D is for Dirty, That’s Good Enough for Me

March 8, 2007

Edited below! Lost passages from the verse-epic have been recovered!

So I had this crazy, dirty alphabet ditty all done up for you – inspired by you, you dirty dawgs – all nicely laid out on my Blogger screen with pictures and everything and then I go to save it and pfaff… “YOU ARE NOT LOGGED IN. PLEASE LOG IN AND TRY AGAIN.”

And, just like that, it’s gone. Apparently, my original post was created under conditions of intolerable subterfuge and Blogger – dear, sweet, protective Blogger, always looking out for me -took care to ensure that no HBM posts be created under false pretenses, and, so… zaaappp.

All that remains are those passages of verse that I was able to recall as I sat, fuming, for the duration of the bus-ride that is my long and lonely trip home from the suburban campus at which I have been sentenced to teach and scribbled what I could from memory. Much to the obvious discomfort of the older lady who was sitting next to me and reading over my shoulder… (p is for phallus that stands at attention!)

Herewith, then, all that is extant of the verse-epic, Now You Know Your ABCs…

A is for alphabet, propped against wall
B is for boob-sling, all crunched in a ball

C is for child, who puts bras on her head
D is for dirty, the things that you said

E is for eager, your stories to tell
F words were few, but that’s just as well

G is for glee, as you dished out your smut
H is for hell, where we’ll land on our butts

I‘s for the incident I had you describe
Jumped out, did your boobs!” claimed many a scribe

Knocked off your chest! The boob-sling did fly!”
Liquored-up, you sure were – and don’t try to lie!”

Massages at noon – the real dirty kind!”
(Nooners, it seems, are much on your minds.)

Over-the-shoulder-boulder-holders got lots of mention
As did things starting with P, that stand at attention.

Q (is lost in the gaping maw of the Bloggerburator. I have no recollection of what I did with Q, which means that it was probably brilliant. Future scholars will write great tomes about the lost passages of the HBM alphabet, perhaps using iconography from the HBM blog-scrolls – extant notwithstanding the Great Blogger Implosion of 2040 – to construct a hypothetical alphabet that can be used to decode the Secrets of the Great Cult of the Virtual Mother…)
R (ditto)

S is for sex – you all think I have lots
Truth is… um…

(Truth is what?! what’s the truth? WHY CAN’T I REMEMBER DAMMIT?)

(Truth is… sex waits ’til I’ve washed all the pots? Sex makes me break out in spots? means connecting the dots? What what what was the truth about sex?)

Underwear in this house just gets tossed in the bin
Vampy bras see some action, but not very much sin

WonderBaby steals bras to wrap ’round her sweet head
X-rated undies are now chapeaux instead.

Yet shouldn’t the bra be celebrated in play?
Z‘s pronounced ZED by Canadians, eh?

(OK, that last line was not in the original verse-epic but I am just too exhausted by my failure to remember the original couplet to do anything more than flame out in a blaze of total lameness.)

Yeah, that’s right. Cover your ears. La Perla is best for muffling the sound of bad poetry.


Inspired by your comments, the Husband has come up with a plausible candidate for the missing Q/R couplet!

Q is for quickie, of which there are few;
R is for romp, a nice word for screw.

This is a tremendous contribution to the fragmented verse-epic, and I thank you all for your contribution. But we’re still missing the conclusion to the second line of the S/T couplet, and I will not sleep until it is recovered. (I will not sleep in any case, but that’s beside the point.)

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    slouching mom March 8, 2007 at 7:49 pm

    OH.MY.GOD. I do not usually cackle so loudly when reading blogs (or cackle at all, come to think). I laughed so hard at this that my husband actually looked up from his reading to inquire about my mental status. And that, friends, that never happens, not even if the kitchen is going up in flames.

    I loooooooooooove this. (And I am also pleased as punch at how close my guess was, although it was sadly lacking in raunchiness.)

    You rock.

    MotherBumper March 8, 2007 at 7:58 pm

    Brilliant. I had to scroll right down to O to see if Over The Shoulder Boulder Holder made it – sweeeeet. I would have paid money to see that old lady reading over your shoulder.

    Mouse March 8, 2007 at 8:16 pm

    Should totally be working on my presentation. But I had to take a peep.

    Of course I am very much amused by Q. As you remember things or like new suggestions, you’ll have to start an app crit.

