You’re so vain

May 6, 2006

*Edited below. I know; this is becoming a bad habit. But I am, after all, a Bad Mother, and I come as advertised…

In the frenzy of all the recent blogtardage, it was suggested to me that you can know that you’ve made it as a blogger when someone starts their own blog because of you and devotes part of that blog to talking about you. (And that’s my last word on it. The topic of blogtards and their exploits is officially over. And no, no linkage. Ov-aaah.)

Maybe that’s making it. Or not.

Maybe it was just your bad luck that week to have attracted the most attention-hungry blogtard. Could happen to anyone.

Better measures of ‘making it’ in the blogosphere are to have your own entry in Urban Dictionary, to be named the Mom-Blog Round-Up Queen of Everything, to be paid to blog, or to be named an honorary Mommyblogger. (So if anyone is looking for the real High Priestesses of the KoolAid cult, look to these eminent figures. I’m way down the ladder. Waaaay down. Don’t even know the secret handshake.)

(Is there a handshake?)

So, despite what you may have heard, you won’t find any blog’n'roll superstars here. Sorry. The blogosphere Star Maps are notoriously unreliable. This is home to WonderBaby, Future Ruler of the Known and Unknown Universe, aka Imperial Leader. If you’re looking for Amalah, Queen of Everything Including All Media Not Controlled By Dooce, you’re in the wrong ‘hood. The absence of security guards, paparazzi and screaming fans should have tipped you off.

But before you walk away, angrily stuffing that virtual Star Map back into your virtual fanny pack, lookie here.

We have a t-shirt. WE HAVE A T-SHIRT.

So we’re not entirely lacking in glitter and stardust chez Bad Mother. Some of the coolest chicks in the blogosphere thought that we were cool enough to warrant a t-shirt and lo and behold! A t-shirt there is! Immortalized in Cafe Press!

**Just to be clear… this t-shirt – the Her Bad Mother Tee – is the work of Christina and Kristen and all credit is due to them. It can be acquired from Christina’s CafePress shop, here. For the inspiration for the tee, see here.

(Christina – there’ve been requests for tank top version and baby/onesie version…)

Now when people ask you if you’ve been to Her Bad Mother’s blog, you can be all cool and nonchalant and toss your hair (if you have any left after post-partum shedding and grabby baby depilation) and say, oh, yeah, been there, done that, GOT THE T-SHIRT.

(What really tells you that you’ve made it, in the ways that matter most? The nicest, smartest, funniest bloggers in the blogosphere visit you and read your blog. That’s making it.)

(Flings cap in air.)

BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE!

My husband just walked in and asked what I was doing.

Me: Blogging.

Him: Are you blogging about how great it is to have sex with your husband?

Me: No.

You asked for that, dude. Sorry. But consider yourself lucky: if I were really to blog about our sex life you KNOW that your testicles would shrivel from the embarassment. It would be flattering, of course, and perhaps you would go down in history with the same kind of sexual fame that Kirstie Alley’s second husband, the Hardy Boy, no pun intended, attained. But dude? My mother and my sister and your sister and sometimes – gah – your mother and some of your colleagues and most of our friends and have I mentioned your mother? read this blog. So have I explained enough about the testicle-shrivelling embarassment that would attend the sex talk?

Good.

(Love you.)


AND EVEN MORE!

WonderBaby has a new hat:

Hat Girl in Repose

New hat courtesy of the Nana. We love the Nana.

AND STILL MORE! (when will it end oh god when will it END?!?!?)

In honour of Mrs. Fortune and her Brand New Cookie**

All together now…

**WonderBaby’s open letter to new blogger babies, originally composed for Boy Wonder, child of Urban_Mommy, should now also be read, with necessary modifications to the address, as an open letter to Jacob Paul. (This is a little bit Elton John of me, I know. But it’s good!) WonderBaby welcomes you to her empire, Jacob Paul! Go forward and dominate!

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    { 26 comments }

    krista May 6, 2006 at 11:45 am

    Well, people have been referring to you as HBM. You have your own acronym (and now a shirt!). I say that equates blog stardom. Plus I just blogrolled you, and I am way cool. Just kidding.

