We have a son who is 2.5 and is (mostly) a joy. He sleeps and eats like a champ, he’s smart and lovely and just generally wonderful. People are always telling us that we should have another. Don’t you just love people?

Back when my husband and I were discussing whether to have kids, we “decided” that we wanted none or two, not one. So we got started and had Kid #1…and neither one of us ever got the urge, desire, or “pull” to have Kid #2. I have tried to picture our family down the road, with another child, but that picture just won’t come to mind. I can only ever picture the three of us. For us, the old adage about just knowing when you are done having kids is 100% true.

I am so incredibly glad I found your blog, and so surprised that I haven’t before. I have a 10 month old named Jasper, and he surprised us by coming 2 months early, at 31 wks, 5 days. His birth was beautiful, but also terrifying, and the doctors who were there didn’t help.

My husband had a vasectomy, in part because of our experience and in part because Jasper was born with a form of thrombocytopenia, which would repeat in any subsequent births. We’re actually still dealing with it–we have an appointment with a new hematologist for him today. I recently wrote about the daughter we’re never going to have (http://www.casadekaloi.com/2010/01/this-bird-has-flown.html)..and..I don’t know. I understand where you are coming from.

I’m so glad to have found you.
.-= Stephanie´s last blog ..what we’re doing tomorrow =-.

So here goes. I have been pregnant four times but I only have 2 children. Each of them was a wanted child. The first pregnancy was the one that still makes me cry when I least expect it. I was 17 weeks pregnant – going for the big sonogram to find out if it was a boy or girl. We were so excited – out of the woods and into the second trimester. I’d stopped being sick. They said it was a good sign being so sick. We were completely unprepared for the “I’m so sorry.” It was a boy, and no one knows why he died.

My second pregnancy was our eldest daughter. She was conceived just before the first baby would have been born. I would have never met this amazing little girl – we just celebrated her 6th birthday today. She is so wonderful, and funny and awesome. I cannot imagine never meeting her. But I still mourn that little boy. Even though I couldn’t have had him and the goofball who sings Abba off-key.

My third pregnancy was pretty uneventful, although I started having really painful back spasms. After my second daughter was born, we weren’t sure what we wanted to do. We’d always talked about three. When she was 2, we decided to go for number three.

I got pregnant so fast the 4th time. We were overjoyed and cocky. The day before my first OB appointment, I miscarried. I was sad, but we could try again, right? Two weeks after the miscarriage, my back quit working. Three bulging discs, 12 months of hard core physical therapy, and a fleet of doctors telling me that another pregnancy wasn’t a good idea.

So I mourn that baby, too. The one who wasn’t even a sonogram picture, and the one who had countable arms and legs. But I also mourn the possibility of future children I am not going to have. That third child I am never going to have – a boy? a girl? And I imagine them – all three of them with my two girls – running around our house and making noise.

You’re not alone.