Bad Toyz, Bad Toyz: What’cha Gonna Do?

May 9, 2007

Edits! Now with more Bad!
Amidst all of the discussion the other day about Bratz Dolls and whether Smurfette could take any one of them in a Doll-On-Ho-Doll Smackdown, there were a few gentle inquiries about WonderBaby’s lovey, the object that accompanies her on all sleeps and all journeys to Buffalo Containment Facilities and which bears an unfortunate resemblance to a certain nether appendage of the male anatomy in its tumescent state:
Still Life with Phallic Lovey.

Still Life with Phallic Lovey, Flaccid.
For the record, the Phallic Lovey is only accidentally phallic. It began life as a Pottery Barn Plush Stacking Ring Set, but the Plush Rings are long disappeared, very possibly purloined by feral cats. So it is that the Lovey Ring-Stand, sans Rings, is now just a Lovey Stand, and a disturbingly phallic one at that.
We tried, we really did, to imagine it as other things:

Still Life with Mushroom Cloud, mixed media (or ‘How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love the Paper-Cuts’)

But it didn’t quite work – turn that picture sideways, and you’re right back to phallus, only this time dipped in Philadelphia Whipped Cream Cheese with creepy stick figures stuck to the side. You’re really no better off, then, are you? And in any case, is a story about thermonuclear war in an alternate paper universe really a more appropriate biography for a lovey than Priapus-Gone-Plushy?

There’s just no escaping it: it’s phallic, and more than a little bit disturbing. (As evidenced by my experiences taking it through airport security during our recent travels: And what is that, ma’am? It’s a lovey. A lovey for who, ma’am? For my daughter? Please step to the side, ma’am.)

But however disturbing, it is much-loved, and we haven’t the heart – or the nerve – to take it away from WonderBaby, who keeps it with her at all times.

Except, of course, when Kermie has it:

Portrait of Priapic Muppet.

I may not really be a bad mother, but there seems to be no question that I am, after all is said and done, a filthy-minded one.
Oooh, baby, you want more Bad? Moremoremoremore?
You can listen to me wax Bad with the delicious Rebecca and Romi of TrueMomConfessions this afternoon (Thursday, May 10, 2pmPST/5pmEST – I’ll be on around 5:30, I’m told – you can click through HERE) about why it is that we all like so much to say that we’re badbadbad and resist admitting that we’re actually goodgoodgood. You know, that thing we were all talking about last week, while we were all sitting around, blogging, drunk and naked?
It’ll be some good bad fun.
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    Lawyer Mama May 10, 2007 at 12:56 pm

    I’m trying to eat lunch here & you keep making me snort diet coke up my nose!

    Julie Pippert May 10, 2007 at 1:25 pm


    Oh I LOVE living in the gutter.

    I pretend to be confused by my children’s scataogical humor obsession but I’m not really. They come by it honestly. ;)

    HomeFireBlue May 10, 2007 at 2:05 pm

    Oh dear god I laughed until I had to stop reading because of the tears. You SO rock.

    I’m terribly disappointed that neither of my girls has a phallic lovey.

    Clearly I’M the Bad Mother here.

    gingajoy May 10, 2007 at 4:05 pm

    that picture of kermie is just wrong wrong wrong

    I heard he takes it from behind.

    BOSSY May 10, 2007 at 5:18 pm

    That was just way funnier than what is normally legal.

    Fidget May 10, 2007 at 5:25 pm

    I must need to get laid b/c i knew what it was from the get go. Kermit is priceless.

    Mom101 May 10, 2007 at 6:52 pm

    Can’t. Stop. Laughing. You evil bitch. It HURTS.

    Pgoodness May 10, 2007 at 8:59 pm

    OH. MY. GOODNESS!!!!!!!!!!! I can’t catch my breath, I’m laughing so hard …must not wake children….
    ROLFMAO. Thanks.

    kcgirlgeek May 10, 2007 at 9:11 pm

    “And what is that, ma’am? It’s a lovey. A lovey for who, ma’am? For my daughter? Please step to the side, ma’am.”

    O M G ! Funniest thing I’ve read all day!! You always crack me up whether it’s on Twitter or your blog! Thank you, Sweetie! :D

    a.k.a. kcgirlgeek

    Her Bad Mother May 10, 2007 at 9:20 pm

    Ah, all… if I have made just one person laugh today, I will have made the world a better place. However, I have also pornified the Muppets and so have shat, just a little bit, upon everyone’s childhood, and so am probably going to hell anyway.

    andi May 10, 2007 at 10:08 pm

    OMG, phallic lovey rules all! Oh, and I think Ginga is right – Kermie most definitely takes it from behind.

    Cathy May 10, 2007 at 10:35 pm

    Aaackk! OMG, too damn funny.

    Who’d have thought Kermie was so well-endowed? No wonder Miss Piggy was so … well… enamoured.

    Mad Hatter May 10, 2007 at 11:17 pm

    Sometimes a lovey is just a lovey.

    Bad, you have conquered the blogging world today. May I suggest you take a turn at slasher fiction tomorrow. I can see a Kermie SLASH Fozzie forbidden passion story in all of this.

    savia May 11, 2007 at 12:49 am

    This is absolutely brilliant! Thanks for making my day.

    Mama Luxe May 11, 2007 at 11:07 am

    Hysterical–especially the mushroom cloud one! I needed the laugh.

    ewe are here May 11, 2007 at 3:50 pm

    There I sat, innocently scrolling down through the phallic post when I reached….


    I’m still laughing hysterically over here.

    KrisUnderwood July 11, 2007 at 10:26 pm

    Oh. My. God. Halarious!!!
    Oh Kermie! I always knew you were a little raunchy!!

    KrisUnderwood July 11, 2007 at 10:28 pm

    Oh, yes, the mushroom cloud was brilliant..

    jt May 15, 2008 at 6:43 pm

    I just sent the link to this page to everyone I know! Plus a few random’s that just need the stifled gurgle at work as they desperately check over their shoulder to see who’s watching. Absolutely fabulous!

    Chelle May 23, 2008 at 12:40 pm

    That Kermit picture is the funniest thing ever!! Thanks for the laughs!

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