Tanner is being bullied. Tanner is being bullied, and it is breaking our hearts, and we don’t know what to do.
All bullying is horrible, of course. I’m resisting the temptation to insist that the bullying of Tanner, who is disabled and terminally ill, is horrible by a whole different order of magnitude than ‘ordinary’ bullying, but the fact of the matter is that to the bullied child, and those who love that child, there is no such thing as ‘ordinary’ bullying. All experiences of being bullied are uniquely, exquisitely horrible.
So it is that our experience of Tanner being bullied, and certainly Tanner’s experience of being bullied, feels uniquely awful and terrible and painful. That he already faces so much disadvantage, that his life is already painful and difficult, that his life will be short makes it all feel like something of a curse. This is how I feel. This is how my sister feels. This is, of course, how Tanner feels, although it must be said that I lack the words to understand or explain how Tanner feels, because I cannot for one instant imagine how Tanner feels, beyond a vague understanding that it involves an order of torment that I have never and likely will never experience.
What’s been happening, in my sister’s words:
Tanner over the past month or so has become colder somehow…yells a lot, says mean things to Sophie, me…and says some pretty upsetting things about himself, his disability, dying… I couldn’t figure it out. He’s never like that. Then he mentioned in casual conversation something about bullies. So I started asking him more pointedly about it… he didn’t want to talk about until just the other day, he finally told me a name and what has been happening to him. It’s a kid in his class. He tells Tanner he is fat and stupid and ugly, nobody likes or cares about him and that he was going to push him onto the road in his wheelchair… gets a couple other boys involved… they taunt him… but Tanner won’t say much else…
That is why he was so shy with the news crew (Tanner is on a Dreamlift trip to Disneyland, and local media interviewed him) – he said kids were just going to make fun of him. They wanted to film him drawing, to share some of his art so they could show the community who the real Tanner is, but Tanner didn’t want to. He is not the boy who was interviewed in NYC. He could barely manage to force a smile.
Chrissie has been fearing this for a long time. You’d think, maybe, that it would be an unreasonable fear – who bullies disabled kids, terminally ill kids? Is that not monstrous? Who does that? – but she knew. She knew.
When Tanner took his first Wish Trip to Disney World – it seems a life time ago….back when he was still walking, running even…before the Duchenne really took hold of his muscles…back when he was “normal” – we stayed at Give Kids the World, a wondrous place dedicated and devoted to sick children and their families, and we met a little girl. This girl of 8 had been badly badly burned, and left with horrendous disfiguring physical scars. I’ll call her Tessa. Tessa’s Mom and I chatted over breakfast as my kids, and others, peeled around the place, laughing. There kids in chairs, kids with no hair from the ravages of chemo… little ones, big ones… all shape sizes colors. Her mom stopped talking suddenly, and burst into tears watching Tessa run around, unselfconsciously, laughing with other kids. You see, those kids saw Tessa, saw her soul, not the burns. Her mom said that most of the time people gasp at the sight of Tessa… and cannot see past the scars… treat her somehow less than human. And so she is shy and tries to hide herself. And then I started to cry….because of the joy I could see on her face, watching her little girl just be. Her scars were invisible to the families, the children, the volunteers there. She was just a beautiful little girl who liked cotton candy! And I cried because fear set in my heart too, as Tessa’s mom was afraid, afraid of not being able to shelter her baby from some of the badness of life, the ugliness of people. She was afraid of not being able to protect Tessa’s heart from hurting when kids taunt her, or – worse, sometimes – ignore her. And I became afraid, and I stayed afraid.
Some people choose not to see because they are afraid and don’t understand. Some people choose to bully because they are ignorant. As a person, I want to feel empathy for such ignorance and have the grace to see beyond that. As the mother of a child who is being bullied, I have only hurt, and rage.
Tanner has been through the experience of being ignored. Tanner’s been through the experience of being teased. Tanner has had few playdates. He’s never been invited to a birthday party. He’s been an outsider for most of his short life, and now he’s being pushed even further outside and it is horrible horrible horrible because he deserves so much joy in the time that he has. He has so much pain already. He deserves joy. He deserves joy. I want to grab God by his dusty lapels and demand that he explain why he cannot let Tanner have even this. I want to know why it is that there are bullies, that there are monsters, that are there are bad, bad people among us. I want to know how this happens.