    See, as for myself, I am too busy posting about knitting and other crafty type endevours to be “in the know” with the mommy blog stars (except Kristen- total star and I lurve her) So, um, speaking of which- did Nana crochet that hat? Does she knit too? Where’s her blog at? It’s lovely.

    nonlineargirl May 6, 2006 at 12:02 pm

    Oh, if only Ada would put up with hats like Wonderbaby does! (currently she’ll wear hers for up to 15 minutes, but then, snatch, off they go.) I love that hat, very springy.

    I’m sure your superstar welcome packet is just held up in the mail.

    Jenn May 6, 2006 at 12:33 pm

    How on earth do you get Wonderbaby to tolerate all those hats? Mistress Mary has never allowed a hat to remain on her head for longer than, oh, a millisecond before ripping it off and tossing it across the room. And if it’s attached somehow, well…look out.

    T. May 6, 2006 at 12:48 pm

    I so want that pattern so I can make a hat like that for my kidlet. Mind you, she’s nine, and finally, at three, she grew hair. But that hat is beyond cool.

    As for the NetNazi’s or the Blogtards, I say shoo to them. You must have made the big league baby, the way they came out of the wood work for you.

    And loving the tee, by the way. But I am one of those bulbous headed lilliputians that keep coming back…

    motherhooduncensored May 6, 2006 at 4:26 pm

    You are a true gem. And for real. I have no trolls. Just people that try to tell me that I’m being mean to Mississippi.

    And as for Krista’s blog – it rocks – knitting my ass – there’s way more than that on there (and what you do see of the knitting is FABOO).

    People suck – and have no time. We love you – regardless of all the big words and 2000.7 links you post.

    And please don’t buy a shirt – yours is on me. I get paid to write you know. :) ha.

    Dawn May 6, 2006 at 6:46 pm

    I’m late to this party, but I like you just fine.

    lildb May 6, 2006 at 7:53 pm

    I keep running into you on other blogs, and I keep thinking, who is this lady who brings the funny like nobody’s bus-nass? And now that I know, I’m sad to have missed the Blogtard Smackdown 2006. Although it is best to let those bastards die off through being ignored, because when they realize they’re just talking to themselves, they stop talking (I would hope). I would’ve defended you to the last little word, though, HBM. Truly. In the meantime, keep it up, fancy lady. Your star is about to land way, way up yonder. Try not to forget all the little people when you land… ;)

    Granny May 6, 2006 at 8:10 pm

    Love the t-shirt, I think. I’m ashamed to admist that even with my bifocals and squinting I can’t read the two words in the middle.

    Maybe I can enlarge it more.

    For what it’s worth, that yoyo gained you at least one new reader.

    Ann

    Pattie May 6, 2006 at 8:28 pm

    Great t-shirts!
    You’ve definately “made it” in my humble opinion…

    sweatpantsmom May 6, 2006 at 9:25 pm

    Sheesh. I’m a first-timer to your blog so am just getting caught up with all the mud that was slung your way.

    Sad that there are people so unhappy with themselves that they have to crap all over someone else’s lawn.

    I, for one think you’re a wonderful writer. Keep up the good work.

    (and thanks for visiting my blog!)

    something blue May 6, 2006 at 9:33 pm

    If you see me strolling down Bloor Street with my HBM Tee on, make sure you stop me and say hi!

    I am loving WonderBaby’s new hat from Nana! Not to mention her fabulous sweater. I love babies in sweaters.

    Christina May 6, 2006 at 11:39 pm

    You’re right up there on my list of Cool Blog Stars.

    Besides, I’ll bet Dooce wouldn’t even respond to my comments in her blog, or come visit mine. She’s too superstar for us little bloggers. I’ll keep my favorite blog stars where I can drink with them, and I sure don’t think I’m going to be drinking with Dooce at Blogher.

    Kristen May 7, 2006 at 12:14 am

    I love the new hat! Leah calls my mom (her grandma) Nana, too!

    Also, I love that you said making it is having wonderful people around you, reading your blog.

