A Hysterical Pregnancy Is A Wish That A Desperate Uterus Makes

July 7, 2010

Last week, in a fit of confusion and something that tasted a little bit like desperation salted with hope, I wrote what follows. I didn’t publish it, of course, because even though I tend to be pretty confessional in this space, I am, at the end of the day, loathe to post anything that makes me look insane, or idiotic, or both:

I am convinced that I am pregnant. The thing is, I can’t possibly be pregnant. You see how this could be confusing.

I can’t be pregnant because my husband had a vasectomy. Sure, there have been cases where vasectomies have failed, but those are extremely rare. So rare, that when you google ‘vasectomy failure rates’ you come across eleventeen thousand variations on jokes with the punchline vasectomy failure — or did the postman ring twice, *nudge-nudge-wink-wink*?? Also, I’m old, at least within the context of fertility. Late maternal age and all that. Which is one of the reasons why we had the vasectomy, which involves snippage of the internal man parts, which is why it’s a pretty good bet, contraception-wise. So I can’t be pregnant.

But that’s not stopping me from feeling like I am.

I won’t go into detail, except to say this: I am experiencing, or have in recent days experienced, every single symptom of conception with which I am familiar. Every single one. I am currently laying on the sofa, nauseated and fatigued and heavy of bosom and if this were five years ago and I were still fertility tracking I’d have already scrawled THIS IS IT all over my FertilityFriend calendar. But it’s not five years ago. It’s not even a year and a half ago, which is to say, pre-vasectomy, which is where I’d need to be for this be possible. Right? So unless there’s been some tear in the fabric of space-time as it pertains to my fertility and my husband’s potency, I can’t be pregnant.

Except it really, really feels like I am, and that’s messing with my head. Have I conjured a hysterical pregnancy for myself, through the sheer force of ambivalently wishful thinking? (This, Wikipedia tells me – and I highly recommend turning to Wikipedia whenever you have a pressing question about your reproductive system, because, really, why not crowd-source your hysteria? – is usually the cause of any so-called ‘false’ pregnancy, if you take away the ‘ambivalent’ part.) Or do I have some fatal tropical illness, the symptoms of which mimic those of pregnancy, such that the sufferer undergoes the profound confusion that attends believing that one is pregnant after one has decided to make such a thing impossible before realizing, too late, that instead of carrying a baby she is carrying ovarian tapeworms or uterine tumors or alien spawn or a divinely conceived messiah, the latter of which I realize is not a tropical illness, per se, but still.

Or maybe I just have gas.

I know that I’m not pregnant. I can’t be. I know that. It’s as close to impossible as a thing can get before we start talking about unicorn rodeos and magic beanstalks that lead to cloud-kingdoms full of free shoes and cupcakes. It’s a fantasy. It’s not real.

So why am I wondering whether I might, just maybe, perhaps, wish that it was?

I took a pregnancy test after I wrote that. It mocked me with its single, dark pink line. It accused me with its single, dark pink line, that deep, bitter strip of color that dares you to question the purity of its perfect, unspoiled white bed. What are you looking for, it demanded, taunting me. Did you really think that you’d see two of me? Did you? Don’t you know that’s NOT POSSIBLE? It was practically shouting.

I stuck it back in its box and buried it in the trash. Then, three days later, I did it again.

Again, it shouted. Nothing to see here!

I got sick. Somewhere, in the deeply irrational part of my brain, I told myself that strep throat was a symptom of pregnancy. The other deeply irrational part of my brain nodded sagely, and accepted that reasoning. I refused antibiotics at the doctor. I didn’t tell him that it was because I might be pregnant. The small part of my brain that was still clinging to reason knew that that was impossible, and that I’d have to admit that it was impossible, and that the doctor would make a tiny notation on my file indicating that I was totally freaking insane.

I waited. My period was late. I waited some more. I told myself that if this were a narrative, a story – and lo! notice that it has become a narrative, here on this virtual page! – the twist would be that I wasn’t crazy, that this condition that once upon a time would have been called hysterical (from the Greek “hystera”, or uterus) – a Hippocratic disturbance of the uterus, an emotional upset issuing from my disrupted feminine desires – was in fact not that, not imagined, not hysterical, but, against all medical possibility, real. That I was, in fact, pregnant.

I am not pregnant. Real life stories don’t follow the same rules of rising action and dramatic resolution that do written stories. At the end of this story – and this is, indeed, the end – there is only me, and my confused uterus, and some bitter reflections on hysteria and desire. The evidence presented itself yesterday, and the story ended. Fin.

