Sunshine, On A Cloudy Day

August 28, 2008

Update on Zachary below.

This is going to sound trite, but I’m going to say it anyway: sometimes, on even the darkest day, a little bit of sunshine bursts through a gap in the clouds and that streak of light – even if it does not have the power to warm cold bones and frigid skin – reminds you that there’s blue sky up there somewhere, above and behind and beyond the dark. The smiles of my children – I warned you about the trite – are such bursts of light.

So is this:

Hi Catherine (& well wishers),

I kept up w/ your blog and every single one of your comments on my Beaner and I cannot thank you enough for posting my story and helping me out even though I know that you are going through a lot and I am so sorry if I put you in a position. I say this because I know the hurt you are going through now… but what you did is life changing for me and my kids and I will forever be grateful.

On Friday night I was able to get visitation w/ my two older kids for the weekend. It was the first time I’d been w/ them for more than 2 hours since Beaner was born. It was a great visit and they just adored her. I had originally told them when I was making the adoption plan that Beaner was going to live w/ a family that couldn’t have babies. I thought that was the only way for them to understand…I can honestly say it was a very hard weekend w/ all 3 of them, but I wouldn’t have had any different. We were all finally together, our family…My Family. How could I give her up and take her away from her big brother and sister who were lying nuzzled right next to her giving her so many kisses? Would they ever forgive me for taking her away from them, would she for giving her up? Believe me, there was a moment where all 4 of us were crying at the same time… I know its going to be hard, but you know I want to do it, I have to do it for them…

Everyone one that left a comment, sent prayers and thoughts my way will always be in my thoughts and prayers, as I will be forever grateful.. They gave me A LOT of advice and I read and processed every single one of them over and over…Thank you for sharing personal stories, I know how hard that is and was for some.. I wasn’t strong enough on my own to not get help and opinions from others. Right now I’m taking the adoptive parents backing out, your blog entry about your brother and I’m taking them as a sign…a sign that things are right now because they are supposed to be, that I will learn and grow and put this behind me as a very hard and confusing part of my life…

I can honestly say that this time last week it was at any moment that I was going to sign the adoption papers. I drove by the agency 8 times and visited my caseworker once, but there was not one moment that I could actually make the pen move on the paper…I couldn’t sign…So I’ll take that as another sign…

So, it’s final, a decision is made….I’m keeping my Beaner, she will grow up w/ her big sister (2yrs) Itty Bitty who will lovingly teach her everything she knows…and her big brother (4yrs) Lil Man who will always be there for her and protect her as much as he can… He was such a good big brother this weekend making sure Itty Bitty was gentle w/ Beaner… I am glad to know that adoption as an option was there for me, because I do know that there would have been parents out there willing to love her and take care of her. And it would have been my decision had this mess w/ my parents not happened…but I now believe things happened for a reason… this all happened for a reason…

Things are going to be different…I know they are, its not going to happen overnight…but I will keep believing because I will have my kids…all 3 of my kids. I love them more so much. And I will never give up, I promise them that…I will do everything in my power to make sure they are provided for…I won’t be ashamed to go the welfare office and get the help that I need now to get back up on my feet…I will do this because its too late to do an adoption plan…I love her too much to let her go now…

Thank you HBM, I don’t know if you realize it… but because of you and your help, my family will be forever grateful indebted to you… My prayers and my thoughts are with you finding your brother and that your Nephew Zach will get better…he’s young, and I’m sure a fighter…

Always here,
Marie

PS Attached is a picture of Beaner, so you can meet the little one who this was all about… OH, and, well she needs a name now… I don’t know about you but Beaner C, Attorney at Law doesn’t sound right for her future… So if you wanna ask your readers for any suggestions, I would welcome it… My other kids are names begin w/ M’s, so I would like to find an M name…


I want you all to know this: the greater share of Marie’s thanks is due to you, dear internets, dear friends. I corresponded with her, shared my meager thoughts, and posted her story, but you all did so much more: you shared your own stories, you shared your wisdom, you filled this virtual page with warmth and hope and love and realism and friendship and support. As you have done so often for me. As you continue to do now. For that, all the gratitude in the world is barely enough.

Now, you heard her. She needs a name for a baby girl – her baby girl – a name that begins with M…

********

(Zachary has not improved. The doctors still don’t know why the strain of meningitis that is attacking him is attacking so aggressively and unreservedly. They think that there is probably something more than meningitis that is waging war on him, but they don’t know what. Zachary continues to fight. I leave for Vancouver tomorrow, to sit with my sister at his bedside and offer all the love that I can.

