I don’t know about you, but I think that my child makes a far slicker Horatio Caine than does David Caruso, who, let’s face it, is a hack. But CBS doesn’t care if my baby is an undiscovered Horatio Cane-impersonating genius, because CBS hates babies. Canadian babies, mostly, but also just babies, as a class, because they won’t let babies or Canadians – and certainly not Canadian babies – enter their Horatio Caine impersonation contest, which, seriously, is a crime against babies and also lovers of CSI Miami and anybody who writes baby-centric Horatio Caine fanfic. This is an outrage, you guys.

I might think that this was just a plot originated by David Caruso, who is very probably threatened by the sunglasses-doffing slicksters of tomorrow, one of whom might replace him one day, or get their own CSI spin-off, CSI: Playgroup, which would almost certainly be a ratings blockbuster, so you could see why he’d want to keep the young ones off his turf. So, yeah, I might think that, but isn’t CBS making a lot of dodgy calls about babies and baby-related issues these days, you know, what with their whole marketing love affair with anti-reproductive rights groups and all? I mean, sure, it’s hard to make the case that Focus On The Family, who get to have their anti-abortion ads run during the Super Bowl, are anti-baby – anti-choice, sure, but that’s not quite the same thing, even if the people whose choices they’re restricting used to be babies, and shouldn’t the women who used to be babies have choice? (which, I know, the standard anti-choice line is don’t the babies get a choice? which is mad loaded but not the primary topic of concern here and really, anyway, now’s not the time to debate baby vs. fetus, even if I do think that Horatio Caine would have some strongly worded and sternly delivered opinions about that, which would be interesting to hear, if only to find out at which point in the debate he would punctuate his remarks by removing his sunglasses) – but still, it seems that CBS only likes babies if they’re fetuses or if they’re not babies at all but grown-up people who are ‘over the age of 18 and residents of the United States of America.’ I call shenanigans.

Because, seriously. My baby would so totally have won their Horatio Caine impersonation contest if CBS weren’t all ageist and anti-baby and David Caruso weren’t such an insecure dork.

Pass it on.

(PS: Please keep tweeting and linking and forwarding our open letter against non-consensual nether-probing, which, let’s face it, Horatio Caine would never stand for. >>> *screeching-guitar-shred* >>> WE WON’T GET FOOLED AGAIN.)