Beaner

August 22, 2008

And then, there was this:

wow, you don’t understand what your post really did for me today… I am right now in the middle of an adoption plan gone wrong… i have so many emotions going through my mind… Its hard for me to look at her sometimes because I know what I should do, but why can’t I do it?! …just got word the adoptive couple just wants to back out completely… is this a sign? do I keep my baby girl even though if I do I will be sacrificing the lives of all my children… this baby is #3… I would love to have your opinion… please…

Her name is Marie. When I saw her comment, the other day, I stood up from my chair, closed my computer and walked away. I walked into the room where my baby was sleeping, and sat down on the floor with my knees curled up against my chest, my arms wrapped around my legs, my heart pounding. I didn’t cry. I was cried out already, from having written that post, from having taken that story that I’ve been carrying for days and bringing it to life, from having made public my pledge to do this remarkable, difficult thing. To find my brother.

If I wanted to make this story more poetic, I would say this: that I stood up and looked at my baby – my precious baby boy, this boy that I could no more give up than carve out my own heart – and, overwhelmed by my love for him, made my mind up to help Marie at once. But that’s not what happened. I stood up, and took extra care to not look at my boy – for fear that I would be reduced to a sodden mess of tears – and went back to my computer. I opened it up and logged on to Twitter and prattled something about could anyone, anyone please go respond to this comment please please I just can’t and then I went and ate some cake.

Then I went back to my computer and posted a response to Marie: Please, Marie. E-mail me.

And she did.

I found your blog one day just browsing and you are amazing… It was so ironic to find your story and here I am going through this… I haven’t made a decision yet… I haven’t even named my baby yet, she’s been with me since monday and all I can call her is Beaner, what I called her when she was in my belly… I’m really confused, I don’t know what to do….. She’s not my only child, this is kinda a big mess…

I started my adoption plan 2 months ago, I told my family… they are not happy.. I live in a shithole little town that sucks the people in and i don’t want to be one of them… My family threatened to take my 2 older kids 2&4 away if I placed this baby… I went into labor early, I had her on July 23 and she wasn’t due until Sept 3. After my mom drove me to the hospital where I gave birth alone, I got a summons that afternoon stating my parents were granted temp custody of my 2 other kids because I abandoned them…

I picked a family and because of all this drama, they backed out and now I’m left with deciding do I try to get to know another family as fast as I can? Or do I take it as a sign and keep my baby… I’m just afraid of the life I’m destined to have w/ my kids in this shit hole town if I do… If I place her in an open adoption, I can still see her grow and be happy…And then I can move out of shitville with my kids and away from my family….

I don’t know…

I wanted to say to her, keep your baby. Keep your beaner, please. But how could I say that, when I didn’t know that would be the best thing, the right thing? My own heart is bruised and sore, struggling to come to terms with my mother’s loss, with my own loss, a loss that I had never known, a loss that might have been for the best, who knows? I didn’t know. I don’t know.

I’m not the best person to turn to on matters concerning the heart, right now.

I said this:

Oh, Marie.

I wish I knew what to tell you. All I can think is, you haven’t said what you *want* – what do you want most? It’s so hard to predict or know what the best path is – but what one do you *want* to take? Do you want to keep your beaner? Can you get out of your town with all three kids? Or do you really think – and this might be true – that beaner’s best shot at a good life is with another family? SO HARD.

I wish that I could do more to help, other than say things like ‘follow your heart’…

It’s not necessarily true that her heart will guide her to the best decision. I know that. Maybe the heart should be left out of decisions like this. I know that my mom tried to put her heart aside, or part of it. It was why she didn’t hold her own beaner. She was afraid that she would never let him go, and that that would be the wrong thing for him. That it would not be the best thing, that she would get carried away by her own selfishness, that she would give in to the selfish thrum of her heart and keep her boy. Her heart was divided against itself: do what was best for her heart – keep her child – and do what she believed was best for his heart – give him to a family that could give him everything she couldn’t.