    And zed. I now always think of Scooter’s last birthday. Trillian, her parents, and I all went for afternoon snack to his class. He got to choose a song to sing and went with the ABCs. Get to the last letter and most of the room is saying “zed” while the dirty Americans on the far side of the room are sticking with “zee.” I will refrain from taking more space explaining why that will always be correct.

    Heather March 8, 2007 at 8:18 pm

    Hah that was great!

    Nancy March 8, 2007 at 8:42 pm

    Even partly forgotten, this was AWESOME. Kudos to you, HBM!

    (And I don’t blame Wonder Baby. That bright blue La Perla bra is such a lovely color.)

    Janet a.k.a. "Wonder Mom" March 8, 2007 at 8:43 pm

    I friggin love it.
    You are the best!

    Jenni March 8, 2007 at 8:48 pm

    I can’t wait to use these to teach my 2 year old his alphabet!

    SciFi Dad March 8, 2007 at 8:51 pm


    Very well done.

    Mimi March 8, 2007 at 8:55 pm

    I thought Zed was for Zillah, who drank too much gin ;-)

    Love that photo of WB in mid bra-steal. Nice undies deserve to be seen, and she waves the lingerie banner proudly: “boobies boobies boobies!!!”

    Lisa b March 8, 2007 at 9:05 pm

    Go Wonderbaby!

    damn pots…..

    Kate March 8, 2007 at 9:06 pm

    Q is for Quality poetry and quality posting. thanks.

    Kate March 8, 2007 at 9:11 pm

    DUDE! It just came to me. Q is for QUICKIE!!!

    Her Bad Mother March 8, 2007 at 9:22 pm

    “Q is for quickie, they’re now far too few;
    R is for…?”

    It’s a start, Kate. It’s a start!

    Beck March 8, 2007 at 9:24 pm

    Hahaha! That’s excellent! I tried to think of something for you along the lines of the Gashlycrumb alphabet, but it was late and I was tired and my creativity failed me.

    flutter March 8, 2007 at 9:24 pm

    La Perla is good FOR EVERYTHING.

    Oh, The Joys March 8, 2007 at 9:27 pm

    va va va VOOM!

    Mad Hatter March 8, 2007 at 9:41 pm

    “Q is for Quickie,
    They’re now far to few”

    R is for rude bits
    That I used to like to woo?

    merseydotes March 8, 2007 at 9:58 pm

    Blogger does suck sometimes, doesn’t it?

    But I think you did a good job on the spur of the moment.

    And boy was the story of the bra on the shelf disappointing! I was really pulling for you to have had a nooner. 8-)

    Multi-tasking Mommy March 8, 2007 at 10:05 pm

    Great job.

    Elizabeth March 8, 2007 at 10:23 pm

    You SO need to put this in book form and publish it with Lulu so we can all buy it, and then during the Great Blogger Implosion of 2040 (when I will be 73, btw), we will have a piece of alphabet blogging history.

    P.S. My bras are sold in boxes at Wal-mart.

    kgirl March 8, 2007 at 10:36 pm

    oh god, if you and kate are right, Q is the most used letter in my sex life. awesome!

    and awesome poem. dennis lee would be proud.

    Jennifer March 8, 2007 at 10:49 pm

    This is great! What’s with toddlers and their fascination with lingerie?! Mine loves it…and he’s a boy!

    sherry March 8, 2007 at 11:15 pm

    Somehow, I can just imagine you singing it that.


    The Flip Flop Mamma! March 8, 2007 at 11:33 pm

    Haha! I applaud you!! That was wonderful!!! Stupid blogger!!! How can you write a post and not be signed in??? Again I say STUPID BLOGGER!!! LOL.

    Alley Cat March 8, 2007 at 11:46 pm

    Wow, it was like I was reading banned Dr. Seuss or something.

    “sex waits ’til I’ve washed all the pots? Sex makes me break out in spots? means connecting the dots? “

    bubandpie March 9, 2007 at 12:10 am

    Great Blogger Implosion? Now you’re making me nervous, Nostradamus.

    tallulah March 9, 2007 at 12:36 am

    Tee hee…this is something I will be teaching my toddler when reciting the ABC’s.
    Is that bra padded? Dang girl, I could fit three of mine in one of yours!

    mothergoosemouse March 9, 2007 at 1:24 am

    One more example of why we should NOT get our children together. Our undergarments would be on display for the WORLD.

    It’s really sad when I have to announce: “No more playing in my underwear drawer!”

    creative-type dad March 9, 2007 at 2:30 am


    Janet a.k.a. "Wonder Mom" March 9, 2007 at 10:54 am

    S is for sex – you all think I have lots
    T is for truth…because uhm, NOT.

    tee hee hee…or

    S is for sexy, I wish that I were
    T stands for what I am totally insecure!

