Pickle Me This

April 9, 2008

In my inbox this morning:

The Vlasic Stork Is Calling All May Babies! One May-Born Baby Will Win Big With Vlasic Pickles! May Is National Pickle Month!

In celebration of National Pickle Month, Vlasic® Pickles is in search of a lucky May-born baby who meets the company’s criteria to become the official Vlasic® Stork Baby of 2008. The winning baby and family will win a $20,000 US Savings Bond, be officially named Vlasic® Stork Baby and receive a year’s supply of Vlasic Pickles. Entrants simply e-mail a photo of the new baby, and a statement of 50-100 words on “Why My Baby Should Be the Vlasic® Stork Baby

To sweeten the pickle even more, Vlasic® is offering the family an extra treat! If the parents of the Vlasic® Stork Baby want to show their love and dedication to Vlasic® Pickles by making his or her middle name, “Crunch,” the savings bond value will be increased to $25,000

That’s right. All I have to do is give my second-born child the middle name CRUNCH, and I could be eligible to maybe win a whole $5000, on top of a year’s supply of pickles, maybe.

Which, OMG, would totally be, like, the best thing that had ever happened to me, EVER, for seriously.

So let’s see… fifty to a hundred words… (taps side of keyboard thoughtfully)…


“Why My Baby Should Be The Vlasic® Stork Pickle Baby”

By Her Bad Mother

My baby – he’s not born yet, but we’re expecting him to arrive sometime during Pickle Month – should be The Vlasic® Stork Baby because I like pickles and also because I’m pretty sure that he will look like a pickle. Have you ever seen a newborn baby? They are wrinkly, just as if they’d been cured in vinegar, which they haven’t, but you know what I mean. Those amniotic fluids do something weird to babies, so that they look like wrinkled little pickles when they come out of your parts, which bothers some people, but not me! I like pickles! Especially the ones that still have dill stuck to them. I’m hoping that my baby will have dark hair when he comes out so that he’ll look just like a little dill-splattered pickle. (NOTE: I am willing to take pictures of his newborn pickly self, and send them to you for the purposes of press and whatever media outreach you have planned. If you could also supply me with some green food dye, I could make sure that he’s extra pickly. I will also make sure that the Vlasic® Stork trademark is prominently visible, perhaps on his forehead? Or wherever you like.)

And I will certainly give him the middle name CRUNCH. It was already on our short-list, anyway. We’ll have to rethink the first name – my husband was pulling for CAP’N, because there were some other branding opportunities there – but that won’t be a problem because Quaker Oats only provides a six-month supply of product and my husband doesn’t approve of sugary cereals for the kids anyway.

Please pickle pick my baby! It would be a dream come true!

Now, we wait! In the meantime, um… BOYCOTT VLASIC PICKLES. They want to pickle ur babeez.

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    mothergoosemouse April 9, 2008 at 12:07 pm

    Dammit! Oliver, why were you born three months too early for this fabulous opportunity? So much for your college fund, mister.

    FishyGirl April 9, 2008 at 12:18 pm

    You know that they will receive thousands of entries, too. People are dense.

    Motherhood "Vlasic" Uncensored April 9, 2008 at 12:20 pm

    I’m going with Vlasic. What do you think that will get me?

    Busy Mom April 9, 2008 at 12:25 pm

    I got that one, too.

    Was debating getting pregnant for it.

    Susan April 9, 2008 at 12:28 pm

    What will they give you if you put branding on the birth announcement?

    What are these companies thinking?

    Leaves a sour after-taste for sure.

    Dana April 9, 2008 at 12:29 pm

    Please tell me you sent that in.

    Glennia April 9, 2008 at 12:30 pm

    I think you should just start calling the baby “Crunch” right now. Make sure to put the little trademark (R) next to it, for extra kick.

    Her Bad Mother April 9, 2008 at 12:33 pm

    Glennia – I can’t call the baby CRUNCH. That word makes me hungry. What if I accidentally try to eat it?

    kittenpie April 9, 2008 at 12:34 pm

    Plus, Vlasic sounds almost like Vlad, so you could just name him that… Bonus!

    I was waiting for a line about how you like to be pickled, somewhere in there.

    Assertagirl April 9, 2008 at 12:36 pm

    I…I…I’m at a loss for words.

