November 26, 2007

A week and half ago we went for our first ultrasound, as part of an ‘integrated prenatal screening’ to gauge the odds of genetic abnormalities in this pregnancy. In our baby. The ultrasound technician – and, later, the clinic doctor, who examined me closely because of something suspicious that was spotted in my ovaries (another story for another day) – said that everything looked fine. There were still blood tests to do, but they all sounded positive, and we got a lovely picture of a very baby-like fetus that I immediately called Sprout.

But now there’s some doubt that everything’s fine, and I’m losing my mind a little bit.

First thing this morning, my doctor’s office called with a summons. Please come in first thing tomorrow, Dr. NiceLady would like to see you. ~Why? I’m seeing her in a few days.~ Yes, but she’d like to see you tomorrow morning.

An innocuous conversation, but then again, no conversation with your doctor when you’re pregnant is innocuous. I have a scheduled prenatal appointment in a few days, at which time we were going to discuss the results of the IPS. The only reason that I can think of that she would need to speak with me, in person, immediately, is if something’s wrong, so wrong that it can’t wait a few days. So wrong that we need to discuss it, deal it with it, now.

Oh, god.

Husband has a phone call into the nurse to see if we can get more information before tomorrow. Something, anything, to stop panic, or something to let me know that it’s okay to panic. Maybe it’s better to not know for 24 hours?

No. I don’t want to panic. I don’t want to be scared. I want everything to be okay. But hovering somewhere in the dark spaces between should I be scared? and be scared and ohgodit’sbad is killing me, it’s putting so much pressure on my heart that I’ll think it’ll burst.

Please, fingers crossed for me?

Update: Spoke with nurse. It indeed concerns test results, but doctor not in today and nurse can’t discuss with me. Understood my fear – made worse by conversation with her – and asked me to do my very best to relax between now and tomorrow morning. Fuck relax. Will be crying all day, clinging to desperate hope that doctor is just being super-anal about getting results to me quickly. Desperate, desperate hope.

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    Lawyer Mama November 27, 2007 at 11:27 am

    Fingers crossed. Just try to remember that the screening tests are all about odds. False positives are common, especially when you’re, um… a bit older like we are.

    With my first pregnancy, my screen came back with a 1 in 31 chance of Down’s Sydrome. I had an amnio. Everything was fine. But they have to talk to you quickly to give you the greatest number of options for further testing.

    Hang in there.

    Jenifer November 27, 2007 at 11:40 am

    I’m praying for you…. and I’ll be checking for updates….

    I know what you are feeling… I had 2 days of bleeding recently and the doctor has no idea why, the heartbeat was fine and he says everything “looks” normal. He said if there is anything wrong they will catch it at my u/s ON TH 31ST!!

    I will be anxious and holding my breath evertime I use the bathroom until then, panicing the bleeding may return… so far, so good, but that is little to calm my fears.

    Finger and toes and anything else I can manage are crossed for you..

    Mir November 27, 2007 at 11:56 am

    Hoping and praying this is the sort of worry you’ll look back on and laugh. Hang in there, girl… you have lots of folks rooting for you.

    Christina November 27, 2007 at 12:33 pm

    Crossing my fingers and hoping for the best for you.

    I hate when they tell you to come in the next day, with no explanation. That has to go against some kind of medical ethics code. If it’s that important, they should be able to give you more information about what’s going on to require you to come in.

    Wishing for nothing but good news.

    fidget November 27, 2007 at 12:39 pm

    thinking of you and looking for an update (((hugs)))

    Wright November 27, 2007 at 12:52 pm

    I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you. Best wishes for you and baby!

    iheartchocolate November 27, 2007 at 1:05 pm

    I said a prayer for you just now. I pray everything will be fine, if not, God give you the strength and peace to deal with whatever lie ahead.
    I am sorry this is such a difficult time, there is always a light.

    Busy Mom November 27, 2007 at 2:18 pm

    Thinking of you and your family.

    Shari December 3, 2007 at 3:27 am

    My heart goes out to you, and my prayers. Keep in mind, often the test or technician isn’t the right tool at the righ time for you and your baby. I had several miscarriages before my oldest daughter was born. Afterward, another 12 years of wanting, trying, and crying… then a suprise – and many changes later… my 3rd child gave us a similar scare. Due to my history and both our ages, we had an early set of tests at about 12 weeks gestation. Needless to say there was ‘nothing’ on the ultrasound. No heartbeats, no images, noting. We cried and cried… but my husband said the baby was ‘just hiding’ (I personally thought he was patronizing me – can we say “overly distraught hormones?”) Turned out he was right. Lesson for me was that no matter what medical test or scary news we receive, it was ultimately a false alarm and another reminder that we are ‘practicing’ medicine.

    Keep your stress as low as you can, and let Him take your burden.

    God Bless and Good Luck -

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