More evidence that the gods have it in for me…

October 22, 2006

Edit: WonderBaby update, below

You know how it goes.

The weekend starts out lovely – say, you and your husband realize that the planets are in such proper alignment that it is finally possible to celebrate your tenth anniversary, a month after the fact – and it’s all going swimmingly – you put on a new dress and go out for dinner and have martinis and oysters and lobster sous vide and multiple glasses of Chateau de Quantin – until later that night when the baby wakes up with a holler and disrupts your boozy sleep and sets you on an insomnia spin until 6 in the morning when she wakes again, all pink-cheeked and warm to the touch and dripping with snot and mad as hell that she has been compromised in her robustness and this continues through the afternoon when you discover that she has a disturbing rash across her abdomen that spreads as you watch and so you call the hospital and are given the distinctly unreassuring advice to just watch her, it *probably* isn’t an emergency but you’ll want to bring in to the doctor first thing tomorrow and do watch her because if anything changes you will want to bring her in yada yada blah and so you spend the rest of the day peering at her belly and monitoring the rash and feeling her forehead and periodically subjecting her to the indignity of the rectal thermometer and generally fretting about whether or not the fact that she is not running means that she is, in WonderBaby terms, lethargic and you make yourself crazy and you know that you’re going to remain crazy and unsettled and anxiously insomniac until you get to the doctor tomorrow.

You cling to the hope that, maybe, if you’re lucky, the hangover will pass before then and that maybe you’ll get some sleep and that you’ll feel strong and capable and in control in the morning.

(Except that, um, you? Lucky? HA.)

Just a few more days in the life of a kick-toy of the gods. You know how it goes.

I’ll be incommunicado until we get some sort of all-clear from the doctor, and I get some sleep. In the meantime, you might consider amusing yourselves, and me – I need a laugh, or at least a weak chortle – by playing WTF: The Guessing Game! with this object:

It is not, I hasten to assure you and very possibly disappoint you, a sex toy. (In any case, you think that I would risk provoking the gods further by waving phalluses about, do you? It’s usually what gets me into trouble in the first place.) But don’t let that stop your imagination from running wild.

Help a girl out. I need a laugh.


WonderBaby Update (and secrets of C3P0′s penis revealed!):

So, we’ve been to the doctor, and the doctors don’t know squat. The rash comes and goes – appears and disappears – which makes it seem like hives, except that it doesn’t provoke any itching or discomfort. So they can’t diagnose hives. And the fever was brief and hasn’t returned, so they don’t think that it’s roseola. And WonderBaby now seems healthy, except for the rash that has been coming and going, so they can’t say for certain that it’s viral. Could be a mysterious allergy, could be a mysterious virus. They don’t know. What they do know is that she kicked the asses of two separate doctors – wrenching various medical devices from unsuspecting medical hands and turning the medical tables (‘how’d you like a knobby thing in *your* ear, doc?’) on unsuspecting medical persons – and took off down the hall and that means, apparently, that she is likely in good health. ‘Just keep an eye on her.’ Oh, uh, OKAY.

I expect that I will be stressed for as many days as it takes for her to return to normal. Oh, hey, wait! What the fuck is normal?

Thank god for modern medicine.

And thank you all so much for keeping me laughing through the stress. Now it can be revealed: the strange plastic thingamajig that resembled, apparently, among other things, C3P0′s penis, is in fact this:

Yes, Graham, it is indeed a Banana Bunker. The better way to keep fruit interesting.

Regularly scheduled blogging will resume shortly.

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    s@bd October 22, 2006 at 9:54 pm

    errrmmmm …

    if it’s not a sex toy i have no idea.

    Graham October 22, 2006 at 10:12 pm

    Banana Guard? A la , although yours is fancier.

    metro mama October 22, 2006 at 10:17 pm

    Is it a tool for delicately sucking the snot out of a snotty babe’s nose, instead of the more primative snot-sucking manoever a certain bad mother I know has resorted to in the past?

    I hope everything is OK and you can get some sleep soon. Did you try Telehealth for a second opinion? Web MD?

    Thinking about you. Julie

    Mocha October 22, 2006 at 10:32 pm

    I’m sorry, but I have no freaking clue what it is, but you can get a giggle out of the fact that HOT TEA squirted out of my nose when I saw it. Then, I got a little turned on.


    So, maybe it’s a golden carburator.

    Plain Jane Mom October 22, 2006 at 11:00 pm

    My first thought about the kid waking you up was: vomiting. Gross. But I’m sorry about the rash! I hope it all goes well tomorrow!

    Also, I knew it was a banana keeper thing, but I’m w/ Mocha. WHY isn’t it a sex toy??

    Lady M October 22, 2006 at 11:33 pm

    It looks like the drawer pull to a cabinet. I suppose it could be an ancient Egyptian bug god. That would make it more interesting.

    I hope you and WonderBaby feel better soon!

    something blue October 22, 2006 at 11:42 pm

    Sorry to hear that WonderBaby is causing worry. I’m hoping that everyone gets plenty of sleep tonight and feels much better tomorrow.

