The Shark Has Pretty Teeth, Dear, ‘Cuz He Eats Dentists

June 5, 2007

Edit: Update below…

I’m going to the dentist today. I’m terrified. Actually, I’m more that terrified. I’m gripped by the chill hand of a terror that defies description.

I am afraid of dentists. I find dentists, and all dentist-related activity, more frightening than spiders, and needles. Actually, more terrifying than spiders and needles combined, because you very rarely find a spider brandishing a needle, whereas dentists, in my experience, almost always have needles and are prepared to use them. (Also, sometimes, they have spiders. One of my more terrifying dental experiences involved a visit to a dentist with a perverse decorating streak on Hallowe’en. Have never recovered.)

I didn’t sleep last night, for the fear, and instead chose to drink two double vodka martinis, extra dry, in a misguided attempt to give myself a hangover so that I would be distracted by the pounding headache when the needle hovers into view. This was not a good idea. I’m exhausted, and achey, and I’m pretty sure that the vodka breath is not going to dispose the dentist – who, I am convinced, takes a perverse pleasure in terrifying and torturing her patients with needles and lectures on dental floss – to go easy on me. And I’m pretty certain that the post-vodka blurries are not going to distract me from either the needle or the lecture.

Once upon a time, Her Bad Father would accompany me to dental appointments, and hold my hand if necessary. But I am told that I am a big girl now, and he’s off making money or something stubbornly grown-up like that, and I am on my own.

And scared.

Anyone want to hold my hand?

Always floss.


In lieu of hand-holding, you could do something big-hearted, and it might help mitigate my terror somewhat. Or, at least, re-assure me that while I am in the ice-cold grip of fear, nice things are happening in the world. Jen of One Plus Two has launched a campaign to raise money this money for the wonderful Stephen Lewis Foundation or to Open Arms. You can read more about over at Jen’s place, or at Mad’s. Let’s join forces with these awesome ladies and take some more steps toward making the world a better place.

It’s not getting rid of the dentists, but it’s a start.

Also? Have you written your BlogHer post yet? I know that you want that candy. And don’t forget that you can write one for Parent Bloggers, too. MORE CANDY.
Update: I survived. White-knuckle-chair-gripping-cold-sweat-didn’t-make-it-through-the-whole-appointment survived, but still. I have to go back, so that they can finish the work, but I have a whole four weeks to freak about that. Thanks for your hand-holding. (And to the person who left the comment saying that they found my blog by watching me upload the site on my laptop in Starbucks? Um… NOT FREAKY AT ALL.)
I recovered last night by reflecting upon my teenage horror of school cafeterias, if you’re interested. Less terrifying than dentists, but still pretty scary.

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    Haley-O June 7, 2007 at 12:27 am

    Wow! I can’t believe you’re so afraid of dentist. I LOATHE going to the dentist. But, I can’t imagine being petrified ON TOP of the hating! I’m so glad you got through it!

    Magpie June 7, 2007 at 10:21 am

    The last time I went to the dentist, I paid $95 for the joy of having him tell me nothing was the matter, even though the only reason I was there was because my teeth hurt.

    Granny June 7, 2007 at 11:36 am

    I had a horrid experience as a kid and my parents couldn’t get me to go back (even to another dentist) for years.

    Finally, they found the right dentist. He did nothing for the first two visits except let me sit in the chair. By the third visit, I was almost calm and he was gentle.

    I still hate it but the terror has left.

    moosh in indy. June 8, 2007 at 12:35 am

    Ever consider going to one of the dentists in the phone book who uses kitties in their ad and promises to hand out the gas like candy? I know yous loves your candy.

    Pattie June 9, 2007 at 8:11 am

    I had trouble getting past the spider thing *shudder*
    Glad to hear you made out A-OK!

    Gidge June 9, 2007 at 10:19 am

    When I had my wisdom teeth pulled, while the dentist waited for me to numb up, he looks at me and says “Did you ever see Little Shop of Horrors” and proceeds to dance around, WITH the intstruments, singing ‘You’ll be a Dentist’.
    It was surreal.

    Jan B June 10, 2007 at 5:45 pm

    I went into working in dentistry because of my childhood dentistry nightmares. 13 cavities and a mean dentist who called me Tiny Tears.

    I dedicated myself to not letting people get hurt. We had quite a great team. The best thing is getting people who are really scared to be able to do the work that needs done and then feel secure enough to keep coming for their semi-annual appointments.

    But now I am just a stay at home mom. I hope that the next appt is easier. I am a white knuckle dental chair rider too.

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