Hold The Mustard

October 20, 2008

I don’t know at what point I realized that I was doomed to one of the worst public humiliations of my parenting experience, but it might have been when the elderly lady walked in on Jasper and I in the ladies’ restroom at our local Kelsey’s restaurant and noticed a) his nakedness, b) the slick of mustard poo coating that nakedness, c) the slick of mustard poo coating me, and d) the slick of mustard poo coating every visible surface in the room, and then, without a word, turned on her heel and walked back out again.

We hadn’t planned to go out to dinner Saturday night. But we’d ended up driving out to the countryside to visit friends and hadn’t planned for dinner and so had hatched the ill-conceived plan to just stop on the way home so that Emilia might fall asleep in the car afterwards. It occurred to me at some point that our car-stash of diapers and pull-up pants and wipes was low, but I reasoned that Emilia would use the toilet at the restaurant – she’s been using the toilet fairly reliably – and that we could make it through the evening with just a spare pull-up and no wipes. I forgot that we also had a baby, and that at five months old, he’s unable to use the toilet and, you know, control his bowel movements.

We’d been at the restaurant for about twenty minutes when Jasper started to fuss.

“He probably needs a change,” I said. I did a mental calculation of baby supplies on hand. Zero. “You’re going to have to go out to the car,” I told my husband. “There should be a diaper in the backseat.” I figured that I might have a wipe or two in a crumpled-up travel pack of no-name wipes in my bag. I didn’t bother to check.

So it was that five minutes later I was in the ladies’ restroom with a baby in need of a change and only one diaper, no change of clothes, and one or two dessicated wipes. Which wouldn’t have been a problem, necessarily, if said baby wasn’t loaded from stem to stern with – how to put this? – a shitload of effluent that had just begun leaking through his clothes.

Leaking through his clothes and onto mine.

Leaking through his clothes and onto my clothes and onto the floor.

Leaking through his clothes and onto my clothes and onto the floor and onto my feet.

Mustard poo, as any new parent knows, does not, strictly speaking, smell like poo. It has a sort of cloying, sweet organic smell, like the smell of dead roses, or of rotting fruit, or wet hay, with a bit of a sharp, mustardy edge to it. I had a lot of time to think about this as I wrestled my fat, naked, poo-slicked baby in the ladies’ restroom of the Bowmanville Kelsey’s. I had a lot of time to think about this, because it is very, very difficult to clean a poo-slicked baby in a public restroom with only one wipe. Actually, it is very nearly impossible to clean a poo-slicked baby in a public restroom with only one wipe. Which is why I spent close to half an hour just standing around in my poo-stained shirt, holding the naked poo-slicked baby and a clutch of paper towels and wondering what the f*** I was supposed to do, during which time the elderly woman wandered into the restroom, correctly assessed the situation as off-putting to one’s dinner, and exited immediately.

I needed to act. I knew that if I took much longer, one of a number of things was going to happen: 1) someone else would come in wanting to use the restroom, which by this point looked like the set of one of those alien movies where aliens get slaughtered and splatter gummy yellow effluent over every surface, 2) my husband would send the server – who was maybe twenty-years old and prone to responding to every request with a giggle and ‘okay, awesome!’ – in to find me, which would contribute nothing but nervous tittering and an added element of spectacle to the scene, 3) Jasper would release another blast of poo and I would burst into tears, or 4) all of the above.

So, gripping Jasper under one arm, I filled the sink with soap and water, dipped him butt-first into the bubbles and scrubbed at him with paper towels. Then I threw paper towels over the change table, three or four layers thick, for later wiping, and shoved some more paper towels against my poo-smeared chest so that Jasper wouldn’t get re-smeared when I held him against me. Then – still one-arming it – I pulled the clean diaper onto him, and his wee cardigan, which had mercifully escaped being shat upon. I contemplated tossing his clothes into the wastebasket, but decided that that would just prolong the smell, and so I wrapped them in more paper towels and then – holding Jasper an inch from my damp, decoupaged chest and summoning every ounce of dignity I could muster – marched back through the restaurant to my husband.

“Take him,” I said, “and get the waitress to bring a plastic bag for this.” I dumped the paper-towel wrapped package of poo-soaked clothing on my chair, grabbed my own cardigan, and walked back the restroom, where I stripped off my reeking, soaking shirt and shoved in the wastebasket. Then, clad only in my bra, I scrubbed myself down – myself and all the other surfaces slicked with poo – before zipping my cardigan over my more-or-less naked but also more-or-less shit-free chest and heading back out into the restaurant and to my family: Jasper now clean and settled back in his carseat, my husband holding out a large glass of red wine for me, and my daughter grinning madly over a plate of mini-hamburgers.

