The WonderBaby Royal Tour, Western Edition, First Dispatch

May 23, 2006

Where to begin?

Which stories to tell? What news to relate? Which curse words to fling?

1) The birthday that began as day from hell (complete with crippling back pain and projectile cat vomit and near-confrontation with aging naked socialite at spa) but got better (lovely meal prepared by lovely husband) but then went hellish again (projectile husband vomit from over-indulgence in super-rich chocolate cake and/or secret Vietnamese lunch that he snuck in while I was at spa staring down saggy-titted Rosedale matrons)?

2) The flight westward? With Energizer-charged WonderBaby, now with EYES THAT DO NOT CLOSE, not even after endless hours without sleep? During which the so-not-helpful flight attendant commented, after observing WonderBaby’s amazing ability to sit up on floor near bulkhead with a soft book and hoot, loudly, FOR HOURS, that “it’s always the skinny finicky ones that develop most quickly.”?

Insert multiple curse words here.

(Am trying to train myself to minimize cursing. Am in presence of small children. And increasingly, freakishly, alert WonderBaby. Goddam.)

3) Our arrival in British Columbia’s beautiful Okanagan Valley? The lovely greeting from WonderBaby’s little cousins? Tanner’s query (oft-repeated) as to why his auntie wears glasses? And why auntie looks like Velma? And could she please take off her glasses and not look like Velma? For the record: a taller, blonder, thirty-something Velma. And could someone please explain to him, in terms that a six year old will understand, that this is a look that many a latter-day feminist hipster girl strives for?)

The long, difficult discussion on the drive home about where WonderBaby came from, exactly? (Auntie’s tummy. Why? Because she grew there. Why? Because that’s where babies grow. How did she get there? She, ahem, grew from a seed. How did the seed get there? Um… How did she get out? Um…)

From the cabbage patch, dudes. From the cabbage patch.

4) WonderBaby crawling? Backwards, but still. On hands and knees and MOVING.

I can’t do any of these stories justice in the five free minutes that I have right now. Especially without the cursing (cursing makes storytelling immeasurable faster and easier. A well-delivered what the fuck would summarize that my commentary on that flight attendant story quite nicely, thank you very much. But I’m cutting down.)

Saints preserve me. It’s going to be a long twelve days.

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    { 34 comments }

    bunmaster May 23, 2006 at 1:54 pm

    Oh you’ll have a great time – it’s the land of wine & grapes & sun isn’t it? Sorry to hear about the puking but nice to hear you got a loverly din-din.

    Doodles is doing the backwards fake crawl thing to. It is frightening & cute & frustrating for her & oh so friggin’ cute.

    Cursing makes everything better dude.

    Pattie May 23, 2006 at 1:59 pm

    Projectile cat and husband vomit? Oh, yuck…it can only go up from there…

    MrsFortune May 23, 2006 at 2:12 pm

    12 days! Ah, you are brave, but might I suggest now might not be the best time to cut out the cursing, knowhuddimean? That’d be like trying to quit smoking on new year’s eve. Swear on!

    Mrs. Davis May 23, 2006 at 2:31 pm

    Jinkies…I AM Velma! At least my six-year-old son seems to think I am the inspiration for that character. Glasses, dark hair, smarts. To a young boy, that is the essence of Velma.

    Yikes on that flight attendant. Do the skinny finicky ones also become running-off-at-the-mouth flight attendants? Or would that be the pudgy non-discriminating ones? Feh.

    Mrs. Chicky May 23, 2006 at 2:35 pm

    I try to save my swearing for my blog. That way I get it out of my system. Its not working yet, but I’m hopeful.

