Beaner

August 22, 2008

And then, there was this:

wow, you don’t understand what your post really did for me today… I am right now in the middle of an adoption plan gone wrong… i have so many emotions going through my mind… Its hard for me to look at her sometimes because I know what I should do, but why can’t I do it?! …just got word the adoptive couple just wants to back out completely… is this a sign? do I keep my baby girl even though if I do I will be sacrificing the lives of all my children… this baby is #3… I would love to have your opinion… please…

Her name is Marie. When I saw her comment, the other day, I stood up from my chair, closed my computer and walked away. I walked into the room where my baby was sleeping, and sat down on the floor with my knees curled up against my chest, my arms wrapped around my legs, my heart pounding. I didn’t cry. I was cried out already, from having written that post, from having taken that story that I’ve been carrying for days and bringing it to life, from having made public my pledge to do this remarkable, difficult thing. To find my brother.

If I wanted to make this story more poetic, I would say this: that I stood up and looked at my baby – my precious baby boy, this boy that I could no more give up than carve out my own heart – and, overwhelmed by my love for him, made my mind up to help Marie at once. But that’s not what happened. I stood up, and took extra care to not look at my boy – for fear that I would be reduced to a sodden mess of tears – and went back to my computer. I opened it up and logged on to Twitter and prattled something about could anyone, anyone please go respond to this comment please please I just can’t and then I went and ate some cake.

Then I went back to my computer and posted a response to Marie: Please, Marie. E-mail me.

And she did.

I found your blog one day just browsing and you are amazing… It was so ironic to find your story and here I am going through this… I haven’t made a decision yet… I haven’t even named my baby yet, she’s been with me since monday and all I can call her is Beaner, what I called her when she was in my belly… I’m really confused, I don’t know what to do….. She’s not my only child, this is kinda a big mess…

I started my adoption plan 2 months ago, I told my family… they are not happy.. I live in a shithole little town that sucks the people in and i don’t want to be one of them… My family threatened to take my 2 older kids 2&4 away if I placed this baby… I went into labor early, I had her on July 23 and she wasn’t due until Sept 3. After my mom drove me to the hospital where I gave birth alone, I got a summons that afternoon stating my parents were granted temp custody of my 2 other kids because I abandoned them…

I picked a family and because of all this drama, they backed out and now I’m left with deciding do I try to get to know another family as fast as I can? Or do I take it as a sign and keep my baby… I’m just afraid of the life I’m destined to have w/ my kids in this shit hole town if I do… If I place her in an open adoption, I can still see her grow and be happy…And then I can move out of shitville with my kids and away from my family….

I don’t know…

I wanted to say to her, keep your baby. Keep your beaner, please. But how could I say that, when I didn’t know that would be the best thing, the right thing? My own heart is bruised and sore, struggling to come to terms with my mother’s loss, with my own loss, a loss that I had never known, a loss that might have been for the best, who knows? I didn’t know. I don’t know.

I’m not the best person to turn to on matters concerning the heart, right now.

I said this:

Oh, Marie.

I wish I knew what to tell you. All I can think is, you haven’t said what you *want* – what do you want most? It’s so hard to predict or know what the best path is – but what one do you *want* to take? Do you want to keep your beaner? Can you get out of your town with all three kids? Or do you really think – and this might be true – that beaner’s best shot at a good life is with another family? SO HARD.

I wish that I could do more to help, other than say things like ‘follow your heart’…

It’s not necessarily true that her heart will guide her to the best decision. I know that. Maybe the heart should be left out of decisions like this. I know that my mom tried to put her heart aside, or part of it. It was why she didn’t hold her own beaner. She was afraid that she would never let him go, and that that would be the wrong thing for him. That it would not be the best thing, that she would get carried away by her own selfishness, that she would give in to the selfish thrum of her heart and keep her boy. Her heart was divided against itself: do what was best for her heart – keep her child – and do what she believed was best for his heart – give him to a family that could give him everything she couldn’t.

