He Says It’s His Birthday

July 31, 2008

This man? I love this man. He’s a big ol’ doofus, and sometimes a bit of an ass, but he’s my hero, my heart, the love of my life. And it’s his birthday.

And seeing as he’s always asking me why he doesn’t get more love on this here blog (“Why don’t you write about me more?” I didn’t think you’d want me to. “I wouldn’t mind.” Okay. —silence— “Are you going to?” Maybe. —silence— “You could explain to everyone that I’m really an ass.” DONE.) I thought, why not make this all about him? Which is to say, why not ask you to make this all about him. I’m tired today, and besides, I need to go out and get him cake. You all should do the work. Leave him some love in the comments, and then I’ll take all the credit. (See, honey? I got the intarwebs to make love to you on my blog! Happy now?)

He likes puns, dirty jokes, music and links to stupid things on the Internet. He’s been known to laugh at pictures of meerkats. If you have any tips for making the perfect espresso, catching fish, or dealing with moody wives, then I’m sure he’d like to hear about that, too.

Dispense your gifts in the comments. I’ll get the cake.

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    Backpacking Dad July 31, 2008 at 4:07 pm

    Dealing with moody wives: Bring home a freshly-caught fish and let her know that you’ve provided dinner and will gladly allow her to clean it for you.

    motherbumper July 31, 2008 at 4:12 pm

    Hey HBF, you is one lucky dude with that sweet little family of your so Happy Birthday BadDad, and many happy returns.

    Sorry, no advice on the moody wife tho’ b/c I have issues with thinking outside the box.

    TSM-terrifically superiorily mediocre July 31, 2008 at 4:14 pm

    Okay I can’t just leave tips on catching fish without some details. What kind of fishing does he do? Ocean? Lakes? Rivers?

    I think you should buy him the Mighty Lure system. I hear it totally R0XX0rs. I would know because mine hasn’t arrived yet.

    But happy birthday!!

    Fairly Odd Mother July 31, 2008 at 4:16 pm

    Our tip for catching fish: Put a piece of corn (from a can works just fine) at the end of the hook. No kidding. Every kid who tried (and we’re talking at least 10) caught a fish within minutes.

    And, Happy Birthday!

    brandonsmom_02 July 31, 2008 at 4:17 pm

    I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger….
    and then it hit me.

    My favorite.

    Happy birthday!

    Her Bad Mother July 31, 2008 at 4:17 pm

    TSM – lakes. But recently, mostly in his imagination.

    Steph July 31, 2008 at 4:17 pm

    Happy Birthday HBF! Look, HBM got you a beautiful new baby :)

    Trillian July 31, 2008 at 4:19 pm

    Happy b-day HBF!! The perfect espresso starts with the perfect bean, so start roasting your own coffee. You can use this roaster http://www.sweetmarias.com/prod.freshroast.shtml to get started. It’s quick and easy and probably won’t burn the house down. ;-) Sweet Maria’s ships to Canada but you can also get green beans in Canada here http://www.greenbeanery.ca/bean/catalog/index.php?cPath=21_26
    We started roasting our own beans a few weeks ago and we won’t ever go back to buying pre-roasted coffee-seriously, it’s that good.
    As for the moody wife, chocolate-the darker the better. And take the kids for a walk while she takes a nice hot bath. Seems to work for my moody wife. ;-)

    Syko July 31, 2008 at 4:20 pm

    Happy Birthday, Their Bad Father! None of us even know your name, but we love you anyway, for your good fatherhood, good husbandness, and of course your handsome appearance. Enjoy this birthday, and many many more!

    Vered July 31, 2008 at 4:22 pm

    He’s cute!

    (It’s OK to say it, right??)

    Happy birthday. :)

    Veronica @Toddled Dredge July 31, 2008 at 4:23 pm

    I said, “You should know that this is my fourth baby and I feel entitled to get mad at you.” He said, “You should know that this is MY fourth baby and I feel entitled to fight back.”

    Happy Birthday, HBF. Feel entitled.

    Also, funny links:

    liv July 31, 2008 at 4:26 pm

    happy birthday!

    fishing: on the last trip, we learned that cut, live bait worked substantially better than anything previously frozen.

    the senor and i were rewarded with two (cough) prizes: a shark and a stingray.

    Janet July 31, 2008 at 4:27 pm

    Happy birthday! This is the second Internet birthday wish I have extended today. I’m exhausted.

    Someone sent me a link to 161 Condom Slogans. It’s a bit of overkill but there are some funny ones:
    - Especially in December, giftwrap your member
    - Don’t be a fool, vulcanize your tool
    and, my personal favourite:
    - Cover your pipe, you dumb ass wipe

    Want to read more? No? Shocking.

