Mom-101 Guest Post: Worship the Belly.

April 19, 2007

Burlesque blogging? Seriously? That is my assignment as I guest blog for the great Bad Mother. And yet…

Seriously?

These days the closest you want to get this pregnant woman to a stripper pole is an episode of the Sopranos. Nudity around these parts constitutes the 18 minutes it takes for me to get my underwear up over my hips after a shower. And the dirtiest thoughts on my mind? How best to, er…put toilet paper to its God-intended use, considering the unfortunate relationship of my belly size to arm length.

None of which bode well for a good raunchy/dirty/titillating (heh) post, as requested.
Now if HBM had caught me in the second trimester, I was dreaming of orgasmic romps with the likes of Jon Stewart, Bill Clinton, and Danny Bonaduce. There could have been some blog fodder in there for sure. But nope. These late third trimester days there is little sleeping, which means little dreaming– of the sexual kind or otherwise.

But just because I’m not dreaming about sex doesn’t mean that people are not dreaming about sex with me.

Yes, I’m talking about Craig’s List, that 21st century mainstay of Whoo, everything goes!

(And HBM, advance apologies for your google searches for the rest of eternity.)

A quick poke (heh) around the CL personals yielded the following very nice sentiment:

I hope to find a pregnant woman who is in need of a casual lover. Your age, race, size, and marital status are unimportant to me, I just want to relish in the beauty of your form, and make love to the goddess that is a woman creating life.

And then there was this:
I think pregnant women are incredibly sexy. If you’re up eating pickles and ice cream while hubby is sound asleep, send me a note. Totally discreet.

Then they started getting weird:
ISO Milky or Preggo Woman for a Good Boobs Massage

Or oddly specific:
asian couple looking to play with girl or possibly couple.she is 5 montth pregnant and very horny.party favor friendly(t).so hurry and lets have fun

Vaguely appealing:
Full-grown man, 42, is looking for a naughty pregnant girl for some fun. I’m good with massage too, in case your feet are a bit sore.

Um:
There’s something about clothes that are too small on a woman I really, really like. A little muffin top spilling out over jeans is hot. A bra over flowing with cleavage puts me over the edge. If you have recently gained weight, are pregnant, or for some reason are just filling out, I would really like to talk to you. I want you to try to fit into your old clothes for me .

Eek, getting scared:
Are your breasts filled with milk? I love breast milk and would like to meet a lactating or pregnant woman for daytime feedings

And my favorite:
ALL I WANT IS TO SEX A PREGNANT WOMAN TONIGHT.

Which, I mean…well, how can you resist?

So breeders present and future, take comfort. You may feel like your boobs are reaching new lows, your scale is hitting new highs, and your stretch marks are getting stretch marks. You may lose your thongs in your ass for days on end. You may be marring your face with streaky tears daily as you look up hemorrhoid treatments and excessive flatulence on the internet. You may be sprouting hairs in places that make you entirely certain of the man-ape connection.

But know that in the beautiful utopia called Craig’s List, none of this matters. For there, you are a hot, sexy, glowing, wanton, wanted goddess of loooooove.

Sniff. Sort of warms the heart.

Or maybe that’s just the acid reflux.

—-

When Liz isn’t here messing up her friend Catherine’s perv-to-real reader ratio, she’s over at her own place, Mom-101. Stop on by for a rollickin’ good time. With your clothes on, please.

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    { 38 comments }

    mothergoosemouse April 18, 2007 at 11:51 pm

    Heartwarming, heartburning…potayto, potahto.

    That last ad has me singing Color Me Badd’s “I Wanna Sex You Up”. Tick tock, ya don’t stop.

    slouching mom April 19, 2007 at 12:12 am

    The one who’s seeking a woman wearing clothes too small, who has a muffin top?

    He’s gonna get a lot of takers.

    theflyingmum April 19, 2007 at 12:16 am

    I just met a woman who met her husband on “Craig’s List.” Glad I didn’t ask her what his ad said. Or hers, for that matter…

    Izzy April 19, 2007 at 12:56 am

    Wish I known about all these interested parties when I was pregnant.

    Kidding. KIDDING!!!!

    flutter April 19, 2007 at 1:21 am

    That is so craigslist. Everything that is screwy with the world, in an entertaingly wrong format.

    carrie April 19, 2007 at 3:17 am

    That’s just bizarre.

    Good thing I had no clue there were pervs out there like that when I was pregnant. I would’ve never stepped out my front door.

    Not sayin’ you should either. :)

    Carrie

    BOSSY April 19, 2007 at 7:22 am

    The Goddess that is Woman Creating Life? Whoever wrote that never watched Pregnant Bossy applying her PantyHose.

    Motherhood Uncensored April 19, 2007 at 7:38 am

    Dude. I’m going to craigslist to find my lovah.

    WOOOOOOOHOOOO!

    moodswingingmommy April 19, 2007 at 7:42 am

    Pity I just weaned my daughter…Oh wait, there’s always the muffin-top fetishist. There’s hope for me yet!

    kgirl April 19, 2007 at 8:07 am

    But wait, none of those mention pregnant women who are nauseous, grumpy or constipated.

    Guess I’m out of luck.