She did what she believed was best for him. But it broke her heart. The cracks have never gone away. And now here I am, her daughter, her love, suffering for knowing that those cracks existed, that I could never fill them, for the fact that I never knew they were there.

But this isn’t about me.

I don’t know what to tell you, I told Marie. Can we ask some others for help?

Yes, she said. Please.

my heart wants to keep my beaner but my mind says i cant… i don’t think i have asked my self what my heart wants… i need all the advice i can get. this just hurts so much i love all my kids so much and i just want the best for them.

please.

I can’t, we can’t, tell Marie what to do. We can’t know what the best thing is to do, anymore than I can know what the best thing would have been for my mom and for my brother. All we can do is hope and pray that they find – that they have found – some path to happiness.

And we can hold her hand while she finds her way. Please, any words of support you can offer… so many moms never get to have this kind of support. My mom didn’t. Offer it to Marie, and to all the moms that do and ever did need it.

********

To all of you who have been sending links and tips and stories: thank you. I love you. I just do.

And? That thing that I said we were going to do? We’re still doing it. Next week, if I can stay on top of everything. Info here.

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    { 85 comments }

    Anonymous August 22, 2008 at 10:58 pm

    I am a single mother. I got pregnant later in life after years of believing I couldn’t have children. I never entertained the possibility of not having my daughter, or of giving her up for adoption. I knew she was my only chance to have a child. Our situations are different, but I feel like we have something in common – love for our children.
    I can’t imagine how hard it must be for you to make this decision. You obviously love your children, and you will make the right decision for Beaner because you love her.
    I hope your family can open their eyes and see their way to helping you, not fighting you, not fighting the decision that is yours alone to make. All of my hopes and prayers are with you and your children tonight.

    Just Jinny August 22, 2008 at 11:00 pm

    Sorry, I didn’t get to finish my original post.

    Basically, I think every adoptive situation is different. But, I think about how greatful I would be to the woman (girl?) who made the hard decision to let their child go so that my husband and I had the chance to be parents.

    Diana August 22, 2008 at 11:26 pm

    Marie, I can’t possibly even attempt to know what is best for your or for your beaner, but wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts. I have the utmost respect for you and believe you deserve support no matter your decision. Whichever you make, it will be one of the hardest of your life.

    Best wishes!

    Diana

    Laurie of the Seven Stories August 23, 2008 at 12:09 am

    Dear Marie,

    First, I want you to know that I really can empathize with your situation. I have been there. I never gave up a baby for adoption, but at eighteen, under duress, I did have an abortion. It nearly mad me crazy. Literally, I wound up in the psych ward.

    After that, I returned to college, but I was never, ever the same. I met a guy that I really liked about a year later and became pregnant again. I wouldn’t say that I did it on purpose, but I think deep down inside I felt that having a baby would be the only way that I could begin to heal, so I wasn’t careful.

    Of course, the reality of the situation was a lot tougher than my naive nineteen year old mind ever could have envisioned. Needless to say, my parents were very disappointed and not at all happy. They told me that if I wanted to keep the baby that I would have to get married.

    Today, my daughter is fourteen years old. She is gorgeous and smart and would be any parents dream.
    She is also the light of my parents’ life and I know everyday they are happy that I kept her and did not listen to their advice to place her for adoption.

    I am not going to lie to you, Marie, it has not always been easy, and sometimes it has been really hard. I have regretted being such a moron; not practicing safe sex; not having a better sense of self, or more clear goals for myself as a young adult. I came from a well-to-do family; I had every advantage; and sometimes I think of all the things that I could have been, if to be blunt, I hadn’t been such a fuck up.

    On the other hand, I have never, ever once regretted keeping my daughter. There is nothing in this world that could ever replace her. Everything that I sacrificed for her pales in comparison to her. She is most amazing. And you know what, she has made me such a better person, she gave my life meaning and direction that I don’t think any other force in this world could have.

