Heaven Can Wait

April 11, 2007

I’ve got nothing against Christians. Heck, I’ve been one. I might even tell you that I am one – albeit a conflicted one - if you press me in my more emotional/less philosophic moments. And you might even, sometimes, hear me say that I think that Christians get an bad rap in popular discourse, that they are often unfairly characterized as being uniformly evangelical and extremist and narrow-minded and illiberal and collectively ignorant and all sorts of terrible things that good liberals pretty much never say about anyone else anymore.

So, no, I don’t want any part of bitch-slapping the faithful just because I’ve got my own issues about organized religion. But that doesn’t mean that I’m going to check my brain at the door when I wander into a klatsche of Christian women talking about who gets to go heaven and am invited to share my thoughts on the issue. Hence the emergence of – what did I call her? – my pissy inner bizatch the other day when I received an e-mail suggesting that I write a post about Ten Reasons Why I Believe That All Moms Go To Heaven.

My immediate reaction? Why, I do think that I shall write a post about Ten Reasons Why All Moms Will NOT Go To Heaven. And, perhaps, too, Ten Reasons Why, If There Is A Special Corner Of Heaven For Mothers, I Do Not Want To Spend Eternity There.

But when I said as much in my last post, I received this comment: “Oh My…such hate for awesome Mom’s (sic) who break their back (sic) everyday to do the best they can for their kids.”

Let’s clear this up right now: I’m not hating on moms, nor on Christian moms, nor on Christians in general or anyone else who insists upon wearing a halo on their ball cap when I say, again, that I am pretty certain that NOT ALL MOTHERS are going to heaven (if there is, in fact, a heaven, which is still something that I am not completely certain of). Because, as I said last day, I can rhyme off a pretty long list of some good ol’ evil mothers pretty quickly. And, there’s this whole issue that I have about the distinct possibility that I will not be going to heaven (also, where are all the Jewish mothers going? How can I work it so that I can go with them?)

But that’s beside the point. Let’s imagine, for a moment, that there is a special corner of Heaven for mothers, and that by ‘mother’ we are (as my anonymous commenter insisted) referring specifically to good women who love their children and not all those other nasty breeders who have given birth but not earned the holy title of Mother for some reason or another. Are you imagining with me? Good.

Now, let’s see: Ten Reasons Why I Do Not Want To Spend Eternity In Mother-Heaven:

1) There’s probably no liquor.

2) And probably no half-naked dancing boys, either.

3) I really don’t look good in a halo, the lovely sparkly bits notwithstanding.

4) Also, those wings look heavy, and I have back problems.

5) I can’t sing, and I’m guessing that there’s a choir.

6) Is it really just going to be mothers? Is George Clooney a mother? No? Then, no.

7) Have I mentioned about my suspicion that there will be no liquor?

8) Or my suspicion that if there is liquor, it will just be wine coolers?

9) It’s just not a party if Medea and Sylvia Plath and the Borgia women and Anna Nicole and all the other evil or fallen or impious or otherwise bad mothers of history aren’t there, and I’m geussing that they’re not going (even if good ol’ Sylvia made her kids some sandwiches before sticking her head in that oven, I’m pretty sure that ‘preparing lunch’ doesn’t make up for ‘killing self and leaving children to be raised by Ted Hughes and his lovers’ in the Christian sin calculus.)

And Reason Number 10 Why I Do Not Want To Go To Mother Heaven: because heaven, my friends, is a place on earth:

It’s a baby in a sugar bush, dancing to George and Alice Potter’s Old Tyme Jug Band…

… while clutching a wee creamer.

I’ve got my own Heaven, thankyouverymuch, and even if it is a bit hellish at times, I’ll take an Eternal Return to this place over Mommy Paradise, any day.

(Oooh, baby, do you know what that’s worth?!)

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    nomotherearth April 12, 2007 at 11:05 am

    Yeeeaah…if this heaven only has wine coolers, then you can count me OUT.

    Redneck Mommy April 12, 2007 at 11:08 am

    Yer such a trouble maker Catherine. BWHAHAHA!

    I love it. I don’t want to go to heaven with those twits either.

    Especially if there is no booze, no half naked men (or any men at all) and required singing.

    Cuz my ears bleed when I sing.

    And girl, puh-leeeeez squeeze that child of yours and give her a big wet kiss on the small of her neck and tell her it’s from some redneck out west.

    BOSSY April 12, 2007 at 11:34 am

    Bossy loves this post. And Bossy doesn’t really want to end up in mom heaven either – or for that matter join any club that would have her as a member.

