes courage to ask for help. You will never regret either.

    Rachael June 6, 2008 at 12:35 am

    This is tough, motherhood is tough, and you’re still in the adjustment phase right now – it will get better. It’s okay to be overwhelmed. I’m sorry though, it’s not easy to feel that way. I think it’s a sign of health that you do know that you feel overwhelmed, and know that sometimes it’s okay to just let go because there’s nothing else you can do. I hope you feel better. (HUGS)

    ::::wifemothermaniac:::: June 6, 2008 at 3:09 am

    If you could i’d say hire a live in nanny to help with cooking and cleaning and basic child entertaining, or hire a post partum doula. get some help somehow, if you can afford it. I’m going to be in the same boat as you soon but we can’t afford it, so I’ll be using motherwort (a herbal narcotic excellent for mothers!) and blessed thistle, a herbal antidepressant type thing that’s excellent for lactation as well. You could try those too :) Hope you feel better, it’s so hard to have to do so much alone!

    justmylife June 6, 2008 at 7:44 am

    Oh, I am sorry, you sound overwhelmed! When my third child was born she had colic, my hubby had back surgery and I had 2 almost teen boys.
    Believe me it does get better. I would sit and cry for hours on end, I had no help for any of it. In fact, I know we ate every day, but I don’t remember ever cooking! heh!
    You are a strong woman and if I can make it I know you will! I barely remember those 3 months, it may have something to do with the 3 hours of broken up sleep I got each night and no nap during the day.
    This will pass, let your HBF take the slack when he is home and try to rest when you can.
    Good Luck, my thoughts are with you and {{{{{HUGS}}}}}

    ALI June 6, 2008 at 7:46 am

    yeah…been there, it started with the worst tantrum my two year old ever had, after a loooonngg day of tantrums and a newborn to take care of, and ended me calling my husband in tears and once he came home, me going to my room (baby attached to nip) to give myself a timeout-and i reeaaallly didn’t want the baby there, but what choice did i have. I get it, it gets better.

    about this time i started going to yoga once (or twice) a week-two hours to myself did the trick.

    sending you a hug

    cathy June 6, 2008 at 8:37 am

    What a raw, powerful post. I’m crying – because of your pain and because, even though I didn’t have PPD, I did have similar snap moments after the birth of my second child. It IS hard. It IS overwhelming – even under the best of circumstances, and with the hard birth and painful nursing and husband gone for long hours, your circumstances are hard right now.

    I hope that you find some peace, HBM. It does get better – easier somehow.

    Pgoodness June 6, 2008 at 9:23 am

    i’m so sorry you’re hurting. it’s hard and i feel for you. I’m not going to tell you to quit breastfeeding or go on meds (you know what you need better than me), but I will tell you that your way of snapping is healthy, that your self-awareness is impressive and that if i lived near you I would be there in a heartbeat just to give you time to breathe and heal.

    you are amazing and doing wonderfully, even though it doesn’t feel like it right now.

    Lurker Girl June 6, 2008 at 9:40 am

    All I can offer is a giant hug and a prayer. This WILL get better–but I agree with a lot of the posters: It’s time to pop the top on a can of formula and give your boobs and sanity a break. Just a supplimenetal bottle now and then won’t hurt a thing–and you may find that he does better with the formula–just saying.

    I remember my “snap”–all Mom’s have been there–you are NOT alone.

    (((HUG)))

    GoMommy June 6, 2008 at 10:01 am

    Alot of us have been where you are! We like to think we’re superwomen…my son was just over 2 when his baby brother bounced his way into the world, and I thought I was going to lose my mind! It gets better- and now they are 6 and 4, and things are much, much easier.

    Tiaras & Tantrums June 6, 2008 at 11:00 am

    yes, the little bums suck the life (and milk) right out of us, dont’ they! Keep trying girl! It WILL get better – it will!!

    wherewiller June 6, 2008 at 11:41 am

    I’m about an hour and a half’s drive away – can I stop in and entertain your daughter?!
    Of course, I’m not necessarily the best person to help out as I continue to ‘snap’, dealing with a toddler and a 7 month old. Once, a few months ago, I just walked out of the house, I couldn’t take it anymore.
    One of my coping strategies was to combination feed, and I only did that until baby was 6 months old. Do what you have to do to get yourself healed and in a better frame of mind.
    And I know everyone means well when they say it’s going to get better, and yes okay it does, but it’s still hard! At least for me.
    I wish you rest and healed breasts and some you-time…

    Kelly June 6, 2008 at 1:25 pm

    Everyone has been so wise and insightful with these comments, I’m not sure what I can add. When you have two, breastfeeding becomes that much more difficult. And when you’re in pain, from birth and ravaged nipples, and sleep-deprived on top, with another child that needs tending to, holy hell, how is one supposed to stay calm?

    It gets so much better. If you feel like you can’t nurse anymore, that’s what you need to do. If you want to continue, several commenters on your last post recommended that APNO from Dr. Newman. I’ll say it again, it saved my nipples and my sanity.

    I hope you feel buoyed by the virtual support of your blog friends. We’re certainly thinking about you.

    Dawn June 6, 2008 at 2:35 pm

    Reading this reminded me of early last year when I was first left alone with my twin boys. The thing that I didn’t do, that I should have done, was ask for help. Ask for what you need, you don’t have to do this alone. And know that you are heard by people who do care and are sending you positive thoughts/prayers.

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