She did what she believed was best for him. But it broke her heart. The cracks have never gone away. And now here I am, her daughter, her love, suffering for knowing that those cracks existed, that I could never fill them, for the fact that I never knew they were there.

But this isn’t about me.

I don’t know what to tell you, I told Marie. Can we ask some others for help?

Yes, she said. Please.

my heart wants to keep my beaner but my mind says i cant… i don’t think i have asked my self what my heart wants… i need all the advice i can get. this just hurts so much i love all my kids so much and i just want the best for them.

please.

I can’t, we can’t, tell Marie what to do. We can’t know what the best thing is to do, anymore than I can know what the best thing would have been for my mom and for my brother. All we can do is hope and pray that they find – that they have found – some path to happiness.

And we can hold her hand while she finds her way. Please, any words of support you can offer… so many moms never get to have this kind of support. My mom didn’t. Offer it to Marie, and to all the moms that do and ever did need it.

********

To all of you who have been sending links and tips and stories: thank you. I love you. I just do.

And? That thing that I said we were going to do? We’re still doing it. Next week, if I can stay on top of everything. Info here.

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    { 85 comments }

    Mandi August 22, 2008 at 1:16 pm

    My mother gave my brother and I to my parents when I was 10 and he was 6. Her life was (and is) a mess and she knew it. My parents were her parents and we’ve grown up in a community filled with old retirees. I’m almost finished with my last set set of college courses and I can honestly say that I am glad she made the choice she did. While I did not have much of a childhood (I spent my time looking after my brother), my life post-adoption has been a blessing. Now as my parents are approaching and in their 70′s, I get to give back by helping to take care of them.

    While open adoptions can be confusing socially while growing up, it is easier knowing who your biological parents are. I talk to both several times a month and I am happy to know where my roots are. One can never have enough people to love them.

    Anonymous August 22, 2008 at 1:17 pm

    What drama for your morning!!! How in the world are you dealing with Marie and Beaner(God be with them), your own broken heart(God be with all of you too), and still have the time to ask me if you can repost my answer to consumed??? Your probably changing a diaper, answering the phone and thinking the laundry needs to be switched and the dishes done too aren’t you. What would the world do w/out us Moms to get everything dealt with. Please go get a cup of tea, put your feet up.(I know, as soon as you switch the laundry, right?) You ROCK girlfriend. Have a great weekend and good luck with your search. ~;-)

    THopgood August 22, 2008 at 1:22 pm

    I’m a wreck. A weepy wreck. This story touches me on so many levels that I can’t discuss or write about for personal reasons.

    I wish I knew what to say to help. I wish there was an answer. An answer that provided a happy ending for all parties involved. But there’s not.

    All I can say is….

    I have a cousin that adopted a gorgeous little girl 3 1/2 years ago. It was an open adoption. That little girl has 3 biological siblings. And although there were some stressful times for them they have found the open adoption to be a win/win situation. Their daughter will always know her siblings and will never wonder who her biological parents were.

    Jenn August 22, 2008 at 1:24 pm

    Wow, wow, wow. I wish I could give some advice. I am a mom to two children. Both were adopted. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of their birth mothers and their sacrifice and how they must feel.
    I wish I could give advice to Marie. I can’t imagine how she must feel. (Great, now I am rambling…) While I can’t offer a solution, I will offer all of the prayers and thoughts I can for her.

    Michelle August 22, 2008 at 1:32 pm

    Just when I thought I could not weep any more.

    I will offer Marie and Beaner prayers and hopes for the guidance to make the right decision for them.

    Domestic Extraordinaire August 22, 2008 at 1:35 pm

    Does Marie have her other 2 children back? It saddens me to hear that grandparents were awarded custody because she left them due to preterm labor. That totally stinks. I was faced with this choice when my older daughter was born. We decided to keep her as I know that I would have never been able to give her up. Times were tough but we all made it through. I just want Marie to know that I am praying for her and that she is able to come to a decision soon.