    NotSoSage April 12, 2007 at 11:36 am

    Heaven: No liquor. Maple sugar?

    Earth: Maple sugar AND liquor.

    I know what wins in my book. Even if there are no half-naked dancing men in either place for me.

    Rock the Cradle April 12, 2007 at 12:06 pm

    Oh yeah. TESTIFY grrl.

    I love your heaven. The wee creamer in that luscious little fist…sweeet.

    m April 12, 2007 at 12:51 pm

    Just as I can’t be friends with someone just because they have a used uterus, I don’t want to be in eternity with a group of women because of the same reason.

    Plus, and especially plus, as you said, if no George Clooney, then it just wouldn’t be heaven, will it?

    mothergoosemouse April 12, 2007 at 12:59 pm

    Ooooh, I forgot about how Sylvia won’t be there.

    And wine coolers? Maybe if I were still a sophomore in high school.

    Hell it is!

    Claire Cameron April 12, 2007 at 1:21 pm

    Ah, wee creamers. Have I got a stories about those…

    Amanda April 12, 2007 at 4:18 pm

    It really is here and now, isn’t it?

    Lucky us, wouldn’t you say.

    kittenpie April 12, 2007 at 4:22 pm

    I thought all DOGS went to heaven? And, um, I’m not a dog person. Nor do I think I want to hang with no one but mommies for all eternity because you know, I love you blogmamas and all, but I’d hate for that to be all… Especially if they were the kind of mommyies who revelled in slogan-y, pat-on-the-back-y stuff like this. Blech.

    Mrs. Chicken April 12, 2007 at 5:01 pm

    I’m pretty positive they wouldn’t let me say fuckety fuck in the heaven these ladies are selling.

    But I know the heaven I’m heading to has my dad up there dropping F-bombs with George Harrison and JFK.

    Great post!

    ewe are here April 12, 2007 at 5:03 pm

    Yes. George Clooney is a necessity. And Kyle Chandler.

    And, embarrassed to admit, way back when when I was in college, I liked wine coolers.
    But not anymore!

    Mom101 April 12, 2007 at 6:21 pm

    I just love our little liberal, theological questioning, critical thinking corner of the mommyblogosphere.

    Where the wine always flows, the writers are top-notch, and the children, with apologies to M. Keillor, are above average.

    Ruth Dynamite April 12, 2007 at 6:22 pm

    Amen and hallelujah!

    Moppet's Mom April 12, 2007 at 9:31 pm

    You know, I saw the contest, and I actually thought – why would I want to go to *heaven* when it’s right here with Moppet (sometimes disguised as hell, though). But then I decided that it was too corny a thought to write about and dropped the whole idea.

    But your post is perfect – and actually makes the thought sound un-corny in my head. Thank you!

    flutter April 12, 2007 at 10:52 pm

    Can you please change your name to “Her Bad-ass Mother?”

    that is all, thank you.

    Jenn April 13, 2007 at 12:16 am

    lovely rebuttal :)

    and wine coolers?? bleh.

    aimee / greeblemonkey April 13, 2007 at 12:36 am

    1. I thought I was part of the Crazy Hip Mama ring and I *never* get invited to these parties. I must not be hip enough.

    2. I agree with ever single stinkin’ word you said.

    KrisUnderwood April 13, 2007 at 10:00 am

    Yes, lovely post. I would agree that Medea et. al. certainly would not be there. Or (insert hot actor guy). What would be the fun in that? And no drinks? Certainly wouldn’t be any of those, because good mommies don’t drink…. Pfft.

    Pendullum April 13, 2007 at 2:15 pm


    Jo April 13, 2007 at 3:08 pm

    Every fundie Christian I’ve ever met (not the normal ones but the ones you want to run over a few times) has already informed me that I am going to hell so no list is going to save me now.

    “6) Is it really just going to be mothers? Is George Clooney a mother? No? Then, no.”

    LMAO. I think I’d only go if I got a written promise that Josh Holloway/Sawyer from LOST is going to be there and will be my sex slave!

    GIRL'S GONE CHILD April 14, 2007 at 3:06 am

    I love you. Amen. Totally. Yes and YES.

    Kimberly April 14, 2007 at 7:42 pm

    I liked you before. Now I love you.

    Can I please go where you’re going? I’ve always maintained that most of the interesting people don’t make the cut anyway.

    Fairly Odd Mother April 15, 2007 at 7:42 pm

    I’ve met way too many moms who I can barely spend an hour with, never mind all of eternity. Pull up a seat at wherever you’ll be and I’ll stop in and have a drink.

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