Bad Toyz, Bad Toyz: What’cha Gonna Do?

May 9, 2007

Edits! Now with more Bad!
Amidst all of the discussion the other day about Bratz Dolls and whether Smurfette could take any one of them in a Doll-On-Ho-Doll Smackdown, there were a few gentle inquiries about WonderBaby’s lovey, the object that accompanies her on all sleeps and all journeys to Buffalo Containment Facilities and which bears an unfortunate resemblance to a certain nether appendage of the male anatomy in its tumescent state:
Still Life with Phallic Lovey.

Still Life with Phallic Lovey, Flaccid.
For the record, the Phallic Lovey is only accidentally phallic. It began life as a Pottery Barn Plush Stacking Ring Set, but the Plush Rings are long disappeared, very possibly purloined by feral cats. So it is that the Lovey Ring-Stand, sans Rings, is now just a Lovey Stand, and a disturbingly phallic one at that.
We tried, we really did, to imagine it as other things:

Still Life with Mushroom Cloud, mixed media (or ‘How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love the Paper-Cuts’)

But it didn’t quite work – turn that picture sideways, and you’re right back to phallus, only this time dipped in Philadelphia Whipped Cream Cheese with creepy stick figures stuck to the side. You’re really no better off, then, are you? And in any case, is a story about thermonuclear war in an alternate paper universe really a more appropriate biography for a lovey than Priapus-Gone-Plushy?

There’s just no escaping it: it’s phallic, and more than a little bit disturbing. (As evidenced by my experiences taking it through airport security during our recent travels: And what is that, ma’am? It’s a lovey. A lovey for who, ma’am? For my daughter? Please step to the side, ma’am.)

But however disturbing, it is much-loved, and we haven’t the heart – or the nerve – to take it away from WonderBaby, who keeps it with her at all times.

Except, of course, when Kermie has it:

Portrait of Priapic Muppet.

I may not really be a bad mother, but there seems to be no question that I am, after all is said and done, a filthy-minded one.
Oooh, baby, you want more Bad? Moremoremoremore?
You can listen to me wax Bad with the delicious Rebecca and Romi of TrueMomConfessions this afternoon (Thursday, May 10, 2pmPST/5pmEST – I’ll be on around 5:30, I’m told – you can click through HERE) about why it is that we all like so much to say that we’re badbadbad and resist admitting that we’re actually goodgoodgood. You know, that thing we were all talking about last week, while we were all sitting around, blogging, drunk and naked?
It’ll be some good bad fun.
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    JayJenny May 9, 2007 at 1:44 pm

    OMG, thank you for the laughs today!

    pkzcass May 9, 2007 at 1:44 pm

    So funny!!! I just about busted a gut reading that one. Love it, love ya, and love the lovey.

    Slackermommy May 9, 2007 at 1:47 pm

    I almost peed my pants at the Kermit one!

    DD May 9, 2007 at 2:11 pm

    Do you actually call it “lovey”? I was feeling a bit shamed that my son’s lovey is actually a cloth diaper, but you my dear? That’s the cherry on top.

    Hmmmm….whip cream, cherries, plush phallics…good times.

    Kyla May 9, 2007 at 2:11 pm

    Bahahaha! You are hilarious, HBM.

    Amy Jo May 9, 2007 at 2:38 pm

    I am dying!

    My son has a similar plush ring stacker which has also suffered the loss of rings. He seems to really enjoy walking around with the ring stand in his mouth. So far I’ve resisted taking a picture, but it’s only a matter of time!

    Thank you a million times over for the hilarity!

    nomotherearth May 9, 2007 at 2:44 pm

    I was feeling kind of bad yesterday, because the lovey was the thing that I immediately focused on in your beautiful zoo picture. Glad to know I’m not the only one with the dirty mind, at least.

    flutter May 9, 2007 at 2:57 pm

    Holy crap the mushroom cloud killed me.

    MamaLee May 9, 2007 at 3:07 pm

    I think I just peed in my panties a little.

    Much More Than A Mom May 9, 2007 at 3:08 pm

    That’s freaking hilarious.

    Beck May 9, 2007 at 3:10 pm


    toyfoto May 9, 2007 at 3:26 pm

    This made me happy. Really, really happy.

    Lara May 9, 2007 at 3:35 pm

    i am beyond horrified by that last picture. scarred for life, in fact. thanks for that. :-P

    kgirl May 9, 2007 at 3:36 pm

    Flaccid lovey is impressive, to say the least.

    Now stay out of my top drawer.

    NotSoSage May 9, 2007 at 3:42 pm

    Aren’t we all?

    I am, however, not envious of the hits you’re going to get with repeated mentions of priapus, muppets and cream cheese in this post (not to mention the naked dancing boys in your corner of heaven). Get ready for your stats to skyrocket! Just can’t get away from that phallic imagery…

    mayberry May 9, 2007 at 3:47 pm

    Now that’s a Dirty Wow Wow.

    Pendullum May 9, 2007 at 4:00 pm

    and to think I though it was an object made out of cement…

    Tara (aka AbbysMomma) May 9, 2007 at 4:00 pm

    OMG! Thanks so much for the laughs…this is abso-freakin’-lutely hysterical. And thanks to my friend for turning me on to this blog! (no pun intended…lol)

    Piddler May 9, 2007 at 4:07 pm

    I’ll never feel the same about Kermit again.

    metro mama May 9, 2007 at 4:15 pm

    Nothin’ wrong with a little filth!

    dana May 9, 2007 at 4:16 pm

    This is by far the funniest post I’ve read today! I needed the laughs! Thank you :)

    Motherhood Uncensored May 9, 2007 at 4:18 pm

    Seriously, you know some freak at PBK was like — “Dude, look what happens when you take all the rings off” *laughing heartily*

    But that flaccid penis just looks more like a really tired out post-sex wanger.