The monsters that Tanner is facing are other children. How does this happen? How does this happen? Parents: DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN.
From Chrissie:
There is nothing right or okay about bullying, ever. Anyone, regardless of age or abilities or appearance. Period. Parents need to stop and think and talk to their children. What if it was you? How would you feel? It is NOT okay to intentionally inflict hurt on another. All children deserve to be happy and free, children like Tanner in particular need all of the happiness and freedom they can get. Thank you to all of the wonderful wonderful people who DO make a difference in their lives and others (you know who you are) – one day, one week, one moment of happiness in its purest form (thank you Disney) brings joy to them, and to their families too. To see a genuine smile. Those of you who pick on others, ever, in even the smallest ways, and let your children see you do it, so that they learn to do it, a virtual middle finger to you, because I can’t find an emoticon to illustrate it.
Right. That. Fuck bullies, in all their forms.
Chrissie is meeting with Tanner’s school today. It already isn’t looking good, because Tanner’s teacher, and the mother of the child who is bullying (who works at the school), have defended the bully, suggesting that Tanner has provoked him, which, seriously? Tanner can barely FUCKING SWALLOW. He is in a wheelchair. He is dying.
I want to fly out there and throttle somebody, which is horrible, because, like Chrissie, I want the grace to rise above the anger that I feel. But right now, I don’t how to find it. I just don’t know how.
Why can we not all live in love, or, at least, live in a world that rejects hate? Why is this too much to ask?
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I’m so sorry to hear this. I wonder if the kid’s parents know. They might be surprised (and one would hope horrified) to find out.
Yes, they know. The mo works at the school. She’s denying that her child is at fault.
This explains more. The school may circle the wagons because it’s a staff member’s child. I’d go above their heads. It won’t be easy, but it shouldn’t matter that the mother works at the school.
Bullies are usually bullies for a reason. Not saying it’s always the parents’ fault, but…
HORRIBLE.
Unbelievable.
This is so achy.
How horrible. I am so sorry Tanner is dealing with this, bullying is NOT ok, ever.
I think it’s worse for kids who are already outsiders. Big hugs to Tanner.
Catherine, this took me back-and I wanted to cry as I read it. We have dealt with bullies, both who are children, adults, and even school staff. In the 10 years my son was in public school, 8 of them were spent dealing with bullies.
While it may seem wise to be quieter, working with the school etc. I can tell you from experience-they don’t listen until you become Momma Bear and go in there ready to make heads roll. Feel free to email me any time for tips, because I know the BC school system better than anywhere else. It’s stressful and heartbreaking, but there is NO way that teacher should be putting the blame on Tanner. Period. Just thinking about it makes me furiously angry.
Chrissie needs to document, document, document. Then go to the principal, and if they won’t listen, up the ladder further. Someone WILL listen , eventually. Unfortunately it depends on your persistence and how articulate you are.
So so mad. And I so get this.
If Chrissie needs any help, have her call me. Love to all, but especially to Tanner.
Thanks Tanis, and to all of you. Help yes! I am angry and heartbroken…particularly to have all of this come to light on the weekend after he had just been at Childrens to determine the surgery that might prevent ventilation a little longer and the weekend before Tanner took what likely will be his last trip to Disney. All at once. Sigh.
Ugh. I’m so sorry Chrissie. If you need anything at all, even just a shoulder, give me a call. Message me on FB. Whatever. I get this. Our school for Knox is really proactive about ensuring Knox isn’t bullied or made fun of at all, and I’ve gone into the school a few times to have talks with the students to ensure it stays that way. Sadly it becomes more of an issue the older Knox gets. Give Tanner a squeeze from us. We’re here for you guys.
I just…what…my brain does not comprehend how ANY type of bullying is ever considered okay by a teacher. If it’s being provoked (yeah right…that’s ridiculous) then I would think they’d make BOTH kids stop.
I was bullied in school and had a substitute teacher sit back and watch. I hope any teacher, like Tanner’s and that sub, someday realize what pain they are putting children through.