    We have the exact same Christmas Tree ornaments. *wink, wink*

    ephelba October 22, 2006 at 11:49 pm

    Lasy M is right, it Totally looks like a golden pill-bug idol.
    If not that, maybe something you play in a zydeco band for queens?
    Hope the baby gets better quick!

    Karen Rani October 23, 2006 at 12:42 am

    Oh I do hope baby is alright and on the mend tout suite! Glad you got out the celebrate, and Happy 10th!
    I will give you a dingle next week and hopefully we can get our party started – I’m finally on the mend myself, I think.

    scribbit October 23, 2006 at 12:57 am

    A pickle juicer?

    Lena October 23, 2006 at 1:02 am

    Your first husband’s thumb bronzed?

    jen October 23, 2006 at 3:00 am

    you found it! do they know? the famous ancient mystic tibetan seer who lost his gold nose stud and then discovered it was being auctioned off on ebay for 1.2M. i understand it has all sorts of magical powers – including the inducing of multiple orgasms, green thumbery (no, those two are NOT the same) and wait for it….well baby magic dust.

    or at least I desperately hope so…poor you and WB. I hope she is on the mend…and hugs to you.

    ewe are here October 23, 2006 at 3:48 am

    Art gone very very wrong?

    I’m very sorry to hear about Wonderbaby’s illness; it’s so hard when our little ones don’t feel well and there’s not much we can do to fix it. I hope she’ll be back to her energetic self in no time

    Papa Bradstein October 23, 2006 at 6:37 am

    To paraphrase Ani, every tool is a sex toy, if you hold it right.

    Waya October 23, 2006 at 8:46 am

    I hope everything will be fine with WonderBaby. I just made two doctors’ appmts for me and my little girl. We’ve had this nasty hacking cough for over a week now. Hope it’s not walking pneumonia or something.

    As for that interesting looking toy, my 3 year old saw the picture and he said “what’s that Mommy? A banana?” so there you have it, a golden banana.

    K October 23, 2006 at 9:09 am

    A butt plug?
    A Christmas Tree ornament?
    A gold tooth for an elephant?

    penelopeto October 23, 2006 at 9:29 am

    why do men name their penises?

    because they don’t want a stranger making all their decisions for them.

    laughing yet?

    hope you are all feeling better soon. this is precisely why i am afraid to get drunk. hubby seems to harbour no such fears.

    PunditMom October 23, 2006 at 10:02 am

    It’s a ceremonial Egyptian cicada tomb. To be placed lovingly next to the pharoah with all the other gold and his slew of servants for his journey ‘cross the River Styx. Why? Hell if I know!

    I hope WonderBaby (and you) are doing OK.

    mothergoosemouse October 23, 2006 at 10:17 am

    Oooooh, what a lovely dinner! I’m glad you had the opportunity to go out and celebrate in fine fashion.

    Looking forward to an all-clear. My girls’ behavior has always been the best indicator of their state of health, and it sounds like the same is true for WonderBaby. May the lethargy abate and the running resume.

    And that thing? Is a turkey baster. Albeit a rather phallic shaped one. Which could still be used as a sex toy in times of desperation.

    TB October 23, 2006 at 10:18 am

    It looks like a pill that would make you feel a LOT better or possibly a really fancy hot dog holder.

    Hope the rash isn’t serious.

    crazymumma October 23, 2006 at 11:10 am

    It is the bionic alien podseed from whence Wonderbaby sprung…..

    Hope she feels better. Kids get so many rashes. Let us know….

    A kick toy for the gods…you are hilarious!

    sunshine scribe October 23, 2006 at 11:20 am

    Oh I hope Wonderbaby is allright soon. Thinking of you both.

    Is that CP3O’s penis??

    MotherBumper October 23, 2006 at 11:29 am

    Hey you found the missing part of my bong. Thanks mon.

    I hope WB is feeling better really soon. Take care of the both of you and give WB a hug from me and the Bumper.

    Denzylle October 23, 2006 at 12:00 pm

    You didn’t mention the M word but, if you’re at all worried about meningitis, do use the glass test to see whether the rash disappears when pressure is applied.

    MrsFortune October 23, 2006 at 12:06 pm

    Wow, everyone else’s comments have me in tears over here.

    But I think it is ACTUALLY a mattress for one of those roly poly bugs.

    Joker The Lurcher October 23, 2006 at 12:43 pm

    its obviously for keeping a dog biscuit in, silly! hope the little one feels nbetter soon – that sort of stuff is so scary. thinking of you.

    Oh, The Joys October 23, 2006 at 2:14 pm

    I’m pretty sure “banana keeper” is euphemism for “sex toy”. Yeah, pretty sure.

    Christina October 23, 2006 at 2:19 pm

    Poor Wonderbaby! With the rash spreading from the abdomen, it sounds like she has roseola, which while scary to look at, is generally harmless and just annoying. Cordy had roseola. Hopefully that’s all it is.

    As for what that thing is, I’m going to say Christmas tree ornament, although several other naughty responses came to mind, too.

    GIRL'S GONE CHILD October 23, 2006 at 2:43 pm

    A knight’s tail? Er, poop? A knight’s poop?

