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13 Jul

Bad, Bad, Bad, Bad Day

WonderBaby’s Countdown to Friday the Thirteenth:

1) Sob throughout afternoon at daycare. Sob when Mommy comes to pick you up. Shout NO at daycare lady when she says see you tomorrow.

2) Blow kiss at daycare lady, to take the sting out of the NO. Kiss Mommy, then smack her on the head for having left you at daycare in the first place.

3) Arrive home. Ask for Daddy. Accept cookie in place of Daddy. Throw cookie at Mommy.

4) Ask for ice cream. Refuse ice cream, to f*ck with Mommy’s head.

5) Lay on floor and emit extreme heat.

6) Watch Mommy freak out while she calls TeleHealth and tries to find rectal thermometer. RECTAL THERMOMETER. Change mind about ice cream.

7) Attempt to reduce temperature through force of will. Fail. Cry POO! throughout temperature-taking procedure. Accept cherry-flavoured Tylenol drops as compensation for violation of person.

8) Demand to know where Daddy is. Ask to be given bath by Daddy. Ask to be put to bed by Daddy. Refuse comfort from rectal-thermometer-toting-daycare-abandoning-Daddy-withholding Mommy.

9) Rejoice in arrival of Daddy. Fall limply into his arms and communicate telepathically about the torture that Mommy has forced you to endure.

10.) Whimper, to underscore your point.

11.) Permit Daddy to put you to bed. Refuse bedtime kisses from Mommy. Watch impassively as Mommy crumbles to pieces from fear and guilt.

12.) Sleep. Let body cool. Do not stir when Mommy comes in to take temperature with kisses.

13.) Awaken to Friday. Commence crying.

Happy Friday the Thirteenth.