So, you are at a cafe with your two-year old – who is sitting, quietly and sweetly, sipping the warm milk that she refers to as “coffee’ – when she blows a loud, ripply fart.

Oh! she exclaims. I make a noise out my bum!

And you laugh.

And she asks, quite reasonably, under the circumstances: that funny?

And you say, no, sweetie. Just say ‘excuse me,’ please, when you make noises from your bottom.

But she persists. THAT FUNNY?

At the next table, two older ladies are watching and listening closely.

What are you supposed to say? It IS funny. But you’re juvenile, and you don’t want your daughter to grow up to be juvenile, and you certainly don’t want her going to daycare and announcing that she can make noises out her bum and then doing her best Jim Carrey imitation. You don’t want that at all.

So you contain your giggle, and lie. No, it’s not meant to be funny. Mommy’s being silly.

And then she farts again and exclaims S’CUSE ME MAKE NOISE OUT MY BUM. And you laugh out loud, spitting a little latte onto the table as you do.

You’re not going to be very good at this whole ‘raising cultured children’ thing, are you?