    I have one of those skinny finicky babies that sat up early. That flight attendant can suck my left one.

    macboudica May 23, 2006 at 2:50 pm

    I’ve been trying to cut down on cursing for 13 years now. I am beginning to realize it is a lost cause. Especially when stepping on a toy in the dark in the middle of the night or when carrying a full laundry basket from the basement to living room couch/folding station, where, at about the midway point, the little guys have set a trap–a matchbox toy airplane!– on the floor that you can’t see over the mound of clothes and step on right in the meaty arch of your bare foot so that full basket of clothes tumbles from your arms as you reach down to grab your throbbing foot and laundry is scattered from one end of the room to the other and the kids take the opportunity to start jumping in it and tossing it about. Nothing relieves the pain quite as effectively as a nice loud, straight from the gut, “GOOOOOOD DAAAAAAMN IIIIIIIIIT!”

    motherhooduncensored May 23, 2006 at 3:20 pm

    Um Holy Shit Balls, woman. CRAWLING? Wow. She’s a genius. And as always, very cute.

    Have a wonderbar trip.

    HomeFireBlue May 23, 2006 at 4:53 pm

    Don’t abandon the cursing! Don’t give in! Stay with us here … on the Dark Side.

    Wouldn’t it have been lovely to have had the mutant ability to cause all of the vomit to pass though a time/space portal and land on that bitch stewardess?

    That would’v'e ROCKED!

    -Blue

    Granny May 23, 2006 at 5:40 pm

    Love the backward crawl. We’ve had only one who accomplilshed it. Another did the move one leg, drag the other. Strange.

    MommyWithAttitude May 23, 2006 at 6:57 pm

    That’s funny! My kids are obsessed with Scooby Doo and they call me “Daphne.” The little angels.

    But my 4 year old son pretends HE’S Velma. My husband is like, “Should we be concerned?” And I told him maybe, but what good would it do anyway?

    I think I’m more concerned that the Little One likes to pretend he’s Shaggy. As I type this I’m wondering who’s idea was it to let them watch this show????

    Kristen May 23, 2006 at 9:20 pm

    I’m glad to see your trip is going so well…lol. I hope your (our) birthday treated you well!

    sweatpantsmom May 23, 2006 at 10:46 pm

    My Gawd you deserve a medal. I would have been down for the count at the first sign of projectile vomiting.

    (For the record, Velma was always the coolest, in my opinion.)

    chelle May 24, 2006 at 12:19 am

    hehe don’t you love family vacations!?!?!

    Mom101 May 24, 2006 at 1:36 am

    Happy birthday! Happy vacation! Happy crawling! Happy 70s-era sexually ambiguous cartoon character!

    lildb May 24, 2006 at 2:04 am

    I’m happy for you about the birthday, but bummed for you about the projectile nastiness. I’m happy for you about the adorably edible Wonderbabe’s newfound abilities, but nervous for you about the same. I am, most of all, curious as f*** about how you plan on handling the swears; I’m having abysmal luck holding back, myself.

    Have a wonderful time – and tell anyone who gets in your way to – um, to shove it in — um, to go jump in a lake. :p

    ninepounddictator May 24, 2006 at 2:34 am

    ha ha…man, it sounds like you’re having an eventful trip…

    I’ve learned that sometimes, like with your flight attendant, she probably meant well by what she said..

    Try to enjoy yourself! So beautiful there.

    Heather May 24, 2006 at 7:54 am

    I used to live out west. I truly miss it. Enjoy the mountains, take Wonderbaby for a hike or too. Eat cherries. Smell the fresh air. Enjoy your vacation!!!!

    Mamacita Tina May 24, 2006 at 8:44 am

    You’ve earned the Badge of Honor! Vomit, flying with baby, wow. Remember, breathe, breathe.

    Nancy May 24, 2006 at 9:19 am

    Crawling? And backwards? That’s some talent.

    Have a lovely trip, hopefully your days of projectile vomit and where-do-babies-come-from discussions are past.

    kittenpie May 24, 2006 at 9:28 am

    ack – traveling is hellacious with out offspring! I can’t imagine where you mustered up the inner fortitude or complete madness to take her on a trip. I am just not up to that, and pumpkinpie is TWO. So her one of her grandfathers (she has three – modern families and all) has never seen her, though he’s not the family type anyhow (cause for modern family as above), so he’s not sweating it.

