An Open Letter To A Dick

June 21, 2007

Dear Tardy McAsshole Von F***tard,

You looked so slick in your bespoke suit, your polished wingtips, your neatly trimmed hair. You strode purposefully, manfully, through the crowd, Wall Street Journal tucked under your arm, eyes fixed ahead. You couldn’t have been a broker or hedge fund manager – too late in the morning to be on the subway, and to be on the subway in the first place – but still, you smelled of business and money clips and your walk told me that you probably had some meeting to get to, some merger to oversee, some economy to destroy.

That’s what I saw, anyway, as you strode toward me, the mom, shuffling along in capri pants and scuffed ballet flats and wrinkled Gap t-shirt, pushing the Maclaren, singing to the toddler fidgeting within. I don’t know if you saw me, I don’t know what you saw, but I do know this: we were in your way.

We were pushing our way through the open-gated ticket entrance, the one that strollers and wheelchairs use, the one that isn’t supposed to be used as an exit, the one that you were exiting through anyway. There was you, and there was us, and there were twenty or forty or a hundred other commuters thronging through the downtown station and we got stuck. We were coming in, you were coming out. We came to a stop, me and my baby, and we waited for you to step aside. We expected you to step aside.

You didn’t.

You stared right over our heads and kept walking. You just kept right on walking. You lifted your perfectly-creased pantleg and stepped over the front-end of the stroller, stepped over the stroller, baby and all, and kept right on walking.

You stepped over my stroller, you stepped over my baby in her stroller, and knocked me in the shoulder as you pushed by. You stepped over my baby and you didn’t lose pace, you didn’t miss a step, you didn’t give it a thought. You have, I’m sure, done this before. Maybe not with a stroller – maybe it was a wheelchair, maybe a walker, unfortunately attached to someone infirm or elderly, someone inconvenient – but with something in your way.

Mr. Tardhole McAsshat, I want you to know this: you’re an asshole. The worst kind of asshole, the kind who causes me to lose faith with humanity, the kind who makes me feel that we are, we humans, irredeemable. I hate you for making me so angry on such a beautiful morning.


I would hope that your balls shrivel up in your pressed cotton boxers and rot. I could hope that, but I won’t. What I do hope is this: that one day, you are pushing a stroller, or a walker, or are navigating the city in a wheelchair, and you come face to face to someone just like you. And I hope that, in that moment, you recognize you, and that you shrivel a little inside at the expectation of being shoved or stepped over. And then, I hope, that person stops, and steps aside, and shows you what human beings should be like. Can be like.

And I hope that you feel just a little bit ashamed. Okay, a lot ashamed. And then I hope that you go to hell anyway.

Yours,

Her Very Mad Bad Mother
*********
I would have taken a picture of me lifting my skirt and doing a rude flash, instead of recycling the bird, but I’m just not that bendy. You can, however, still check out my more figurative skirt-lifting here, and vote for me to get presents.
And check back for the announcement of the winner of BlogHer or Bust. IMMINENT.
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    { 90 comments }

    Stimey June 21, 2007 at 11:20 pm

    Man, I thought I knew how to swear, but I have some lessons to learn. Excellent usage of the word “McAsshat”. I can totally relate to your fury as well.

    Austrian Dyspeptic June 21, 2007 at 11:47 pm

    There is something essentially anti-human about this particular suit. The sheer act of not even acknowledging another – ugh. I can’t even find the words. Where’s the decency? Riding the subterranean empire of the TTC should entail an acceptance of community and some shared values. All are deserving of courtesy — that should be the shared understanding. It seems that this suit didn’t get the programme.

    May he rot in Hell.

    PDX Mama June 21, 2007 at 11:54 pm

    What an ass. I can’t believe people can really be like that. I like to make up stories in my head that there is a really good reason for such asshat behavior. However, I can never imagine in my lowest moments doing anything similar.

    Mayberry June 22, 2007 at 12:10 am

    Dude. I should write the same letter to the schmuck who wouldn’t move over on the subway for me (I said move over, NOT EVEN GET UP) when I was 11 months pregnant. 5 years ago. Still mad about that one.

    Jess Riley June 22, 2007 at 12:11 am

    I got pissed on your behalf as I read this. What a CREEP. I really hope karma gets him back someday. It usually does.