    Theres a few for ya from my alphabet…

    Mom101 March 9, 2007 at 11:05 am

    You’re going to give Rebecca a run for her money in the clever modern verse dept. This is absolutely wonderful. And I think I love it more in its incomplete form!

    The Mad Momma March 9, 2007 at 11:12 am

    LOL! Ironic that you should post something funny today.. i just dropped by to give you this..


    Lady M March 9, 2007 at 11:32 am

    Hilarious! And it’s good to hear from HBM-Husband, because those Q-R lines are mighty witty. You’re a good match.

    slouching mom March 9, 2007 at 12:05 pm

    S is for sex – you all think I have lots
    Truth is… um…

    Truth is, we’re not hot to trot once there are tots.

    Lara March 9, 2007 at 12:45 pm

    you are a straaange lady, but i like you anyways.

    kittenpie March 9, 2007 at 12:56 pm

    …The Truth is it’s more baby blues than red hots.

    …The Truth is I no longer can bend into knots.

    …The Truth is there’s been no sex in the Aughts. (You know, the 00′s!)

    …The Truth is my lingerie in my drawer rots.

    …The Truth is it’s impossible when you’ve got tots.

    …The Truth is my evergy’s now low in watts.

    Okay, I’m done. I’ll shut up now.

    Joker The Lurcher March 9, 2007 at 12:58 pm

    fantastic! and a little tip: if you block in all your text and do control c (or apple on a mac), it will copy it all to some place deep in your computer. you can then click save and if it all goes pop you can paste it into either a text document with control v or apple v or into the post that you have resurrected.

    how nerdy am i? but i do this every time with blogger now as i have lost so many gems of wisdom by not being logged in or something.

    Redneck Mommy March 9, 2007 at 1:11 pm

    My sides hurt. I knew it as soon as I saw the blue bra. I have pics of Fric dancing around with my bras on her head.

    Sadly, unlike yours, they barely fit a top her blonde dome. She would have got lost in yours…

    Now that I’m suffering boob envy I will leave.

    Well done on the poem. You rock!!

    NotSoSage March 9, 2007 at 1:23 pm

    Future scholars will likely comment on Her Bad Father’s attempts at subverting the Cult of the Virtual Mother by imposing his own gender-normative perspective (oh wah, wah, not enough sex) on the HBM Alphabet.

    No offense, HBF.

    Kyla March 9, 2007 at 1:28 pm

    Brilliantly funny. I can only imagine what the original was!! Friggin Blogger, robbing the world of joy. *lol*

    gingajoy March 9, 2007 at 1:40 pm

    cakling here too!
    your husband is AWESOME. (and your sex life sounds much like mine. we’re low on the romp-factor round here, you know?)

    Elizabeth March 9, 2007 at 1:47 pm

    “Truth is, since baby, no energy is what I’ve gots”?

    “Truth is, since baby, I spend more time washing pots”?

    Have you and your husband read “Babyproofing Your Marriage” yet? I wrote a post about it today.

    nomotherearth March 9, 2007 at 1:49 pm

    There is sex that doesn’t fall under the heading QUICKIE??

    SugarMama March 9, 2007 at 2:59 pm

    I just found your blog and I must say that I have not laughed out that hard in awhile after reading a blog posting!

    You are definitely added in my Google Reader!

    Pattie March 9, 2007 at 3:19 pm

    I will NEVER think of the alphabet the same way again!

    Anonymous March 9, 2007 at 5:29 pm

    hahahahaha….now that was funny!you,HBM really crack me up sometimes and nice to see that HBD is as funny and amusing as thee.(and i won’t relate any of my naughty nooners as this is a nice mommy blog

    Alex Elliot March 9, 2007 at 6:38 pm

    My son went through a very long phase where he used to like to wear my bra on his head.

    andi March 10, 2007 at 12:09 am

    Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant. I can’t type anything else – I’m laughing too hard.

    Mamacita Tina March 10, 2007 at 6:49 am

    Ok, see, you’re not helping my insomnia at all. Just too entertaining. Love it, love it!

    Thinking, thinking, thinking…

    S is for sex – you all think I have lots
    Truth is the contraceptive lies untouched and rots.

    ? Just killing time.

    ewe are here March 18, 2007 at 8:02 am

    Freakin’ brilliant.


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