Milk, It Does A Body Good

September 25, 2008

Dear PETA,

We here at the Society for the Control, Containment and Commodification of Women (CCCOW) were delighted to see your most recent press release proposing the replacement of cow’s milk with human breast milk in commercial dairy products such as ice cream. We have long argued that women best serve society in their natural capacity as nurturers, and what better way to nurture America than as providers of dairy and other commercially viable foodstuffs?

You state in your press release that human breast milk is nutritionally superior to cow’s milk for humans, and we suspect that this may be true. This corresponds to the scientific findings of our Research Team, which has also found that human babies prefer human mothers, and also that human women are sexually attractive to many human males. This has led us to support the idea that human beings organize themselves into Family Units, wherein the woman remains within the home, caring for babies and servicing the males. Your proposal, however, that women provide breastmilk for use in commercial dairy products leads us to consider the possibility that the “family” might be reconfigured to better reflect the needs of a changing market society, and women put to better use. Specifically, why not establish Woman Farms, wherein women are kept and used for breeding purposes and for the purposes of supplying dairy for America’s food supply?

We have not yet worked out the logistics of such a program, but we imagine that it would be possible to remove human babies from their herded mothers and feed the babies with formula (which Science has proven to be comparable in nutritional value to breastmilk, and far more economically viable as a foodstuff for babies, if breastmilk is to be diverted into the marketplace), so that lactating mothers can be milked for the greater good of the American Economy, and cows released back into the wild (we propose that they be released in Alaska, where they will no doubt restore themselves to the ecosystem by becoming foodstuffs for polar bears and additional hunting quarry for Alaska’s political elite, which will itself be a more balanced system once voided of women.) Dairy farmers of America need not suffer – a simple transfer program of cows for women (exact ratio to be determined, based upon productivity of lactating women as compared to cows and potential market value of human breastmilk over cows milk) and a government-funded transition program to educate farmers on the care and feeding of women, as well as some funding for equipment adaptation (we understand that breast pumps are less technically sophisticated than milking equipment, but very probably less durable), and so we believe that farmers will weather the transition easily.

We believe that our proposal is more ethical and better suited to the wellbeing of both human and cowkind than the current, inefficient and immoral system of using cows as sources of dairy for human consumption: women are natural producers of milk for human consumption, and – if contemporary popular culture is to be believed, as we think it is – are happy in the state of pregnancy and lactation so long as they are kept supplied with Frappuccinos (blended with soy or formula, of course, the better to avoid Maternal Spongiform Encephalopathy, or Mad Mom Disease) and given regular pedicures and steady exposure to Entertainment Tonight and People Magazine. They will be happy to be contribute to the economy in this way, and will no doubt be glad to have played some small part in liberation of cowkind.

We hope that you will support CCCOW in this endeavor, as we believe that the CCCOW vision for a prosperous and ethical America corresponds with your own.*

We expect to hear from you soon!

Yours Sincerely,

William “Bull” Crapperton, Jr.
Media Relations, CCCOW

*Ben & Jerry’s is refusing to support our initiative, but we do currently enjoy the support of the Bovine Liberation Front and the NRA. Please consider lending your support!


Where we stand on sleep chez HBM: there is none. The problem, at the moment, is this – I am single-parenting at the moment. The husband is working very long hours, such that he is only home for a few hours at night and can’t spell me off. I gave Behemoth Baby some rice cereal last night, which seemed to help – he slept for about five hours, from 8pm to 1am, but I was so buzzed from lack of sleep and a day spent knocking back espressos that I couldn’t settle during those hours. I fell asleep close to midnight, only to be awoken an hour later, and then every hour on the hour thereafter.


I need to survive until end of day tomorrow, when the husband is back. How do I make it until then?


Also, Gwyneth Paltrow can just zip it, please and thank you.


Westjet has finally responded – in a comment to my original post (scroll waaaay down to here). Note that they get the incident wrong – they think that I’ve written about something that happened to another woman back in July. They assert that they’ve ‘already apologized’ for the incident. Which, no you did not, twits. I had no response to my original e-mail to them, and they clearly didn’t read any of your letters, nor did they read either of the posts, because THEY THINK WE’RE WRITING ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE THAT HAPPENED TO SOMEONE ELSE. It actually made me freaking cry because, are you serious? Am too tired to shout at them to pay (expletive) attention.

I just want an apology, even just some evidence that they pay a little (expletive) attention when a customer gets (expletive) upset. But am too (expletive) tired to deal with this right now. I hate everything right now. BAH.

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    the new girl September 25, 2008 at 9:21 pm


    They have such a thing as a NIGHT NURSE? Whoot?

    If I’d only known. I almost went nuts from seeing every. hour. on. the. clock. all night long. We finally did CIO at around 4mos, because I couldn’t take it anymore. It was painfully awful.

