I’m not a religious person, but my son’s death, and the need to explain it to my oldest daughter who was 4 at the time, helped me understand that I am still deeply spiritual. By finding a way to explain the concept of death to my child I came to an importnat understanding of my belief system, that I’d never articulated until then.

We have to make sure we can stand behind what we say to our kids. I didn’t want to use words like “heaven” and “Jesus”, since I didn’t have the faith to back those concepts up.

I told her that every one has a unique energy or spirit that comes into being when they’re born. When that person dies that energy doesn’t leave the world, it just isn’t available directly through that person any more. Part of that energy enters us, but we can also look for it in other places and things that remind us of that person.

I told her that I always feel my mother’s energy when I see beautiful trees and flowers, since my Mom loved these things so much. Her energy is acting within me a when I admire the colours of the leaves in the fall.

We talked about the ways we’d be able to feel her brother’s spirit. How we carry his spirit within us and see him in the little birds that come in November (the month that he died).

I realize that my choice of words could have misconstrued my intent when I made a statement regarding our loss and the impact on my girls’ daily lives . . . it’s not to say that the loss of your father does not affect your daughters’ daily life, I was more referring to the physical loss of my husbands’ presence in the house – his cooking, giving them baths, reading stories, playing, etc. – every day ‘daddy’ stuff, now being gone. I hope that I didn’t offend . . .

I’m also not implying that my eldest ‘gets it’ completely either – she has her moments too, as do I, and anyone suffering a great loss.

Finally, I’ve read ‘Death is of Vital Importance’ by Elizabeth Kubler Ross and am now reading Grief and Grieving, both of which I have found helpful in dealing with my loss and understanding of death.

Take care,
~Chelsea
.-= Chelsea´s last blog ..Argh =-.

I lost my husband, and the father of my two beautiful little girls (ages 4 & 2) almost 7 months ago. I’m amazed at how much they seem to grasp (the older one at least) – perhaps because it has had such an extreme effect on their daily lives – I’m not sure.

There have been many great responses here, I’m not sure what I can add – but, though it has nothing really to do with religious beliefs (mine, like many others here are not so easily defined), I’ve avoided the concept of heaven, just because I feel it makes it seem like a ‘place’ and as such, somewhere that could be ‘visited’. It also feels too far removed for me personally. Too distant. I like to think of Elias as being closer to us. We always talk about how Daddy is all around us. His love. His spirit/soul. We talk, as others have shared, that his body stopped working (yes, staying away from the ‘sleep’ idea is good, and I try to be careful explaining how Daddy was ‘sick’ {he had cancer} because I don’t want her to think I’ll die if I get a cold, for example), but he lives in our hearts now and any time we want to talk to him, he’s listening, watching over us – and if you listen with your heart, you can feel his love.

My daughter often talks about how she sees his face on the moon, or she sees him in a dragonfly, bird, etc. This could be because of my ramblings about a certain butterfly that was a constant visitor to us this summer. . . . but she gets excited with the concept and that makes me feel comfortable with it. I find her questions about cancer to be the most difficult to answer, but as with the issue of death, it seems keeping it as honest as you can, short, and as simple as you can is best. Nothing wrong with saying you don’t know, and nothing wrong with wondering along with them either. You may need to be prepared that it will come up again and again as children process things different ways at different stages in their lives (so I have been told, and have experienced to some degree thus far).

And, as I have found for myself, in those deep moments of grief, as there is nothing to say to ‘make it better’, giving them a comfortable environment to express their grief is the best we can do for them, and for ourselves. Sorry for the lengthy reply – I’m a pretty ‘wordy’ person. . . .

Best of luck to you and yours,
~Chelsea

Your daughter drew a wonderful picture and I would think that is a part of her way of dealing with death and that she is expressing some view of a happy time after death.

Again, I am so sorry you lost your dad. I hope he is in such a wonderful place like the one your daughter draws!

You have made me think on this one. I am eager to see what the experts say!
.-= Brittany at Mommy Words´s last blog ..Potty Time with a Penis =-.

When my daughter (who is almost 4) asks about death (and she does), I just tell her that death is a part of life, that every thing that lives dies eventually and it’s nothing to be frightened of. When asked, I answer yes, one day we too will die, but hopefully not until we’ve had a long, long, happy time together, and if we’re lucky we’ll leave people that will have good memories of us and will miss us.

I’m trying very hard not to pass on my fear of death to her.

When my sister died, my parents unfortunately did none of that. They thought they were handling it the right way – not letting me go to the funeral, not crying in front of your mother… and it resulted in me hating Jesus and God (and a lot of therapy).

My son can grasp the concept of the body wearing out when you get get old and sick, but when babies/children die or parents, then he doesn’t get it at all.
.-= Alison´s last blog ..town mouse V country mouse =-.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YZTvDZHRFrU
.-= GreenInOC´s last blog ..If The Stupid Stupak Amendment Stays In H.R. 3962 Let’s Also Legislate Ejaculations =-.