Did I want that baby, that imagined baby? Was that baby limned from the contours of my secret desires, my hidden hopes? Did I conceive that baby through an act of imagination that was driven by want? I don’t know. I do know that as I sat in the bathroom, amid the crumpled towels and the bath toys and the discarded tube of Dora toothpaste, the weight of the discovery – can I call it discovery, revelation, when it should have been so totally expected? – settled on me like chains and I wondered how I would be able to get up and move, knowing what I knew, knowing it beyond confusion and hope, knowing that my uterus, now, would only ever be disrupted by imagination, knowing that such a thing could only emanate from hysteria. Knowing that I could never have another baby, not this way.

I can’t say that I was sad, exactly. Disappointed, maybe? Perhaps not even that. I don’t know what I wanted. I know that pregnancy and childbirth has been difficult for me. I know that we are happy, we four, as four. But, but… I don’t know. I wanted it, a little bit? Maybe, I just wanted the story to unfold differently. More poetically. More fully.

I don’t know how I felt, how I feel. Resigned, I suppose.

This story ends here.

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    { 51 comments }

    Issa July 7, 2010 at 11:33 am

    Hmmm, this is a tricky one. I thought I was pregnant in October for three weeks. I wasn’t. But the symptoms were so real. I hoped I was. I hoped I wasn’t. It was weird.

    In the end though, it’s sort of sad, because just the thought of it makes you wonder what if.

    Hugs Catherine.
    .-= Issa´s last blog ..Picture postcard memories 6 =-.

    Carrie July 7, 2010 at 11:37 am

    I’ve felt like this before too – despite vasectomies and uterine ablation even because anything is possible, right?

    Sigh.

    Bodies are tricky.
    .-= Carrie´s last blog ..2 Lines Not 1 =-.

    Yahee July 7, 2010 at 11:38 am

    I too have been utterly convinced that I was pregnant… when in fact I was not. I do wish to have another baby, but am being held back by some inconvenient life circumstances right now. I realize that having a baby right now would not be perfect. However, I think my mind and body got together and thought “Hey, an accidental pregnancy can’t be helped and then there would be that wanted second baby… against all odds” blah blah blah. Anyway, I remember being relieved, and sad when I found out that I really, really wasn’t pregnant… after 2 at home preg tests, and a trip to the doc for a “real” test.

    I don’t think you’re insane… not for that at least (heh). I bet it happens to MANY woman who just don’t tell anyone.
    .-= Yahee´s last blog ..To be or not to be is that really the question =-.

    Catherine July 9, 2010 at 3:46 pm

    @Yahee, god, it’s so good to hear that I’m not alone. And not insane ;)
    .-= Catherine´s last blog ..A Little Heart Bursting Never Hurt Anyone =-.

    Gappy July 7, 2010 at 11:45 am

    I have managed to convince myself that I have been pregnant before when I was not. When you are desperately looking for the symptoms they suddenly magically appear. Don’t feel like your morning coffee much? Pregnant! Funny smell make you wrinkle your nose and feel a bit ick? Must be pregnant! Period start? Perhaps it’s just as implantation bleed….

    I think it’s pretty common when you really want a baby – most of my friends have had an “imagined” pregnancy. I wouldn’t be too concerned for your sanity if I were you.
    .-= Gappy´s last blog ..Gappy goes to London Cybermummy 2010 =-.

    Catherine July 9, 2010 at 3:47 pm

    @Gappy, funny, the whole thing started with what I thought HAD to have been implantation spotting. It had to be! It was TOTALLY like that! And right at the time it should happen! And then I bloated and got nauseous! I was CONVINCED.
    .-= Catherine´s last blog ..A Little Heart Bursting Never Hurt Anyone =-.

    Major Bedhead July 7, 2010 at 11:48 am

    I’ve done exactly what you described. Took pregnancy tests despite the husband’s vasectomy, felt all the symptoms, all of it. And I felt – yeah, not sad, exactly, but maybe wistful. Even though we were done having kids, could not afford more children, the teasing, tantalizing possibility still enthralled me briefly. I felt as thought I were holding my breath in those few days between “what if?” and “Definitely not.”
    .-= Major Bedhead´s last blog ..Their New Obsession… =-.

