An Open Letter To A Dick

June 21, 2007

Dear Tardy McAsshole Von F***tard,

You looked so slick in your bespoke suit, your polished wingtips, your neatly trimmed hair. You strode purposefully, manfully, through the crowd, Wall Street Journal tucked under your arm, eyes fixed ahead. You couldn’t have been a broker or hedge fund manager – too late in the morning to be on the subway, and to be on the subway in the first place – but still, you smelled of business and money clips and your walk told me that you probably had some meeting to get to, some merger to oversee, some economy to destroy.

That’s what I saw, anyway, as you strode toward me, the mom, shuffling along in capri pants and scuffed ballet flats and wrinkled Gap t-shirt, pushing the Maclaren, singing to the toddler fidgeting within. I don’t know if you saw me, I don’t know what you saw, but I do know this: we were in your way.

We were pushing our way through the open-gated ticket entrance, the one that strollers and wheelchairs use, the one that isn’t supposed to be used as an exit, the one that you were exiting through anyway. There was you, and there was us, and there were twenty or forty or a hundred other commuters thronging through the downtown station and we got stuck. We were coming in, you were coming out. We came to a stop, me and my baby, and we waited for you to step aside. We expected you to step aside.

You didn’t.

You stared right over our heads and kept walking. You just kept right on walking. You lifted your perfectly-creased pantleg and stepped over the front-end of the stroller, stepped over the stroller, baby and all, and kept right on walking.

You stepped over my stroller, you stepped over my baby in her stroller, and knocked me in the shoulder as you pushed by. You stepped over my baby and you didn’t lose pace, you didn’t miss a step, you didn’t give it a thought. You have, I’m sure, done this before. Maybe not with a stroller – maybe it was a wheelchair, maybe a walker, unfortunately attached to someone infirm or elderly, someone inconvenient – but with something in your way.

Mr. Tardhole McAsshat, I want you to know this: you’re an asshole. The worst kind of asshole, the kind who causes me to lose faith with humanity, the kind who makes me feel that we are, we humans, irredeemable. I hate you for making me so angry on such a beautiful morning.

I would hope that your balls shrivel up in your pressed cotton boxers and rot. I could hope that, but I won’t. What I do hope is this: that one day, you are pushing a stroller, or a walker, or are navigating the city in a wheelchair, and you come face to face to someone just like you. And I hope that, in that moment, you recognize you, and that you shrivel a little inside at the expectation of being shoved or stepped over. And then, I hope, that person stops, and steps aside, and shows you what human beings should be like. Can be like.

And I hope that you feel just a little bit ashamed. Okay, a lot ashamed. And then I hope that you go to hell anyway.


Her Very Mad Bad Mother
I would have taken a picture of me lifting my skirt and doing a rude flash, instead of recycling the bird, but I’m just not that bendy. You can, however, still check out my more figurative skirt-lifting here, and vote for me to get presents.
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    Bon June 22, 2007 at 12:55 pm

    i think we would do our children a great service, during the impressionable adolescent years, by mandating somehow that they spend as much time as possible in other people’s shoes, or wheelchairs, or skin, or position.

    anybody figures out how to make that happen, call me.

    Phoenix June 22, 2007 at 1:01 pm

    I’ve always wondered why people are like that, especially the ones in suits. The ones who think kids aren’t supposed to exist in thier world. I love how you ended this letter. I really hope it is them one day wiht the baby and the stroller and the asshole in the way not caring. But when that day does come for them, they’ll probably be an ass to the younger version of them.

    mamatulip June 22, 2007 at 1:16 pm

    You described him so perfectly I could see him — smell him — in all of his glory.

    You go with your bad self, mama. YOU GO.

    Becca June 22, 2007 at 1:40 pm

    When I was pregnant and people would be a**hats on subways and the like, I always had one fantasy. That we would hit a crazy bump and my balance would be thrown. I would land plumb on top of their righteous laps, injurying them severely. Or at least making them quite uncomfortable. I would be perfectly fine of course, because I had been sufficiently padded with roughly 50 pounds of baby weight. Then as I slowly, clumbsily (spelling?) craned my weight of said jerk, I would say something clever like “shoulda given me your seat moron.”

    PunditMom June 22, 2007 at 2:14 pm

    Thank you so much for that — for all the ones who act like that and I can’t swear in front of the PunditGirl. Thank you for being bad for me!

