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3 Apr

The WonderBaby Royal Tour

WonderBaby has just returned from her tour of the provinces, and the Royal Household is happy to report that it was an unqualified success.

It was the first time that WonderBaby has journeyed any great distance from her Throne, and there was some concern that she would be displeased with the conditions of travel and with the gruelling pace of a Royal Tour. But WonderBaby sallied forth nobly, and comported herself like the royal personage and future Imperial Leader of the Universe that she is. Which is to say, what WonderBaby wanted, Wonderbaby got, and all activity proceeded smoothly so long as all of WonderBaby’s needs and desires were met.

Which meant that, among other things, the Royal Motorcade was required to make numerous stops en route to its destination, thereby turning a 4 hour drive into a 6 hour drive.

Further, the required sojourns at dodgy truck stops posed certain difficulties for the Entourage because, although rich in kitsch and entertainment value and so worthy of pause, such truck-stops have the unfortunate effect of compelling those members of WonderBaby’s entourage who eat solid food to take their meals at McDonalds.

Which would not be so bad – Bad Mother has taken many a meal beneath the Golden Arches and regards the McDonald’s French fry, when served very hot and salty, as a singularly satisfying gastronomic experience – were it not for the fact that road-trip stopovers at truck-stop McDonalds bring out the worst impulses in people (OK, in Bad Mother) and the first of the Motorcade’s stops saw Bad Mother partaking of a Cadbury Creme Egg McFlurry, chased by a McChicken (because, duh, one doesn’t want the McFlurry to melt while the McChicken is being eaten), at 11 o’clock in the morning.

Which made for some gastro-intestinal discomfort, and so some general crankiness, neither of which was helped by Bad Father’s insightful observation that both could have been avoided if Bad Mother were better able to exercise impulse control.

All, however, was forgotten when the Royal Entourage arrived at what would be home base for the Royal Tour: Very Nice Suite in a Very Nice Hotel in a Very Small City Not Known for its Very Nice Hotels. Here, WonderBaby was delighted to discover baby-friendly carpeting, a king-sized bed and a swimming pool.

And one very high-concept crib, which bore an unfortunate resemblance to a zoo cage, but which was nonetheless received happily by WonderBaby, who has something of a predeliction for confinement.

So it was that WonderBaby was able to sally comfortably forth to greet her subjects, her basic needs having been well met.

And sally forth she did, to commune with adoring fans, among which various beloved cousins, fawning aunts and uncles, and a smitten Nana…

Buttery baby fist clenched around Nana’s tissue-soft finger. Love is all in the hands.

… and one small angry dog, who quite rightly regarded WonderBaby as a potential usurper of the Quebec throne.

WonderBaby was unable to win over Le Chien Noir, who refused to relinquish her hold on the Lap of the Aunt, but direct conflict was avoided and the visit was nonetheless considered by all to be a triumph.

The Entourage later retired to Tour Headquarters, whereupon WonderBaby decided to avail herself of the spa facitilies. Aided by First HandMatron (aka Bad Mother), WonderBaby donned her bathing costume and took to the waters.

(Of note: First HandMatron made her first appearance in a bathing costume since the arrival of WonderBay, and was not traumatized. Further, First HandMatron permitted that photographs be taken. All relevant parties regarded this as a special triumph.)

(You didn’t seriously think that First HandMatron would permit publication of said photographs, did you? First HandMatron is not that well-adjusted. Not remotely.)

She wore an itsy bitsy teeny weeny polka dot bikini… and Bad Father trembled a little in anticipation of a future in which a bikini-clad WonderDaughter will cause his heart to be filled with a deep distrust of all male persons and very possibly cause him to rethink his position on gun-ownership.

A lovely time, in sum, was had by all.

Phase One of World Domination: Complete.

WonderBaby thanks you all for your attention.