    Catherine July 9, 2010 at 3:48 pm

    Wistful. Yeah.
    .-= Catherine´s last blog ..A Little Heart Bursting Never Hurt Anyone =-.

    kgirl July 7, 2010 at 12:08 pm

    ‘What if’ can be an okay game to play as long as you’re cool with the ‘as if’ outcome. This kind of thing has happened to me twice in the two years since Chris’ vasectomy. And when I finally accepted that I could not possibly be pregnant, I became convinced that I had cancer. I didn’t, but that’s how I roll. Menopause will surely be one hell of a mindf*ck.
    .-= kgirl´s last blog ..The Circumcision Debate or Why I Can Finally Pull My Head Out of The Sand =-.

    Her Bad Mother July 7, 2010 at 3:52 pm

    I roll exactly that way, myself. I’ve only just gotten started on the Ovarian Cancer Hypothesis and the Demon Fibroids Speculation and the Peri-Menopause Terrors.

    Barnmaven July 7, 2010 at 12:09 pm

    The joys and mysteries of the feminine reproductive cycle and its associated hormones. You’re not insane, oh no. I’m convinced the female body has periodic “panic checks” wherein it releases the hormones of pregnancy, sans ovum, just to fuck with you and see how far you go with it. Its happened to me…I’m 44 and unless I’m the Holy Virgin for the 21st century, there’s no way in hell I could have been pregnant.
    .-= Barnmaven´s last blog ..The Less I Know =-.

    Chrissy July 7, 2010 at 1:11 pm

    For the entire year after my son (my one and only son) was born I felt phantom kicking in my uterus. Daily. I knew that in the initial 6 or so weeks after birth it was just my uterus going back into place, contacting and retracting, but after that it was gentle pushes, little hiccups, sighs, etc. I don’t have an explanation but it made me nostalgic and sad – maybe I knew he’d be my one and only?
    .-= Chrissy´s last blog ..Neil Armstrong =-.

    Bren July 7, 2010 at 1:20 pm

    Oh, girl. Been there, done that. Alternated between wishingandhopingandpraying for one thing and five minutes later for the opposite.

    I don’t know your age but this exact thing happened to me when I was 44. It turned out to be my passing through the grand entrance gates of peri-menopause. It’s almost like that whole region decides to shut down their 25 or so year run on Broadway and says “OK, ladies, let’s show ‘em what we used to be able to do”. When the show’s over, the various pieces and parts break down the set, clean out their dressing rooms, pack away their costumes, some immediately to spare themselves the pain, others over time for gradual acceptance.

    So I can commiserate with you. I always wanted another child – the first one was a happy surprise (he was my “European virus” for about seven weeks!) – but at the age of 44 it gave me (HUGE) pause.

    Cherish what you have, don’t miss what you don’t and enjoy the ride!

    Rebecca @ Playground Confidential July 7, 2010 at 1:26 pm

    Not only has this happened to me, but it happened at exactly the same time. All last week, spurred on my memory of what felt like PMS with no period that followed, I became a walking, talking encyclopedia of early pregnancy symptoms. (Even though I know that really there is no difference between PMS and early pg signs.)And then, yesterday, (at the Ontario Place water park just to make things interesting)my period finally arrived. Of course, it was not exactly impossible for me, but still pretty damn unlikely.
    Am I yearning for another baby? Funny thing is that I plan on having another one, but really don’t want to conceive just yet. So, I don’t think that’s it. I think it’s the heat.
    .-= Rebecca @ Playground Confidential´s last blog ..Heat- Reprieve- More Heat =-.

    the weirdgirl July 7, 2010 at 1:50 pm

    I have been secretly terrified of having a hysterical pregnancy because we have been trying to get pregnant for almost three years now. I can’t seem to give up the hope of getting pregnant, especially now that my husband’s diabetes has been diagnosed and is being treated, but it is a long, exhausting process. A couple of times (OK more than that) I thought I was pregnant, including one time where my boobs swelled up to melons, but it just hasn’t happened. In a twisted way, I feel like if a hysterical pregnancy happens that not only will I have lost it but that will be the absolute sign from the universe that I will never ever get pregnant. And which is more crazy, to have a hysterical pregnancy or to think it is talking to you?

    I need a hug.
    .-= the weirdgirl´s last blog ..On fires- catfights- and looking on the brighter side of life =-.

    Tania July 7, 2010 at 2:08 pm

    We all love the idea of babies. Don’t all of us fantasize about another when that is all it is, a fantasy? I want another baby as much as I want to quit working and eat ice cream guilt-free for breakfast, which is to say, I want it desperately. But, not really.

    Her Bad Mother July 7, 2010 at 3:50 pm

    Wait, what? I’m not supposed to be eating ice cream every day for breakfast?