If you have more prayers and good wishes to spare, I will accept them gratefully.)

********

Update on Beaner:
Hi Catherine,

I wanted to let you know that Little Mia Catherine is doing great! She is 8 weeks old and a great baby, ya I’m a little biased!! :) I just want to say thank you again, what you did for me was life changing… It opened new doors for me, and I am so happy w/ ALL my kids and her with me! Good news, I found a job…a bigger place to live w/ my friend that will accomodate all of us!! My brother moved down and is babysitting while I work (11pm-7am)…so everything is falling into place!! So anytime you are in NM please hit me up, I owe you a few drinks!! :) Much love Friend!!
Always,
Marie

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    { 146 comments }

    Manic Mommy August 28, 2008 at 3:25 pm

    So glad you will be with your sister. I pray it will lighten her load and that Zach will feel your presence.

    Marie: Meredith is a strong, beautiful name. It was on my ‘girl’ list.

    Erin August 28, 2008 at 3:38 pm

    I will keep ALL of you, Zachary, your sister, you, your children, Marie, and her children in my thoughts and prayers. Oh, how I wish life was easier for you all.

    wyliekat August 28, 2008 at 3:41 pm

    Oh, my hopes go out to everyone. Pain is just such a crappy part of life, especially when it happens to young people.

    To Marie,
    I’m glad you are feeling good about your decision. You sound strong. You sound like your focus is on getting your family to a good place. That is, to my mind, the essence of Motherhood. You are now Mother as Warrior, and I can think of no more empowering place to be.

    What about Mercy?

    egm August 28, 2008 at 3:50 pm

    Marie–I’m so happy for you and your family. Good luck and Godspeed to you and that beautiful child.

    My daughter’s name is Meredith, and she is every bit the strong, independent child we hoped she would be when we picked the name for her.

    If we were ever to have another girl, we would name her Mira, for what that’s worth.

    HBM–still praying for you, Zachary, your sister, and the rest of your family.

    Forever In School August 28, 2008 at 4:03 pm

    I pray for your nephew.
    It’s raining here in Vancouver and it’s cold. You might want to bring your umbrella.

    Brandy August 28, 2008 at 4:05 pm

    My prayers will continue to be with your nephew.

    much more than a mom August 28, 2008 at 4:11 pm

    She is gorgeous! You just made my day. How about Mia or Maya?

    HBM -totally praying for you, Zachary and the whole family. Blessings to you all and safe travels.

    Janet August 28, 2008 at 4:11 pm

    I have been thinking about your nephew and hoping, wishing for the very best outcome.

    Marie: thanks for sharing your story. I wish you and your beautiful family the best. As for M. names, I always liked Maya.

    karrie August 28, 2008 at 4:16 pm

    Marie:When my son Max was in utero, several ultrasounds indicated that he was a girl. HA! He had other plans. If he had been born a girl, his name would have been Maren, which is Danish and means “of the sea.” (Pronounced like Karen.)

    HBM: Sorry to read that your nephew has not improved.

    T with Honey August 28, 2008 at 4:18 pm

    She is a beautiful baby girl and I love the suggestion to name her Mia because it mean “Mine”. I also think she looks like a Monica which means adviser or counselor.

    I’ll be keeping Zachary in my prayers.

    Amelia August 28, 2008 at 4:25 pm

    I have a couple of suggestions. Monroe is a great name, it’s timeless. I also think Mia is beautiful, and appropriate. Mirabelle is pretty as well. Go with something classic.

    HBM – Miracles happen. Zachary is continually in our thoughts.

    Michele August 28, 2008 at 4:28 pm

    my thoughts and prayers are with you and Zachery. I feel so much for your sister and all she has been through. Its not right but I believe that miracles happen every day and why not to your family? =)

    as for Beaner’s name, Maya =)

    Best wishes all around!

    FishyGirl August 28, 2008 at 4:47 pm

    Marie – I like Mary, Meredith, and Mia. Best wishes to your little family.

    Catherine – I continue to pray for your family. I hope you have a safe trip and that some good news awaits you when you arrive. Godspeed.

    Marie August 28, 2008 at 4:55 pm

    You guys are great, thank you, thank you…

    Well I have Beaner here and I’ve looked at her and called her every one of the suggested names… She is soooo a Mia! She’s mine!!