    Lisa b April 19, 2007 at 8:38 am

    Well Done Liz!
    I had no idea this type of stuff was on Craig’s List.
    I can really feel the acid reflux.

    something blue April 19, 2007 at 8:47 am

    That leaves me a bit uneasy and nauseated. But there were days when I was pregnant that I’m sure I wouldn’t have cared who was massaging my swollen feet.

    phoenix April 19, 2007 at 9:04 am

    LOL i love your blog! Come visit mine sometime if you wanna :)

    Mom101 April 19, 2007 at 9:13 am

    Kristen/Motherhood Uncensored, I thought of you through all of this.

    If you want me to send you any of these desirable gentleman’s profiles, let me know. I’ll hook you up

    gingajoy April 19, 2007 at 9:47 am

    Gaaaghagagaggahhhaaa hahaha.

    The “oddly specific” one is dead creepy–especially as there is a couple involved. Ewwwwww.

    Elizabeth April 19, 2007 at 12:05 pm

    The “party favor” friendly one bothers me, since I suspect that means some kind of drugs will be taken.

    And seriously, daytime breastmilk feedings?? GAH!

    Beck April 19, 2007 at 12:12 pm

    While heavily pregnant with my first child, I was hit on in the grocery store line-up by some reaaaallly creeeeeepy guy who said that he had a “pregnant lady fetish.” Um, no thank you.

    Mary Tsao April 19, 2007 at 12:57 pm

    Oh.My.

    Mimi April 19, 2007 at 2:25 pm

    I think I just threw up a bit…

    The one with the couple and the breast milk thing… GROSS!

    The breast milk thing reminds me of one of the Little Britian sketches…

    gag!

    wendy boucher April 19, 2007 at 2:28 pm

    When I read a post like this one, I wonder why on Earth I ever take breaks from blogging to get real world stuff done. So glad to be back and laughing out loud.

    RookieMom Whitney April 19, 2007 at 4:20 pm

    That was a huge boost to my ego: I am not a huge round waddling baby vessel, but rather a much desired commodity on Craig’s List!

    Mom-101, I’m a little disappointed at your divorcing yourself from the sexy topic, because I was just so impressed last week to learn that you and Nate have 20 minutes of “adult time” every morning. I now fear you are like the rest of us.

    nomotherearth April 19, 2007 at 4:23 pm

    Impressed that they’re not biased against preggo ladies…but, yuck!

    Fairly Odd Mother April 19, 2007 at 4:33 pm

    Oh dear. Well, whenever I get down in the dumps and unloved, at least I can know that there is Craig’s List to turn to! Even though I’m not pregnant, there must be a market for tired moms of many kids whose boobs have deflated from years of nursing and who now have tummies of jello.

    Kyla April 19, 2007 at 5:09 pm

    Oh wow. And also? Ewwww.

    creative-type dad April 19, 2007 at 5:36 pm

    I’m speechless.

    Damselfly April 19, 2007 at 5:44 pm

    Um. I really don’t know what to say. But actually, this clarifies a few, er, interesting looks I got while pregnant….

    Christina April 19, 2007 at 6:35 pm

    I suppose it’s nice to know someone finds us sexy while pregnant. Of course, if I was insane and actually interested in any of those ads, I still wouldn’t answer because my interest in sex is currently ranking somewhere between cleaning the litter boxes and removing a splinter.

    TSM-terrifically superiorily mediocre April 19, 2007 at 7:53 pm

    I always found the most practical use for breastmilk (aside from actually feeding the baby, that is) was to shoot it at the Mr. when he wouldn’t rub my feet or get me some ice cream.

    He would mumble something about me not being pregnant anymore and he shouldn’t have to…*squirt* EWWWW!

    HomeFireBlue April 19, 2007 at 10:16 pm

    OMG. And I’ve been wasting all these pregnancies reading BLOGS!

    *hoists her milky breasts and logs onto Craig’s List*

    -Blue

    Tracey April 19, 2007 at 10:20 pm

    Whoa. Crazy, crazy world… and what pregnant mom would really want to get together with some random guys/girls during that time? STD’s PEOPLE!!! Can we please not expose the babies to strange semen????

    the new girl April 19, 2007 at 10:41 pm

    Dude.

    There really IS a lid for every pot.

    Who knew??

    Suburban Hostage April 20, 2007 at 8:06 am

    I just had one of those throw-up burps. Ew.

    Bon April 20, 2007 at 8:55 am

    laughing, oh laughing.

    what was muffin-top man’s address? i got a little something for him.

    Deliciously Naughty April 20, 2007 at 10:33 am

    If that freaks your mind, then this article about BDSM might really expand your horizons.

    http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Content?oid=180563

    I pray that I’m that sexually active when pregnant.

    anne nahm April 21, 2007 at 1:57 am

    Wow! Can I love this and still want to take a shower because so unclean after reading?

    And because I know you are looking for even more fun?

    http://annenahm.com/?p=143

    You know – for when you have that snuggly baby and the hospital nurse gives you a pad larger than your shoe. Enjoy!

    L April 21, 2007 at 10:38 pm

    I love your blog and am going to put this site on my roll right now!

    Kelly April 23, 2007 at 7:43 am

    I comforted myself a little bit pre-pregnancy with some of the personal ads looking for hirsute women.

    “Someone’s gotta love me,” I thought.

    (Tee hee…great post!)

    Ruth Dynamite April 25, 2007 at 9:13 am

    Hope is alive! (With a touch of bile, mind you.)

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