Now I want to send Tanner a birthday invite. Much love to your wonderful family.
Bullying is horrible. It leaves so many scars. I still struggle with my own.
Kids can be cruel without even knowing it but htere is no excuse for letting this behaviour happen. Thanks for the reminder to parents about their own responsibilities. It has been a while since I talked to my son about these kinds of issues and will start the conversation again. Bullying, recieving it, doing it, defending it or even just watching it passively; none of it is acceptable.
This is horrible on so many levels. I think a lot of kids just don’t realize how serious what they’re doing to other kids is, how the other kids are suffering long after the encounters. I’m not saying this to defend the bullies in ANY way – the behavior is indefensible. I’m saying it because, as unlikely as it seems, when I would hurt other kids (verbally), I didn’t think about how they felt later. It felt good to me in that moment to hurt them, and that was it – I forgot all about it until the next time. What I was doing didn’t sink in until the issue was put front and center, in my face. When I actually started to think about those kids at home, still sad and upset, I started to get it. Of course, those kids simply might not get it with anything less than huge punishments. I hope Tanner’s mom can get the school to take some action. Those kids need to learn empathy. It’s a tough thing to teach, and it sounds like the teacher has none, so I’m not surprised it’s happening in her classroom.
I’ve read of other, similar situations where the school wasn’t helping, so the parents put a small recorder in the kid’s pocket. I’m guessing that’s illegal in many places, but wouldn’t it be great to have evidence to prove to the teacher that Tanner is the innocent victim here?
I completely agree with you. It’s so easy to make bullying a black/white, right/wrong, bully/victim situation, but it’s often not that simple. Kids who bully aren’t necessarily bad or evil kids – they simply don’t have the empathy or awareness of consequences that we have as adults. It’s our job as adults to help them learn.
Yup, that was totally me. I was bullied, and then I turned around and was mean to kids who were lower on the social totem pole than I was. At the time I was doing it I wasn’t thinking of the victims at all.
This breaks my heart. Bullying is horrendous. Unacceptable. Period.
I wouldn’t recommend a recorder. But I’d demand a meeting and ask that the principal be there. If that isn’t satisfactory, I’d talk to just the principal. You should always go through the process, or you will seem less credible. After the principal would likely be the superintendent, and then the board.
In BC, if you still aren’t getting anywhere, I’d then call the ombudsperson. Here is where your paper trail will shine because they will want print outs of every communication you’ve had w/ the school trying to resolve it. ALWAYS put things in writing. It will drive the school nuts, but it creates a paper trail, which is EXACTLY what you want. In this case it’s especially bad since Tanner is a special needs child.
I work in the BC school system, so can help Chrissie out with whatever she needs.
As an author and an educator, I wanted to post something insightful….but as a mother, I know that NOTHING I say can lessen the pain for this family. All I can do is forward, post and tweet this…as I hope all who read this do. It is “us” that need to learn from Tanner & Chrissy.
My heart is breaking for you.
I have a brother with special needs. As his sister, I have seen the way that he treats other people. He is not one who makes fun of people, or bullies people, even though he himself has been through that torment. Children with struggles like Tanner I do not believe are capable of such meanness. As you described earlier about the trip to Disney World, they see the “soul” of the person. They do not make fun or tease other people. They have large hearts capable of loving and of being hurt. I cannot believe that they would accuse this sweet boy of instigating anything. Regardless, all of us are responsible for our own actions. This child bully, is responsible FOR HIMSELF. His actions are not the result of what SOMEONE DID TO HIM. They are the result of him making the choice to act against someone else. No one can MAKE someone else do something. I hope the school recognizes this and takes action.
I’m sorry, but this is not fair. Children are not fully responsible for themselves, which is why they have basically no rights as individuals. Bullies are often kids who have low self-esteem and take it out on other kids. Maybe they are being bullied or abused. Kids don’t have much control over anything and one way they exert control is by the relationships they have with others. So, while there is no good excuse for bullying and while it should not be tolerated under any circumstances, labeling kids who make bad choices as bad people isn’t better. When I was in 6th grade, we got a new kid in our class who was heavy, wore glasses and was incredibly smart. My friends teased him for weeks for absolutely no good reason. I befriended him (having been bullied and teased myself), which forced the rest of the group to get to know him as well. The teasing stopped and by the time we graduated a few years’ later, we were all friends. Kids do dumb things to look cool, fit in, etc., and sometimes just need to be reminded that their behavior simply isn’t OK. Today, every single one of those kids from 6th grade is a wonderful, kind, and caring person.
