WTF Wednesday: Special Thursday Edition

August 3, 2006

Things are backed up here again. Blogstipation. A whole lotta blog fodder has been going in and I’m having trouble getting it out.

To wit, my blog to-do list:

1) A post on fear: why, when asked by Leah during my AlphaMom interview, if there was any question to which I’d been searching an answer, I responded, “why is motherhood so terrifying?” (alternate title: Why I Stood Up in Front of 700+ Women at BlogHer and said Hello, My Name is Her Bad Mother and I Find Motherhood Terrifying and Could You Please Help Me, Arianna Huffington?)

2) A post on why becoming a parent is like joining a secret club, and why that’s not a bad thing.

3) The post that I have been struggling with for weeks, but feel ready to complete now having discussed it with Mary this past weekend, on babies and eros.

4) A post on being a mother and writer, inspired by my conversations with Liz and her post on same.

5) A post, further to #4, on how and why writing motherhood is a radical act, regardless of whether the term ‘mommy’ is ever used in that exercise.

6) A post on whether or not the presence of Weight-Watchers promotions, diet (ass) water and Tool Time girls at a conference that empowers women is at all ironic. This post, however, is unnecessary now that the brilliant I, Asshole has addressed the issue, and so should really be a post on why you should all read I, Asshole. (Thank you, Sweetney, for the heads-up.)

7) You should also read I, Asshole for her post on BlogHer haters. Because it’s perfect. I love her.

8) A post on blog gangs, and a reflection on why the breakfast waiter at the Hyatt felt compelled to warn Liz, Christina and I that the windows in that room were not, and I quote, “bulletproof.”

9) A reflection on the lesson in post-structuralism that I received from a burrito jockey in the food court at O’Hare airport.

10) An ode to my husband, on the occasion of his birthday. Because he deserves more than a litre of duty-free Grey Goose vodka to mark that occasion, and because I am too tired to wrap my saggy self in Saran Wrap and play Poke the Leftovers.

11) Maybe something about WonderBaby. Just to maintain my mommyblogger bona fides. Wouldn’t want to have my membership revoked.

Yeah.

It’s going to take a week or so to push these babies out. In the meantime, I offer you this exciting news:
You could be the next Pussycat Doll OMG!!!
I received, inexplicably, the following announcement in my e-mail yesterday:
NATIONWIDE CASTING STARTS IMMEDIATELY ON THE CW’S FIRST NEW REALITY SHOW, THE SEARCH FOR THE NEXT PUSSYCAT DOLL.
I know. I can hardly stand it. But lest you assume that this is just all so much exploitative slut-mongering, consider the following:
“The Search for the Next Pussycat Doll (working title) features a group of diverse young women from all walks of life, who will learn to express their femininity with both confidence and poise through performance, and discover that in every woman there’s a Pussycat Doll.”
It’s a confidence booster, people. Like learning to pole-dance. Every woman – not girls, women – needs to have her confidence boosted. Because how else are you going to discover the Pussycat Doll in you?
Really.

Cuz, me, I know my doll. She came out this weekend. She slapped pasties on her engorged breastses and gloried in being a woman, stretch-marked, stretched-out and stitched-up. Grown-up and flawed and beautiful. And she weren’t no fucking Pussycat. That doll celebrated and lampooned and celebrated celebrated celebrated her woman-ness in all of its happy terrible messy glory, because that doll understands the difference between confidence – sexual or otherwise – and desperation. That doll’s no pussycat.

Breathe.

I don’t want my daughter to grow up in a world where ex-burlesque-troop-pop-tarts are objects of aspiration. I don’t want my daughter to confuse self-exploitation for confidence. I don’t want her to be a Pussycat.

I want her to be a tiger.

(And, no, not tigers as understood by Britney-fucking-Spears.)

What immortal hand or eye/Hath crafted thy vile pole-etry?

(I just harshed the flow of my own post with a totally unnecessary and yet totally unavoidable nod to Britney Spears and pole-dancing.)

(See? BLOGSTIPATION. I bring it on myself.)

(Need a drink now.)

Step off, Pussies. I bite.