And clutching a big squeeze-bottle of mustard.

If we never go out for dinner again it will be too soon.

If you have a worse poo story, I’d like to hear it. Also, I’d like to know if I’m the only parent who regularly finds herself short of supplies at critical moments, because a former grad-school colleague just messaged me saying ‘good story, but when I’m a parent I’m going to keep a package of diapers in the car’ and I was all, like, ‘ha ha good luck with that’ until I realized that maybe my particular form of slacker parenting is not the norm and that, perhaps, I should be deeply embarrassed about my general ineptitude. Yes/no?

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    Booba Juice October 20, 2008 at 5:41 pm

    LMAO—I hear you, and I understand! As a mother of two, I have been there. My favorite poop story, is from when my oldest was just a few days old. My husband is changing her on the couch, and I am sitting across the room with our neighbor who had come by to see the baby. All of the sudden, my husband, who is holding said little ones legs, as he cleans her bottom, points them off to the side as poop is arcing across the room. And she was always like that. It didn’t matter what you did, if you took her diaper off to clean her, she was going to poop some more.

    Same daughter, jump forward to potty training, (which we still have not mastered.) I notice that she has gotten very quite playing with her toys. I walk over, and she has poo all over every where. At first I thought that she had just taken off her diaper and was playing in it…but no, she was trying to change her own pull up.

    And to the wonderful friend who believes it will be diffrent for them, that they will always be prepared… well, paybacks a bitch!

    Jenera October 20, 2008 at 5:48 pm

    And I thought I HAD some bad poop stories. But nope, I bow down to you as the poop master.

    sam {temptingmama} October 20, 2008 at 5:58 pm

    We had an incident at Jack Astor’s with barf. Not that you can ever have supplies for that.

    I always am lacking in the supplies department. (which you know since you gave me diapers, LOL)

    I think I love HBF more now. My husband would never think to have wine ready. That, my friend, is TRUE LOVE!

    coopkeeper October 20, 2008 at 6:03 pm

    Always said the same thing as your grad student…when I have kids, blah, blah, blah.

    So, when God decided to get me back for that we were at the neighborhood Christmas party being held at a local supper club. Realized as we got there we had 1 wrinkly diaper…but we should be fine, right? No. Biggest. Nastiest. Stinkiest. Poop in the world. Fortunately for all around, she’s just old enough to announce to everyone around us that she has a ginormous poop in her pants. Sure that made for lovely dinner conversation! Had to take stinky child with me to the car, find the wadded up diaper (for emergencies of course). No wipes. Had to use wet paper towels. Lovely.

    Don’t worry about your student…karma has a way of catching up with us :) .

    carrie October 20, 2008 at 6:13 pm

    Some day, in the distant future, you WILL laugh at this incident.

    I promise.

    You don’t have any idea how many memories closely resembling this one you just brought back for me!

    - Kellie October 20, 2008 at 6:51 pm

    We’ve had a variety of gross times with no proper equipment available but the worst poop one was when DD2 was about 4 months old. We were out to dinner, sitting outside on the patio, when we started hearing “the noise”, along with her red, teary-eyed face. Turns out she’d pooped through the diaper, through her clothes, through the carseat pad, out of the carseat itself, into the patio chair and onto the floor. Thank goodness we were *outside*.

    The grossest poop stories though are how many times we’ve been eating a meal and had the people next to us change their children’s diapers On The Table. WTF?

    Designher Momma October 20, 2008 at 6:52 pm

    but did you ever think while you were knee deep in it that “this will make an execellent post”?…

    Lotta October 20, 2008 at 6:53 pm

    Oh I feel for you! Those are the worst.

    My husband and I had our child with us in Mexico. Husband decided to go hanggliding with the room key in his pocket. In the meantime, my son made a shit burrito out of his car seat carrier. Shit blew out of his ass and up around all sides of him in the carrier.

    I carried him into the pool’s teeny tiny bathroom with a teeny tiny pedestal sink and tried my best to wash him and his seat cover off. I got many dirty looks by the other hotel guests!

    Stimey October 20, 2008 at 6:57 pm

    Seriously, after reading this, it’s like I was there. I am so sorry about the Poopocalypse.