    Beck June 22, 2007 at 2:33 pm

    Oh oh oh! I have a story! I look younger than my actual age and when I first had the girl I looked younger still – at 27, I looked 17 or so, which I didn’t help by dressing like a 10 year old boy. So I’m pushing the girl in her huge cumbersome stroller into a doorway with two guys in suits in front of me. The guy in the back turned around and said, loudly, “I’m so sick of all you teenaged moms with your little bastards thinking that the world owes you anything. You should have aborted that little tax-drain” and then let the door slam right on the stroller.
    And then the owner of the shop who knows me and was my friend came over and punched him in the face. It was swell.

    Mom101 June 22, 2007 at 2:56 pm

    Do you mind if I print out oh, say a million copies of this to hand out in the NY subways?

    Jessica June 22, 2007 at 2:58 pm

    What Jerk!!! I am coming home to Brooklyn in a week with my 3 year old son and I just hope I run into this AssHat just so I can knock him over in his Armani knock off suit and run over his face with my stroller. While I am at it may be I’ll let my son get all Simeon on his ass and fling poo at him… LOL Just kidding. This is horrible has New York City really gotten that bad?

    Chaos Control June 22, 2007 at 3:50 pm

    An asshole of the proportion likely wears tighty whities. That’s my guess. He thinks he’s cool, but he’s not – hence the tight whities.

    Gurukarm June 22, 2007 at 4:14 pm

    See, most of y’all are imagining he’s going to A) remember doing this, and B) have remorse or embarrassment at some point in the future.

    I’m sorry folks, but, my negative mind says NOT LIKELY! – someone that completely thoughtless, clueless, and blind, is probably never going to wake up in this lifetime. Sigh.

    Mert June 22, 2007 at 4:35 pm

    You are my hero, dear lady. This completely made my day… know there are many moms who have encountered asshats like these… including teens who refuse to stop hogging the whole freaking sidewalk (trying to avoid eye contact as well) and have the nerve to bad mouth me and my 6 yr old and her 2 yr old sister in the stroller for refusing to budge. We played an evil match of chicken and mommy blogger won.

    Mrs. Chicky June 22, 2007 at 5:05 pm

    May his balls get stuck in the zipper of his tailored pants after taking a leak with his very small penis.

    savia June 22, 2007 at 5:40 pm

    That’s some seriously good ranting, sister. Amen!

    Trish June 22, 2007 at 7:54 pm

    Most excellent letter.

    I work in the world of law, and your post made me think of a BC human rights case, in which a woman in a wheelchair won a case involving a narrow public walkway. Part of her argument was that it was discriminatory that she had to constantly call attention to herself by saying “excuse me!” and getting people to move over so she could pass. Seems like people relying on wheelchairs, strollers and walkers can choose between invisibility and involuntary hyper-visibility.

    Here’s the case if anyone is curious: 2004_BCHRT_72.pdf

    flutter June 22, 2007 at 7:59 pm

    Douche. Douchey McDoucherson.

    Moondance June 22, 2007 at 10:45 pm

    You. Go. Girl.

    Your wish for him at the end is just elegant and karma-twisitng and rising above it all. Loved it.

    Bloor West Mama June 22, 2007 at 11:00 pm

    I have dealt with this so often. Once in winter I was waiting for the bus with the girl and her light stroller and a regular bus came along. I normally wait the 5 mins for the next accessible bus but it was too cold. Well, to make the story short, no one offered me help with the stroller and as I tried to lift it with Isa in it I almost fell backwards. And the bus driver just gave me this look from his seat of ‘hurry up woman’. No one helped me, I had to lift the stroller all by myself while there were three men seating at the front who were in perfectly good health.

    Needless to say that I was livid, I wished that I would have been able to tell everyone on that bus off but I could not. Thanks for saying how I feel almost every day of the week. That is why now during the summer months I walk home. Even if it takes me an hour at least I don’t have to deal with the public transit.

    Moondance June 22, 2007 at 11:43 pm

    Bon, just read your comment. You know, my hubby lectured last year at something called “The Abilities Expo,” which includes a great big exhibit hall full of wheelchair accessible vans and other tech devices for people with physical disabilities. It was great to bring my five year old to a place where he could ask all his “Mommy, why is that man in a wheelchair?” questions in an environment where the vendors were willing to explain how cool it was to be able to invent something to help people do things that he could do so easily. It really did let him see the people behind the disability. I hope that means they will not be invisible to him when he grows up.

    Whenever he asked me about a peron with an apparant disability, I always tell him, well, why don’t you politely ask him? I think that’s the right thing to do. Anyone ahve ideas on that?