PS We’re crying it out in the Basement today…
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    { 47 comments }

    kittenpie August 3, 2006 at 5:31 pm

    Yes on the whole Pussycat Dolls things, yes. I hate that this is the crap being sold to little girls. Like they won’t want to get into exploring that stuff as teenagers already, which is terrifying enough.

    I feel like perhaps I will be the only prudish hold-out mom on the block who won’t let her little eight-year-old girl dress like a whore, but for this reason, I put my foot down.

    IN fact, I had to get an extra bathing suit for daycare and, summer stock being so ovah in stores, I bought a horrid seventies-looking thing because it was the ONLY one-piece in her size I could find and I am totally against bikinis on little kids. Sounds funny, right? But consider the purpose of the bikini’s form. To cover yet suggest the primary sex characteristics of a nubile woman. I am repulsed by the idea of making that suggestion about a little kid. It fully creeps me out.

    (sorry for the slightly off topic rant… didn’t mean to take off with your comments!)

    Chase August 3, 2006 at 5:34 pm

    WTF with the bulletproof windows thing?? Yikes!

    I tried to leave you a big, fat, ‘I-totally-love-you’ comment yesterday, but as soon as I tried, my internet went down. Then I wept.

    So I’ll just make it short and sweet with this:

    It was soooooooo very nice to meet you. And I DO totally love you. And in Chicago, we’ll have to spend more time together.

    I’ll bring the pasrties if you bring the pasties.

    Chase August 3, 2006 at 5:35 pm

    Shit. I mucked that post up, too. I’ll bring the pastries if you bring the pasties.

    Yeah, nevermind. I still need to recover.

    Mocha August 3, 2006 at 5:39 pm

    What. the fuck?

    I wasted precious little time NOT getting to know you.
    I came home and read as many people as I could (that was about 320 in 2 days)
    I have JUST NOW read this post and want to beg and plead for you to be my new best friend. Many are called. Few are chosen.

    That’s not true. Few actually agree. I’m a wee bit of a nutcase.

    But I love you.

    Piece of Work August 3, 2006 at 5:41 pm

    Did you see Red Stapler’s post about the Be Jane ladies? Awesome.

    Paris Hilton August 3, 2006 at 6:13 pm

    Oh boy. Those posts look absolutely delicious.

    And thanks for the casting call. I’ll be practicing my pole dancing later. Do you think they’ll consider a preggo?

    mothergoosemouse August 3, 2006 at 6:42 pm

    Loved the links to I, Asshole. Looking forward to all of your upcoming blog movements.

    Christina August 3, 2006 at 6:50 pm

    Yeah, I think the waiter recognized us for the superstars we are and wanted to make sure we weren’t going to have some blogging Kennedy assassination going on.

    And the Pussycat Dolls totally found you from Flickr – those pasties pics must have done the trick.

    Mrs. Chicky August 3, 2006 at 7:32 pm

    Being a pussycat doll is not such a good thing, huh? I guess I should put my Wonderbra and chicken cutlets back in the deepest recesses of my bureau. But I’m still keeping my pole in the basement.

    Lisa b August 3, 2006 at 8:57 pm

    I am also looking forward to hearing about the non-bullet-proof glass. wtf? scary
    I love I,Asshole
    thanks for the link

    bubandpie August 3, 2006 at 9:23 pm

    Is that a new smile for WonderBaby? It’s so fun at this age, when they start coming up with new expressions every day (that glint in her eye looks just a wee bit glintier than before – be very afraid).

    I know you haven’t actually asked us to vote for our favourite posts, and that you plan to do them all, but I am irresistibly compelled to vote anyway! I’ve been waiting eagerly for the fear post, simply because it had never occurred to me that there was such a thing as parenting without fear. And we’ve been waiting for a long time for a good, long post about HAH. I can’t wait!

    penelopeto August 3, 2006 at 9:49 pm

    you are indeed radical. looking forward to the *ahem* eros post. i’d write about it myself, but these days – short post!

    good god, wonderbaby has the best freakin wardrobe!