    I have also had many poop horrorshows, many with my third son who has been chronically constipated since he was a weeny baby.

    The most dramatic was when his doctors thought the “stool ball” in his intestines was a tumor and admitted him to the children’s hospital for ultrasounds and cat scans.

    Georgia October 20, 2008 at 7:09 pm

    That’s a hilarious story, but honestly?…I’m doubling up on my birth control pill this month!

    Kimberly C October 20, 2008 at 7:29 pm

    Returning from a weekend trip to my MIL’s house, I am sick. I stop at a walgreens to buy cold meds. I come out, my husband is kinda smirking in this horrified way- he says “we have a problem” I look in the car. 6 month old daughter in carseat, covered in green bean poo. COVERED, mind you, all the way to the hairline. SMILING. I grab the diaper bag, instruct husband to grab the seat, we all go inside. I stake out the bathroom (women’s) and lock the door, partially dismantle the carseat to clean, get hubby to rinse child off in bathroom sink and get the child bediapered again. Turns out? Probably wouldn’t have been so bad but my MIL? apparently thought it was mean to make those tabs tight on the child. I was damn near making them touch in the middle at the time, she had them stuck at the kid’s hips. I now check every diaper that I would POSSIBLY have to change after my MIL, and also make sure that she is wearing more than a diaper when we leave anywhere.(did I mention that this was the first and last time that I took the kid out in a car seat without even a t shirt on?)

    Veronica October 20, 2008 at 7:33 pm

    My first baby in a Baby Bjorn at the library. All over her, all over me, turn-of-the-century bathroom with no changing table. It was a nightmare.

    And the only way I have ever had an extra package of diapers in the car is if I forgot it was there.

    Domestic Extraordinaire October 20, 2008 at 7:38 pm

    Giggles was a master poo-er. that child would blow out every diaper she had on (or so it would seem) One such instance when she was about 5 months old we were on an airplane (a very crowded airplane) Where I had brought her carseat on board with me thinking that she would just snooze thru the whole flight. (ummm, wrong!) And it wasn’t one of those cute infant seats it was one of those huge, “oh why in the hell was I trying to save a couple of bucks” convertible car seat.

    Giggles was bawking and squirming and so i took her out of the seat. The back of her head felt a bit damp, I went to take off her sweater only to realize that wasn’t sweat on her head it was poo. A thick layer all the way up her back into her hair, down her left leg and into her shoes. All over the carseat, and now all over my lap.

    We were the closest to the window, so I had to wrangle the bag, the baby and myself to the row so I could get to the washroom. Which was less than pleasant because a rather large man enjoying several whoppers was rather upset that I was making him move with my poo covered baby.

    Getting to the washroom was not fun, and inside the washroom….GAH!! It is nearly impossible to change a very active baby in there. And those clothes that I put in my bag thinking I was prepared….didn’t fit, they probably didn’t even fit her when she was born.

    But the wonder of it all was when I got the diaper opened, only a tiny little spot, I have no idea why it was all blown out. And I was too upset to care!

    P.S. I remained stained until we reached our destination 2 hours later and this was the same trip in which I stuck her to the boob on the descend to help with her ears and when the popped she bit down with her bottom teeth that just came in. I still have 2 little half moon scars on the left breast 13.5 years later.

    Kimberly C October 20, 2008 at 7:39 pm

    BTW, my MIL is wonderful, really. The only problem that I could ever really have with her is that she doesn’t put diapers on the kid quite right- so minor, not worth complaining about, she IS getting better and all, blah blah blah :)

    doubleagentgirl October 20, 2008 at 7:39 pm

    Oh darling! I’d squeeze you, but I have that mental image of Smithers and Monty Burns bathtub scene… slippery business.

    Funny we should both write about poo, more or less…

    geeklady October 20, 2008 at 7:56 pm

    I read all of these comments, and I’m more and more thankful I picked the not-so-fashionable diaper bag with the big waterproof (and poop-proof) pocket.

    ewe are here October 20, 2008 at 8:05 pm

    I’m kind of the obnoxious ‘that mom’, who tends to keep the car and pushchair well stocked and lends out stuff to others in such emergencies.

    I even carry winnie the pooh bandaids. Sad, no?

    Jerri Ann October 20, 2008 at 8:21 pm

    No ma’am, there is no such story out there that can be worse than that, I’m sure of it.