    So now either Mia Catherine or Mia Montserrat? Its up to you HBM…you pick…

    I really can’t thank you all enough…especially HBM.

    Marie

    Immoral Matriarch August 28, 2008 at 4:57 pm

    Marie – I love Madeline, Maleah [means unique little girl, beautiful young woman], and especially Maribel.

    Catherine – you have all the positive vibes I can muster up coming towards your family.

    samantha August 28, 2008 at 5:38 pm

    I’ve been checking in regularly and sending you good wishes and as much hope and love as I can muster for your sweet nephew. Please, please, please let him be okay.
    Safe journey,
    Sam

    Katrina August 28, 2008 at 6:08 pm

    I like Maisey. It’s as sweet as she is. :o )

    flutter August 28, 2008 at 6:25 pm

    Mercy.

    because by the mercy of your grace, she will grow with a mother that adores her.

    marymurtz August 28, 2008 at 6:31 pm

    I love the idea of her middle name being Catherine. I think it is entirely appropriate. Mia is a wonderful name, and if it can’t be Mary…well, you know…

    Catherine, we are still praying for your nephew.

    Omaha Mama August 28, 2008 at 6:38 pm

    Such a happy-sad post. Thanks for the update on Beaner, I’m glad that she’ll soon have a name. I vote for Melanie (totally selfish, being my name and all). But also love the name Muriel.

    About your nephew. I am so, so, so very sad for you and your family.

    Nina August 28, 2008 at 6:40 pm

    Oh Catherine, I’m so sorry that Zachary is not getting better. I’m praying. Thinking good, fighting thoughts for him.

    Marie, your daughter is BEAUTIFUL. Madeleine? Maisie (cuter, I think than the -ey ending? Matilda? Matilda always brings me back to the Roald Dahl books – lovely, smart, spunky, strong.

    Wishing you all the best. For you and your 3 children.

    daysgoby August 28, 2008 at 7:03 pm

    What a beautiful girl!

    Catherine, Wishing you hope, and best wishes for Z and family. I hope you walk into that hospital and find Zack sitting up, rubbing his eyes and chirping ‘Auntie C!’

    Godspeed…

    Vanessa August 28, 2008 at 7:07 pm

    Praying for Zachary, and strength for you and your sister.

    Suggestions for M names: Madison, Madeline, Maddie, and MiaBella (means “my beautiful one” in Italian). Good luck!

    Rebecca August 28, 2008 at 7:19 pm

    I like Mercy and Mia…the meaning behind them. Best of luck to you Marie!

    Still praying for Zachary!

    Her Bad Mother August 28, 2008 at 8:07 pm

    Marie, friend, I will be honored with whatever you choose. xo

    Alli {Mrs. Fussypants} August 28, 2008 at 8:17 pm

    Praying for Zachary. Safe travels.

    Tears for sweet Marie & baby.

    Maybe, um, Catherine?

    Hey, it's a great name.

    Just sayin…

    Julianna August 28, 2008 at 8:18 pm

    Marielle, Madeleine or Mira

    Kate August 28, 2008 at 8:24 pm

    Marie-
    Mia is such a beautiful and fitting name. I’m glad you were able to come to a decision that gives you peace.

    HBM-
    My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

    Hugs-
    K

    Mom101 August 28, 2008 at 8:25 pm

    Stick with something classic and strong and beautiful – she’s going to be a fighter.

    Mara
    Mia
    Maya
    Miriam (how cute is Mimi?)

    mamachiro August 28, 2008 at 8:37 pm

    I was especially touched by your story, as I have a son and daughter, and a very full life, and was shocked and saddened and terrified when I learned I was pregnant with my third. How on earth would we bring another PERSON into our lives??? Now he is here, and he is perfect– our “unexpected blessing” turned out to be such an amazing gift.

    as for girl names, I’m partial to Mariah. :)

    wishing you all the best!

    Major Bedhead August 28, 2008 at 8:37 pm

    Mia Catherine is a lovely name. She is a gorgeous baby and I’m so glad that you’ve reached a decision!

    Catherine – my thoughts are with you and your family. Healthy, healing vibes to Zachary.

    christine August 28, 2008 at 8:43 pm

    *tears streaming down face* I am so happy for Marie…

    I vote for Maddie, Madeline, Maya or Myrabella.

    HBM — Your nephew and family are in my thoughts… So glad you’re able to be by your sisters side.