    Janice May 7, 2006 at 1:33 am

    Hi,

    Good post, was it okay that I snickered all the way through it?

    I loved the hat from Nana.

    Janice~

    Mom101 May 7, 2006 at 10:12 am

    I just smiled right through this entire post. From blogtardation to new hats, shriveled testicles, and the brilliant Parker Stevenson reference. Thanks for a Sunday morning giggle.

    kittenpie May 7, 2006 at 10:59 am

    Love the letter. And the hat. And the T-shirt! And of course, your cutiepie.

    And how very boy of your husband. “Is it all about me and my penis?” They do make me laugh, men do.

    ninepounddictator May 7, 2006 at 1:38 pm

    Hey, I know you just started with this T-shirt thing. But can you make tank tops???? I’m a tank top kind of girl (I’ll buy three!)

    And you should make some for babies too!!!

    In fact, you really could start a buisness…(or at least some extra cash!)

    Personally, I think you’ve made it in the blogosphere if you “connect” with others. And that you have..

    But I will go to cafe press and buy one for sure tonight.

    Must support mommy bloggers! (And, also, my friends…and you are a bloggiefriend, right?)

    sunshine scribe May 7, 2006 at 3:00 pm

    I can’t help but be distracted by Wonderbaby in her hat. Seriously this child must become a hat model of some sort. She is killing me with her cuteness :)

    I love the t-shirts off to buy one too. And like Something Blue, do stop me if you catch me wearing it.

    Rebecca from Ninepounddictator is right – you’ve really connected with many bloggers through HBM and thats really making it my bloggy friend.

    mama_tulip May 7, 2006 at 5:40 pm

    Seriously, I love the term “blogtard”. I mean, it just doesn’t get any better than that.

    Her Bad Mother May 7, 2006 at 5:46 pm

    Snickers more than welcome.

    As I noted in the edited note, the t-shirts are courtesy of Christina and Kristen, and are available through Christina’s store (and yes! how great they are!) So maybe Christina will arrange for some tank and onesie versions…

    The hat was purchased in Ottawa, I believe. I don’t think that Nana knitted it, but I could be wrong. I’ll check.

    And how do the hats stay on? Crazy glue.

    Izzy May 8, 2006 at 12:36 am

    If you’re looking for Amalah, Queen of Everything Including All Media Not Controlled By Dooce, you’re in the wrong ‘hood.

    LMAO…stop making me spit shit all over my keyboard and monitor. It’s getting kind of expensive.

    Nancy May 8, 2006 at 1:23 am

    I don’t know, I think you’re up there in blog recognition land, at least in my little corner of it. I have been throwing around the HBM acronym, just casually in conversation here and there because it sounds so cool. And people who don’t blog have no f-ing clue what I’m talking about, which is a bonus.

    Love the Nana hat. My Nana would have probably made a hat like that back in the day.

    Anonymous May 8, 2006 at 9:21 pm

    Um…..WOW. You have taken off in leaps and bounds haven’t you? It has, admittedly, been a little while since I have put in an appearance here. (Well, anywhere for that matter) but I am glad to see you have reached the lofty heights of troll-accosted-dom. Congrats. I, however (thankfully) have yet to reach such status. I think it may have something to do with the tame and non-thought-provoking and therefore non-brain-arousing aspect of most of my posts but you never really know.

    NattyChick May 8, 2006 at 9:22 pm

    Um, that was me by the way. Didn’t get the option before to put in my name/site/identity etc but that just may have been cause I was too impatient dammit.

    Marla May 8, 2006 at 11:36 pm

    The thing about husbands and blogs? They start suspecting that you’re doing things just for the blog. Then, when you refer to your friends, they ask if they’re your real friends or your “blog” friends (with the finger quotes. I hate the finger quotes.) Then, they start to audition for the blog. You’re having a conversation with the husband, and then he says “You can use that one.” Once he starts doing that, it’s time to get him his own blog.

    Anonymous December 15, 2007 at 6:56 pm

    i just wanted to know if someone knnow where i can find agood letter or poem to send to a bad mother that left her three children

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