    Aimee Greeblemonkey August 22, 2008 at 1:37 pm

    wow, I started crying because out best friends are desperately trying to adopt and having the hardest time.

    But you are right, only Marie knows what is right for her and I do hope she find the right path for her.

    best,
    aimee

    caramama August 22, 2008 at 1:37 pm

    I don’t have anything much to contribute except for support and well wishes. I hope that Marie is able to find the right path for her and for all her children, even if those paths are different.

    I did want to say that I think we live in a great time because open adoption is more common and acceptable. If you do go the adoption route, I have heard wonderful things about how open adoptions can work.

    If you choose to keep your baby, I wonder if you can get some sort of assistance for you and the children to help you get out of that town. I don’t know what kind of assistance, but maybe someone else does?

    fairytalesandmargaritas August 22, 2008 at 1:38 pm

    All I can add are my own experiences. My mother got pregnant with me when she was 19. She still lived at home and it was her first time having sex. She didn’t know what to do. In the end she kept me and five years later married my father and had two more children. I didn’t even know the whole story until I was 19. But, I am SO glad that she kept me. I still have tons of unanswered questions about my birth father and if I had questions about my mother too it might be too much for me to bear.

    Fast forward and I got pregnant at 19. Never for one minute did I doubt that I’d keep the child. I might have had to rely on public assistance, I had to put college on hold, I had to give up my life completely. But, I kept her and a few years later married and have had 3 other children. I can’t imagine what it would’ve been like to always know she was “out there”.

    I also work in the court that deals with CPS removing kids. As long as you work the case plan and don’t do drugs, you will get your children back. No matter what your parents say. Even if they are great at taking care of them, YOU are their mother and as long as you have a place for them to live (even if it’s government subsidized) and food on the table (even from food stamps) and don’t beat them they will give them back to you. And they’ll help you with the new one. They’ll give you resources and referrals to programs that will help you. They’ll help you get on your feet, get a job, get an education, all of that.

    If that’s what YOU want. There are also tons of families wanting to adopt out there. And they would thank you every day for giving them the child they so desperately want.

    In the end, the decision is your. Good luck to you. I’ll be praying for you.

    slouching mom August 22, 2008 at 1:43 pm

    Marie,

    I think HBM was onto something when she asked you what your heart wanted.

    This will sound incredibly basic: Take a piece of paper. List the pros and cons of keeping her vs. not. Side by side like that, they can be very revealing. Only these must be YOUR pros and cons. Not your parents’. Not Beaner’s. Not your two older kids’.

    See what you come up with.

    Much support coming your way.

    Little Monkies August 22, 2008 at 1:44 pm

    My father was the 5th of 5 children. The records that we have from the adoption agency showed that his father was an alcoholic and his mother, I can only surmise, must have been overwhelmed.

    My father was always proud of the fact that he was adopted (as was his sister and later my brother) and appreciated the opportunity his mother gave him until the day he died. He had a pretty great life, all told, and turned out to be a strong philanthropist because he believed he’d been given a chance to make a difference in the lives of others as well. A huge sacrifice on his mother’s part, no doubt, but one that I am sure she made with great thought and deliberation.

    Vicki August 22, 2008 at 1:44 pm

    I have twin boys born under trying circumstances. I understand the need to provide them with the best home possible. You can still do that even with very little money. All you have to do is seek assistance from anywhere you can get it. Go to your local social services and get all the help they can offer you. And never once look back because if you can put food in their bellies, a roof over their heads, and clothes on their backs, no matter how they get there, you do it. If you love this baby as much as I feel you do, I would do whatever I could to provide the best home possible for this baby. You can do it. You just have to be willing to accept help. And never give up.

    Major Bedhead August 22, 2008 at 1:47 pm

    Oh boy.

    I was in that position when I was 21. I was this close to giving my son up for adoption. For three days, I snuggled him in the hospital and walking his little bassinet down the hallway that last time, before I was discharged, was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.