    Mindy August 28, 2008 at 8:46 pm

    Madeleine is my all time favorite M name. Melody is also very pretty.

    Praying for you Zachary.. praying as hard as I can.

    Luann August 28, 2008 at 9:03 pm

    Megan or Mia get my vote.

    I’m so thrilled for you Marie that you came to a decision.

    God bless you and all your children.

    Mommato2 August 28, 2008 at 9:10 pm

    Marie….your baby M is a darling girl.

    HBM…sending so may prayers and so much love to your family and your dear nephew. Your sister will be glad to have you there to support her. Please keep us updated when you can.

    xoxox

    Anonymous August 28, 2008 at 9:11 pm

    Margot, Maeve or Marisol.

    Luann August 28, 2008 at 9:12 pm

    and HBM I JUST read about Zachary and my heart aches. I am sending up all kinds of prayers and good thoughts for you all.

    HeatherY August 28, 2008 at 9:15 pm

    What an amazing story. The outpouring of support from the internet community is inspiring to help this woman with such a difficult choice to make. She’s a beautiful baby. I love the name Madelyn.

    I will keep Zachary and your family in my prayers. I know your sister will be comforted by your presence.

    Mandy August 28, 2008 at 9:15 pm

    Marie, best wishes to you and your family. I’m glad you’ve found the answer to your dilemma.

    Catherine, I’ve sent you my phone numbers while you’re here in VAncouver. Don’t hesitate to call, for whatever you might need.

    Jezer August 28, 2008 at 9:46 pm

    Praying for a swift and full healing of Zachary.

    Marie, while Montserrat is perhaps my most favorite name EVER, Catherine is a beautiful and fitting choice.

    Kate August 28, 2008 at 9:49 pm

    Prayers, thoughts, good wishes.. whatever will help is coming your way.

    Anissa Mayhew August 28, 2008 at 9:59 pm

    Praying faithfully for your whole family.

    Maranda means “she who must be loved” and I think that would fit perfectly for her. Because who couldn’t love that little one.

    Karen MEG August 28, 2008 at 10:11 pm

    That’s a wonderful update; I came so close to calling my daughter Morgan, I still really love that name.

    Praying for Zachary, and so glad that you can get there soon and be with your sister through this.

    lavandula August 28, 2008 at 10:19 pm

    catherine i’m so glad that you are able to go to van to be with your sis….i will continue to pray for zachary…..maria beaner is a precious little girl and i would name her MIRACLE if i was in your shoes. God bless you and i’m glad that you have been able to make your decision and our willing to get the help you’ll need.

    EarthyMother August 28, 2008 at 10:22 pm

    Marie, you’re a strong woman and a loving mother. You – and your children – will do well. I truly believe you will.

    I also have baby girl clothes, formula, breastfeeding items, and other lovely unused newborn things that my little guy has outgrown. I’d be more than happy to send anything you could use. In fact, you’d be doing me a favor by helping clean out my closets. ;-) My e-mail is earthymotherr@yahoo.com (don’t forget the extra r!). I hope I’ll hear from you.

    – E

    Stimey August 28, 2008 at 10:56 pm

    I mostly lurk here, but I think you need some delurked good wishes. I am sending all my love and good vibes to you and Zachary. I hope with all of my heart that he recovers soon. Hugs.

    Anonymous August 28, 2008 at 11:02 pm

    C. Prayers for Zachary. And carrots left out for the carrot-god, just in case.

    Marie, So proud of you. Prayers for you and yours. Maddox Bean. I work at a daycare and one of the MOST adorable children there is a curly haired girl named Maddox. We call her “Maddie Bear”. Blessings for you…

    Martie of

    http://uncontainedchaos.blogspot.com

    PS: Martie is shortened version of Martice. Thanks, Mom and Dad.

    kittenpie August 28, 2008 at 11:16 pm

    I like Margot (also spelled Margaux) or Mariel.

    And HBM, good luck on your trip and I hope beyond hoping that everything turns out sunnier than even the most optimistic doctor can envision.

    tallulah August 28, 2008 at 11:22 pm

    ALL of you are in my thoughts. So much pain and beauty to process.

    My all time favorite name starts with an M……..Mazzy.

    Someone Being Me August 29, 2008 at 12:03 am

    I am so glad you were able to make the right decision for your family. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. I guarantee there are a dozen organizations in your area that can help you stay on your feet.

    As for name I love Mia which means My. Or Michelle which means gift from God. Maya means princess.

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