If Your Child Farts In A Forest, And You Laugh, Will Anybody Hear It And Judge You?

February 4, 2008

So, you are at a cafe with your two-year old – who is sitting, quietly and sweetly, sipping the warm milk that she refers to as “coffee’ – when she blows a loud, ripply fart.

Oh! she exclaims. I make a noise out my bum!

And you laugh.

And she asks, quite reasonably, under the circumstances: that funny?

And you say, no, sweetie. Just say ‘excuse me,’ please, when you make noises from your bottom.

But she persists. THAT FUNNY?

At the next table, two older ladies are watching and listening closely.

What are you supposed to say? It IS funny. But you’re juvenile, and you don’t want your daughter to grow up to be juvenile, and you certainly don’t want her going to daycare and announcing that she can make noises out her bum and then doing her best Jim Carrey imitation. You don’t want that at all.

So you contain your giggle, and lie. No, it’s not meant to be funny. Mommy’s being silly.

And then she farts again and exclaims S’CUSE ME MAKE NOISE OUT MY BUM. And you laugh out loud, spitting a little latte onto the table as you do.

You’re not going to be very good at this whole ‘raising cultured children’ thing, are you?

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    The Hotfessional February 6, 2008 at 2:52 pm

    Oh sure you can. Just make sure she raises her pinky finger when she’s drinking coffee. It makes up for the farting. ;-)

    Animal February 6, 2008 at 3:07 pm

    *sigh* She might as well learn right away that farts? ALWAYS funny. Especially in public.

    Jennifer P February 6, 2008 at 10:57 pm

    I constantly make noises out my bum and we all find it funny. I am juvenile and cultured children are lame. WB rocks. You do too. Hope you got the latte stain out of your clothes.

    The Super Bongo February 6, 2008 at 11:40 pm

    I have that exact poster over my computer.

    Jennifer February 7, 2008 at 2:05 pm

    Farts are funny! We have been teaching our son to laugh at toots since he was born. We’s classy folk…

    Stegh February 7, 2008 at 2:31 pm

    oh my god.. I’m still laughing. Hilarious.

    Balcony Gal February 8, 2008 at 9:45 am

    Let there be farts…it’s true that the only time they aren’t funny is when they truly smell. I, of course, don’t fart (excuse me, hmm, hmm) but the rest of the Balcony Family does and, well, there’s no stopping the giggles. I love how people are either truly mortified by their own gas or they just shrug. Great post.

    superblondgirl February 8, 2008 at 10:39 am

    No shame in that. I laugh at farts/fart jokes/etc., too. If we all grew up cultures, nobody would be funny.

    MJ February 8, 2008 at 2:51 pm


    Love it!

    Suburban Gorgon February 8, 2008 at 9:23 pm

    Oh, I hear you. My husband has taught the Kraken to shout “Sayonara SUCKAS!” instead of “good night” when we have people over on Sunday evenings. I laugh out loud. Every time. Even though I know I shouldn’t encourage either one of them.

    liz February 10, 2008 at 1:47 am

    I’m laughing.

    Mrs. T February 10, 2008 at 11:40 pm

    Once when I was subbing at a high school, the class was supposed to be quietly reading, which they were, and toward the end of the class period, one kid ripped one and of course they all laughed. My inner priss reared her ugly head, chastising them with “Oh, come on! What are you guys in like 3rd grade?” The farter just looked at me and shook his head, saying “No, but that’s ALWAYS going to be funny.” And he was right. It always will. And it’s even funnier when a sweet, toddler voice says “I make a noise out my bum!”

    cathy hastings February 18, 2008 at 5:06 pm

    I never knew how I would revert back to juvinile giggles whenever my son makes noises like that!!

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