    I spent two weeks going back and forth about it and crying buckets of tears. In the end, I decided I couldn’t do it and I brought him home.

    I don’t regret the decision. It made my life take a very different path, but in the end, it was the right one for me.

    I think slouching mom has a terrific idea with the list. It’s basically what I did when trying to decide what to do.

    I wish you peace in your heart, whatever decision you make.

    Val August 22, 2008 at 1:47 pm

    I have been a reader for a while….more of a lurker I guess.

    But, I had to comment.

    How heartbreaking for her. Her own family trying to take her other children in the meantime. Awful. Why won’t anyone help her. She is a single mom (I guess)who just needs a little jump start to life.
    Oh, God. The mother in me wants to take her and her children in my home. Help her get on her feet…able to take care of her children. This woman WANTS help, but yet can’t find it.
    How awful. I wish there was a way to help her out, really.

    heather.pnr August 22, 2008 at 1:48 pm

    Marie, what you’re going through sounds so difficult. I wish there were easy answers.

    One resource I can offer is Backline. The Backline advocates who work the talkline are trained to provide a safe, bias-free place for women to process emotions, ask questions and work through decisions like the ones you’re facing. Their number is 1-888-493-0092.

    Don Mills Diva August 22, 2008 at 1:50 pm

    I have no advice Marie – I just want you to know that I am not just some internet bot – I am a person and your story has touched me and I care about you and Beaner..

    Leann I Am August 22, 2008 at 1:53 pm

    Awesome story. I just hope it has a happy ending…event though there is no way of knowing how it will all happen. If only her family gave her more support…

    Thanks for sharing this story. There are so many people out there with stories like this. Thanks for opening our eyes.

    Andrea August 22, 2008 at 1:53 pm

    Sheesh. I’m sitting here at work and my heart is in my throat. Your last two posts really struck a chord with me.

    My parents adopted me when I was one month old (I am 24 now), and my older sister is adopted as well.

    It was not an open adoption. I have never met or spoken to my birth parents. The only information that I have fits on an 8×11 sheet of paper. It’s something I rarely think about because this is my family. Blood-related or not, they are my Mom and Dad and they are the people who raised me. They are amazing people who I can’t imagine life without. I am blessed. My birth parents were not in a place in their lives where they felt they could have a child, and I feel like I was placed with a purpose where I am right now. It’s what my life is supposed to be, I am certain.

    Still, I think about, somewhere out there, my birth mother and father. Do they think about me? Do they want to meet me? Do they wish they have never given me up? Have they shut me out of their minds forever? Do I have brothers and sisters somewhere out there? Am I crazy for not looking? It’s a whole box of emotions that I am not prepared to open.

    I can’t imagine the inner turmoil my birth mother felt when she had to give me up. It’s hard to place myself in those shoes. So, I can’t really give advice. Although I support adoption 100 percent, I would never tell someone what to do. But I do know, whatever Marie chooses, it will be somehow be right. Neither choice can be easy…but whatever her heart and mind directs her towards will end up being what is supposed to happen.

    Liz August 22, 2008 at 2:00 pm

    Dear Marie,
    Such a huge decision to make, with what sounds like very little support. I hope that knowing all of us are supporting you in our hearts will make a difference for you.

    I am in the process of adopting, and I just want to let you know that I am so very grateful to you for sharing your story so I can understand a tiny little bit of the difficult decision my future child’s birth family will have to make. I don’t ever want to take that decision for granted, and will think of you to make sure I don’t.

    Only you can make this decision, but please know that whatever decision you make will be the right one. The only thing any of us can do for our children is to do the best that we can with the tools and the information that we have at the time, and then trust that everything will turn out exactly as it is supposed to turn out. I hope you can make your decision and then be at peace with what you have chosen.

    Pgoodness August 22, 2008 at 2:14 pm

    I could have written Andrea’s post word for word (except I’m not so much 24 anymore, and I was adopted at 2 weeks old).

