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26 Nov


A week and half ago we went for our first ultrasound, as part of an ‘integrated prenatal screening’ to gauge the odds of genetic abnormalities in this pregnancy. In our baby. The ultrasound technician – and, later, the clinic doctor, who examined me closely because of something suspicious that was spotted in my ovaries (another story for another day) – said that everything looked fine. There were still blood tests to do, but they all sounded positive, and we got a lovely picture of a very baby-like fetus that I immediately called Sprout.

But now there’s some doubt that everything’s fine, and I’m losing my mind a little bit.

First thing this morning, my doctor’s office called with a summons. Please come in first thing tomorrow, Dr. NiceLady would like to see you. ~Why? I’m seeing her in a few days.~ Yes, but she’d like to see you tomorrow morning.

An innocuous conversation, but then again, no conversation with your doctor when you’re pregnant is innocuous. I have a scheduled prenatal appointment in a few days, at which time we were going to discuss the results of the IPS. The only reason that I can think of that she would need to speak with me, in person, immediately, is if something’s wrong, so wrong that it can’t wait a few days. So wrong that we need to discuss it, deal it with it, now.

Oh, god.

Husband has a phone call into the nurse to see if we can get more information before tomorrow. Something, anything, to stop panic, or something to let me know that it’s okay to panic. Maybe it’s better to not know for 24 hours?

No. I don’t want to panic. I don’t want to be scared. I want everything to be okay. But hovering somewhere in the dark spaces between should I be scared? and be scared and ohgodit’sbad is killing me, it’s putting so much pressure on my heart that I’ll think it’ll burst.

Please, fingers crossed for me?

Update: Spoke with nurse. It indeed concerns test results, but doctor not in today and nurse can’t discuss with me. Understood my fear – made worse by conversation with her – and asked me to do my very best to relax between now and tomorrow morning. Fuck relax. Will be crying all day, clinging to desperate hope that doctor is just being super-anal about getting results to me quickly. Desperate, desperate hope.