    Mimi June 22, 2007 at 12:43 am

    GRRRRRR.

    Also, very ‘meaning of wife’y in that photo. Read it?

    EE June 22, 2007 at 12:44 am

    What a jerk!

    Izzy June 22, 2007 at 12:56 am

    What an assbite. I feel your pissed-offness. I totally do. I just had TWO similar experiences in ONE day with my son but the offenders were WOMEN. I was actually going to blog about it tonight but I decided to write about big dangling balls instead. But stay tuned. We can seeth together.

    Fucker.

    Jenn June 22, 2007 at 1:15 am

    McAsshole ideed. Here’s hoping you got a good shoulder hit in.

    SUEB0B June 22, 2007 at 1:21 am

    My sister used to say that the worst crime in American life was to make someone slow down…I guess that is North American life.

    MsPrufrock June 22, 2007 at 2:58 am

    A magnificent and timely post, as I was forced off the pavement by a rather frantic and industrious businessman in London the other day. Yeah, off the pavement and onto the ROAD. No big deal pal, we’ll just walk into traffic.

    People can be such dweeby nutwads sometimes. Eff them.

    Bliss June 22, 2007 at 4:19 am

    that bastard! i’ve had similar things happen when we lived in a city with a subway. dirty dogs act like children are INVISIBLE. i can’t tell y’all how many times people bumped my daughter in the head with bags and elbows. i finally had to teach her to walk with her elbows out and i would put my closed umbrella out over her head. i don’t know why i was always amazed at how rude people were in the subway, especially at rush hour. nothing like that ever happened on the bus.

    slouching mom June 22, 2007 at 6:08 am

    That’s outrageous. It leaves me speechless.

    Mouse June 22, 2007 at 6:37 am

    I’ve always wondered what could render a stroller invisible. I can’t count the number of times I’ve had groups of people walking right at me on a sidewalk and nobody moves over, even though there’s no way for me to get any narrower than the stroller. A few inches, a few seconds–it’s not too much to ask for, is it?

    AndreAnna June 22, 2007 at 7:17 am

    Sice Karma is the only belief system I subscribe to, I have to believe that one day, he will get his. But like you, I hope it is not in the form of retribution, but that he is shown what a fucktard he really is and feels deep embarassment for himself.

    Believing that the world is cyclical is what keeps me from weeping at the 5 o’clock news or punching the tool who didn’t stop at the crosswalk to let my baby and I cross the street.

    However, I still would secretely wish Prick McBastard’s testicles would rot.

    Mamalooper June 22, 2007 at 7:43 am

    I was in the United lounge at LaGuardia last week with the girl and we were the only females outside of the airport lounge staff. Monkeygirl was in a great mood but as a toddler, she was loud. You wouldn’t believe all the dirty looks we got from the biznissmen!

    Boo-f***ing-hoo to them all – we all share this world.

    Janet a.k.a. "Wonder Mom" June 22, 2007 at 7:46 am

    Fantastic. I hate those asshats too.

    Jennifer Playgroupie June 22, 2007 at 7:53 am

    Oh how I love when somebody can so eloquently say fuck off.

    What an asshole! Unbelievable.

    Jen June 22, 2007 at 7:59 am

    What goes around comes around…he will get his eventually. Perhaps after he stepped over you and Wonder Baby he tripped around the next corner and plunged down a small flight of stairs. Woke up at the bottom and was instantly sorry.

    Here is another thing that bothers me huge. When I open a door, either by holding it or using the button and then people start rushing through so by the time I get the stroller through the door is closing or my arm is breaking from having it propped open. Now I say something each and every time it happens. The funny thing is most people are so shocked they just stare at me. Most will then stop and actually hold it for me, not all though.

    Morons.

    Oh, The Joys June 22, 2007 at 8:00 am

    Because she’d BAD, she’s BAD, you know it she’s BAD!

    They don’t call you “Her Bad” for nothing!

    Go on, with your bad self!

    Fairly Odd Mother June 22, 2007 at 8:01 am

    Gross. Just gross behavior. Let’s hope it happens to his wife someday while she is with their baby. Then she can rant and rave to him and he can remember the moment with you (and probably others; you are right that he likely does this all the time).

    metro mama June 22, 2007 at 8:05 am

    What an ass.