    I wish Marie’s family could see what she is going through – instead of taking her kids away, it would be nice to see them HELPING her!

    Marie, I hope you can come to some sort of decision and get through this horrible time. Whatever you decide, trust yourself, trust your instincts. You know, deep down, what is best for you AND your children. Good luck.

    Kyla August 22, 2008 at 2:18 pm

    Oh Marie. You know, the heart is already involved at this point, it has already beheld your little Beaner and felt her heartbeat in return, you’re going to have to ask the heart’s opinion now. I know most of the time, these decisions are easier if left to logic, but once the heart is roped in, it has to be part of the decision. No one knows the right answer here, it is up to you and your heart and mind will have to come to a resolution somehow.

    I hope you find peace with your decision, whatever it is. Hugs to you. Thanks for sharing your story with us all.

    marymurtz August 22, 2008 at 2:19 pm

    Marie,
    I am an adoptive mother; I also have friends who have placed children for adoption, and friends who have open adoptions. I know people who were adopted and found their birth families. There are millions of different scenarios and ways this can spin out.

    I can only offer you my perspective: my daughter is treasured beyond belief, and we think about and pray for her birth mother every single day. Our daughter knows she is adopted, and has remembered Miss L in her prayers every night since she was 3.

    There are families out there who will maintain a link with you if you choose that route. And there are resources for you if you choose to raise this baby. If your family of origin is not supportive, you have to ask yourself how many battles you have the strength to fight, and find help in fighting for your children.

    It is a huge responsibility, no matter what decision you make. Nobody can make that decision but you. Know you are in our prayers.
    Mary

    Mommy Melee August 22, 2008 at 2:22 pm

    I can’t even begin to offer advice to you other than this: Take advantage of the free services/counseling available to you. I’m not talking about services and counseling offered through private or church organizations, but what our government offers. Most states have outreach programs with counseling, evaluations, etc. You don’t have to be alone in this, and in raising your other children.

    Not sure why on earth your parents would go out of their way to try to take your children away from you, but I hope that this situation also rights itself somehow. From what I’m reading here it feels so plain and honest that you love them with all your heart.

    Bridge August 22, 2008 at 2:23 pm

    Oh, Marie.
    I call my youngest brother Beaner. And I have no advice for you. Only this prayer – May God guide you and guard your heart. May He wrap you and all your children up in His arms. May He show you clearly the best path to walk. The very best for you. The very best for Beaner. The very best for your other kids. And may He bring peace and joy and reconciliation to your entire family. And may it begin today.

    Sam August 22, 2008 at 2:25 pm

    I think this link can say more than I can in a single comment.

    http://www.sams-stories.com/2008/06/i-did-not-know.html

    Immoral Matriarch August 22, 2008 at 2:27 pm

    I have no advice, as the closest I’ve come to her plight is deciding not to abort my second [life is harder, now that I'm alone, but I cannot imagine the alternative now].

    I do have hugs though. So -
    ((((((Marie)))))))))

    Be strong woman, and take solace in that whatever decision you make will most definitely be second guessed forever, but will also most definitely be the right one.

    You’re in my thoughts.

    Lara August 22, 2008 at 2:49 pm

    Ahhh, Marie. Quite a hand you’ve been dealt here. I’d recommend calling the nearest large town’s hospital. Ask for a social worker who works w/the ob/gyn ward or w/pediatrics. He/she should be able to provide you w/some additional social service resources. Also, are there churches, mosques, or synagogues you can visit who may have helpful clergy men/women to talk with? Perhaps that is a possibility, too.
    I feel for you so much and wish you all the luck in the world as you ponder your options.

    Carrisa August 22, 2008 at 3:00 pm

    Oh Marie. My heart goes out to you. As someone who is struggling with fertility over here, I want nothing more than to jump up and down and say “pick me! pick me!”. Then I think about it and how gut wrenching it must be to even have to make a decision like this in the first place. My heart goes out to you and your family. And for the sake of your kids, I hope they can all stay together. However, it is not my place to say what you should do. I only hope that if you do decide to give your little beaner up for adoption that she gets a home that will love her as much as she deserves to be loved.