We can’t turn our heads and look the other way when childhood bullying occurs, but we can demonize the perpetrators, either, especially when they obviously are getting no guidance from the adults on their lives.
I work as a parent support and special education advocate for children with disabilities. Print and take this below linked letter to the principal and tell them that Tanner is being denied his right to FAPE – a free appropriate public education and they have 5 days to give you a plan to resolve it. “Peer mediation” is not the solution. Bullies bully because of power, not because they are “provoked” That school needs to be put on notice and now.
http://www2.ed.gov/about/offices/list/ocr/letters/colleague-201010.html
and here is another great web site for Tanner and his family
http://www.pacer.org/bullying/
I have to say: I was seriously, severely bullied as a child (for being a nerd, for wearing glasses, for being a poor scholarship girl at a school for rich people, for having openly gay people in my family). My own child has been bullied a few times (for having a motor skills delay, for having red hair, for having a peanut allergy — and some of the bullying over the last issue has included what amounts to death threats, by the way). I work as a volunteer one day a week with children with learning disabilities and autism spectrum disorders, and I can say without a doubt that every single one of the children I work with has been teased or bullied, at one time or another, by another child, and sadly, sometimes by adults, too for being different.
So I know about bullying. And I do think that bullying of a terminally ill child who uses a wheelchair and lives with constant pain is, in fact, WORSE than “normal” bullying. I think you can say that without reservation. It’s worse.
It hurts my heart to even type this, but Tanner won’t live to see an adulthood where “It gets better.” Everyone adult who is charged with the care of that boy — or with any other child in his position — has a moral responsibility to work to make his days NOW as good as possible. That includes his teacher and indeed every staff member at his school. If they see ANY child being bullied they should stop it. But I do believe they have a special extra responsibility when it comes to protecting children like Tanner.
That argument aside, it doesn’t sound to me like the school staff are even accepting the basic level of responsibility they ought to feel toward EVERY child in their care. To quote my mother, I don’t care who started it. The teacher needs to finish it. You don’t have to know who started a cycle of bullying to stop it. As I mentioned, I am regularly entrusted with classrooms full of other people’s children, and yes, I have stopped children from saying cruel things to one another in my presence, and no, it’s not that hard. They are CHILDREN. You can, as a responsible adult, in fact, tell them what to do. (You can, in fact, tell children what to do without making a fuss, assigning blame or even telling the children why you are telling them what to do. Like, for example, “Sit over there. Do not talk to Tanner.”) And you can in fact enforce consequences if they refuse to listen. (Like, for example, “If you choose to speak to Tanner again after I told you to stop, you will be sent to the office.”)
And if it’s your OWN child acting inappropriately at a school you work for, you should be DOUBLY capable of telling him or her to behave like a civilized person.
Thank you for that. In fact I think I will quote you if you dont mind when at school….very well said. I expect my child to be held to same standard too. I have always tried to teach him to have grace and to not use his chair as an excuse. Despite what he faces, I still expect him to be as kind and loving as he can, in action and words. For him to lash out with his words, which he did say he called this kid stupid back, means he is trying to protect himself the only way he can. And you are right, there is empathy required here. He cannot do the things other children can, he will not grow old and get married and have kids. If they could only IMAGINE what that feels like, knowing that….instead of treating him like a nuisance and right now, I say more power to Tanner for trying to stand up for himself the only way he can. BUt now he has his Mom involved. And thank you again for all the support! particularly my big sis.
If you think it will help, you can print that off and hand it to them, as far as I’m concerned! Lending you a few words is the very least I could do to help.