    Mad though I think you may be, I hope it all goes smoothly as can be from now forwards!

    sunshine scribe May 24, 2006 at 10:19 am

    Hope the next twelve days see less vomit (and you are assured of less naked saggy rosedale matrons anyway).

    I love that he thinks you look like Velma!!

    And … crawling … so cute! Hooray for wonderbaby!

    Reject the Koolaid May 24, 2006 at 10:46 am

    Glad to hear you’re trying to cut down on the cursing.

    Good luck,

    Tearfree

    Jenn May 24, 2006 at 11:04 am

    What an adorable picture too.

    Have a great trip.

    Andrea May 24, 2006 at 12:10 pm

    First, slap that flight attendant for me, wouldja?

    Second, have a mojito. You’ve had vomit around you in the past week. You need a breather. Not to mention flying with a baby.

    Third, find a different spa. That’s just not relaxing.

    Fourth, prepare yourself for a wild ride with a crawling child. Hoorah!

    gingajoy May 24, 2006 at 1:40 pm

    fuck. don’t cut on the swearing! who else will make me look nun-like??? shit man.

    Christina May 24, 2006 at 4:16 pm

    Sounds like it’s already been a busy trip!

    And congrats on the crawling!!

    Annie, The Evil Queen May 25, 2006 at 1:27 am

    Good luck in your travels! I just returned from a tour of my own and, man, am I glad to be home. Nothing like sleeping in your own bed.

    And Yeah! for crawling! My son crawled backwards at first too. And always looked confused about being farther away from his toys.

    T. May 25, 2006 at 10:33 am

    The flight attendant needs a good slap. My babes were rolly polly chubbie bunnies and they developed quite nicely. I am counting on them to keep me in fine wine and fancy clothes when I am old and feeble.

    And the backwards crawling – that’s huge! Congrats. Woohoo. Watch her go now. Of course, she won’t get where she wants to go but she sure will have fun trying to get there!

    tania (urban_mommy) May 25, 2006 at 10:43 am

    Love the picture of Wonderbaby with her cousins – you know she’s thinkin’ “Who’s up for a race? Anyone? Anyone?”

    I’m counting the days back here, can’t wait to hear all the stories – each one epic I hope

    wordgirl May 25, 2006 at 11:22 pm

    Sorry about the marathon of vomit. That’ll take the sparkle off of any celebration. That and the saggy titted- matrons.

    Anonymous May 26, 2006 at 12:32 pm

    I have just found your blog through another Mom blog and just wanted to let you know that I love your writing, I have killing myself laughing at a few of your posts. Also, you and I share the same birthday and I have the exact same Baby Gap sailor dress for my daughter, who just turned a year. Anyways, not trying to be weird, just thought it was kind of funny.

    Take care, enjoy your trip, we live in BC (soon to be Ontario) and love the immense beauty of the province.

    mo-wo May 27, 2006 at 12:10 am

    good to hear from you. I hope it is a fun visiit.. at her age I am sure the wonderous one is quite intrigued by her cousins..

    Sorry to hear about the travel woes.. good luck on the next leg. aka, don’t worry about it. you are one tough cookie to even endeavour the solo royal tour, rest on your laurels for that and roll with it.

    stopping before I mix one more metaphor.

    something blue May 27, 2006 at 3:31 am

    Canada’s flight transportation sucks times 10. Worse than sucks.

    Yay for wonder of all wonders, the crawling WonderBaby! My ten month old only scoots. You know, the bum wiggle around to get a toy.

    Drink some of that tasty Okanagan Valley wine, relax and enjoy your time away.

    wolfbaby May 27, 2006 at 7:28 am

    congrats on the crawling!! good luck on the trip:) sounds like you got your hands full. Brave woman.

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