    Swistle August 22, 2008 at 3:06 pm

    You’re so right that we can’t tell her what to do. There is no way to tell her what to do or to even guess at what would be best. Reading the letter, though, my impulse was to say to her, “Keep her! Keep her! You want her, so keep her! Your family wants her, so sit down and work out a way they can help you keep her instead of working against you!”

    Elizabeth Joy August 22, 2008 at 3:20 pm

    Oh Marie,

    What an incredibly strong woman you are, to be dealing with all you’re dealing with, and wanting to do what’s absolutely best for your children. There’s no way your parents should be allowed to take your children from you. That’s absolutely horrible of them, since this is NOT their decision, it’s yours.

    All I can tell you is that if you do decide you can’t keep your baby there are so many people out there who are just looking to give their heart to a child, who will adore her with all their hearts and give her an incredible life, while allowing you to see her grow up into a happy and healthy young woman.

    My husband and I started the adoption process awhile ago, trying to adopt internationally, and after signing up with 3 different countries, all of them shut down for adoption. Now that our most recent attempt to adopt from Vietnam is almost definitely not going to happen, we feel like we’re almost out of options. We’ll be looking into adopting from the US, but our hearts have been broken so many times that we’re beginning to lose hope. I know there are many other families out there in the very same boat, who have the money and love and stable home that will allow them to give the world to a baby, but who haven’t been able to conceive themselves. I just want to say that if you do decide to look for an adoptive family, your baby will be so well taken care of, and will know how very much you loved her, and all the sacrifices you made to give her the very best life.

    A super-big hug to you…

    Elizabeth

    mamatulip August 22, 2008 at 3:26 pm

    Oh, Marie…I really don’t know what to say, except to follow your heart, and know that there are many of us here behind the screens who are sending you strength, myself included.

    June August 22, 2008 at 3:26 pm

    Marie, I have no advise to give but only prayers for your difficult decision. I’ve never been able to have children and the few times that my husband and I have tried to adopt, the mother has chosen to keep the child. As much as it hurt at the time to not be able to adopt, I respect the decision those mothers made. You have to do what’s right for you.

    Lisa V August 22, 2008 at 3:31 pm

    Marie

    I commented on the last post. There is a large adoption community out there. There are birth moms who regret their decision, there are birth moms who are at peace with their decision. I would be happy to give you email addresses and blogs of both.

    I also have a number of contacts with people in open adoption.

    I am an adoptive mother of two through open adoption. Open adoption has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. But that doesn’t mean it’s right for everyone.

    This is such a huge decision.

    Visit openadoptionsupport.com, tell them your problems and my guess is you will get a lot of support either direction from people who have been there.

    Luck to you, and peace no matter what you decide.

    toyfoto August 22, 2008 at 3:34 pm

    All I can say is I wish you could get out; take your kids and go somewhere with hope. Adopting out a child you think you can’t care for is one of the most selfless things a mother can do. And it’s one of the hardest.

    Whatever decision you make, I wish you the best. I hope you can be at peace. What many have said here is true: Many will be thinking of you tonight and for many tomorrows, hoping and wishing the best for you.

    Schmutzie August 22, 2008 at 3:52 pm
    Marti August 22, 2008 at 5:02 pm

    I am without words, but I will try to type this (while at work) without breaking down into tears.
    Motherhood is hard. The end. As a single mother, I feel for Marie. I feel down to my toes. Sometimes life does not offer clear cut easy choices. I agree with HBM (who rocks my socks off, by the way) when she said to listen to her heart. Children do not remember how much money was in the bank, or how extravagant their birthdays were, or how many Christmas presents they get, they only remember that they were LOVED and KISSED and HELD and TAKEN CARE OF. Children have basic needs – feed them, clothe them, shelter them, and love them. Anything else is icing on the cake. Marie, you’re not alone, there is help. You’re in my thought and prayers.

    reneedesigns August 22, 2008 at 5:20 pm

    Marie I don’t even know what to say. My heart aches for you and what you are going through.