    Susan Getgood October 20, 2008 at 8:23 pm

    My worst memory is of a flight back from Europe when Douglas was one. We had been in Europe for 2 weeks, and were flying back Paris to Zurich then Zurich to Boston. Our flight from Zurich ended up delayed 6 hours and we started to run out of supplies. To boot, Doug wasn’t feeling that well.

    They sell lots of things at airports. In May 2001 diapers were not among them. Luckily the people at the swissair club took pity on us and let us hang out even thought they really didn’t have reciprocity with the airline club I belonged to at the time. And we made it home with no diapers to spare.

    Heather October 20, 2008 at 8:49 pm

    I’m laughing because I’ve been there. And I’ll probably be there again. Blowouts are the best!

    I just leave the diaper bag in the car because if I don’t I forget it at home every time.

    Mrs. Chicken October 20, 2008 at 8:51 pm

    Oh yeah, baby. Do I have a poo story? Oh, do I ever: http://tinyurl.com/5hhu97

    Anonymous October 20, 2008 at 8:54 pm

    Yep, been there with my firstborn. Except my little darling was a girl and the baby changing “station” was in a stall. So when I finally stripped her naked, I had nothing to put under her (because the paper towels are by the sinks and I was in stall). So, when I laid her down, barebacked on the station, poo got everywhere. I had enough wipes to clean her, but not the station. Couldn’t put the clean diaper on her until the station was clean, so I’m carrying her naked around the ladies room, one-arming as you say, to gather up soapy paper towels, wet paper towels and dry paper towels. As soon as I cleaned the surface and laid her down to put on her diaper on her, she immediately peed and the pee ran all the way up her back and into her hair.

    The only thing I did right in the entire scenario was that I did not lock the stall door, so when the nice old ladies walked in to her eardrum puncturing shrieking, they could see that I wasn’t harming her, which is what it sounded like I was doing when I was actually just trying to clean her.

    Those sweet old ladies kept saying, “Poor thing.” I think they were talking about me.


    egm October 20, 2008 at 9:22 pm

    My husband and I were in New York with our children, then 5 and about 18 months old. My husband had just accepted a job in the city, and since I had never even been there before (I’m brave like that), I thought it might be time to check it out. It was freezing in the way that only big cities can be in February, with the wind whipping around the corners at every turn. We had dressed both children in many, many layers in an effort to keep them comfortable, but it made trips to the bathroom very difficult.

    We were fine until we stopped for lunch in a restaurant near Times Square. I took my son for a quick change, only to discover a situation similar to your (unfortunate, but incredibly funny) experience with Jasper. I had wipes, diapers, the whole bit, but we ended up going through everything I had along with almost every paper towel in the place. The only clothes I could salvage were the emergency set crammed into the furthest recesses of the diaper bag, which were woefully inadequate to the current weather conditions.

    The only thing I remember from the rest of the day is walking up and down the streets of New York looking for anything resembling a children’s clothing store where I could buy him something, anything to keep him warm. We ended up buying a souvenir blanket and heading back to Connecticut to our hotel as quickly as we could.

    April October 20, 2008 at 9:30 pm

    I am *loving* this comment thread, as it makes me feel SOOOO much better that I'm not alone in this big poopy world of babies and toddlers.

    Just last month while visiting my parents, Hubs and I went to the mall with my dad. We had in tow our two boys (Baby-6mo & Toddler-22mo). We decided to go to the Towne Center Mall in Boca Raton (read = super hoity toity) and I had the brilliant idea to take my parents car, so we wouldn't have to pay gas and tolls. I asked hubs to throw the car seats and strollers into the car. *brilliant*

    When we got to the mall I discovered Hubs brought two umbrella strollers from my parents garage, rather than our regular set of wheels. Eh, no biggy, we can work with that. Baby was sleeping, so we rigged the infant car seat onto an umbrella stroller and threw Toddler into the second stroller. Things were going smoooothly!

    We walked around for about half an hour and then decided to hit the food court. Baby slept through lunch and just as we were heading out he started to stir. He woke up abruptly and was clearly unhappy, so I reached over and pulled him out of the carrier. As I pulled him out, I expressed to Hubs that he must be fussing because he's so hot – I mean he's soaked in sweat! heh. Or, not. I looked down at my arm and it was schmeared from wrist to elbow in mustard poo. I looked down at the carrier and there was a POOL of mustard poo in the seat.


