In my inbox this morning:
The Vlasic Stork Is Calling All May Babies! One May-Born Baby Will Win Big With Vlasic Pickles! May Is National Pickle Month!In celebration of National Pickle Month, Vlasic® Pickles is in search of a lucky May-born baby who meets the company’s criteria to become the official Vlasic® Stork Baby of 2008. The winning baby and family will win a $20,000 US Savings Bond, be officially named Vlasic® Stork Baby and receive a year’s supply of Vlasic Pickles. Entrants simply e-mail a photo of the new baby, and a statement of 50-100 words on “Why My Baby Should Be the Vlasic® Stork Baby“
To sweeten the pickle even more, Vlasic® is offering the family an extra treat! If the parents of the Vlasic® Stork Baby want to show their love and dedication to Vlasic® Pickles by making his or her middle name, “Crunch,” the savings bond value will be increased to $25,000
That’s right. All I have to do is give my second-born child the middle name CRUNCH, and I could be eligible to maybe win a whole $5000, on top of a year’s supply of pickles, maybe.
Which, OMG, would totally be, like, the best thing that had ever happened to me, EVER, for seriously.
So let’s see… fifty to a hundred words… (taps side of keyboard thoughtfully)…
Okay:
By Her Bad Mother
And I will certainly give him the middle name CRUNCH. It was already on our short-list, anyway. We’ll have to rethink the first name – my husband was pulling for CAP’N, because there were some other branding opportunities there – but that won’t be a problem because Quaker Oats only provides a six-month supply of product and my husband doesn’t approve of sugary cereals for the kids anyway.
Please pickle pick my baby! It would be a dream come true!
Now, we wait! In the meantime, um… BOYCOTT VLASIC PICKLES. They want to pickle ur babeez.
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Dammit! Oliver, why were you born three months too early for this fabulous opportunity? So much for your college fund, mister.
You know that they will receive thousands of entries, too. People are dense.
I’m going with Vlasic. What do you think that will get me?
I got that one, too.
Was debating getting pregnant for it.
What will they give you if you put branding on the birth announcement?
What are these companies thinking?
Leaves a sour after-taste for sure.
Please tell me you sent that in.
I think you should just start calling the baby “Crunch” right now. Make sure to put the little trademark (R) next to it, for extra kick.
Glennia – I can’t call the baby CRUNCH. That word makes me hungry. What if I accidentally try to eat it?
Plus, Vlasic sounds almost like Vlad, so you could just name him that… Bonus!
I was waiting for a line about how you like to be pickled, somewhere in there.
I…I…I’m at a loss for words.
Kittenpie! That would be dirty! I wouldn’t want to get disqualified (*clutched chest in horror*)
I got that, too. Wondered if they realized that my baby was born last May, not this one. But I see other non-preggos got this, too. And to think I missed out on giving Mira the middle name of Crunch.
And now I must go finish cleaning my laptop screen after reading “Please pickle my baby!” and spitting out my Diet Coke.
Oh my.
If it’s a boy and you circumcise him, is he a kosher pickle?
Can’t. Breathe. Laughing. Too. Hard.
Bwah-ha-ha! The comment, “It was already on our short-list, anyway” just slayed me.
If he’s a boy, you can expect that ‘Crunch’ will have to endure many, many “little gherkin” jokes, though. ;oP
Savvy Auntie Melanie: I just snorted pickle juice EVERYWHERE.
Any parent who would hang their child with the middle name of “Crunch” for an extra $5k in college fund deserves a child who drops out of high school, lives in the basement, and attempts to bring back Beat Poetry on Bongos as a careerfield.
That almost reads like a Lazlo Toth/Don Novello/Father Guido Sarducci letter. I mean, REALLY? Is Vlasic serious?
Papoosie Girl asked recently about taking a bath in vinegar so she could be a pickle…I’m not even sure what I said now that I think about it.
Captain is like soooo done in Park Slope.
I’d go with first name Nestlé.
Possible first names for your Vlasic Stork Baby with the middle name CRUNCH:
Gherkin
Bread n Butter
Sandwich Stackers
Polish Dill
Garlic Dill
Sweet
What, those weren’t on your list already?
Wow it’s…wow…
Name your kid Crunch and send an email about pickles to pregnant women.
Wow.
I am trying to think which is worse: this or that car ad where a badger rips off the guy’s face after they lock him in the car.