    Hope wonderbaby is better. We’ve had a sick one up in here for the past two weeks. Solidarity, sister.

    Mamalooper October 23, 2006 at 3:43 pm

    I was thinking roseola too. Monkeygirl had it and it is pretty straightforward and common and harmless.

    Let us know how WB is doing!

    nomotherearth October 23, 2006 at 4:17 pm

    I don’t think that I can top Sunshine Scribe’s guess! I had a clever guess in my head, and that C3PO image totally wiped it out.

    Hope the WonderBaby (and you!) feel better soon!

    Mommy off the Record October 23, 2006 at 4:52 pm

    Sunshine Scribe said C3PO’s penis! LOLLOLOL I’m going with that one too.

    Hope Wonderbaby is OK.

    Heather October 23, 2006 at 5:36 pm

    With no size reference it’s tough to tell, if it would fit in your hand it is a brass wedding keg tapper, I’m sure the initals and a little shotgun are enrgraved on the other side.

    If it’s bigger than your hand then it is Ik^a Gamutlikitenfeffer toilet paper dispenser, but the picture is sideways, you mount it in the wall and fill it with TP which you pull sheet by sheet from the whole in the bottom {or here, right hand side}.

    Lydia October 23, 2006 at 5:44 pm

    A whistle. for either a large or small person.

    Or not. Hope WB feels better soon!!!

    Melissa October 23, 2006 at 5:51 pm

    Sorry about the rash, not running in Wonder Baby would worry me too. I hope it’s nothing to bad. Did she get shots recently?

    Um the thing…a pickle holder?

    Jezer October 23, 2006 at 6:54 pm

    A primitive, yet golden squeeze-box?

    Also, I’m with Christina and putting my money on roseola.

    Hope WB is back to hooting soon.

    Crankmama October 23, 2006 at 8:30 pm

    Sorry — no clever ideas here…
    but I do hope you get resolution on the WB situation soon.

    What a drag that it happened on anniversary night.


    Dana October 23, 2006 at 8:46 pm

    OH dear! I hope that everything gets better with WonderBaby and the Rash…that’s always scary when you’re not sure what’s wrong or what to do. I know I always freaked out a little too much when Dawson was sick.

    Nancy October 23, 2006 at 9:00 pm

    Looks like some sort of phallic straw. You know, the bendy kind. Maybe it’s so wide so you can drink extra thick shakes through it? (boy, that would be a sight.)

    Hope you and Wonder Baby are well on the road to recovery by now. Take care, my friend.

    Karianna October 23, 2006 at 10:45 pm

    If not one of the cool things others have mentioned, I think it is a liquor pourer. Liquor=something you need right about now. (Or “lick her.” Take your pick.)

    Chichimama October 24, 2006 at 7:40 am

    Hope Wonder Baby feels better soon. My kids are the king and queen of random rash. And we tend to get the same response. “See that kid doing laps around the office? Yeah. That’s not a sick kid. Call us when they start, you know, acting sick.”

    On the upside, the rash issues seem to have disappered on both kids around the age of 18 months…

    Did you change detergents by any chance? Not that it explains the fever, but the fever COULD be totally unrelated. Detergents were always an issue with us.

    IAI October 24, 2006 at 8:06 am

    They make condoms for bananas? Interesting. I think that’s outlawed here in Calcutta, USA … along with non-missionary style sex.

    Is it possible the fever and the rash are unrelated and just coincidental? Odd, but possible, right?

    Mary P. October 24, 2006 at 9:49 am

    Hey! No more squashed bananas in the bottom of my kids’ backpacks. Brilliant! Except it wouldn’t work because they’re all old enough to refuse to tote one because it looks like what it’s not.

    Mamafied October 24, 2006 at 10:02 am

    A banana bunker?! huh…whoda thunkit.

    Ah, the mysterious rashes and fevers of childhood…followed by the hypochondriac fear that only another mother can possibly understand…I feel your pain. Hope this bout passes quickly!

    crazymumma October 24, 2006 at 10:21 am

    Good to hear she is in fine fettle and keeping the doctor’s on their toes…

    A banana holder.
    I still think it is the pod WB came from.

    gingajoy October 24, 2006 at 10:26 am

    uhm–do those “Banana Bunkers” come with batteries???

    glad to know WB is doing well–thank God for Modern medicine, indeed!

    Lance October 24, 2006 at 11:45 am

    Really, it should be a sex toy.

    scarbie doll October 24, 2006 at 12:02 pm

    Sorry to hear WB is still sick. We’re going through the same thing. Into week 4 now. Ear infection. Don’t knock modern medicine just yet — I paid a hundred bucks at the homepath and he still got an ear infection! Nobody knows anything.

    wordgirl October 24, 2006 at 12:42 pm

    Who knew bananas NEEDED bunkers? Live and learn!

    nikki October 24, 2006 at 12:56 pm

    or um does it keep the banana from squishing for certain food lovers? (and why yes i have a seriously warped sense of humor) i feel your pain. my little guy has a virus that is causing his asthma to go into overdrive.

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