    A guy with an SUV parked next to me recently tried to ask me to let him by while I was doing up the straps of Cakes’ carseat. I gave him a frosty look and told I would be just a few seconds. He actually went around and got in the other side!

    Gwen June 22, 2007 at 8:06 am

    Dude. You just totally annihilated my belief in the slightly chewier goodness of Canadians.

    I used to have a shit job at the U of Chicago law school and one day I was standing on the pull side of some really heavy glass doors, with my hands full of water bottles and apples for his majesty, the dean and his esteemed visitor, Michael Miliken and 4 professors stood on the push side of the heavy glass doors and waited for me to use my super flunky powers to open the door for them. This is a true story. And it’s why I always tell people how awful the U of Chicago is. Because that is completely the ethos there. Blech.

    There’s a doughy part of me that wants to say the asstard in question–yours–is going through some shit, but even I can’t always suspend my disbelief in the ugliness of some humans enough to really believe that.

    God, don’t you wish we could figure out a way to send this post to him and to all the fucktards we encounter too often?

    Julie Pippert June 22, 2007 at 8:08 am

    Dude. That is SO UNCOOL.

    In your shoes? I don’t know if I would have been silent with outrage or screaming, “Hey Jerky McJerk!”

    Wow.

    I like the open letter.

    Heather June 22, 2007 at 8:12 am

    Asshat is still my favourite word. I’d have probably said “ooh has anyone told you how cute you are in that suit,” and when he said no I would have yelled “well it’s because you’re a fucking asshole, that’s why! What kind of…. (finish tirade however you want, but I’d include now turn back around and get in line with the rest of the people on the subway jerkoff).

    sam June 22, 2007 at 8:15 am

    You know this city is crawling with those asshats. There are more and more prevalent these days as well. Ugh. The world seems to revolve around them and only them.

    Oh how I would have loved to see his pant leg catch the stroller and watch him fall flat on his smug asshat of a face.

    Dick.

    Candygirlflies June 22, 2007 at 8:24 am

    You know what makes me even MORE livid than the Male Asshat, HBM? The female version. The female version who is capable of bearing children, hell, who may even have children of her own at home…

    Once, a long time ago, I was at a craft show with my four week old Child Number One. A rawther large woman and I did one of those “face-offs” in front of a kiosk that we were both trying to look in. The bitch looked down her nose at me, and said to EVERYONE in the room, “GAWD!! I can’t believe they’d ALLOW STROLLERS in here!! They’re ALWAYS in the WAY…”

    I confess, HBM, I was hormonal… hormonal, and I stooped way WAAAAY down to her level, when I loudly replied, “Hey, if they allow fat, stupid people like YOURSELF in here, then what’s a few strollers??”

    Amazingly, she didn’t flatten me. She actually stepped aside.

    I wish the Asshat had given you enough time and opportunity to say what was on your mind TO HIS FACE. I would have paid money for a ticket to THAT.

    kgirl June 22, 2007 at 8:30 am

    cocksmoker.

    may I try to redeem your faith in humankind? i take the subway twice a day, every day, and regardless of how crowded, hot or miserable the subway was, i have been offered a seat on every ride. every one. i feel embarrassed constantly accepting the offers. but then i do.

    Dawn June 22, 2007 at 8:54 am

    You know what? I bet we have his picture on DSS….

    Cause he seems JUST the type to post a cock shot for the whole world to enjoy.

    moosh in indy. June 22, 2007 at 8:55 am

    Maybe he thought you were so beautiful and so breathtaking that had he stopped to help you, your smile would have melted his heart and he wouldn’t be able to carry on with his life, leaving him a helpless shrivel of a man. So he had to be rude to push you away. Think “You’re beautiful” by James Blunt.
    Or he really is just a jackass.

    Maternal Mirth June 22, 2007 at 9:00 am

    If I was in Canada, I would buy you a coffee after the McF***ktard incident :(

    M&M

    Jezer June 22, 2007 at 9:03 am

    He’s a douchebag.

    Her Bad Mother June 22, 2007 at 9:12 am

    Dawn, I am going to find that picture and caption it accordingly.