    Or Whiskey dick.

    NOT that I know anything about either of those.

    eastcoastelle May 9, 2007 at 4:19 pm

    Oh gosh… after a terrible day (passport office + 6 month old = bad bad day) thanks for an incredible laugh!

    I will *never* look at Kermit in quite the same way…

    Jenifer May 9, 2007 at 5:12 pm

    I have bought one of these for a gift…I hope they have forgiven me!

    Thanks for a much needed laugh. I think there should be a coming out lovey post day…this can’t be the only uh interesting lovey out there.

    Major Bedhead May 9, 2007 at 5:31 pm

    Who needs Ron Jeremy when you have Kermie, the wonder-schlong?

    Christina May 9, 2007 at 5:35 pm

    LOL, that’s awesome. Some days I’m glad Cordy got attached to a pink and white puppy. I’d hate to have to explain that one everywhere I went. But at least you’ve thought it over and have some great comebacks for anything people could say to you.

    crazymumma May 9, 2007 at 6:13 pm

    you have outdone yourself. Brilliant. Sick. Twisted. But brilliant.

    kellypea May 9, 2007 at 6:19 pm

    Ummm…where can we get one of these? Bah-hahahahah! Thanks. Now I feel better. Snort.

    MotherBumper May 9, 2007 at 7:18 pm

    I am laughing, I am blushing… oh sweet juju, am I turned on? Kidding… or am I? When is my hubby getting home from work?…

    the-new-girl May 9, 2007 at 8:08 pm

    I always knew that there was *something* about Kermit.

    I’m too pregnant to laugh that hard.


    Janet a.k.a. "Wonder Mom" May 9, 2007 at 8:27 pm

    That is the BEST LOVEY ever….What a great thing to have….I can’t wait for WonderBaby’s teenage years…are ya gonna torment her??? I totally would!!! tee hee

    Magpie May 9, 2007 at 8:50 pm

    That is spectacular! Thanks.

    In the Trenches of Mommyhood May 9, 2007 at 9:17 pm

    No wonder why Miss Piggy had such a thing for Kermie. Smart pig, that one.

    *~chelle~* May 9, 2007 at 9:34 pm

    I can only imagine Freud’s take on all of this funny business! hehehehe!

    Animal May 9, 2007 at 9:48 pm

    I just absolutely love that you actually created a paper diorama for the Mushroom Cloud Lovey.

    Fairly Odd Mother May 9, 2007 at 9:55 pm

    I can’t wait until Wonderbaby is about 16 and you show her the photos of her ‘lovey’.

    That photo of it with Kermit is awesome.

    mothergoosemouse May 9, 2007 at 9:58 pm

    I always wondered what Kermie’s weenie looked like.

    crunchy carpets May 9, 2007 at 10:03 pm

    Gawd…it’s the colour!!!

    What else can you think!!!

    Jenn May 9, 2007 at 11:40 pm

    ohmygod. I was having a good giggle and then I got to The Kermit Photo…I think I just woke the Magpie up with my laughing :)

    It’s about the look on his little green face…

    Staci Schoff May 10, 2007 at 1:55 am

    Oh you are baaaaad! I’m cracking up.

    jchevais May 10, 2007 at 4:44 am

    OMGoodness. Thank you for the laugh today on this weird cold Parisian morning. As I sit in the office and pretend to be busy…

    I guess pretending it’s a toadstool wouldn’t help either.

    Her Bad Mother May 10, 2007 at 8:22 am

    Jchevais – we actually refer to it as The Toadstool in mixed company. At home (and this is why we’re going to hell) we call it The Phallus; in public, it’s The Toadstool (‘oh, yeah, THAT – that’s her toadstool. No, really, it’s a toadstool.’)

    Problem is, once you’ve seen Kermie with it, TOAD-STOOL starts to sound like toads-TOOL…

    kittenpie May 10, 2007 at 8:47 am

    We had one of those, but from Lamaze, which was not quite so plushy, more definitely cylindrical and with fabric that was not fluffy, but oddle patterned with things like zebra… Which, somehow, did not stop the joking and waving it about much.

    mamatulip May 10, 2007 at 9:18 am

    I’m laughing so hard I can’t come up with anything other than LOLOLOLOL.

    Diane May 10, 2007 at 9:24 am

    Holy crap! This is so funny. My son has a toy that features what is supposed to be a purple microphone. Similar embarrassing situation. Oh, to simply turn it into a mushroom cloud! Thanks for the fits of hysterical laughter!!!

    Lizzy May 10, 2007 at 10:14 am


    The Kermie pic made me snarf my coffee. Thanks for the laughs, and the coffee stains.

    metalmom May 10, 2007 at 10:32 am

    ROTFLMAO!!! * seriously– I fell off my chair!!

    Karen Rani May 10, 2007 at 10:54 am

    MU’s Whiskey Dick made me snort.

    AMEN to Bad Toyz!

    Remember these:

    Baaaad toys! Mouthy too!

    Anonymous May 10, 2007 at 11:00 am

    hahaha good gosh i snorted juice up my are too funny for words sometimes HBM.that pic of kermie is too funny!toads tool.good one my friend.i will be laughing all thanks.we all know laughing is good for the soul.LAVENDULA

    Tink May 10, 2007 at 11:09 am

    Ahahaha! Omg. That is the funniest thing I’ve read all week. I love how your mind works… You know, in the gutter, right next to mine.

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