    Keeping your baby may seem an insurmountable task now; and your worries about not being able to leave town are legitimate, but remember Marie, in this life, every one faces obstacles. Tommorow, you could be diagnosed with cancer and that could prevent you from leaving town. Or a tornado could hit; or you get in a car accident. Who knows what tommorow brings? Don’t let the hurdles scare you from jumping.

    Most of all, don’t let your perceived mistakes determine the course of your life. Just because you have made some mistakes, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be allowed to choose, to determine your future path. Use this difficult time to become the person you want to be, not in spite of your circumstances, but because of them.

    I am becoming the person that I want to be not in spite of the mistakes I made, but because I learned from them, grew from them, and made the best out of them.

    Please feel free to contact me- you can either email me from my blog profile or leave me a comment there, or twitter me. I’ll be happy to help you in any way that I can.

    kittenpie August 23, 2008 at 1:04 am

    HBM is right, we can’t tell you what to do. But I can tell you this – whatever you decide, you can make it.

    If you decide that you want to try to find a way to place her with other parents, you will make it. You may never forget, you may never be fully happy with the decision, you may lie awake nights wondering, but you will make it.

    If you decide you can’t possibly part with her, likewise, you will find a way to give her the best life you can. You may have hard times, you may be tired to the very bone at times, you may lie awake at night and wonder if this was the right call, but you will make it. I know this because my own mom was a young, unwed, poor mother with all strikes against her, but because she wanted to keep me, she worked her ass off to make it work.

    What I’m saying is that you are stronger than you think, and that either way, you will always wonder, will never be able to know with certainty what was right, because neither is wrong, but that you will keep on for you and for your other kids and so that all three of them will be proud of you some day, whether they all live with you or not.

    You will be strong, Marie. Just give yourself the chance to think about it a bit so you can figure out which ways you need to be strong.

    egm August 23, 2008 at 2:49 am

    Dear Marie,

    Knowing the right places to look for support, love, and encouragement is one of the most important skills a mother can have, so I think it’s significant that you turned to HBM (love your blog–been lurking for awhile now) in this situation. You are a *good* mother, a thoughtful and loving mother, just for initiating this conversation.

    I hope you will find some of the love, support, and encouragement you’ve received from the online community in the community where you live. It might not come from the places you might expect (your parents), but it’s out there.

    There’s no right answer, no magic words that will suddenly give you the clarity you need. But you, Beaner, and your other children will be in my prayers.

    God bless you.

    babybloomr August 23, 2008 at 9:30 am

    Marie,
    I pray for peace and clear direction. I pray for inner strength beyond any you have ever experienced before. I pray that your hurting heart can open up to the love and support that is being offered unconditionally by strangers who honestly care about you, your beaner, your other children and your situation.
    There are good people out there in the world, Marie. A lot of a-holes, yes, but good caring people as well– like HBM for instance. Whether you give beaner to some good people or let some good people be there for you as you struggle to raise her, know that help does exist for you.

    Bloggymommer August 23, 2008 at 9:31 am

    Marie,
    I wanted to second what Andrea said:

    Whichever decision that you choose will be somehow ‘right’

    That doesn’t make this any easier today, but it will make it so much easier years down the road.

    Anonymous August 23, 2008 at 9:44 am

    I want to help. I want to come babysit and let you and all your children come stay with me. I don’t know you, but I’ve been there and I don’t wish your situation on anyone. I had two children under 3 and a perpetually unemployed husband by the time I was 20 and found out I was pregnant again. It’s so hard, but you will find a way. Open adoption, or just help, the options are out there and I pray that you find the help you need.

    Corina August 23, 2008 at 11:29 am

    Marie:
    I feel for you. I don’t know what it is like to make a decision like this, although I know of a few that have had to make these choices. It is heart wrenching.

    If you are honest with yourself, and say that you can’t provide a loving and stable home for this child, let him go. It is a hard choice that you need to make, but it is one that is best one you can make for you and your family. There are lots of loving parents out there that will offer your child that. Then you can focus on providing your other children with security and their needs.