    Looking back, I believe that my girl had reflux, which was responsible for her wanting to suck all the time and then for her waking every hour, wanting to suck more (for comfort) but having increased distress.

    I don’t know if you’re son is crying or not. If not, he’d be fine in another room. You NEED to get some sleep.

    Her Bad Mother September 25, 2008 at 10:03 pm

    bella – i’d love that info – email me?

    Ernesta September 25, 2008 at 11:01 pm

    Just came across your blog – love it! Re: sleep issues. I am still recovering from lack of sleep when my son was 0-1 yr old — I swear I only slept 2-3 hours a night! How to cope? Put baby in crib for 1/2 hour while you doze on couch or mattress in the room. Hope that helps!

    Mind of MadMan September 26, 2008 at 2:35 am

    Pamela Anderson is just looking to get fondled.

    Irene September 26, 2008 at 4:59 am

    I don’t know if you accept award, but I have one waiting for you over at my place. Yes, I do read you, I’m a lurker, mostly, coming out of the closet now.

    Magpie September 26, 2008 at 11:22 am

    You rock, even in your sleep deprived state. This is divine.

    Brandi September 26, 2008 at 11:58 am

    Brilliant and oh so funny! I too read a sci-fi short story along these lines when I was younger. I believe it was Larry Niven and he was exploring the idea of parallel universes, in this one all other species had died out so humans had to produce for humans. Shudder. Not near as much humor as yours, much creepier. I hope you actually did send this to PETA? Hopehopehope.

    As far as the insomnia insanity. I gots nuthin. I’m on year 4 of little to no sleep most nights (5 hrs if I’m lucky, 3 average), which adds to why I see my psychiatrist on a monthly basis. Probably financing his Christmas this year.

    All I can suggest by way of help is nap when the baby naps and hope you can override the caffeine when necessary. You might want to try a different energizer like B vitamins, lower possibility of jitter crazies. I will not suggest exercise like others might, who has the energy for that?! (was the help question rhetorical? Oops if it was)

    Sorry for the babble, it was a sub-3 night for me last night, I’m kinda loopy. Damn kids. (jk, kinda)

    Booba Juice September 26, 2008 at 12:01 pm

    Awesome!!! You write like I wish I could!!!

    As far as sleep goes, don’t everyone go and hate me but here is what I did with my first. We where in the military at the time, had recently moved to a new duty station, far, far away from family. DH was gone on deployent, leaving me with a four week old. Talk about bad situation. Finally I was to my wits end. (this is the child that still to this day doesn’t like to sleep. Unlike my youngest daughter who started sleeping through the night a three weeks old.) So I talked not only to my midwife, but to her ped doctor. We gave the child benadryl. You would have to find out for the weight of the child how much. But you can look that info up online. I have her only a hafe dose of what they recommended for her age…she sleep for about five ours stright….it was a wonderful!!! I only did this mind you when I absolutly had to, but it helped me keep my sanity. (IE. most doctors and midwives say that benadryl is safe even to take while pregnant.)


    Schmutzie September 26, 2008 at 12:17 pm
    lavandula September 26, 2008 at 12:21 pm

    hi catherine sorry about the no sleep thing….i got an e-mail response from westjet this a.m. and link back to you but yeah it wasn;t your story…. and i checked or rather tried checking out that GOOP thingy and each little clicky took me to same page which told me what to do WTH? how unoriginal and uninspiring is that?

    lavandula September 26, 2008 at 12:23 pm

    oh was that PETA crap for reals?!!! WTF? they are crazy…..

    becky w. September 26, 2008 at 12:35 pm

    Hi, HBM

    I have been reading your blog for a while, but this is my first time commenting. I think you are amazing, and I am really feeling for your sleep issues right now. This probably won’t help you between now and when your husband gets home, but I have to recommend a book to you that will help long term with sleep issues. It saved me when I was a new mom and couldn’t get my baby to sleep. It is Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child. The author is Wiessbluth. You are likely to get some negative comments about this recommendation because his strategies can be polarizing, depending on what parenting style philosophy you subscribe to. So let me tell you what I like about it. Ultimately the goal is for the entire family to be well rested and to establish good sleep habits for your child. He teaches you how to use the baby’s naturally developing sleeping rythms and biology to get him to sleep when they need it. If you can get past his lectury writing style and the tangents he goes off on, the main points and strategies are gold. Both my breastfed babies began sleeping all the way through the night, 12-13 hours at about 12 to 14 weeks using the sleep strategies in this book.

    I hope you get some rest soon, and I LOVE reading your blog!


    Trisha September 26, 2008 at 12:49 pm

    I instantly laughed hysterically having read the original article and your post. My 3 year old asked what was so funny. She gave me a look of disgust and confusion when I explained to her people want to use mommy’s booby milk to make ice cream. Even the kiddos right off the breast have an opinion. “Don’t mess with ice cream and don’t take our baby’s milk!”

    fruitlady September 26, 2008 at 1:08 pm

    I only ever made 2 oz per boob at any one time, so I wonder if I would be weeded out and pastured or taken out behind the barn and shot? Also, I wonder if my productivity would increase if I were allowed to watch Jon Stewart in addition to reading EW and People. Jon Stewart does make me want to breed every time I watch.