    Mom101 August 3, 2006 at 10:49 pm

    I love you and await each and every one of these 11 posts. I still regret not flashing just one little gang sign out the restaurant window, just to see what would happen. and that I, Asshole post? Brillllliant (said with a pretentious trilled l). Thanks for the link.

    Dawn August 3, 2006 at 10:50 pm

    I am moving to Toronto and living with you. Tell your husband to make me a room.

    Cause you – fucking – rock.

    sweetney August 3, 2006 at 11:06 pm

    your version of blogstipation is awfully chatty. heh.

    Mary Tsao August 3, 2006 at 11:10 pm

    Ya, what Tracey said. I’m so blogstipated, I can’t even formulate an original comment. Gah.

    creative-Type Dad (Tony) August 4, 2006 at 2:03 am

    O.k…as a guy I think the Pussycat Dolls are pretty hot.

    But uh, now they’re pop stars for kids? I don’t think so. That’s just wrong.

    Michele August 4, 2006 at 8:33 am

    Anxiously awaiting all of these promised posts.

    Chronic blogstipation sufferer here.

    Pattie August 4, 2006 at 9:37 am

    Wow, so much to write about! I am waiting to hear the follow-ups to all these wonderful ideas…oh, and Wonderbaby looks so cute in her little animal print shirt.

    Jezer August 4, 2006 at 10:15 am

    I think I have IBS–Irritable Blog Syndrome…I never know if I’ll wake up with constipation or diarrhea.

    Parenthood IS a secret club, and childbirth/adoption is the portal to the other side, kind of like a red pill/blue pill moment (could this sentence have BEEN any more horribly constructed?). I almost feel compelled to greet new parents with “welcome to the other side, suckahs.”

    MetroDad August 4, 2006 at 10:22 am

    As always, HBM, you rock. I love the way your mind works and I cannot wait to read all these upcoming posts. It’s like a sneak preview of all your favorite summer films. Don’t keep us in suspense any longer. Crank them out fast, please!

    As for the Pussycat Dolls? Ugh…can they please finish up their 15 minutes of fame and disappear into the void?

    Jaelithe August 4, 2006 at 10:29 am

    Can I just say? I love your blog to-do lists, because I suffer from a combination of lofty blogging aspirations and chronic blogstipation myself and it makes me feel like I’m not alone ;)

    Also, “Step off pussies. I bite”? Is the best caption I have seen in six months.

    Also, and I have been meaning to say this for a while, HOW IS IT HUMANLY POSSIBLE FOR A CHILD TO HAVE SUCH ADORABLE EYES? Wonderbaby has the cutest eyes I have ever seen on a baby, ever! (Although my son still has the cutest everything else. Of course).

    Queen of Spain August 4, 2006 at 11:43 am

    Yes on everything.

    And my brain is still melting. Too much to say since San Jose.

    Meghan August 4, 2006 at 11:52 am

    My phoenix has yet to rise from the BlogHer ashes. You write more eloquently than i speak. I did love meeting you at the brain fry that was BlogHer. And I look forward to reading more from you. Your baby is freaking adorable too.

    jess August 4, 2006 at 11:54 am

    Thanks so much for the I, Asshole links. I’m looking forward to your posts!

    Laural Dawn August 4, 2006 at 12:05 pm

    I can’t tell you how hard I laughed at the Pussycat Doll thing.
    The best part is that I have an ongoing joke with my sister and friend and we call each other the PCD (Pussycat dolls) after joking about a pole dancing class. (the irony being that we all met in Sunday School!)
    Wow.
    What a society.

    mrsmogul August 4, 2006 at 2:15 pm

    Step off pussies I bite should be a baby tee slogan!

    I’ll start sewing now.

    I’m blogstipated too. Really need some energy drink to unplug it all :)

    Lena August 4, 2006 at 4:00 pm

    Please post anyway on the stupid ass WW reminders and the “Cervix” water. They may as well have had Lysol to remind us to “wash our dainties” lest our men be displeased.

    You, Mom-101, and Mir. I’d buy that CD all day long.

    mamatulip August 4, 2006 at 5:55 pm

    I love the shirt WonderBaby has on. And I can’t wait to read these posts you’re talking about. Giddyup!