I’m thinking maybe this. I mean, after all, the car ad is FAKE, but a kid with the name Crunch is a LIFETIME of real.
Real whoppings in the schoolyard, for a start.
Vlassholes.
If only I was planning on having more children 8 months ago…
I cannot believe someone at Vlasic really believes someone will give their kid the middle name of crunch–for the rest of their life–for $5000!
However, I do think it is possible that they will consider your entry as written on your blog legit (you may just be the only one after all).
And I dare you to take picture of said pickle baby when he is born.
What are they putting in those pickles and where can I get me some? HMMM More baby first names: Data, Tech, Tummy and Time. All work well with Crunch. I say go fer it!
The sad part is that someone will actually do this. I’m sorry, is the word “blogger” synonymous with “whore?”
Gah!
So, now I’m realizing I totally want to meet someone someday boasting “Crunch” as their middle name, because how much more complete would be life be?
(Hilarious.)
Ok that essay is definitely classic.. hehe Love it.. Man.. I’d use the middle name crunch.. no problem.. you can’ always change it later…
Denise
knitchat.com
We’ll have to rethink the first name – my husband was pulling for CAP’N, because there were some other branding opportunities there…
I am laughing so hard I am in TEARS. Oh, the funny!
You are hysterical.
I seriously can’t believe that they are really doing this contest. That is crazy.
pickled bebehs has a flavor
“Crunch” is such a GREAT last name. It will go awesomely with my other three kids, whose middle names are “Crackle”, “Crispy” and “Anne.”
You have lured me out of lurkdome. Seriously woman. I am sitting in a coffeeshop, with tears running down my face and a sheepish look on my face as the other calm-coffee-drinking-folk look at me wondering if I’ve lost my mind. Holay crap. Kudos on this blog. Seeeeerious kudos.
i got the same one! all i could think was, shit, am i pregnant again? vlassholes, indeed.
I was drinking coffee as I read this, and it smelled of pickles! The power of suggestion is strong.
Possibly, the middle name of Crunch would go well with a first name of Cap’n? But it could be that it’s just me.
OMG-too damn funny!
Rofl! I think the name Crunch is a great middle name, if you want your kid to be a junk yard worker.
No WAY. Just…no WAY. I really hope you send that in.
I may have to discuss this tomorrow – this is just too good.
Crunch?!
I would love to send in my submission, but? The irony of the whole thing? I AM NOT ELIGIBLE.
As a Canadian, I cannot bear the offspring that will become the Pickle Baby, because that shit needs to be All-American, yo. So I would be naming my baby CRUNCH for nothing.
The post is funny…but the comments up the game.
Kittenpie’s takes the cake…or the pickle. Whatev.
F**K I didn’t read the rules. I just had Bumper’s name legally changed to Cruncher – this means I don’t get the prize, right?
Damn, I hope she’s not too upset about the bar code I just had tattooed on her forehead.
Vlassholes indeed.
LOL the first thing I thought was, gee you should give him the first name of Captain LOL, great minds think alike!
Okay, so I forgot to mention that my college roommate used to all her boyfriend’s dick MR. PICKLE.
God, they would have jumped all over this contest.
I will try for twins; then I could name the other precious darling “Munch,” thereby doubling the branding and snack food possibilities. (I know what you’re thinking about Munch and I’m telling you, just don’t go there. There are pickles on the line, after all.)
It is odd, but perhaps not unexpected, that I made a similar pickle connection as Kristen did in her most recent comment.
I am still stunned at the stupidity of this.
If you want to get all movie-star about it, there are lots of excellent first-name possibilities, including Traffic, Crispy, Magnificent, and Knuckle.
My sister, when she was pregnant, referred to the child by the excellent name Bubba Gazebo, which had a fine ring to it. Sadly, it turned out to be a girl so the name was utterly inappropriate. But I’m sure if this contest had been around then, she would have gone with Magnificent Crunch, which really does sound almost regal. Or like an NBA/movie/NFL star or hippie. See, so versatile. Those Vlassic folks are really thinking!
OMG.
I am laughing so hard from the post AND the comments.
Vlassholes?! Priceless.
I got the same email and my entry looked like this:
My baby should be the Vlasic Stork baby because, um, she’s SOUR.
lmfao.
LMAO. This is too good to be true.
I really hope you win.
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