This brings back memories. My cousin, who was 3 years younger than me, had Duchenne’s. Luckily my brother & I went to the same school as he, so we were able to somewhat deflect the bullies. How heartbreaking to hear that bullying is just as present, and dare I say more hurtful, as it was 20 years ago. I wish I was there to protect Tanner.
Thank you for renewing my pledge to teach my 2-yo and 4-yo that bullying is awful and unacceptable.
It is never too much to ask. Rejecting hate should be the absolute bare minimum.
My heart goes out to you, to Chrissie, to Tanner, to all the invisible people, and to the ones who – for whatever obscure reason – become the bullies’ focus.
It is so wrong that Chrissie’s energy and attention has be diverted to protecting her child, when I know she’d rather be with and enjoy her child, through whatever time they have left. This is the time for YELLING. Articulate, documented yelling, but YELLING all the same.
Mamas (and Papas), don’t let your babies grow up to be bullies.
This makes me so angry and sad. I just want to smack the mother of that kid. I know that sometimes there are kids who bully because they are bullied at home and then there are just mean kids who bully for sport this seems to fall into the second category. It’s just so wrong, and even if every one of us who thinks Tanner is awesome told him so, it’s those damn ugly words from some jerk kid that he would still hear most loudly because words that hurt seem to be stronger than words that don’t and that sucks. *hugs to Chrissi and Tanner*
This just broke my heart, into a million little pieces. It sickens me to hear about children being bullied, tormented, cast aside for being different or less than or outside. But it enrages me to hear of children whose parents have failed to teach them compassion and empathy and kindness and love. This bully is exhibiting a learned behavior, and it is no wonder he behaves the way he does, judging by the reaction of his mother once she learned of what was happening. As a mother, I don’t care WHO started it, if my child was at fault or was defending herself: I would be MORTIFIED and HORRIFIED to learn that my child was using another child’s disability and pain against them, as a way to inflict even more torment and anguish.
I am so sorry for Tanner, and for you, and for any child who experiences this at any point. It’s just despicable.
Oh this just breaks my heart.
This post serves as a reminder to us all to talk to our children about bullying and explain that we will not tolerate it ONE BIT from them, no matter who started or what anyone says first. I find it hard to talk to my kindergartener about bullying: how to describe it, how to differentiate it from teasing, how to teach her to be resilient and powerful and gentle and empathic all at once. But just because it’s hard doesn’t mean that I don’t need to do it. Clearly and regularly.
Sending hugs and love and wishing that all bullies would just disappear from the face of the earth.
I’m so sorry. This just breaks my heart. I don’t understand it either. There are some things in this world I will never understand.
what kind of parents raise kids that think it is ok to bully a kid in a wheel chair!!?? WTF.
Tanner and his mom need to move to my hood. It may not be fancy but boy, our school is amazing with kids with ability issues…there is NO bullying….and they get invited to birthday parties and everyone attends their parties too.
I am so sick of bullying..I am so sick of nothing being done….
This is wrong on every level. Bullying anyone is so wrong and just like everyone has already said, bullying Tanner is more than terrible – getting away with it because he “must have done something to deserve it”, which is in essence what that teacher is saying, is despicable.
Please let us know if you get the school to listen and take action. If not, I know a few people from CTV news out there… just sayin’.
My mom recently said to me that she wishes she’d pushed harder, spoken up sooner and with more resolve. I completely understand and respect your desire to have the grace to rise above, but this is an issue of quality of life and I believe your gut is right. That said, I know it isn’t that simple. I do wish for you all that you can navigate this awful terrain in a way that leaves you without too too much regret.
Big love to you all.
Oh. My. God.
Poor Tanner. Your poor sister. This is fucking insane. Kids are mean, they are so mean sometimes, but the icing on the cake is adults defending mean kids.
Is it wrong that I kind of want to stuff tutus down their throats?
Here’s what makes me the angriest about this:
“Tanner’s teacher, and the mother of the child who is bullying (who works at the school), have defended the bully, suggesting that Tanner has provoked him…”
Fine. Let’s say for one minute that that might – MIGHT – be true. And I am not saying it is, but for the sake of this simple argument, let’s say Tanner was completely out of line with this kid somehow. How can both the teacher and the parent say that the other kid was then perfectly justified in being nasty to Tanner? Is their response honestly that this kid’s bad behaviour is OK because “Tanner started it?” Nuh-uh. No way at all. Even if that WAS the case, then the response should be to work with *both* kids on respectful behaviour. Their excuse for doing nothing is a shitty one, and that kid is learning nothing except that it’s OK to pick on those that are weaker than you as long as you can pin it on them somehow.