    Connie September 26, 2008 at 1:35 pm

    What a great post! I just read about this today and posted about it….your’s is way better! LOL!

    Haley September 26, 2008 at 1:45 pm

    I don’t understand what the big deal is–a mother’s milk meant for babies is a mother’s milk meant for babies no matter the species. If anything, human milk would be far healthier because there’s no way anyone’s going to hook humans up to a vaccuum 24/7 until they’re sucked dry, meaning it wouldn’t have the blood and puss in it that’s currently found in milk sucked from sickened/weak dairy cows.

    I know this was just another cute/quirky PETA ploy to bring attention to the plight of these abused animals, but really it’s not that crazy of a suggestion. Why is drinking processed human breast milk gross when drinking milk from an abused cow’s breast with a bunch of steroids added to it and milk and puss isn’t? No wonder so many people are lactose intolerant these days…

    Baby in the City September 26, 2008 at 4:17 pm

    GOOP? why didn’t she call it SLUDGE or POOP? Who are the branding geniuses behind her?

    LD September 26, 2008 at 4:32 pm

    That was funny.
    have you been to Ben & Jerry's? Their cows are well taken care of.
    As a breastfeeding woman I'd be happy to move to Vermont and live that life :)
    But, the weird thing about the Peta letter is that they wrote to the wrong people. Ben & Jerry don't even own the place anymore and aren't really involved.
    I know this – I took the factory tour 3 times last year!!!

    Anyway, about the sleep thing. We're going through it too. My husband has taken to sleeping on the couch while I get up a million times a night with the baby. And she refuses formula.
    I have no advice. Benadryl does nothing (I take it for allergies) and coffee is necessary and I don't think it really keeps babies awake.

    But, I'm with you. It sucks.

    whensheworeponytails September 27, 2008 at 10:40 am

    I got the “we responded” email, C. Wanted to let you know. I responded to them “I’m glad you took the time to respond but you’re responding to the WRONG incident. Which says to me you’ve had the same problem for quite some time and haven’t done anything about it. Please recheck the dates and see that this is a different incident.” Haven’t heard back so far but I’ll let you know if I do.

    Gwyneth? Can suck it. I’ll just be happy if I could get a damned haircut and manage to not wash my dishes in loads as if they were laundry. But maybe Gwynnie pooh would like to lend me Apple’s Nanny so I can implement all her excellent ideas a little easier. And I’ll get right on them as soon as I implement my idea of a margarita bar in the corner of my living room. I’ll put my fresh flowers on it. Oh, and I’m not totally irresponsible. I’ll be sure it’s all child proofed or whatever. *wink*

    whensheworeponytails September 27, 2008 at 10:47 am

    Oh,and PETA better back the heck up about ice cream. My husband is all about the boobies and such and will support PETA’s rights to not want to eat KFC and hang out with Pambo but you fark with his ice cream’s recipe and he’ll use his power of pissy for bad. Which would amuse me and all but since I have kids I’d rather he not be in the news picketing while shouting “No boobies in my ice cream unless I’m drunk” while wearing a fur coat and walking around with a KFC bucket on his head.

    Ursula September 28, 2008 at 9:36 am

    Dairy cows are kept nearly perpetually pregnant to keep them in milk, and their offspring are taken away at birth, either to become more dairy cows (the females) or food (the males). Because of the strain on their bodies, their lifespans are reduced by more than half. This is abuse for any mother, bovine or human, and I think PETA may have intended for people to take an extra moment to think about the inevitable cruelty involved in diverting any creature’s milk from her own young.

    For more info, google up the site Not Milk and have a read. Cow’s milk is cruel, and nutritionally bad for humans, to boot.

    Mama Smurf September 28, 2008 at 2:44 pm

    “why not establish Woman Farms”

    LMAO! Classic!

    I’ll bet this is where they’re going with this whole cloning business!

    ms. changes pants while driving September 28, 2008 at 10:25 pm

    you’re funny with little to no sleep.

    i’m sorry you’re going through this. but seriously, you’re funny shit when you haven’t slept.

    hey, why don’t they clone gwyneth? they can nurture the whole of the united states while living in london using fake, judgemental accents.

    body care lotion November 23, 2008 at 5:53 am

    Well I like how you worded the title firsssst of all. your posting was quite interesting, but is that really how it is??
    I was told that a body after 12 years old begins to act to milk in a negative way. You ask how I have no idea, its just what I heard from a doctor but I’ve been having my wheaties every day now and nothing wrong with me :)
    Well Im sure that its really good so I hope nothing changes its really kool :)

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