Sammich, With Bevvies, To Go (A Urinary Tale)

April 13, 2008

“I no go pottie”

“That’s fine. If you don’t have to go, that’s fine.”

“I fine. I no have to go.”

There’s a loud rip as the diaper is torn and yanked out from between her legs, and then a thud as it lands at my feet.

“I no need diaper.”

“I would rather you wear a diaper.”

“No.”

“Then you need to wear your Dora pants.”

“No. I fine. I put pee-pee in toilet.”

Fine, I think. Whatever. I’m too far exhausted to wrestle her into a diaper, and far too mentally and emotionally spent to invite another tantrum. And isn’t there some sort of toilet-training method that involves just letting your kid run around naked and piss on the floor and it’s all like attachment-potty-training or some such shit? Whatever. I GIVE UP.

Five minutes later, I notice that she has a small plastic cup – a bath toy – clutched between her knees.

“What are you doing with the cup, sweetie?”

“I just HOLDING IT. I FINE. YOU DON’T TAKE IT AWAY.”

Whatever.

Two minutes later, my attention – heretofore entirely occupied by the critical task of figuring out whether to hoist my massive, belly-heavy self to its feet and down to the kitchen for more chocolate, and risk distracting the hellion from her concentrated effort to balance wooden fried eggs between wooden slices of bread and create the perfect fake fried egg sandwich, or to just stay safely and comfortably put – is captured by the sound of a single stream of rain hitting an empty plastic bucket.

It’s not raining. And we have no buckets.

Wonderbaby has abandoned her toy kitchen cum sandwich station and is standing with chubby naked legs spread, both of her little hands clutching the plastic cup directly beneath her nether regions, and is peeing into the cup. She waits for the stream to run its course, and then waits another moment to catch the drips, and then marches blithely past me, out of the playroom and into the bathroom, where – as I continue to watch, in stunned, immobile silence – she carefully pours the contents of the cup into the toilet and flushes.

“I PUT PEE-PEE IN TOILET MAMA. I ALL DONE.”

Then she washes her hands, and leaves the cup in the bathroom sink. She returns to her post in the playroom, where she puts the wooden slices of bread stacked with wooden fried eggs on a little wooden plate, dashes some imaginary salt from the toy shaker over it all, and hands it to me.

“There you go Mama. You need my cup? For juice?”

Does one laugh, or cry? SERIOUSLY.

Am f*cked.

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    { 83 comments }

    cheezewhizandmustard April 14, 2008 at 10:14 pm

    That is talent. I have a hard time peeing perfectly into the damn cup every time I go to my prenatal appointment!

    Her Bad Mother April 14, 2008 at 10:16 pm

    Cheezewhiz – tell me about it. I can’t get a stream in to save my life at this point. So, yeah: I envy her talent.

    dana April 14, 2008 at 11:37 pm

    Oh, Catherine! This is the best thing I have read all night. I can just picture the whole thing…I can almost see Dawson doing something like this. I was laughing so hard that my husband called from the living room, “Are you gonna lay that egg already?” (Okay, maybe I was cackling.)

    Then he came over to read it and he says, “wow. this lady can write. funny shit!”

    so. there you have it.

    (I’m still giggling.)

    Haley-O April 14, 2008 at 11:45 pm

    Are you kidding? It’s BRILLIANT! I love it! Must give Monkey cup to pee in! Believe me, it’s better than the floor (been there done that)!

    mamatulip April 15, 2008 at 9:27 am

    I am still marveling at the fact that she got all the pee in the cup. If one of my darlings tried to pee in a cup, there would be no pee in the cup. It’d be all over my floor.

    furiousBall April 15, 2008 at 10:13 am

    one baby, one cup

    womaninawindow April 15, 2008 at 11:22 am

    Makes perfect sense to me!

    Her Bad Mother April 15, 2008 at 1:19 pm

    Mama T – if it had gone all over the floor, I wouldn’t be around to write about it. My head would have blown clean off my shoulders.

    Chris April 15, 2008 at 1:51 pm

    Looks like you have prodigy in your midst. Peeing in a cup with great aim, how can you not be proud. I am with you though with having the kids just run around naked untill they are potty trained and some sort of cleaner pooper picker upper follows them around.

    Miss Britt April 15, 2008 at 2:25 pm

    That is brilliant.

    I can NEVER get the pee to stay in the cup.

    Mandy April 15, 2008 at 3:25 pm

    That is a great story! We are struggling with potty issues over here, although it’s #2 which looms over our head. For love or money, can’t get the boy to do it in the potty.