    Here is what I am hearing from the post. You want to keep the baby, you just don’t know if it is good for the baby, or for your other children. Think long and hard on this and you will find your answer. If you feel like YOUR situation is stable, that YOU can provide a loving home and a provide for the children (even if that means public assistance from time to time), then keep the baby. What I am hearing from the post is that you are worried by having this child, you are stuck in your dead end town. If that is really your only concern, that you will be stuck there. Otherwise, if you can provide for your kids, keep the baby. If you are clean (drugs and alcohol), and loving and want this child, keep the baby.

    You can make it happen. Find some outside family assistance. It really is AMAZING the things that people can accomplish. You CAN get out of that town if you want it, baby or not. The baby will complicate things, that is sure, but it doesn’t make it impossible.

    You need to be honest with yourself. You are the only one that can make this decision. If it is simple of fear of being stagnant, elbow grease and determination will solve that problem. If it is much more than that, you have your answer.

    May you find peace and solutions in the days to come. I will be thinking of your family.

    Allie August 23, 2008 at 11:45 am

    Marie,
    I support adoption 100%, it is a beautiful option. I support the sturggle a mother has if she chooses to keep a baby she is not sure she can support but reaches out for help.
    I am no one, really. I have two children and a husband. I am a mother and a wife and have not changed the world except to bring into it two amazing children. That being said, I will do anything I can to help you. We all will. If you need our telephone numbers, or email addresses for support – I am sure the majority of us will give them out. I cannot offer adoption solutions, 800#’s, or advice. Everything happens for a reason, if you want to speak, we will listen. The choice you make will be the right one. You can do this, you can do this, you can do this. You are a mother, you can do anything.

    Anonymous August 23, 2008 at 2:28 pm

    We adopted our son through American Adoptions, http://www.americanadoptions.com. This agency was really great with our birth mother. Everyone who works there has been adopted, are birth mothers or have adopted children. They are all very caring and maybe Marie could call them and get some counseling. They DO NOT pressure birth moms. They talk, share their experiences and most important they listen to the birth mothers. It might be a way for Marie to sort out feelings with a person with an objective view.

    Shame on her family for not supporting her and for taking away her 2 kids. I feel for her.

    We have an open adoption (the only kind that American Adoptions does). I keep in email contact with the birth mom, send her pictures and our son knows all about her.

    Hope this helps, will keep everyone in our thoughts.

    Bennie August 23, 2008 at 2:55 pm

    Marie,

    From a male and father’s perspective: I also cannot tell you what to do. The connection a child has to her or his mother is much different than that of the father. I truly admire that aspect of pregnancy and childbirth.

    With that said you truly have a tremendous amount of courage. I can also say you came to the right place for advice but more importantly for support. The moms that visit here are the very best to be found. Read each of their words carefully. Digest them all. And then make your decision.

    After it has been made then return for more support. If you need help someone that reads this blog will be able to help you.

    My family will be praying and hoping you make the right choice.

    The Other Laura August 23, 2008 at 4:11 pm

    Marie, My thoughts and prayers are with you during this difficult time.

    Whenever I am struggling with a decision, I try to imagine exactly how I would feel with each individual choice, perhaps trying that would help you in your decision.

    Mommato2 August 23, 2008 at 9:35 pm

    Whew…HBM, as if a new baby and busy toddler were not enough to deal with. First of all, good luck with your search for your brother. My heart goes out to your Mom, and I also commend her bravery. Times were very different back then.

    Marie…my best friend was blessed enough to be able to adopt a baby which she had been longing for for five long years. The birth mother was a single Mom with a one year old who recognized that she could not support her new baby.

    The unselfishness of her decision amazes me to this day.

    Nobody can make this very difficult decision for you…look deep into your heart, and I will send some prayers your way.

    whensheworeponytails August 23, 2008 at 9:48 pm

    Marie, as a Mother I wish I had a good piece of advice. It’s my thinking that you can only do what every single mother does every single day. And that is make the best choice you can with the information and resources you have. And when you do that? You can never really regret. I mean, of course you do. But you have to know you did your best. And that’s all you can do.