    I am an adoptive mother (of a girl from China) and every day I thank a woman whom I’ve never met and never will meet for making that incredibly difficult decision.

    Just find a support system, someone who can help you make the decision that is right for you and your baby. You will be in my thoughts.

    Just Jinny August 22, 2008 at 5:29 pm

    I would love to adopt someday. My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for over seven years now. I don’t know if it will ever happen for us.

    So, I hope that someday we will be able to adopt a sweet baby.

    Angelle August 22, 2008 at 6:05 pm

    You need to find a social worker who will connect you with the proper social services.

    Your baby needs his mother not a substitute. There are resources out there to help you. Adoption is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

    Check out this site:

    http://www.birthmothers.info/

    The lifelong pain you will suffer is worse than what you are dealing with right now. I speak form experience.

    Katrina August 22, 2008 at 6:25 pm

    Sending you an email…

    Erin August 22, 2008 at 6:39 pm

    I wish there was something that I could do that would ease your burden. I hope with all my heart that you’re able to find assistance and support for whichever decision you make.

    My only advice, like Catherine, would be that you follow your heart. Don’t let anyone else force your hand in this decision. She is your baby, and whether to keep her or give her to a loving adoptive family is your choice.

    Sugar August 22, 2008 at 6:45 pm

    Wow… the timing of this is all so crazy… makes me wonder why it is that you came across that post in the middle of all of this. Amazing.

    I am so sorry that your parents felt it necessary to heap hurt on top of the hurt you were already feeling. They are the ones that are behaving selfishly at this point.

    As for your baby, God, I wish you could safely get away with all of them and know that it will all be okay. Wouldn’t it be so awesome if you had a safe place to land and to nurture your kids until you could get on your feet? I’m praying that something like that happens for you, Marie.

    Mandy August 22, 2008 at 7:19 pm

    Marie, I have no advice, just a story.

    My best friend (now 35) gave up her 6 month old boy to an open adoption when she was 17 years old. She decided eventually that she could have neither the future she wanted nor give him the future he deserved at that young age. (She did not have much parental support.) It was the hardest thing she says she’s ever done in her life. Who knows if it was the *right* decision? But she believes that she did the best thing she could at the time.

    I hope that you will be able to figure out what you want… what is the best thing for you and your children at this time. Because that’s all we can ever hope, to do what we genuinely think is the best thing.

    carrie August 22, 2008 at 8:20 pm

    I don’t know what to say that others haven’t already, other than you are not the only one who has had to make this incredibly difficult decision – knowing that we’re all pulling for you (NO MATTER WHAT YOU DECIDE), I hope offers what little bit of comfort that it can.

    You can do it. You can make it through, no matter what you decide is best for your Beaner – don’t be afraid to seek out the help you might need. It’s there, for both of you.

    Much, much love and support.

    Carrie

    Anonymous August 22, 2008 at 9:09 pm

    ((Marie & Beaner)),

    My brother came to us by adoption. His BM was very young and his BF was an illegal alien. He was the best gift our family EVER received. He was placed at birth…with my Aunt and Uncle. When Josh was 6 months old and I was 14, *I* was placed with my Aunt and Uncle (my Mother was unable to take care of me).

    After many years I finally had a family. A home. Supervision and stability. Josh is now 25 and I turn 40 next week. I am his sister. He is my brother.

    I know in your heart, lies the answer. Beaner will grow up knowing she has a wonderful Mother–either way.

    Many Blessings,

    Martie of

    http://uncontainedchaos.blogspot.com

    Manic Mommy August 22, 2008 at 9:16 pm

    I can’t help but think that the two of you were put together at this time for a higher purpose.

