And you thought the pimps had it rough

March 22, 2006


Apparently, it’s hard out there for a baby, too.

Well, for French babies, anyway. Apparently their mamans insist that they wash their hands and keep their fingers out of their noses and go to bed when told. Such injustices have compelled some French babies to protest publicly. One baby was so outraged that he put his words of protest to music, and now his Battle Hymn for the Babies – or, Dur, dur être bébé (It’s Tough to be a Baby) – has become a rallying cry for babies everywhere. (1)

The French, of course, have a long history of protest. One might go so far as to say that they invented the modern protest movement. That little demonstration way back in the late 18th Century, the French Revolution, really set the standard. Now, when the French get upset about something, they don’t talk about it: they march, sing or throw things at each other. (To the best of my knowledge, the guillotine is no longer being used.)

So it really shouldn’t be any surprise that French babies, getting all up about something, would start releasing records. It’s not as though they can march, after all. Their little arms couldn’t hold up the signs. And tossing pureed sweet potato or bottles of breastmilk at riot police doesn’t have quite the same effect as, oh, say, stones and fire bombs.

I’ve been very careful to conceal the Babies of the World Unite movement from WonderBaby, because there’s no question that she has grounds for protest. Although she enjoys numerous freedoms, some forcible confinement has been necessary for the peace and security of the household. WonderBaby has been routinely subjected to the constraint of the swaddle and the confinement of the baby jail, and while to date protest has been limited (2), we are anticipating outright rejection of these measures in the near future. Postponing this rejection, and moderating this rejection when it inevitably occurs, will be critical to the continued sanity and well-being of all members of the household.

That said, I don’t know that WonderBaby, given her Nietzschean inclinations (3), would actually align herself with a protest movement. Her plans for world domination do not, so far as I understand them, involve reliance upon an underclass. She seems, rather, intent upon relying on her own arms. (4)

And when she has full and unfettered use of those arms? Watch out.

Baby on lockdown.


———-

1) I must confess that this is old news. Jordy made his protests back in the early nineties, when it was still legal in France to put babies to work. He’s now a pimply teenager, and is seeking to re-establish himself as a public figure. Expect “Dur, dur être adolescent boutonneux” to be released any time now.

2) You thought maybe that we had bested the swaddle gods? Ha. Ha. Ha. That battle has been temporarily abandoned. There have been some experiments in swaddle-free sleeping, some of which were successful for very brief periods of time (45 minutes! Woo hoo!), but it has become clear that WonderBaby is still not prepared to rock it freestyle, at least not full-time.

3) She is aiming for control of the Known and Unknown Universe, after all.

4) See Machiavelli, The Prince, Chapter VI

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