    You’ve been given a lot of advice on both sides of the coin. And I, too, know of some wonderful adoption stories and some wonderful stories where a birth mother made the other choice. And there is never a way to know which way is right. You choices are so difficult right now and I wish strength for you as you make whichever choice you make.

    You will be in my thoughts as you search your heart to do what’s best for your child and children.

    ophelia August 23, 2008 at 10:58 pm

    When I was 23, I gave birth to a baby boy. He was my third child in six years. I mistakenly believed his father would provide the stability and love I craved. After six months, I realized that I could no longer be the parent my son deserved. I was in my last year of university and there were never enough hours in the day . . .
    My parents also turned their backs on me – they felt I was making a grave mistake. One wintry day in February, I placed my son in his adoptive mother’s arms, saying “Here he is , Mom”. It was the hardest thing I had done – but also the best. I knew that these two people could provide him with attention, security, stability, and of course, love. But it was never a question of “love” – I had more than enough love for him, but sometimes love is just not enough.
    Fast forward 17 years . . .
    My birth son is entering his last year of school. He is healthy, happy, and well – adjusted. He has had opportunities that he never would have had with me. And best of all, our two families have managed to forge a relationship that defies words. I have attended his hockey games, birthdays. He has spent weekends with my family, and he is particularly close with my oldest son as they share many of the same passions.
    Is our situation an anomaly? I don’t think so. With compassion, trust, and time, we have done what has worked for us. Would I make the same decision again, yes – without a doubt. It allowed me the opportunity to better myself, and by doing so, create a better life for all of my children.

    Anonymous August 23, 2008 at 11:50 pm

    I’m adopted and have just recently found my biological family. I had a great life but wanted to know my roots. Sometimes doing the hardest thing is the right thing. I beg of you to have the adoptive parents know little beaner was loved. Write a note, draw a picture, anything so that there is that knowledge that it was out of love if you do decide to give your child to adoptive parents.

    Christina August 23, 2008 at 11:59 pm

    I think you said it best: you have to do what you feel is right in your heart.

    Somewhere out in the world my husband has a brother. Aaron’s mom gave birth to a boy when she was 16. She kept the baby until he was 2 years old. At that point, she decided she couldn’t care for him any longer (long story, I’m told) and she gave Joshua up for adoption. She later met Aaron’s dad and they had two sons together.

    No one knows where Joshua is. He was adopted locally, but they don’t know his last name or if they even kept his first name. Aaron wants to find his half-brother, but at the same time he’s hesitant to do so. He says he doesn’t know how he could meet him and give him the news that their mother is dead.

    Aaron’s own mother was adopted, too, and we have no idea how to go about finding her birth parents, if they’re even still alive.

    Anonymous August 24, 2008 at 8:29 am

    I think she needs to really think about the life she could offer all 3 children if she kept the baby. She is struggling with 2 kids already. However, people make it out of terrible situations every day. I have never even had to remotely consider what to do in a situation such as that. That being said, it sounds like an open adoption may be the right move.

    Tracey August 24, 2008 at 4:38 pm

    Marie,
    Just sending out another hug from a fellow mother. I have no experience in the matters, and I cannot imagine the heartache you must be feeling. Please reach out for all the help that is out there (a lot of places listed here).

    Hang in there!

    Homemom3 August 24, 2008 at 6:05 pm

    My heart breaks for this mom, for her family to betray her in such a way instead of helping her. Taking her children at a time she was most vulnerable. This just sucks. I’ll keep her in my thoughts. I have no advice but after reading some comments here I can tell she has found a gold mine of advice. This is one of those stories that really makes you dig down deep and think, man I’m going to hug my kids now.

