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7 Nov

Happiness Wears Pipe Cleaner Glasses

I wrestle with guilt, as you know. Also, anxiety. It’s a fun combination, guilt and anxiety. I have a lot of experience with both.

But whereas when I was working from home my guilt and anxiety tended toward the mild, ‘shouldn’t I do more volunteering at my daughter’s school; I mean, isn’t that why moms work at home? So that they can do things like spend more time with their kids?’ and ‘why do I never get out of these yoga pants?’ variety, now that I’m working outside of the home my guilt and anxiety are tending toward the more dramatic ‘OH GOD I AM NOT THERE FOR MY CHILDREN, LIKE, EVER variety. Which, I know. It’s like I look for things to worry over and feel guilt about. You can roll your eyes at me. I roll my eyes at me.

Anyway. I’m feeling more guilty this week, because her birthday is coming up and I have no idea how to deal with that, what with an apartment full of boxes and a calendar that is wildly out of control and the fact that I have no idea what one does for birthdays in New York City when one can’t host a party at one’s home. And with more guilt comes more anxiety, and with more guilt and anxiety comes more of an attachment to Ativan, which brings with it more guilt, whence more anxiety, and a kind of ouroborosian cycle ensues, etc, etc, etc.

31 Oct

Two-Headed Robot Zombie Monsters Are Not The Only Fruit

Here’s the thing about Halloween with kids: dressing kids up is wildly fun, when you have control over the dress-up process. When you get to decide what they wear – which is to say, when you dress them up in whatever fashion amuses you – the whole exercise is awesome, and well worth the energy required (and you do need energy. Wrestling squirmy babies into chicken outfits is not for the faint of heart or weak of arm.)

Okay, so she was a duck, so, more fowl than poultry. Also, she was in pasties. Which is like fowl with garnish.

It’s most awesome when you can dress them up in ways that are borderline inappropriate, or would be if your neighbors had any familiarity with the works of Anthony Burgess and Stanley Kubrick (ours did not):

13 Oct

Home Is Where The Bunkbed Is

If you ask Emilia what she’s most looking forward to about moving to New York, she’ll tell you that there are five things that she’s most looking forward to: ‘the lady statue,’ ‘having an elevator,’ ‘new friends,’ ‘the toy store with the Ferris Wheel,’ and ‘new bedroom.’ What’s the thing that she most most looks forward to? ‘The lady statue, if my new bedroom was inside it, but it’s not, so the Ferris Wheel, and also my new bedroom.’ (The ‘lady statue’ is, by the way, the Statue of Liberty, because ‘why do they call it a statue of LIBERTY of liberty, Mommy, when it’s a statue of a LADY?’)

Needless to say, if there were a Ferris Wheel in her new bedroom, that would be a hands-down win.

11 Oct

No Sleep Til Brooklyn

I left my house for the last time yesterday. I slipped away, under the cover of dark – which is to say, at an unreasonably early hour, to catch an unreasonably early flight – and left for good. Kyle and the kids are still there, and will be for another two weeks as things get packed and readied for the move, but me, I’m gone. It feels very, very strange, to have finally just left that life behind. Not in a bad way, even though I might have teared up a little as the car pulled away from the house. More in a, ‘wow, this is disconcerting, in an exciting and also kind of terrifying’ way.


I put the kids to bed the night before I left. I kissed them and I cuddled them and I promised them that the two weeks until we’d all be together in New York would pass quickly. “But will they, Mommy?’ Emilia asked. ‘Will they really? Because you keep saying that it’s going to be really really soon but it feels like a really long time.”


5 Oct

A Room Of Her Own, Mostly

To say that we’re all pretty excited about moving to New York would be an understatement. If excitement could be measured on some sort of excitementometer, the levels in our household might cause it burst. Our household thrums with excitement. Even though we’re tripping over cardboard boxes and dealing with epic chaos and wrestling with my increasingly frequent and lengthy absences (I’m more or less resident in NYC now), we’re happy. This is an adventure. This is exciting.

That excitement, however, is not evenly distributed among everyone within the household.