Big hugs, Catherine and Chrissie. I really hope the school will work with you on this.
ABSOLUTELY. That anyone would offer up what amounts to a justification for bullying is absolutely mind-boggling. There might be an *explanation* for some instances of bullying–abuse, the bully being bullied him/herself, etc.–but even these explanations don’t amount to justification.
Might I suggest an online petition that we can all sign to Tanner’s teacher and the bully mom with a big virtual FUCK YOU? Just so they can see the error of their very shallow and outdated thinking.
I’m so sorry this is going on and I hope your sister continues to fight this situation. She should probably escalate to the principal if the teacher is unwilling to act. If Tanner has done nothing (which is presumably the case), they need to defend him. If, for some reason he has played some role in the problem, there is still something that needs to be done. The teacher should be dealing with Tanner’s behavior, as well as that of the other child.
Here’s the thing… it’s our JOB to teach kids to be good people. Blaming others, turning our heads, and acting like there’s nothing wrong is neither parenting, nor educating, and it’s a disservice to our children. I’ve seen a lot of kids in my day (worked in schools, after school programs, etc.) and there weren’t many who had never done something unkind to a peer at one point or another. If one child accuses another of bullying, obviously there is SOMETHING going on!
I was bullied in school. There are times when, thinking back, it *still* gets me choked up because bullying is just. that. awful. And insidious.
But it’s preventable. It starts at HOME with parents treating children like PEOPLE, not possessions. Its about connecting with your children – even as babies. About empathizing with them, sharing with them, listening – really listening when they talk. Affirming their hurts – no matter how small – and not always dismissing them, or their tantrums. Little hurts become big hurts, and if parents aren’t there to help work through those feelings, kids take those feelings out on others around them.
If you aren’t shown compassion, you can’t give it.
I am so so sorry that Tanner is having to endure this. I’d like to say it will make him stronger – and maybe it will. But it certainly isn’t necessary to make a person strong. I’m not sure I’m any better of a person for being bullied, other than to understand – clearly – how much it hurts; which makes me want to keep my children away from bullying, and keep them from bullying others. Bottom line is that there’s no good reason for bullying. Gah. Tears.
I don’t think I can react rationally in this matter. I’m glad that commenters above (notably Jaelithe) can do so in my stead.
Chrissie and Tanner, if you want someone to go absolutely batshit fucking crazy with anger on your behalf, I’m your woman. I’m so sorry.
I have been where chrissie is. I have heard how great a kid the bully is. I have been told that my kid was provoking the bullying. I have heard that my kid had to suck it up, get thicker skin.
And they were wrong. The kid was a creep. My kid was reacting out of fear. My kid did not have to suck it up. My gentle, honest kid. He finally got the attention required for the admin to pay attention when he threatened suicide at school. And even then, they only called me 2 hours after the event.
But fear not. Because I tore them a new one. After months of advocating, I got THAT call?? They heard me screaming from one end of the school to the other.
And they finally heard us. And dealt with it.
Now, at 16, my kid defended his original bully. He is still gentle and honest. He is 8 inches taller, well liked by his peers with good friends and realizes his self worth.
I will come in and yell with you. I want for tanner for him to see the awesome kid that he is. I want those parents to see what they are doing by not being real parents.
And I have a 16 year old kid that will happily stand with tanner as well.
Oh this just breaks my heart. My son was bullied his very first day of school. And every day for 3 insufferable days until I decided to stop playing nice and protect my son. No child should ever have to face that.
Whether this child knows what he is doing is bullying, is painful, is what it is to Tanner doesn’t matter – like others have said, these are children and the adults need to step in. Some kids don’t understand boundaries, but someone has to teach them. If not now, with this teacher and this parent, then when?
I have tears in my eyes and no words to express how horrified I am. Please let us know how the meeting with the school goes.