    Diane August 24, 2008 at 7:51 pm

    I cannot imagine having to make a decision like that. I wish I had some magical solution for Marie, but I don’t. The only thing I can do is tell her we are thinking about her and whatever decision she makes, she will have support.

    Ree August 24, 2008 at 8:14 pm

    Dear, dear Marie,

    None of us can tell you what to do. We can offer our hearts and our shoulders – we can, maybe, share stories.

    The thought that this adoptive family is backing out makes me believe that they weren’t the right family – so take that to heart. It’s a good thing, right? If they’re willing to walk away because of a little drama – would they have been the right parents for your Beaner?

    But as someone who was married and unable to conceive, I would have adored to have a child that I could raise – healthy and happy – maybe there is, yet, a family waiting for your baby.

    Or maybe you are the family for your newest child.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you.

    ThatGirl August 24, 2008 at 8:34 pm

    I’m an adoptive mom, twiceover, and this just makes me wonder what lies ahead… I have no way of finding their birthparents, they were abandoned in China.

    Kimberly Schrock August 24, 2008 at 10:18 pm

    My husband and I are blessed to be parents of a beautiful 2 year old boy. He was once and still is someone’s beaner.

    We adopted him at birth, and maintain a very open adoption with his birth mother. She did what she felt was best, even though it broke her heart. It was never that she didn’t want him.

    As a parent it’s my job raise my son to know and love his birth mom and be proud of his family, whatever form it is!

    I love the woman who made me a mother and it breaks my heart to hear that the family Marie chose backed out.

    Families like ours, families committed to open adoption are everywhere.

    Marie’s decision is hers alone and should be done so with her heart, out of love either way.

    It’s because of stories like that of your brother that our son will grow up knowing everything he can about both of the families that love him.

    Theresa August 25, 2008 at 3:46 am

    I think following your heart is the only right way to do anything. It prevents you from living a life that you regret at the end. Your heart always knows what is best.

    Find some quiet time to sit and meditate, listen to your soul.

    God bless you on your journey.

    Maggie August 25, 2008 at 9:55 am

    Marie,
    I know it doesn’t always seem like it but the truth is you can do anything you want to do. The obstacles standing in our way, getting in between the *here* where we are and the *there* where we want to be, are obstacles WE have created. If you want to get out of that shithole town, you can do it. With two kids, with three kids, by yourself – how ever you decide to do it. It will be hard but no one can stop you but you.
    I think it is very brave to reach out for help like this. I’ll be thinking about you and your beaner…

    Bad Mother,
    Thank you for your beautiful writing. Really…wow.
    Maggie

    lavandula August 25, 2008 at 12:05 pm

    a small part of me is wondering what marie isn’t telling. but the bigger part my heart is breaking for her. she is the only one who can decide whats best. none of us can make this decision for her. can she ask for help from her family? or from the childs fathers family? sometimes the best thing to do isn’t always the easiest. which could be adoption or fighting to keep your child. is marie perhaps suffering from post partum because of the traumatic circumstances of babys birth? or perhaps her financial situation is not stable? there is always help to be found. i hope and pray for marie that she can find the help she needs. and as for wanting to leave her home town you can leave but that doesn’t always make the problems go away. i know from first hand experience.well God bless you marie and i hope you can find peace in your heart upon making this very hard decision.

    Anonymous August 25, 2008 at 12:42 pm

    Dear Marie:

    It is hard to tell from your post whether in your heart you want to keep your baby but follow your heart, whatever you do. The net is replete with stories of mothers, like HMS own mother, who regret the decision to give up their child to their dying day. Yet there are just as many who know they gave their child the most unselfish gift in making the same choice. Please try to envision your life in 5, 10 and 20 years and reflect on how you may feel about your choice at a later time.

    It is hard to tell whether want your to keep your baby or whether you feel like you should because your family wants you to. Your decision to name your child in utero and in wondering whether it is a sign the other couple backed out make me think you may, in your heart, want to keep this baby. Yet, you sound conflicted about your own personal wants and desires to escape shitville.