    Boozlebox July 7, 2010 at 5:04 pm

    I definitely DON’T want another baby but I’ve been freaked out by pregnancy symptoms several times, especially the heavy, aching boobs. I’m pretty sure it’s the perimenopause because I’ve also got dreadful skin and a raging libido to boot. I can practically hear my ovaries yelling ‘Come on guys, let’s give it one last shot!’ I seem to remember hearing that you get a surge in hormones around my age (44) as your body tries to get those last few eggs fertilised which is why twins are more common in older mothers. To be honest I can’t wait for it to be over ( though the raging libido is quite nice!) I absolutely love babies and wish I’d had a third several years ago but getting pregnant now would be awful. I’ve no idea how long it will last but I could really do without the scares!
    .-= Boozlebox´s last blog ..Im writing this instead of packing =-.

    Kris July 7, 2010 at 7:07 pm

    Have SO been there (although I could not have expressed it so eloquently I think!), despite our family’s “snip snip” birth control choices after 5 pregnancies of which 3 ended in very sad and sometimes dangerous miscarriages.

    There must be *something* to it if all these women (and I’ve heard many many other similar experiences!) are having these clusters of symptoms. I hope if they ever find a cause it will be before I die because I’d really enjoy that extra confirmation that I’m not as crazy as I think I am.

    ~krismom
    .-= Kris´s last blog ..Canada Day and Patriotic Blinkies =-.

    edenland July 7, 2010 at 7:49 pm

    I used to do that. My husband had a vasectomy too, but I still would time sex so that we’d do it at the most opportune time. All it took was just one teeny swimmer! Surely it could, would happen?

    It didn’t happen. I did IVF instead. (Not a small decision, by any means.) Every fibre in me wanted another baby – and I did indeed get my baby, Catherine. And he is beautiful.

    But a part of me will always wonder if the fact that I couldn’t fall pregnant anymore made me want to all the more, know what I mean?
    .-= edenland´s last blog ..Just like an American Werewolf in London Except its an Australian Blogger in New York =-.

    Jen July 7, 2010 at 9:59 pm

    I had exactly the same thing a few weeks ago. My husband and I would have loved a third, but I developed a serious chronic illness while pregnant with my second and now have to take highly teratogenic drugs on a daily basis. The chances of my being pregnant were virtually nil (totally nil, really…such a minute chance) and yet my period didn’t come and I had ALL the symptoms – literally the only time I have felt that way was when I was pregnant, both times. Even though I knew I wasn’t, and that if I was, it would be disastrous (decision between terminating or taking a big chance on major birth defects…not a good decision to make), I couldn’t get over it. And then I started thinking maybe it wouldn’t be so bad, the baby would be fine, we would have the third we wanted… Of course I wasn’t pregnant (new meds had messed up my cycle, most likely) but it made me realize how unresolved this issue is for me. I know a third isn’t really possible, and yet…I had a spot in my heart for one more tiny, beautiful baby, a girl, and that spot will forever stay empty. It’s hard to let go.

    Her Bad Mother July 8, 2010 at 1:22 pm

    There’s no easy answer. And we never really get used to the idea of letting go, I don’t think. Which is why this is so hard.

    kim/hormone-colored days July 7, 2010 at 10:07 pm

    uh, peri-menopause? hormones are a bitch
    .-= kim/hormone-colored days´s last blog ..Our Backyard Campout =-.

    furniture for children July 7, 2010 at 11:22 pm

    What a marvelous blog you all got happening. I like a combination of excellent and accurate info coupled with a number of intellectual thoughts. It really is great to at last find excellent discussions where I really feel like I can rely on the information and respect the folks that post it. Because of the net waste these days I continually value finding some real voices on the net. Many thanks for posting and keep it up, please!!

    GingerB July 8, 2010 at 1:45 am

    I am 43 and am counting on peri-menopause, or the real thing, to wait until my daughters (now 2 and 4) are in the throes of puberty so we can pay my husband back for all the damn stupid husbandy shit he does now.

    But seriously, I want to give you a happy thought to ponder: at least you are actually having sex so you can even legitimately worry about this. Nothing ever killed my sex drive the way two children and a full time job has. I never have to worry my IUD stopped working since we never put it to any use, given our lack of energy for so much activity all at once. I say, count yourself lucky!
    .-= GingerB´s last blog ..now with more cowbell =-.

    Marinka July 8, 2010 at 3:15 am

    I understand.
    .-= Marinka´s last blog ..Those Were The Days =-.