    Austrian Dyspeptic without a blog June 22, 2007 at 11:58 pm

    Today I offered a seat to an aged fellow on the streetcar. For that I don’t expect a medal or an Order of Canada – it’s just common decency. He thanked me, I replied “You’re welcome” and left it at that.

    Daily I hold doors open for people with prams — offering assistance wherever I can — carrying them — offering seats on transit…whatever. I’m able bodied, unencumbered and am not in want of assistance but cognizant that, one day, I may be in need of some sort of accomodation.

    Where will the shekels get Mister Asshat? A better grade of puree at the aged persons’ home? Real prunes instead of stewed?

    Lisa b June 23, 2007 at 1:06 am

    Next time ram him with the stroller.
    Wonderbaby can take him.

    Ozma June 23, 2007 at 1:49 am

    Humans are probably completely unredeemable by anything other than a divine force or but it’s better not to be reminded of that. When people do such things what I am mad about is that they REMIND ME.

    But alas, almost everything I read also does that.

    Still, we are cute when we are babies–pretty much up until our early teens. There’s always that.

    sweatpantsmom June 23, 2007 at 2:06 am

    What a jerk. And a clever name like Mr. Tardhole McAsshat seems to good for him.

    I had my own encounter with an asshole like this in the parking lot last week. He almost ran over me and my two girls as we were walking in a handicapped walkway between two cars, a place not meant to be driven through, but he did anyways. When I gave him a look he rolled down his window and yelled, “Stop taking up the whole road.” The only consolation was he had a young son in the car who looked so, so embarrassed of his fucktard of a dad. I felt sorry for the kid, but hoped he gave his dad hell. Someday.

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    Lydia June 23, 2007 at 7:13 am

    wow, I admire your restraint– As he stepped over I probably would have shoved him so he fell.

    But excellent use of nouns as adjectives….

    Anonymous June 23, 2007 at 12:32 pm

    my favourite response in a situation like this, and yes i’ve used it MANY times is, “oh, i’m sorry i didn’t realize i was still wearing MY INVISIBLE SUIT!!” usually to be followed by a quiter …”asshole”….

    petite gourmand June 23, 2007 at 3:04 pm

    what a prick.
    I can’t stand people like that.
    sadly the world is full of others just like him.

    Emily June 23, 2007 at 3:37 pm

    Oh, I hope he is NEVER pushing a stroller, because no kid deserves him for a father.

    ewe are here June 24, 2007 at 10:21 am

    You should have tripped him or rammed him with the stroller.

    The world is full of *ssholes like this… I ‘ll never understand who raises these people!

    Not So Anonymous Michelle June 24, 2007 at 10:27 am

    I give you complete credit for not kicking that guy in the shins or telling him to F*%& off! This is an awesome, well-written post, I will definitely be a return visitor on this blog.

    As mom to a 2 year old, I totally can relate to the decline in humanity! Thank God for blogs where we can vent and share our stories like this because we’re too polite to say anything to the dickheads!

    kittenpie June 24, 2007 at 1:38 pm

    I think you can guarantee that someone that self-involved, that self-important, would never be pushing a stroller. Because, you see, that wouldn’t be important enough… He’s got meetings to be at, dollars to earn, and surely that would be someone else’s job? I mean, why else would he even have a wife and nanny, anyhow?

    crazymumma June 24, 2007 at 3:52 pm

    Too bad he didn’t trip, then you could have backed over him several times.

    nicely spoke badmother

    Jenny June 24, 2007 at 9:35 pm

    Has anyone ever told you that you’re hot when you rant?

    soleclaw June 25, 2007 at 12:20 am

    Damn. Fuck ‘em, on behalf of every “inconvenient” person, fuck ‘em.

    Now I’m off to read about Izzy’s dangling balls…

    Damselfly June 25, 2007 at 4:12 pm

    You’re right; someday, he’ll be the one stepped over. Or stepped on!

    Mcasshat [[snicker]]!

    Fidget June 26, 2007 at 1:59 am

    I would have felt compelled to ram him with the stroller, what a rotten fetid piece of humanity.

    Indigo Children June 27, 2007 at 1:20 pm

    Amen. Amen. Amen.

    I cannot stand rudeness of this kind. Some manners please!

    Nancy June 27, 2007 at 7:27 pm

    Fucktard. I see many like him on my daily commute and it never fails to piss me off.

    aimee / greeblemonkey June 27, 2007 at 11:59 pm

    I love the word Fucktard. LOVE IT.

    Her Grace June 30, 2007 at 10:01 pm

    Awful. I wish you would have stuck out your foot and tripped him.

    Her Bad Mother July 10, 2007 at 11:12 am

    her grace – so do I.

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