    I wish I knew what it was. And I wish I had the right answer to give.

    Good thoughts to you both on your roads. And especially for little Beaner.

    Redneck Mommy August 22, 2008 at 9:22 pm

    Marie,

    I just wanted to offer you my support and prayers. I don’t know what is right for you or your child.

    But as a hopeful adoptive parent, waiting endlessly to find a child to call her own, I can tell you with out reservation, there are families out there DESPERATE to love a child.

    And there is no greater gift of love you can give, than give someone your child.

    But that is such a huge gift, and such a burden on your soul. Make sure this is what YOU want. Trust yourself.

    And know that whatever decision you make, it is absolutely the right one for you and your family.

    I wish you peace. And unending love. Thank you for sharing your tender story with us. You are a very brave and strong woman.

    I admire you tremendously.

    browerfamilyof5 August 22, 2008 at 10:13 pm

    My heart goes out to Marie, whoever she is.
    And to you, HBM… I hope you find your brother, and I hope you mother finds the peace she needs. She sounds like a remarkable woman.

    Anonymous August 22, 2008 at 10:25 pm

    What she wants isn’t relevant. It’s what’s best for the child.

    Adopted, the child will be loved, cherished, and have every advantage that she is unable to give him.

    Give the kid a shot at life outside of your lousey town.

    Serial Mommy August 22, 2008 at 10:52 pm

    i’ll try to make my story short, but there is little sweet to it, sadly..i had my oldest daughter when i was 17, a senior in high school..her father and i dated the previous year, he was a senior, i was a junior…i was NOT liked by his family, they were (still ARE) very hypocrictally devout christians (you know the type the spout the bible to your face and then throw the bible at your head when you walk away?)…when they found out i was pregnant, he disappeared from my life as much as they could make him…he graduated a couple of months after everyone was told and then i never saw him again for YEARS….i gave birth, my mom was there, i was homeless for a lot of time that summer, i was hell bent on keeping that baby, on “proving everyone wrong” about how i would fail miserably…guess, what, i failed miserably…there is no reason at all i should have been a parent at that age, i was a kid, a very selfish kid…i shudder when i think about the life i gave that girl…it continued on like that for a long time…when she was 6, she went to live with her father (he reappeared in her life as a regular feature after she was four and he had a college degree and a good job doing civillian contract work for the army)…i knew she would be taken care of, financially…as she got a little older, her father and his family kept making it harder for me to connect with her, to really have her in my life…the things that she was being told about me, taught about how horrible a person i was because of my lack of christianity should not have been shared with a child, no matter what…i ended contact with her when she was just over 8, i couldn’t put her through it any more…the guilt she was feeling for just loving me when she was constantly being bombarded with the message that i was “bad” and she shouldn’t…in october of 2005, i signed the papers that would allow her step mom to adopt her…she’ll be 14 this year, in november…i know she is loved, i know she is cared for..i hope one day she comes to me and asks what the hell went on, so i can talk to her, tell her what i felt…i still, to this day, feel that it was what was best for HER and that is all that matters, the best for the child…i think of my lovely girl, and i tear up, it’s not outright crying any more, not usually, on her birthday i am a grouch and i hide from everyone and everything…my heart hurts every day for the joy of her that i no longer have in my life…however, i HAD to be the adult and i HAD to do what was best for HER, i have 4 other children…only my oldest (who will be 11 in november) really remebers her..and she’s trying to get in to contact with that girl that is no longer a part of my life…i dream of the day she’ll show up at my door…i don’t know what i’ll say, or what she’ll say, but i just want to see her face again…and that will always be with me…the point of all of this is this..you have to do what is best for your child, for your children…you are the parent, and no matter how much of you it rips out, you HAVE to do what is best for THEM…you are just a bit player, and they need to you do think of them and do for them until they become adults themselves…prayers and blessings marie…you know what you need to do, you just need to have the courage to do it…so please, take this story, and do what needs to be done…

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