    Emma July 8, 2010 at 8:48 am

    I have this every month. And every time the revelation comes, I’m not sure whether I’m more sad or relieved.
    .-= Emma´s last blog ..A bit of a rant =-.

    Jerseygirl89 July 8, 2010 at 10:06 am

    It’s so odd, sometimes I think the more happy you are with the family you have, the more you secretly want to expand it. Except when you think about the reality of expanding it. My tubes were tied when I had my youngest and my period has been completely crazy since I weaned him. So I live on this rollercoaster too – am on it now, as a matter of fact.
    .-= Jerseygirl89´s last blog ..Bitten in the Ass =-.

    jennie w. July 8, 2010 at 10:06 am

    I had this exact same experience this month, only I just got the evidence this morning (still blogged about it, though!). I sort of came to a different conclusion because I really thought that I wanted another baby, but once the possibility was maybe a reality, I started singing a different tune. I have realized that my reasons for wanting another baby are mostly selfish (Namely, a baby proves that I’m still young, right?)
    .-= jennie w.´s last blog ..Wherein I discuss baby-hunger and periods =-.

    Her Bad Mother July 8, 2010 at 11:24 am

    The ‘proves that I’m still young’ part is something that I’m MAD struggling with. Still don’t know quite how to put it into words.

    IzzyMom July 8, 2010 at 10:28 am

    I’ve been there once or twice…but my hormones have been bonkers for years and years.
    .-= IzzyMom´s last blog ..BULLETIN- The BP Oil Spill is Your Problem- Too =-.

    Luann July 8, 2010 at 10:56 am

    I am 42. I had 2 suprise pregnancies back to back last year that both ended in miscarriage. Seeing as I have adopted 3 kids and that is quite enough thankyouverymuch I decided to go on birth control for the first time in 20 years. I got 2 shots three months apart and they messed my hormornes and mental state up so bad I stopped them. I don’t think I’ve had a period yet this year.

    Every 3 months or so I get the OMG I’m pregnant feeling. Absolutely convinced. But the tests say different.

    Love being a female.

    agirlandaboy July 8, 2010 at 11:09 am

    For me, the fantasy of the unplanned pregnancy has everything to do with wanting another child AND knowing that now is really not a good time. So if logic and good sense are what’s keeping me from being pregnant, why wouldn’t I then fantasize about my body becoming pregnant without having consulted my mind first? It’s a great fantasy because it relieves me of any responsibility, and in the end I get what I want! Genius!

    Also, I imagine that when the time comes for us to really and truly be done having children, the feeling of that experience will be a little bit of sadness, a little bit of disappointment, and a whole lot of hating that the option to have more kids is no longer available (because of snippage). It’s the power of that choice–even if I choose “no” forevermore–that I’m really going to miss.
    .-= agirlandaboy´s last blog ..Kerbang- Kerboom =-.

    Her Bad Mother July 8, 2010 at 11:23 am

    “why wouldn’t I then fantasize about my body becoming pregnant without having consulted my mind first? It’s a great fantasy because it relieves me of any responsibility, and in the end I get what I want! Genius!”

    This is EXACTLY, exactly it. EXACTLY.

    Issa July 8, 2010 at 11:32 am

    I love the comments in here. It makes me feel like I’m not as crazy as I sometimes think I may be.
    .-= Issa´s last blog ..Picture postcard memories 6 =-.

    Her Bad Mother July 8, 2010 at 1:21 pm

    I know, right?

    melissa July 8, 2010 at 11:53 am

    i have never, ever told anyone that i have had this happen to me before. thank you so much for putting it out there.
    i currently feel that way although i know i am not pregnant. i have had to work very hard for my two pregnancies (fertility drugs) and we are in a place where my husband is done having kids and i really, really long for one more. i think that is part of my problem. i know it would be a miracle for me to get pregnant on my own, but a girl can dream, right? then i would get my way (last baby) and not be guilty.
    i guess i need to start dealing with the reality that we are probably done. see i can’t even say “done” i have to add the “probably”
    this sucks!

    elijahssong July 9, 2010 at 10:44 am

    OMG!I just about peed myself when I read this… (oh…wait…no I really did…weak bladder and all that…maternal age thing…)…I can’t believe I just said that out loud…

    (Love your blog…)
    .-= elijahssong´s last blog ..Friday Follow- =-.