    Anyway, first time commenter and am loving your blog!

    Scary Mommy April 15, 2008 at 4:41 pm

    That is hilarious and totally something that would happen in my house!!

    Miss Merry Sunshine April 15, 2008 at 5:12 pm

    “I just HOLDING IT. I FINE. YOU DON’T TAKE IT AWAY.”

    I freaking love this kid!! I’m afraid my own Fatty is going to be this strong willed and then I will just raise the white flag. I can’t handle 2 meanie kids. I cannot believe she can pee in a cup!!! I think she’ll be there soon :)

    Minnesota Matron April 15, 2008 at 6:50 pm

    With girls, this sort of thing is an art form. The boys? They will take that stream and have at it. When my five-year old needs to pee, he’ll yell: “Sword fight” and his big brother and father (yes) will run in and pee too, sword fighting with the streams. I am so sorry I reproduced. Or married?

    Urban Daddy April 15, 2008 at 8:22 pm

    … unbelievable!

    ~Kat~ April 15, 2008 at 9:02 pm

    Oh, that “rip” and “thud” diaper fling ritual sounds ever so familiar. So- now you ask yourself the question, “does a recepticle by any other name still smell as sweet as a proper potty”? and if the answer is “heck no- she got it IN, man!” then walk away smirking that she GOT it…

    Animal April 15, 2008 at 9:04 pm

    I just love imagining her look of steely-eyed determination as she marches past you with her cup of “juice.” Hi.Lar.I.Ous.

    mothergoosemouse April 15, 2008 at 9:23 pm

    I’m just so impressed that she can hit the cup. I’m thirty-plus years older than her, and I still have trouble with that.

    Her Bad Mother April 15, 2008 at 9:35 pm

    MGM – you should have seen me today at prenatal visit, trying to get the piss in a cup. EMBARRASSING. My toddler can outpiss me.

    justmylife April 16, 2008 at 12:48 pm

    Well, it is better than the floor. I am impressed, I can’t pee in a cup without getting it everywhere. Maybe I should try it standing up! I guess whatever works!

    The Former Idealist April 16, 2008 at 7:01 pm

    So my kid stripping, strapping on snow boots, then deciding to pee in a nearby laundry basket isn’t so unusual after all?

    Good to know.

    Lisa b April 16, 2008 at 7:18 pm

    mine just peed on the floor.
    I think you are very lucky.

    irishkat April 16, 2008 at 10:08 pm

    To fricking funny. She is pure brilliance in the making. But I don’t think I would ever trust any beverage she offered me!

    Karianna April 17, 2008 at 12:23 am

    Mmm. Yeah. Mine urinated on a Thomas the Train car saying he was filling it with freight. Fun times!

    well read hostess April 17, 2008 at 9:40 am

    Laugh. By all means laugh. And make sure to save this account of the event for her high school graduation party and/or wedding reception.

    ladyvonkulp April 17, 2008 at 11:19 am

    Duct tape. With the first child, I had to resort first to putting on the diaper backwards, then to duct tape.

    daysgoby April 17, 2008 at 12:03 pm

    What about going to a few really neat sports bottles or drink containers with lids and straws? Just for a few weeks until she forgets about this?

    nonlineargirl April 17, 2008 at 5:00 pm

    Cup and all, it still sounds better than how things are going at my house. Ada appears to be holding her urine all afternoon, in order to pee as much as possible while in the bath. Did I mention that toddlers like to drink bath water? Sigh.

    Oh wait, that’s not fair. She pees other places. Like on purpose on the pillow from the couch. Nice.

    ~**Dawn**~ April 17, 2008 at 6:59 pm

    I am duly impressed. That takes some concentration! Even for those of us that have the potty mastered. ;-)

    gurukarm April 17, 2008 at 8:38 pm

    I like assertagirl’s comment – makes me think of a new use for archived blog posts – “you must read this URL before you take my daughter out” bwaaahhaaahaa!

    hah – this is one smart kiddo, HBM! “wonder” indeed.

    kc April 24, 2008 at 5:13 pm

    Hello! I found your site when I was looking at someone else’s. This post made me laugh a lot. :)

    'cuz I'm the mommy, that's why! April 14, 2009 at 3:30 am

    Monsterously funny! Wonderbaby has mad pee skillz! Can she teach me how to do that without getting it all over my hands?

    Little Chickadee April 23, 2009 at 6:09 pm

    Awesome! And hysterical! And yes, you’re completely screwed. As Shrek said, ‘Join the club – we’ve got jackets.’ :)

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