    Dana July 31, 2008 at 4:27 pm

    Happy birthday HBF!!

    nonlineargirl July 31, 2008 at 4:40 pm

    Likes puns? He’s a keeper. (no really, I love puns)

    Lisa b July 31, 2008 at 4:41 pm

    Happy Birthday Mr Bad.

    Moody wives respond well to chocolate and you taking the kids away.

    just sayin…

    Ms Picket To You July 31, 2008 at 4:43 pm

    This is the current #1 joke in our house and I offer it up because I dig me some birthday cake:

    What do you say when you see a brown chicken and a brown cow?

    Brown chicken brown cow.

    (Go ahead; say it. Out loud.)

    Redneck Mommy July 31, 2008 at 4:48 pm

    Happy Birthday HBF.

    If you ever need a break from that wife of yours and your kids, send them my way.

    I’d be more than happy to take them off your hands for a few days. Or weeks.

    Consider it a standing invitation. My birthday gift to you.


    wright July 31, 2008 at 4:55 pm

    Happy Birthday!

    Karen Sugarpants July 31, 2008 at 4:55 pm

    Happy Birthday Ass. Hope you get lots of love like this: http://www.cuteaddict.com/images/2007/04/19/meercats.jpg

    Pgoodness July 31, 2008 at 4:56 pm

    Happy Birthday HBF!!!!

    Forever In School July 31, 2008 at 5:15 pm

    Happy Birthday Her(Their) Bad Father!

    This is the cutest picture ever, with you and those two little creatures. You are very lucky, just for that moment, if nothing else.

    Undomestic Diva July 31, 2008 at 5:29 pm

    Happy birthday!!

    Chick July 31, 2008 at 5:36 pm

    wow, your hubby is HAWT!

    happy birthday!

    Shania July 31, 2008 at 5:39 pm

    Here’a a link to silly stuffs on the interwebs: http://noiamnotclairemartin.blogspot.com/ and Happy Birthday!

    Overflowing Brain July 31, 2008 at 5:48 pm

    Happy Birthday!

    What’s the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?

    You can’t hear an enzyme.


    Kelly July 31, 2008 at 6:11 pm

    Happy Birthday, HBF. I share our best joke with you, which has been passed down from generation to generation. It was my father’s (RIP) and now I’ve given it to my son. (that’s my story and I’m sticking to it).


    Heather July 31, 2008 at 6:14 pm

    My husband swears by green (although they look yellow to me) Power Bait. The worms. Also spinner bait for casting. Keep switching lures with different colors and blades until you find the one that works.

    My husband does all the lure switching. I just throw out the casts and catch the fish.

    Happy birthday HBF!

    Anonymous July 31, 2008 at 6:21 pm

    Dumb internet trick that everyone probably knows already:

    Go to google, type in “find chuck norris” end.

    Also entertaining and kind of frightening? Google your landline phone number. OOOOOOH! Scary.

    Happy Birthday to His/Her Bad Father, and Her Bad Husband:)

    Mouse July 31, 2008 at 6:21 pm

    Happy Birthday, HBF!

    Trillian mentioned she’d left a comment on coffee, but left out the dealing-with-a-moody-wife bit. All I can say is that I was the last one to buy the dark chocolate!

    I’d leave you with a joke, but the only ones I can think of right now are my son’s, and they lack a little something, i.e. a punchline that makes sense.

    Mandy July 31, 2008 at 6:36 pm

    Happy Birthday!

    No help on the distractions (either for moody women or catching fish), but I’ve always found the best espresso is found on a Saturday morning alone in a coffee shop with comfy chairs, the newspaper and a scone on the side.

    carrie July 31, 2008 at 6:39 pm

    Aw! Happy Birthday HBF! As far as moody wives go, just do the dishes (with a smile) and clean the poopy butts and all w/out a single grumble and all should be pretty dang good.

    Or, at least just a little!

    Enjoy your day. :)

    mamatulip July 31, 2008 at 6:40 pm

    Happy Birthday!

    Here’s your horoscope for today:

    Happy Birthday: Keep things a little secretive this year and you will prosper. You will have some unique, profitable ideas. A relationship may need some fixing and a choice must be made. Don’t give in or sell out because you are afraid to go it alone. Believe in yourself, your abilities and your future. Your numbers are 10, 14, 23, 35, 40, 47.

    Birthday Baby: You are exciting, dynamic and a born leader. You are sensitive, changeable and always ready to take action. You demand loyalty and freedom and need to follow your own path.