    Her Bad Mother July 9, 2010 at 12:09 pm

    don’t get me started about weak bladders…

    Secret Mom Thoughts July 9, 2010 at 12:10 pm

    I have felt this too despite the vasectomy too.
    .-= Secret Mom Thoughts´s last blog ..Fruit Picking Fun =-.

    MommyNamedApril July 9, 2010 at 11:02 pm

    i completely totally surely thought i was pregnant last month. like even pulled out my maternity clothes. 15 pregnancy tests later (but still no flipping period) i’m kind of done with that line of thought. we do want more, but apparently now is not the time. stupid breastfeeding is effing up my ovulation. heh.
    .-= MommyNamedApril´s last blog ..i love you- man =-.

    pgoodness July 9, 2010 at 11:15 pm

    It’s a very odd feeling, that desire for another, but the reality that what we have is enough. I’ve had false alarms before, but never as intense as this. I think, if I am truly honest, I would be disappointed by one line. I think. Maybe. :)

    Julie @ The Mom Slant July 9, 2010 at 11:57 pm

    Having had the story unfold differently myself, I can understand. And maybe I’m a little bit hysterical myself, but I teared up as I read.
    .-= Julie @ The Mom Slant´s last blog ..Good without God =-.

    Her Bad Mother July 10, 2010 at 8:30 am

    Believe me, friend, I thought of you.

    Angie July 11, 2010 at 3:43 pm

    Been there, done that, took the test and was also just a little bummed. We have 3 children and since the big 4 0 is a mere 2 weeks away no I am not looking to have more but I understand.
    .-= Angie´s last blog ..The search… the finding… the journey =-.

    Michelle Vongphakdy July 12, 2010 at 2:37 am

    I’m glad I’m not the only one who does this. Every time I get a negative, there is a twinge of disappointment. Once, however, after using a different test than normal, I thought I got a positive. I started panicking. I couldn’t even get myself to leave the bathroom, so real and deep was my shock. When I discovered that I had read the results wrong, I was absolutely elated. It’s no wonder our husbands can’t figure us out. I can’t figure my own self out!!

    Her Bad Mother July 15, 2010 at 10:08 am

    I actually think that I might panic, too, if I saw the double lines. Which makes this even more complicated ;)

    Amanda July 12, 2010 at 8:43 pm

    They tested me at the hospital Saturday night after my accident. They always test, they told us. And still, post-vasectomy, post-decision, it still feels like a failure and a loss. Forever I do believe.
    .-= Amanda´s last blog ..Delicate =-.

    Her Bad Mother July 15, 2010 at 10:07 am

    That’s a big part of it – the feeling of failure and of loss. So inexplicable, but so REAL.

    kelly @kellynaturally July 13, 2010 at 9:43 am

    I’ve had the same scenario; really, truly thinking I’m pregnant. Knowing I can’t be. Because, vasectomy.

    And I’ve googled failure rates. Gosh, I’ve even visualized (hoped) failure. Ha. Like imaginged the crazy possibility of said tubes becoming uncut/cauterized & magically joining back together.

    I’ve also been in tears in the waiting room of my OB/GYN for my yearly checkup. Tears. Like, big, sobbing have to call my husband on the phone because I can’t come out of the bathroom & face all the pregnant ladies & newborns, tears.

    WTF, seriously?!

    Its not like he made the choice on his own. We made it together, in harmony, because as four, we are a darn good team. Each child gets enough attention, and when I’m on my own, I can’t imagine having another one to pull on my patience. My heartstrings though, that’s another story.

    And pregnancy? I’m a nut in pregnancy. Just a big (BIG) giant ball of anxiety and worry. My births were both difficult, and ended in surgeries, the last one a month earlier than he was supposed to be born. Which is scary in and of itself. Oh yes, and my babies have a blood incompatibility pathologic jaundice which requires newborn light therapy for weeks. Which. is. scary. And babies cry a lot. And don’t sleep. Oh, and my breasts.

    Yet still… somewhere… there’s obviously something (insanity) that holds out just that tiny shred of hope. It’s the preciousness of holding a tiny baby. The hopefulness. The wonder at watching all the firsts. The brother-sister interaction. Babies are amazing. And when you’re pregnant, that extra few pounds around the middle? It’s actually WANTED. And that’s really SOMETHING, you know?

    I can only offer empathy. I’ve been there. As much as I only want the two I have… I think its okay to have that little bit of longing, yearning. It’s what makes us women.

    ((hugs))
    .-= kelly @kellynaturally´s last blog ..The Question of Time =-.

    Her Bad Mother July 15, 2010 at 10:06 am

    Yes. Yes yes yes yes.

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