    Her Bad Mother April 9, 2008 at 12:39 pm

    Kittenpie! That would be dirty! I wouldn’t want to get disqualified (*clutched chest in horror*)

    Christina April 9, 2008 at 12:39 pm

    I got that, too. Wondered if they realized that my baby was born last May, not this one. But I see other non-preggos got this, too. And to think I missed out on giving Mira the middle name of Crunch.

    And now I must go finish cleaning my laptop screen after reading “Please pickle my baby!” and spitting out my Diet Coke.

    Heather April 9, 2008 at 12:40 pm

    Oh my.

    Savvy Auntie Melanie Notkin April 9, 2008 at 12:41 pm

    If it’s a boy and you circumcise him, is he a kosher pickle?

    Leslie April 9, 2008 at 12:42 pm

    Can’t. Breathe. Laughing. Too. Hard.

    Carolyn B. April 9, 2008 at 12:43 pm

    Bwah-ha-ha! The comment, “It was already on our short-list, anyway” just slayed me.

    If he’s a boy, you can expect that ‘Crunch’ will have to endure many, many “little gherkin” jokes, though. ;oP

    Her Bad Mother April 9, 2008 at 12:47 pm

    Savvy Auntie Melanie: I just snorted pickle juice EVERYWHERE.

    lucretia April 9, 2008 at 12:54 pm

    Any parent who would hang their child with the middle name of “Crunch” for an extra $5k in college fund deserves a child who drops out of high school, lives in the basement, and attempts to bring back Beat Poetry on Bongos as a careerfield.

    Petunia Face April 9, 2008 at 12:55 pm

    That almost reads like a Lazlo Toth/Don Novello/Father Guido Sarducci letter. I mean, REALLY? Is Vlasic serious?

    Jenifer April 9, 2008 at 12:55 pm

    Papoosie Girl asked recently about taking a bath in vinegar so she could be a pickle…I’m not even sure what I said now that I think about it.

    Mom101 April 9, 2008 at 12:56 pm

    Captain is like soooo done in Park Slope.

    I’d go with first name Nestlé.

    Table for Five April 9, 2008 at 12:59 pm

    Possible first names for your Vlasic Stork Baby with the middle name CRUNCH:

    Bread n Butter
    Sandwich Stackers
    Polish Dill
    Garlic Dill

    What, those weren’t on your list already?

    Julie Pippert April 9, 2008 at 12:59 pm

    Wow it’s…wow…

    Name your kid Crunch and send an email about pickles to pregnant women.


    I am trying to think which is worse: this or that car ad where a badger rips off the guy’s face after they lock him in the car.

    I’m thinking maybe this. I mean, after all, the car ad is FAKE, but a kid with the name Crunch is a LIFETIME of real.

    Real whoppings in the schoolyard, for a start.

    LOD April 9, 2008 at 1:00 pm


    miranda April 9, 2008 at 1:01 pm

    If only I was planning on having more children 8 months ago…

    Shannon Nelson April 9, 2008 at 1:02 pm

    I cannot believe someone at Vlasic really believes someone will give their kid the middle name of crunch–for the rest of their life–for $5000!

    However, I do think it is possible that they will consider your entry as written on your blog legit (you may just be the only one after all).

    And I dare you to take picture of said pickle baby when he is born. ;)

    Merrycricket April 9, 2008 at 1:03 pm

    What are they putting in those pickles and where can I get me some? HMMM More baby first names: Data, Tech, Tummy and Time. All work well with Crunch. I say go fer it!

    Karen Sugarpants April 9, 2008 at 1:07 pm

    The sad part is that someone will actually do this. I’m sorry, is the word “blogger” synonymous with “whore?”


    kerrianne.org April 9, 2008 at 1:16 pm

    So, now I’m realizing I totally want to meet someone someday boasting “Crunch” as their middle name, because how much more complete would be life be?


    Sorka April 9, 2008 at 1:18 pm

    Ok that essay is definitely classic.. hehe Love it.. Man.. I’d use the middle name crunch.. no problem.. you can’ always change it later…

    mamatulip April 9, 2008 at 1:43 pm

    We’ll have to rethink the first name – my husband was pulling for CAP’N, because there were some other branding opportunities there…

    I am laughing so hard I am in TEARS. Oh, the funny!

    caramama April 9, 2008 at 1:50 pm

    You are hysterical.