I feel your rage. Bullying is insane and we must stop it. We as parents are the only hope. We MUST teach our children never to bully and always to intervene and stop it when they see it.
We MUST all take action. Today. Every day.
Thank you for this post. Let’s keep reminding each other that it is up to us as parents to STOP BULLYING!!!!
I’d like to offer an alternate view on kids who bully. As a teacher, I’ve met with the parents of bullies. The bully children don’t fall far from the tree – the parents are bullies too. The adults teach their kids to take pleasure in making others wait, irritate others for pleasure, and take advantage of the weak. They teach the child that their behaviors are always determined by the actions of others, so there is no reason to take responsibility for them. Yes, sometimes the children are the products are abused, but sometimes mean children come from mean parents in the same way kind children can come from kind parents. My point is that your sister may not get anywhere with the parents, because they see nothing wrong with the behaviors.
What’s the answer? It’s tough given that one of the the bully’s parents is a county employee. A suggestion that a visit to the local media may be in order could get Tanner’s situation the attention it deserves. Zero-tolerance for bullying is a hot topic – take advantage of it.
Excellent point – the question of how bullies get made is probably the trickiest part of all this.
I work in the province in schools, I have a kid with special needs, and we’ve dealt with bullying for years. I do NOT recommend going to the media right away. I would go to the principal, then the superintendent, then the school board. After that you can go to the ombudsperson (an impartial agency) and you can complain to the BC Teacher’s college if you feel the teacher has acted inappropriately. We have followed this pattern and been successful.
However, the sad thing is that the only thing we did that was completely successful was pulling our child out of public school altogether. Regardless of what Tanner may or may not have done, if the child threatened physical harm, and is over 12 yrs old, one could call the police and he could possibly be charged with uttering threats.
This is awful. I can’t help but cry. I agree with going to the media. I would get the word out to as many people as you can. Tell Tanner to never give up. I would also remove him from that school system immediately. I wouldn’t want my child to go to a school that basically allows bullying. It’s really sad that a lot of parents don’t teach children compassion and understanding anymore…
I remember when I was in High School, my brother, who had Cerebral Palsy was teased and I would freak out on other kids and get in there faces. I even marched into the principle’s office one time and threatened him saying that if he didn’t do something about it, that I was going to.
It’s crazy how often bullying is being wrote about and talked about on TV and how everyone is trying to spread the awareness, yet this keeps happening. Do these particular parents not have cable or something?!
My heart goes out to Tanner and his family <3
Oh Catherine this is terrible. I believe it, because I have seen it happen. I am always shocked, but then I remember how many parents don’t see their children as bullies, don’t try to stop the behavior early, think kids will be kids…blah blah blah.
Bullying is completely unacceptable in any form and you know what…it is worse to do it to a wonderful child like Tanner who is sick and does not have the same life.
I send my love and hope that more parents and teachers will get involved in making this all stop.
Hi everyone. Again, thank you for all the support. It’s funny, because again I have always tried to teach Tanner to live with grace and love….to never never feel sorry for himself …becuase he is a gift. His life is a gift. ….to show him and my other children that you can achieve whatever you set your mind too though to be honest I have found it hard this past year…life I guess…and expected the same from others. And we have received so so much support and goodness, that it is strangling to believe that some people will never know what it is to be real…to feel heartbreak and loss..and empathy and compassion beyond their small small world…and also complete and total joy! That they are so frightened and ignorant of real trials and tribulations…my sister, as many of you are in your own way for different reasons and different causes, is a champion of children with HIV.(.so many of you joined the movement Tutus for Tanner…the list could go on… and love to all of you…)who didnt ask for the life they faced, but yet it gives them grace, unless you are completely souless, nobody asks for it nor deserves it. I simply refuse to believe that it is badness, the bullying, only total ignorance. Yet I am forced to stare it down and by god I will. For my kids and yours. Will keep you posted. Much much love and hugs back too.THANK YOU
You are absolutely welcome to contact me. I have worked in BC school districts for 20 yrs, and have dealt with bullies w/ my own child (who has special needs) a great deal. There are things that I can’t post, but I may be able to help you with or at least point you in the right direction. There isn’t a lot of help in BC, but you do have options.
notesfromthecookiejar (at) yahoo (dot) ca
I’m with ya on ohhhh sooo many levels….