    SJ August 4, 2006 at 6:00 pm

    Thanks so much for the nice shout-out, and I love that little sweetie pie leopard shirt! Yow!

    mo-wo August 4, 2006 at 6:48 pm

    She’s grrrreat! I’m in for the #5 post especially and the attendant symposium.

    tallulah August 4, 2006 at 7:01 pm

    “Wrap my saggy self in saran wrap and play poke the leftovers?” Now THAT is funny.

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    Haley-O August 4, 2006 at 11:04 pm

    Oy, I love the onsie!

    All your post “poops” sound terrific. I must keep coming back to read what you have to say as you relieve your blogstipation!

    Angel Baby August 4, 2006 at 11:26 pm

    Who even LIKES the dolls? I can’t imagine who would try out for that job.

    I just checked out the basement and was intrigued… what an awesome idea!!!

    Lady M August 4, 2006 at 11:52 pm

    I cannot wait for the post on the secret club of parents.

    Pussycat Dolls? Annoying, but far worse are the little girl dance troups dressed up the same way. I rehearse my troupe (adults dancing ballroom, not pole) at a studio that has lots of little girls, and thankfully it really seems like an age-appropropriate set-up. I see costumes of jungle animals, cowgirls, characters from nursery rhymes . . . good stuff for kids!

    I don’t think I could re-visit a place where the twelve-year-olds are dancing to Don’t Cha. No really, I’ve seen it.

    Krisco August 5, 2006 at 1:43 am

    Her Bad Mama,
    Reading your post is just like talking to you! Thoughtful, intelligent, funny insights, all at once! How do you do it!

    Can’t wait for all those posts. (Or is this it?: )

    melissa b. August 5, 2006 at 3:12 am

    Dearest Bad Mother,

    I love you. And your daughter’s little outfit? Rowr.

    Affectionately,
    Melissa

    Izzy August 5, 2006 at 3:23 am

    I don’t want my daughter to grow up in a world where ex-burlesque-troop-pop-tarts are objects of aspiration. I don’t want my daughter to confuse self-exploitation for confidence. I don’t want her to be a Pussycat.

    Thank you! You GET it!

    Whilst I have felt somewhat misunderstood on the whole tarty slut softporn magazine thing, it feels good to know that someone understands what I was fighting for (re: above italicized statement).

    Can’t wait for your blogstipation to pass. Sounds like some really good shit (har har) will be forthcoming :)

    Jenny August 5, 2006 at 7:48 am

    Hee. We must be related…I wrote about STD-ridden tarts today too.

    “Step off, Pussies. I bite.”

    Love it!

    metro mama August 5, 2006 at 1:13 pm

    Lots of good stuff to look forward to!

    Love your little tiger.

    krista August 5, 2006 at 6:08 pm

    I loved Wonderbaby posts, but you know, if those aint coming to ya, you can always just show us pictures randomly while you reflect on the lesson in post-structuralism that you received from a burrito jockey in the food court at O’Hare airport.

    Plently of pictures will ensure your membership won’t be revoked.

    TB August 5, 2006 at 7:26 pm

    I would love to read post #1. It’s something that I am forced to consider every single month as we try to have a child. Most people don’t have to put this much thought into it. I’d love to read the perspective of someone who’s already a mother.

    Mama C-ta August 5, 2006 at 11:49 pm

    I’d love to leave a great comment but I’m off to work on my Pussycat routine!!

    Her Bad Mother August 5, 2006 at 11:54 pm

    You come up with a Pussycat routine, Mama-C-ta, and live blog it (or post the video to You Tube), and I will personally arrange for a very special Dance Event to be performed especially FOR YOU by the It’s Not Easy Being Green Dancers.

    sunshine scribe August 6, 2006 at 7:39 am

    What a formidible blog to do list. I wait with much anticipation my friend :)

    And, um, pussycat dolls?!?! I couldn’t be more grateful to be a mother of a boy some times. (shaking head like a fuddy duddy old lady)

    P.S. Missed ya like crazy!

    lildb August 6, 2006 at 10:50 pm

    those are going to be some darn fine posts. I await with bated breath thy fine verbal symmetry.

    tyger.

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