    Magpie June 22, 2007 at 9:54 am

    Here’s hoping he loses all of his money in the stock market, and ends up homeless pushing his meager belongings around in someone’s well-used and now discarded stroller.

    Mr. Tardhole McAsshat, indeed.

    Animal June 22, 2007 at 10:10 am

    This kind of behaviour is one of my all-time favourite signs of the downfall of humanity. That is, a mind-boggling INconsideration of other folks.

    I believe firmly in the concept of karma; somewhere, his is lurking around a corner, waiting to spill a double-large Starbucks frappawhosits down his make-up-for-a-tiny-penis powersuit.

    Christina June 22, 2007 at 10:20 am

    Damn, I’ve seen rude and asshole-ish, but that takes the cake! Karma will come back to bite him in the ass.

    Lawyer Mama June 22, 2007 at 10:23 am

    McAsshat is right!

    That’s when a well timed and appropriately bitchy “EXCUSE ME!” just slips out of my mouth.

    ali June 22, 2007 at 10:43 am

    yes, the asshat deserves a little karma thrown his way…

    Laural Dawn June 22, 2007 at 10:45 am

    I hate those moments. Hate them.
    Yesterday in union station I was in a big hurry – running for my train, and this little girl in a stroller waved at me with her ice cream. I walked right past, and didn’t wave, realized it, and turned around and went to wave back.
    I felt like a big dork until I read this. Not the same, but the little things.
    Some people are oblivious.

    mothergoosemouse June 22, 2007 at 10:45 am

    What a dick.

    I swear, it doesn’t matter what city you’re in – subways are hotbeds of terribly rude behavior.

    Karly June 22, 2007 at 10:52 am

    Wow. Just…wow. What a jerk!

    binkytown June 22, 2007 at 10:54 am

    I hope you feel better now that you got that off your chest and can go about enjoying the blue sky..

    radical mama June 22, 2007 at 10:58 am

    Ass! I cannot stand that sort of entitled attitude. I hope you enjoyed the rest of your day HBM.

    Teryn June 22, 2007 at 11:13 am

    What? You didn’t know that his money is more important than your baby? Ick — what a jerk. You said it perfectly — great post.

    Anonymous June 22, 2007 at 11:14 am

    gee people can be so frickin rude.hope the rest of your day was greatHBM.LAVENDULA

    Kymberlyn June 22, 2007 at 11:24 am

    What an arse. Hopefully in his haste he fell onto the tracks. A walkover deserves a runover.

    Slackermommy June 22, 2007 at 11:34 am

    I had a similar experience when I was 7 months pregnant and had a 3 year old and a 17 month old in tow. I was waiting to get on a shuttle bus at an airport. The doors opened and some bitch nearly knocked us over to get on the shuttle before us. I was pissed! Once we got on and we were offered a place to sit rather than stand by a nice human being, I looked over at her and said, “I’m sorry, were we in your way?” She gave me the I-don’t-know-what-you-are-talking-about look as the people around us snickered.

    nomotherearth June 22, 2007 at 12:09 pm

    Jerk.

    Not to dispel Kgirl’s uplifting comment, but I can count on one hand the number of times I have been offered a seat on the subway. On one hand for BOTH pregnancies. In fact, I have had to give up MY seat in favour of someone who is further along in their pregnancy, because no one else was willing to do so.

    Have I mentioned that I hate the subway crowd?

    jen June 22, 2007 at 12:45 pm

    yeah, but was he hot?

    dude. kidding. it’s the high and mighty ones that get to me the most. we shall NOT be disregarded.

    go, you.

    Her Bad Mother June 22, 2007 at 12:46 pm

    NME – I had the same bad fortune on the subway – and more so on the streetcars – when I was pregnant. I once stood in front of a young couple, seated comfortably, chatting about facking yoga classes, for like four stops before the woman stage-whispered to her friend ‘I THINK THAT LADY’S PREGNANT (I was nine months and out to *here*) SHOULD I GIVE HER MY SEAT???’

    I said, ‘I’m pregnant, not deaf, and as I’ve stood here in front of you for ten minutes I think that I can last the 45 seconds to my stop.’

    Tards, all of them.

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