    If, in your heart you want to keep your baby, please know that in six short years your youngest will be in kindergarten and you will again have the time to pursue your dreams. Please follow the advice here about seeking assistance. Please know that ALL MOTHERS shelf many of their own dreams while raising young children (whether personal, professional, artisitc or otherwise) but realize that it is only temporary and that the reward of a child’s love is far worth it.

    If in your heart you know you can not provide your baby with the love that she deserves (and that she will so purely give to anyone who loves her back), please find someone worthy of that love and do your best to honor your choice and do everything possible to make your dreams come true for yourself and your other two children.

    Good luck.

    Anonymous August 25, 2008 at 12:56 pm

    Pease read that post. Especially the last paragraph.

    http://www.sams-stories.com/2008/06/i-did-not-know.html

    kidsandcrittersinwyoming August 25, 2008 at 9:30 pm

    Marie,
    As the adoptive mother of a little girl, I would like to suggest something. It’s possible the other family backing out wasn’t a sign you’d made the wrong decision regarding your Beaner, but perhaps it was a sign that wasn’t the RIGHT family for Beaner.

    I am not an overly religious person, I have tried to be since our adoption for reasons I won’t go in to here, but it just doesn’t work for me. What I will say is, when dealing with adoption I firmly believe there is a higher power involved. Time after time I look at my daughter who fell in to our lap out of nowhere and think “who was pushing this along?” She came when we needed her the most, but when we weren’t looking for her, when she needed us the most but we didn’t know she existed.

    I believe after hearing several stories like ours, that there is some kind of “higher power” that places the choices in our path when it comes to adoptions and places the right path there in front of us to take or not to take. In my case I felt VERY strongly it was a step I HAD to take and her birth mother has said the same.

    In your case maybe that higher power is saying “take a step back, breathe, think of what you want for you and Beaner and be sure” and maybe, just maybe that same higher power knew Beaner belonged with another family or even with you. It’s hard to know which, but I would look at it not as a “stumbling block” or “obstacle” but a chance to find that right path that you may not have known wasn’t right in front of you the whole time.

    Satsuki Rebel August 25, 2008 at 10:49 pm

    I was singlehomeless when I found out that I was pregnant. I also suffered (things are better now) from severe depression. Adoption was mentioned a few times. I never doubted that I would be the best mother for my child. I moved in with a close friend. A week later her house was hit by lightning while we were inside it. It burned in front of us.

    Since then I have managed to get a nice 2 bedroom apt on my own and enroll in college. My daughter is the best thing that ever happened to me. I don’t know what’s best for you but I can honestly say that no one knows what can happen. If you don’t want to stay in that town then leave. I left her father by choice when he changed how he felt towards me. I moved 60-70 miles away. I’ve moved approx 16 times and I’m still only 22.

    If your heart wants your baby then there are support systems out there which can help you keep her. If you need more information about these and would like me to check around for you, you can email me at satsukirebel@hotmail.com. I’ll add you to my prayers.

    Anonymous August 26, 2008 at 1:28 am

    Marie~ if drugs are involved, please get help. I’m sure anyone at the hospital would know exactly what assistance you need. Your kids deserve it, and so do you.

    RainyPM August 26, 2008 at 6:41 pm

    Marie, I’ve been thinking about your story for days now. I’m so sorry that your family is choosing to hurt you instead of help you. I’m sure they’re worried about your children and maybe they feel like you won’t let them help?

    I can’t tell from your words what you really want. But you did say that if you keep this 3rd baby you will be sacrificing the lives of your other 2 kids. Those words chill me. Please don’t sacrifice any of their lives.

    I live in Virginia, near the Shenandoah mountains. If that’s near you please email me and I will help you. ellisa@nocturne.org

    I know a wonderful family near Denver and my sister is near St. Louis. Please contact me if we can give you moral or emotional support.

    Please get help somewhere. Your children don’t need to suffer. There are so many people that will help you if they know you need it.

    You aren’t alone! We love you Marie.

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