If This Is It, Please Let Me Know

May 5, 2008

UPDATE: No baby yet. Have been to hospital and they say that I am in ‘early’ labor and that it could go on for days and oh, hai, yeah, sometimes it hurts like a bitch but it’s just that way sometimes. Will update on that hospital visit – which made me, much to my embarassment, cry – later, after I have drunk my castor-oil martinis.

You all are getting sick to the death of the subject of my pregnancy, I know, and I apologize. Believe me, if I could summon the will to discourse intelligently upon any other topic, I would do so. Because, yes – as I keep saying over and over again – I am well and truly sick to the death of it myself.

I’ve been having crazy false labor for about the past 16 hours now. It’s not regular labor, because, well, it’s irregular, but it’s more painful than past episodes, and this morning it’s involving actual back pain and shit and although I know that this can go on for weeks, it feels different enough that I think something might be up. Which means, of course – because I have gone and written those words down and therefore invited the gods to bitch-slap me hard – that it’s all probably all going to amount to nothing. But still: I get to sit here and feel my insides cramp up and wonder, for the umpteenth time, is this it? while contemplating the pros and cons of either continuing suffer through an interminable labor (because, false or not, this feels like labor, and so it is, to my mind, labor, and someday this kid is going to hear all about how mommy was in labor with you for weeks and don’t you forget it) OR finally getting to a point where this kid might decide to get his massive self out of there.

For the record: the ‘pros’ of this continuing to be false labor involve the fact that so long as the labor is false, I do not have to get up off my lazy ass and do anything about it, like, say, pushing a giant kid out of my nether regions. The pros of this being true labor, obviously, involve the fact that I CAN HAS GIANT FETUS OUT OF MAH UTURUS kthxbye?

This is me, this morning, at 37 and a half weeks pregnant:

I am massive. My back hurts. My belly hurts. And it just keeps contracting and uncontracting and messing with my head omfg and I wish that I knew whether this time, it really is time.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go double over in pain and pray for respite.

Everybody who participated in the shower this weekend? Thank you all beyond much, really. I’m trying to get around to all the posts to thank you personally – I’ve made it to about half of them so far, I think – but I’m being slowed by this may-or-may-not-be-labor thing. I promise that I’ll get there eventually. In the meantime, big love to you all. (And also to everybody who talked me down from my panic about C-section nazis terrorizing me with their calls of doom and gory videos. Thanks for hearing me out, and for, as always, saying just the right soothing things in low tones and telling me to just go ahead, get it out, be angry. I love you for that.)

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    Janet May 6, 2008 at 1:57 pm

    Those last few weeks of pregnancy are so crappy so your brain will forget that you have to pass a watermelon out of your nether regions and, instead, just want desperately for it to end. For f*ck’s sake.


    B May 6, 2008 at 5:47 pm

    Oh no castor oil! I had the same predicament for um, don’t kill me, weeks with my third. (I thought subsequent babies were supposed to fly out) My mother in law had me sucking down blue and black cohosh for days. It’s gross and a crock of shit as it did nothing to progress my labor.

    Good luck! I’ll be thinking of you!

    Elizabeth May 6, 2008 at 6:03 pm

    stopped by to see if there was a baby announcement yet! Keeping you in my thoughts ;)

    Phoebe's Phriends May 6, 2008 at 7:16 pm

    I don’t mean to make this all about us (your readers), but really, we are eager for this baby to arrive! See what you can do about that, wouldja?

    Hannah May 6, 2008 at 8:09 pm

    Just… oh. Your belly is gorgeous. Although I know you think we’re mad to be saying that. ;)

    Hang in there. Really and truly this labour will be easier than you think. Even if it is a giant baby.

    twelvekindsofcrazy May 6, 2008 at 8:25 pm

    You look amazing! And I am reading every last ounce of your pregnancy blogging. I’m 27 weeks now and can not comprehend that I’m going to keep getting bigger. Not getting it. Nope. Not even after I typed that.

    Anonymous May 6, 2008 at 9:31 pm

    Oh, poor you, poor you. I wish this was face to face so you would hear and see my sincere support. Hang in, hang in; you can do this. I wish I could take a shift for you, say 8 hours of enduring all of the pain and discomfort so you can dance about in my non-pregnant body and bend over and pick up WB and dance around and sleep 8 hours straight etc…etc… Oh I wish I could take a shift for you.

    BTW YOU DO look gorgeous!

    mrsmogul May 6, 2008 at 10:05 pm

    Man good luck! When I was in labor I was in denial! I kept on ironing! Now with this pregnancy I hope I won’t be sitting around wondering with labor pains!

    Carrie May 6, 2008 at 10:14 pm

    I am a lurker, but I keep checking your blog to see if the new baby is born yet! I hope your *real* labor is underway (or over)…

    On the other hand, I’ve also selfishly been dreading the birth in case it keeps you away from the blog.

    Her Bad Mother May 6, 2008 at 10:15 pm

    MM – the massive headf*ck of false/early labor is that you DON’T know. SUCKS. LARGE.

    Anonymous May 6, 2008 at 11:12 pm

    Oh, the early labor/prelabor crap. Ugh. I had it for a solid week before my son was born. Hurt horribly, and drove me crazy wondering when the real thing was going to start. I lost my mucus plug after two days and thought, yippee, time for the baby! But no. Five more days of prelabor. I feel for you! Hang in there!

    jenB May 6, 2008 at 11:20 pm

    Your belly is truly beautiful. I am wishing you a safe and healthy delivery. Thinking of you!!!


    Mom101 May 7, 2008 at 12:35 am

    “I am massive. My back hurts. My belly hurts.”

    And yet your ass looks mahhhhvelous.

    I am crossing my fingers that things ease up soon. Although if you do get to Sunday you can share Sage’s birthday. Which, by the way, came nearly two weeks late. But I don’t wish that on you, no way, no how.

    mo-wo May 7, 2008 at 1:32 am

    You do look mahhhhvahhhlous. Ah I was hoping they got some dates wrong or something and that it might be a go for ya.

    This from the woman who went to 41 weeks with my son 10lb 3.

    But enough support and understanding….

    Stop thinking about labour or you will go INSANE!! Get 40 movies and start redesigning your garden or something. Stop thinking about labour it is nightmare. Or did you not read my crazy
    LLLOOOOOOOONG birth story
    with the nuthatch. No of course you didn’t.

    He’s going to be amazing. And he is going to be here soon enough. Between you and me, maybe you should resume the right to drink.

    Deb May 7, 2008 at 10:55 am

    I hope everything goes well, sending good thoughts. Take care.

    IRISHKAT May 7, 2008 at 1:54 pm

    I think you and your belly look fab! Sending happy thoughts your way!!

    Aimee Greeblemonkey May 8, 2008 at 1:02 pm

    I feel like the worst Internet friend ever, that I completely missed the shower. For both you and Mrs. Chicken – GAH!!! I am so sorry!

    But I *am* thinking of you and wishing you all the best on you impending baby exorcism.

    Aimee Greeblemonkey May 8, 2008 at 1:03 pm

    And clearly my computer feels sorry too, thus the multiple comments.

    number May 22, 2008 at 7:42 am

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