    I seriously can’t believe that they are really doing this contest. That is crazy.

    flutter April 9, 2008 at 1:51 pm

    pickled bebehs has a flavor

    Beck April 9, 2008 at 1:53 pm

    “Crunch” is such a GREAT last name. It will go awesomely with my other three kids, whose middle names are “Crackle”, “Crispy” and “Anne.”

    Lea April 9, 2008 at 2:04 pm

    You have lured me out of lurkdome. Seriously woman. I am sitting in a coffeeshop, with tears running down my face and a sheepish look on my face as the other calm-coffee-drinking-folk look at me wondering if I’ve lost my mind. Holay crap. Kudos on this blog. Seeeeerious kudos.

    kgirl April 9, 2008 at 2:45 pm

    i got the same one! all i could think was, shit, am i pregnant again? vlassholes, indeed.

    Occidental Girl April 9, 2008 at 3:09 pm

    I was drinking coffee as I read this, and it smelled of pickles! The power of suggestion is strong.

    Possibly, the middle name of Crunch would go well with a first name of Cap’n? But it could be that it’s just me.

    GoMommy April 9, 2008 at 3:35 pm

    OMG-too damn funny!

    Awesome Mom April 9, 2008 at 4:02 pm

    Rofl! I think the name Crunch is a great middle name, if you want your kid to be a junk yard worker.

    Jen M. April 9, 2008 at 4:21 pm

    No WAY. Just…no WAY. I really hope you send that in.

    I may have to discuss this tomorrow – this is just too good.


    Her Bad Mother April 9, 2008 at 4:29 pm

    I would love to send in my submission, but? The irony of the whole thing? I AM NOT ELIGIBLE.

    As a Canadian, I cannot bear the offspring that will become the Pickle Baby, because that shit needs to be All-American, yo. So I would be naming my baby CRUNCH for nothing.

    Kyla April 9, 2008 at 4:42 pm

    The post is funny…but the comments up the game.

    Kittenpie’s takes the cake…or the pickle. Whatev.

    motherbumper April 9, 2008 at 4:55 pm

    F**K I didn’t read the rules. I just had Bumper’s name legally changed to Cruncher – this means I don’t get the prize, right?

    Damn, I hope she’s not too upset about the bar code I just had tattooed on her forehead.

    Vlassholes indeed.

    Not Your Regular Mini Van Mom April 9, 2008 at 5:09 pm

    LOL the first thing I thought was, gee you should give him the first name of Captain LOL, great minds think alike!

    Kristen April 9, 2008 at 6:39 pm

    Okay, so I forgot to mention that my college roommate used to all her boyfriend’s dick MR. PICKLE.

    God, they would have jumped all over this contest.

    Mer April 9, 2008 at 7:04 pm

    I will try for twins; then I could name the other precious darling “Munch,” thereby doubling the branding and snack food possibilities. (I know what you’re thinking about Munch and I’m telling you, just don’t go there. There are pickles on the line, after all.)

    Susan April 9, 2008 at 7:15 pm

    It is odd, but perhaps not unexpected, that I made a similar pickle connection as Kristen did in her most recent comment.

    I am still stunned at the stupidity of this.

    MommyTime April 9, 2008 at 7:28 pm

    If you want to get all movie-star about it, there are lots of excellent first-name possibilities, including Traffic, Crispy, Magnificent, and Knuckle.

    My sister, when she was pregnant, referred to the child by the excellent name Bubba Gazebo, which had a fine ring to it. Sadly, it turned out to be a girl so the name was utterly inappropriate. But I’m sure if this contest had been around then, she would have gone with Magnificent Crunch, which really does sound almost regal. Or like an NBA/movie/NFL star or hippie. See, so versatile. Those Vlassic folks are really thinking!

    the new girl April 9, 2008 at 7:41 pm

    I am laughing so hard from the post AND the comments.
    Vlassholes?! Priceless.

    I got the same email and my entry looked like this:

    My baby should be the Vlasic Stork baby because, um, she’s SOUR.


    Lisa b April 9, 2008 at 7:48 pm

    LMAO. This is too good to be true.

    I really hope you win.

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