Pickle Me This

April 9, 2008

In my inbox this morning:

The Vlasic Stork Is Calling All May Babies! One May-Born Baby Will Win Big With Vlasic Pickles! May Is National Pickle Month!

In celebration of National Pickle Month, Vlasic® Pickles is in search of a lucky May-born baby who meets the company’s criteria to become the official Vlasic® Stork Baby of 2008. The winning baby and family will win a $20,000 US Savings Bond, be officially named Vlasic® Stork Baby and receive a year’s supply of Vlasic Pickles. Entrants simply e-mail a photo of the new baby, and a statement of 50-100 words on “Why My Baby Should Be the Vlasic® Stork Baby

To sweeten the pickle even more, Vlasic® is offering the family an extra treat! If the parents of the Vlasic® Stork Baby want to show their love and dedication to Vlasic® Pickles by making his or her middle name, “Crunch,” the savings bond value will be increased to $25,000

That’s right. All I have to do is give my second-born child the middle name CRUNCH, and I could be eligible to maybe win a whole $5000, on top of a year’s supply of pickles, maybe.

Which, OMG, would totally be, like, the best thing that had ever happened to me, EVER, for seriously.

So let’s see… fifty to a hundred words… (taps side of keyboard thoughtfully)…


“Why My Baby Should Be The Vlasic® Stork Pickle Baby”

By Her Bad Mother

My baby – he’s not born yet, but we’re expecting him to arrive sometime during Pickle Month – should be The Vlasic® Stork Baby because I like pickles and also because I’m pretty sure that he will look like a pickle. Have you ever seen a newborn baby? They are wrinkly, just as if they’d been cured in vinegar, which they haven’t, but you know what I mean. Those amniotic fluids do something weird to babies, so that they look like wrinkled little pickles when they come out of your parts, which bothers some people, but not me! I like pickles! Especially the ones that still have dill stuck to them. I’m hoping that my baby will have dark hair when he comes out so that he’ll look just like a little dill-splattered pickle. (NOTE: I am willing to take pictures of his newborn pickly self, and send them to you for the purposes of press and whatever media outreach you have planned. If you could also supply me with some green food dye, I could make sure that he’s extra pickly. I will also make sure that the Vlasic® Stork trademark is prominently visible, perhaps on his forehead? Or wherever you like.)

And I will certainly give him the middle name CRUNCH. It was already on our short-list, anyway. We’ll have to rethink the first name – my husband was pulling for CAP’N, because there were some other branding opportunities there – but that won’t be a problem because Quaker Oats only provides a six-month supply of product and my husband doesn’t approve of sugary cereals for the kids anyway.

Please pickle pick my baby! It would be a dream come true!

Now, we wait! In the meantime, um… BOYCOTT VLASIC PICKLES. They want to pickle ur babeez.

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    Pgoodness April 9, 2008 at 8:50 pm

    LMAO. This was great!

    Backpacking Dad April 9, 2008 at 8:51 pm

    Too rich!

    Right before I clicked on over here I actually gave my daughter a Vlasic pickle. She’s been doing a number on it for about 15 minutes now.

    I’ll give you $10 to name your baby “Hormel”. I like chili better than pickles.

    Law Student Hot Mama April 9, 2008 at 9:36 pm

    I like it, but you should edit it to add “We WERE going to call Baby #2 ‘Crunch’ after Nestle Crunch bars, but hell, we’ll take pickles, too.”

    projectmommy April 10, 2008 at 3:15 am

    I’m pretty sure your submission would win. How could they turn own a green wrinkly baby as the winner?

    Lady M April 10, 2008 at 3:31 am

    I’m sure that there are many parents who had already intended to name their children “Crunch” and this is just a good way to take advantage of that highly marketable name.

    Sass E-mum April 10, 2008 at 3:41 am

    I’ve known people to name their children after their favourite alcohol – Bailey and Morgan – and after Star Trek characters – Chicote (or however it’s spelt). And they didn’t get paid for their trouble.

    PLENTY of people will do this.

    MamaMo April 10, 2008 at 9:50 am

    You need to watch “Idiocracy” like RIGHT NOW!!! Oh my gosh!

    MamaMo April 10, 2008 at 9:55 am

    Here’s a sneak peek at the brilliance and terror:

    bel seslaf April 10, 2008 at 9:59 am

    Unbelievable. I’m gobsmacked. Have they no dignity?

    MamaMo April 10, 2008 at 10:06 am

    OOPS!! Watch this trailer first:

    MamaMo April 10, 2008 at 10:10 am

    Sorry to flood the comments, but this stuff is TOO good to pass up. Here’s a peak at the crass commercialism that lies ahead (maybe?!):

    Anonymous April 10, 2008 at 11:13 am

    oh my gosh HBM that is so freakin hilarious! are they serious? i hope someone doesn’t rip off your brilliant entry and send it in…hahaha MMM PICKLES LAVANDULA

    Susie April 10, 2008 at 11:15 am

    LOL… the images in my mind as I read your post and scanned the comments. Somehow, someway, it will get out of my head… probably not for a few days. CAP’N CRUNCH Ha ha ha! You must send this in…

    mo-wo April 10, 2008 at 1:10 pm

    By the way we always meant to name a child Commodore and then me forgot. All yours.

    womaninawindow April 10, 2008 at 1:10 pm

    So very clever! Fun…but I gotta go, my mouth is watering.

    Wendy April 10, 2008 at 3:15 pm

    “Pickles” would be a much cuter middle name than “Crunch” — that’s the name of gym in CA, too. Ick.

    ScientistMother April 10, 2008 at 4:42 pm

    I love the absolute wittiness of this post! finally delurking, and am SOOO happy the pregnancy is going well!

    nomotherearth April 11, 2008 at 3:38 am

    You crack me up!

    Crunch…for real???

    Her Bad Mother April 11, 2008 at 9:19 am

    Mo-Wo, dude: I am so taking Commodore.

    chicken April 11, 2008 at 10:07 am

    You could always go with “Peanut Butter” for the first name…you have some extensive options there…you know, if the whole pickle thing doesn’t end up panning out for you.

    You know, in 20 years, when your daughter/son brings home the love of their life…and the middle name is PICKLE…you’ll get a huge laugh out of that one!

    Colette April 11, 2008 at 12:04 pm

    I have a friend named Dill. You could pretend he is your baby daddy in keeping with the pickle theme. It would assure you the win.

    Fairly Odd Mother April 14, 2008 at 11:13 pm

    Oh my. Laughing so hard. Crunch as a middle name? Your letter is awesome. I hope you win.

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