Been to GKTW ( I cried too), same deal with my guy fragile, palliative
I’ve been fighting with the school to let me child be alone for 5 minutes to build autonomy – they say…but what IF…all the bad things that could happen do?? and all their what IF”S are medically based….LOL Mine are all skills for coping with bullies, social rules, being socially aware etc…
Ok I’m sooo sad I want to puke now…
God bless you – breath— release the stress and go forward strong sista!
someone needs to tell Lady Gaga. she’d bring some freak down on them.
I would be out of my mind if I were your sister. Out of my freakin’ mind.
This I cannot even fathom. That the mother has the unmitigated gall to defend her son telling a wheelchair bound child that he is fat, ugly, and that he essentially wants to kill him by pushing him into the road in his wheelchair? That is indefensible.
And for the teacher to defend the bully’s actions and blame the victim? Indefensible, too. If the mother and teacher work together, then your sister is climbing a big hill. Does she have an advocate? The itinerant teacher/case worker who might accompany her to the meeting? Scour the law regarding accommodations and find out if the school is in violation of any of them. She wants some legal teeth going in. This cannot stand.
He is a beautiful boy, and simply by the nature of his being alive, is worthy of kindness and respect, no matter what. If I could throat punch the parties involved, I would. What happened to empathy? Where did it go?
I’m so very sorry.
Oh this is a punch in the gut. Ugh. Thinking of you guys and this hurt. {{hug}}
I’m not gonna use the comment section to say something about my desire to go visit that bully. I feel a ‘Julia Sugarbaker’ speech coming on….
Dang, I’m livid.
As someone who was bullied, I am floored at this story. Bullies suck, but How can anyone — and really, what kind of child– bullies a handicapped child? I don’t even know what to say. I wish you lived closer because I would love to have Tanner here for a playdate. I just want to do something to help him. Sending good thoughts, and suggesting your sister get a lawyer and sue that school district — starting with the teacher. Sometimes that’s the only thing that gets people to take action. Absolutely unacceptable.
My prayers are with you all. –KB
Everyone around Tanner needs to tell him every hour of every day what a wonderful gift he is to this world.
My son was bullied for 2 years. We switched schools only to have said bully end up in the same school. First school’s response was to not deal with the bully, who had a lot of issues with many kids and was also a teacher’s child. At the new school, we entered a whole new world. After being identified, child was not allowed to sit with other kids; he had to sit right next to the teacher’s desk. He had to walk the halls holding the teacher’s hand. He was shadowed all the time. And he was rewarded for good behavior. By the end of the year, my son said the kid was much better. Shadowing does work. The adults just need to take responsibility for fixing the situation. My bet is that Tanner’s not the only child feeling the wrath of the bully.
I’m so mad. So angry at this! I hope the meetings help at the school. Sounds like an uphill battle and an unfair fight since the other mom works at the school.
This is awful. Absolutely disgraceful, disgusting. So much for compassion.
All the talk of bullying lately has been triggering me right out. I was horribly bullied just under 20 years ago. The school was in on it then: the teacher even joined in. Why has nothing changed? It’s been 20 years: why can’t we expect more?
Even worse: I’m a teacher. I report every bit of bullying I see. I talk with the bullies. I talk with the bullied. I talk to parents. I talk to VPs. I try to make it clear that I will not accept any level – even “joking” (the most common excuse). I worry that it’s not enough. I worry that I am complicit in the system. I don’t know what more to do.
I want to help. I do this everyday. Where are you located? Please email me.
Thanks Anthony. You can find me on facebook….all of you can…Chrissie Bawn. Still working on my own blog….Thank you all for the support in this!
My heart literally broke after reading this post. It seems unthinkable that anyone would sink as low as this bully seems to have. I was bullied as a child and my daughter was bullied for a time in elementary school. The school defended the bully and besides a warning nothing was done to stop this. I dont understand how in 2011 schools still cannot get this under control. I will keep you all in my prayers.
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