    BORN ON THIS DAY: Eric Lively, 27; Dean Cain, 42; J.K.Rowling, 43; Wesley Snipes, 46

    Anonymous July 31, 2008 at 6:40 pm

    I’ll publish this anonymously because my favorite joke is not always everyone else’s favorite joke. But it shows, as my therapist says, my “dark humor.” Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because he was dead.

    Lynette July 31, 2008 at 6:47 pm

    Happy HBF!

    Here’s my joke:
    Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says,“’Honey, my hands are freezing!” She says, “Well put them between my thighs and that will warm them up.”

    After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, “Man! My hands are really freezing!” She says again, “Well. put them between my thighs and warm them up again.” He does, and again that warms him up.

    After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood to get them through the night. When he returns to the cabin, he states once again, “Honey, my hands are really, really freezing.” She looks at him and says, “For crying out loud, don’t your ears ever get cold?”

    Angella July 31, 2008 at 7:05 pm

    Happy Birthday!

    I’m sure this is old news to you, but my husband and I love Flight of the Conchords’ “Business Time”.


    Mantramine July 31, 2008 at 7:06 pm

    Well, I don’t know either of you, but I do write about my husband at great length.

    Just found your blog, thought I would say hi, and, well, I guess… Happy Brithday.

    Here’s a joke for you hubby that I’m sure (at least I hope) both of you can appreciate:

    Q:How do you get the Canadians out of the pool?

    A: Say, “Will the Canadians please get out of the pool…”


    Mom101 July 31, 2008 at 7:19 pm

    Aw happy birthday bad guy. I mean…big guy.

    Pbear July 31, 2008 at 7:37 pm

    Dirty Joke:

    What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?

    See you next month!!


    marymurtz July 31, 2008 at 7:42 pm

    Here’s a link to some manly candles, for those times when you want to enhance the ambience of the house without incurring the scorn of the guys:


    And now, a joke.
    A rancher goes into a tiny cafe, where there is nobody seated and nobody around. He sits at the counter waiting for someone to wait on him. Looking at the menu board, he sees only two items. “Cheese Sandwich: $5. Hand Job: $4.” While pondering this, he sees a sleazy waitress come out of the kitchen, hair piled on her head, an order pad in her hand.

    “You the ol’ gal that gives the handjobs?” he aska her.

    “Yep,” she says.

    “Alright then,” he replied. “Go wash yer hands and make me a cheese sandwich.”

    sweetney July 31, 2008 at 8:12 pm

    happy birthday, her bad father! (heh)

    i hope to meet you someday very very soon… your wife may have informed you of the nascent joint family vacation planning (or not) (don’t feel bad, my husband doesn’t know yet either).

    Immoral Matriarch July 31, 2008 at 8:51 pm

    Happy Birthday!

    I came unprepared. I apologize. I think your wife is hot. Does that count as a compliment to you too? I mean you great taste. And your kids are adorable – so you’ve got great genes too.

    Sufficient? No?


    Kate July 31, 2008 at 9:12 pm

    Tip: the best pizza in the whole world can be found in Leadville, CO at High Mountain Pies. http://www.highmountainpies.com

    If you ever get to Colorado, it’s worth the 2-2.5 hours to Leadville. I’m on vacation there now and don’t think I’ll ever be able to leave because there is no pizza this good anywhere else.

    Sorry, pizza advice wasn’t on the list, but that’s all I’m thinking about right now. Oh yeah, and they make a pizza with shrimp (similar to fish) and bacon and cream cheese chunks. You have to try it to believe it.

    mothergoosemouse July 31, 2008 at 9:34 pm

    Happy birthday, HBF!

    Why did the chicken cross the playground?

    To get to the other slide!

    katesaid July 31, 2008 at 9:35 pm
    Major Bedhead July 31, 2008 at 9:36 pm


    Open this one first:

    And then, this one:

    You said he liked puns….

    Karen (Miscellaneous Mum) July 31, 2008 at 9:42 pm

    Happy birthday, HBF.

    I wish you lots of unbroken sleep, much like the last fairy in Sleeping Beauty. Because, meerkat madness aside, with a new baby I’m sure that’s all you and HBM really want right now?

    Stacy July 31, 2008 at 10:05 pm

    Meercats? Seriously?
    I took this picture last month at the Pittsburgh Zoo.
    (Note: Not G-rated)


    Kimblahg July 31, 2008 at 10:10 pm

    Happy Birthday HBF. Best way to deal with a moody wife? Hand her the keys and tell her to go do whatever she wants for a few hours while you watch the kids. Oh, and chocolate.

    Her Bad Mother July 31, 2008 at 10:17 pm

    Everyone who is recommending birthday chocolate for wife: THANK YOU. You get extra cake.

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