They’re Real, And They’re Not All That Spectacular

February 9, 2008

My boobs? Are gargantuan.

And they itch.

Which means, sadly, that my enjoyment of them is limited. Gigantic boobs are highly over-rated, if you ask me, and all the more so if they are both gigantic and itchy. They cause back pain, and skin discomfort, and I’ll be damned if I can find a bra in which to cram these things that both a) contains them properly, and b) doesn’t exascerbate the itchiness with crap like underwire (a torture device if there ever was one) or elastic or lace or, well, anything that presses against the skin. Which leaves one with giant cotton nursing bras, which, you know, don’t exactly make one feel sex-AY.

(My ass? Also massive. But it is one of the very great mercies of Mother Nature and whatever gods are responsible for buttocks that the ass is located on one’s back side. Where one cannot see it, unless one contorts oneself in front of a mirror, which one is not inclined to do when one has ballooned to the size of a baby whale. So, no, I do not spend a great deal of time reflecting upon the size of my ass. I just pretend that it’s not there. ANYWAY.)

Remember these? NOT AS BIG AS THE NEW ONES, oh my hell.

The first time around the pregnancy and nursing block, the massive tits were a novelty. Oooh, look at these! A novelty that wore off as soon as there was a nipple-chomping infant latched to them, but still: there was a period of time, albeit short, during which I thought that they were pretty awesome. This, of course, was also a time during which I clung to the belief that they would just, you know, stay that way permanently, or that if they weren’t destined to remain in a state of partum robustness, that they would just bounce right back to their regular perky 34B selves. This was a belief that was, of course, shattered not long after Wonderbaby weaned – and one that shattered devastatingly – but it was nice while it lasted. This time, I don’t have the luxury of regarding my boobies through rose-coloured glasses: I note their massiveness and am immediately confronted by the fact that they will deflate. And that, I am sure, will not be pretty.

So: big, itchy and doomed to a tube-sock future. This sucks. What’s a vain and uncomfortable pregnant woman to do?

Seriously: anyone got any good leads on pregnancy-safe boob moisturizers? Jumbo-sized bras without scratchy bits that aren’t too ugly? Space-age titty technology that lifts and separates and restores mammary beauty? Anyone, anyone? PLEASE?

Help me. I pay in chocolate.

Related Posts with Thumbnails
  • email
  • Facebook
  • StumbleUpon


    pnuts mama February 11, 2008 at 7:06 pm

    has anyone recommended mother’s special blend oil to you yet? if not, i wholeheartedly love it- used it through pg and nursing the pnut, am using it this time around as well. it is a combo of a bunch of different oils and has a slightly chocolatey smell to it which is nice. you can get it on am*zon for not too much. one bottle lasted me the whole time last time, too.

    wish i could help with the bra suggestions. what horrifies me this time is i had forgotten THE VEINS- jesus freakin christ it’s like someone drew all over these things with a teal magic marker. and it’s not pretty!

    hope your itch is soothed soon.

    BOSSY February 11, 2008 at 8:17 pm

    Those look like vintage BlogHer boobies to Bossy, no? Circa 2007?

    Her Bad Mother February 11, 2008 at 9:43 pm

    Circa 2006. I was way less whorish in 2007.

    fidget February 12, 2008 at 5:21 pm

    i just had to comment and commiserate. My boobs blow up to the size of two air born zeppelins when pregnant and then when my milk comes in they briefly eclipse my face, hell my entire body.

    If you are in teh market for ginormous nursing bras biggerbras dot com has something called teh goddess. i used it first and second time around with good results. I did not order it this last pregnancy b/c.. well I would of had to order the largest cup size and even that was threatening to not fit.. yeah.. J CUP omg!!

    oh and the worst itchiness, is when your mipples itch. Oh my heck- no graceful way to do that at all

    Anonymous February 12, 2008 at 5:32 pm

    HBM maybe you could just go bra-less when you don’t have to be out anywhere and aveeno is great lotion for itchies….as for a bra to wear out sorry i only own one brassiere and only wear it when going out so as to make a good impression and the girls are still pretty big so need the support…hahaha…LAVANDULA

    Mimi February 12, 2008 at 9:44 pm

    didn’t read rest of comments, but when I swelled up to a 34h (mother of jesus!) I went with bravado: no wires, padded shoulder, soft and silky with a pattern on the outside, and cotton and smoooooth on the inside. Um, four hooks and all, but they come in black and pink and white, and the FIT and they FEEL GREAT.

    Kathleen February 13, 2008 at 9:26 pm

    Two suggestions, beyond those already posted:
    1. No soap, and cooler baths. I no it seems repugnant to not use soap on the offending itchy parts, since boobs get sweaty too, but seriously, it prevented the itch and cured cracking nipples too. My skin was so sensitive that any bath product, even the ones that formerly were OK, seemed to cause the itch. And this time of year, with dry indoors, keeping the showers a little less hot helps with the itch.
    2. Cotton, or at least cotton lined bras, nursing or otherwise. I couldn’t cope with any polyester.
    I’m wearing stuff from a company called Emma Jane. I bought them originally at a snooty store in Ottawa, surely they are sold in your city. Get them fitted properly, pay what you need to, then buy your second bra (and third etc) online for about half price.

    TheMacMommy February 15, 2008 at 8:00 pm

    Man, we all love us some boobie blogging, don’t we?

    I have to recommend Medela’s Beautiful Beginnings. I absolutely love this bra. I’ve been nursing for 19 months now. We’re on the way weaning now :(

    This bra got me through some really tough times. I bought 2 of them and they are all I wear when it comes to nursing bras.

    I am a 40 DD and I had major nipple trauma in the beginning and this bra was the most gentle and non-scratchy thing I could find. It’s like wearing pantyhose on your boobs…strange, but it really works and is very supportive.

    This link has the best pic I could find but it’s in German.

    This is the link for where I bought my 2nd one at a much better price than the local bra fitting hospital.

    Best of luck to you! :)

    Anonymous February 18, 2008 at 2:37 am

    I always had perfectly fitting special ordered bras as a 30 DD. Then I had kids, and had to try to find 32 J+ cups…. AHHH ! I hated all Fancy Free bras, and was basically miserable with child #1. With child #2, I found They have the most nursing bras on the planet, and you can order a bunch, try on, and send back what you don’t like.

    I ended up loving the Anita 5022, plus another Anita i don’t know the # of.

    Anonymous February 18, 2008 at 2:39 am

    Whoops, I meant Anita 5041.

    canape February 18, 2008 at 5:27 pm

    I love my Goddess bra (#2050) in a lovely 38H. It reigns in the girls and is cozy too.

    Staci Schoff February 20, 2008 at 1:43 am

    You make me laugh! And sadly, I’m an expert on these matters…

    I highly recommend cocoa butter (good on the stomach if you don’t want stretchmarks too), then do those resistance exercises as much as possible where you squeeze your hands together and start holding them at the waist, moving them to above your head, then start over.

    And the most comfortable bras ever (though they are not pretty, I didn’t care about pretty when I was nursing/pregnant) are Bravado. You can get them in black and leopard print and such if you want to pretend like they’re not TOO god-awful ugly, but they are SO comfy.

    Comments on this entry are closed.

    Previous post:

    Next post:, cheap brand cialis in United States,