    I did not panic. I asked Hubs to hand me a diaper and some wipes from my purse. "What purse? I didn't grab your purse from the house. We're only window shopping, I didn't think you'd need it."


    I did not panic. I asked Hubs to hand me a diaper and wipes from one of the emergency bags I keep in each of our strollers. "What emergency bags? These aren't the strollers we usually use."


    I did not panic. I asked Hubs to run to the car and get diapers and wipes from the bag I keep under the seat. Diapers would be too small, but we could make do. "We didn't take our car, remember?"


    I totally panic.

    At this point I am frozen – completely and utterly at a loss for how to proceed. Dad begins mopping up poo from the baby seat with the baby's socks (?!). Hubs is pouring apple juice on a napkin and using it to wipe the exposed parts of my poo laden arm, while Toddler has discovered someone's (melted) unfinished vanilla ice cream and is (unsuccessfully) feeding himself (along with his shirt, pants, hair and ears). And I — I am panicking.

    Ignoring piercing stares of many a Mrs. Christian Dior, Mr. Izod and Baby Vitton, I take a deeptell my father to cease and desist with the sock agenda and instruct Hubs to deal with Toddler. I notice one of the umbrella strollers has a small mesh pocket on the back that is bulging (something's in there!!!!)

    I empty the contents of said bag onto the table and find the following: 1. baby wearing device, 2. really really really dirty cloth diaper (Baby has reflux) & 3. newborn diaper (SCORE!)

    Dad (my white knight) steps in and takes (SIX MONTH OLD) Baby and newborn diaper from me and says I can handle this, you deal with your arm and the baby seat. So, I did… I got a cup of water and a load of napkins and did my best to clean my arm and the seat (still in the middle of the food court!). I lined the car sear with the dirty cloth diaper (better than the alternative…), Hubs wiped up sticky Toddler and several minutes later Dad reappeared with Baby.

    I don't know how he managed to wash Baby so well in the food court men's bathroom, but Baby was like brand-spankin' new. I probably don't want to know how he did it, either, as I'm sure it required some maneuvering that I, as Baby's mother, would not want to see. Baby looked completely ridiculous in BULGING newborn diaper, but he was clean and happy and otherwise nekkid. Dad handed Hubs a wad of paper towels which contained the soiled clothing and I put nekkid baby into the baby wearing device. Thank goodness he was still ok with the Snugli, because that diaper would NOT have stayed on any other way.

    We then proceeded to walk the length of the mall (of course we parked nowhere near the food court) back to the car. Guess who pooed on the way back to the car? Ha. Poor Toddler had to sit in it the whole 45 minute car ride home. And, worse, we had to smell it.

    If you thought this novel was over, well, you're wrong. Mom was visiting last weekend and I pulled an umbrella stroller out of her car for Toddler while we were out. Guess what came tumbling from the stroller when I opened it? Yep. Month old paper towel wrapped poo soaked (and now mildewed) baby clothes. Mmmmmm.

    I don't think it topped your experience since I did not have to partake in the dreaded bathroom part of the story (although… I have been there, rest assured), but, it's my most recent poo horror and I hope it makes you feel a little better :-)

    Sorry for the Great American Novel.

    Mandy October 20, 2008 at 9:39 pm

    Absolutely laughing my a$$ off at these stories. Nothing so bad on our front, but definitely had our days of swimming in poo in the car seat.

    And I’m chronically short of supplies. Going on three and a half years, you’d think I’d have learned. Apparently not.

    Marianne October 20, 2008 at 9:41 pm

    I’m of the be-prepared school, so I keep plenty of supplies in the car, and an extra disposible in my purse.

    But then, I’ve only had one poopy blow-out in the entire first year of my daughter’s life. I attribute it to two things: cloth diapers and a daughter who rarely poos and in fact is usually on the constiapted side.

    Robbin October 20, 2008 at 9:45 pm

    Oh. Girl. I have SO been there.

    My son, while he was maybe not the most voluminous pooper, was DEFINITELY, HANDS-DOWN, the most creative. He could poop outside both sides of his diaper and leave the middle pristine.

    And I? I gave birth for the first time at 40. Alzheimers was already setting in at that point, and my child’s butt has seen many, many applications of brown kraft paper towel and sanitary hand soap.

    I never bring snacks or toys either. I could blame it on breastfeeding, since I WAS the snack for so long. Or I could just put it off to my “fend for yourself, kid” brand of motherhood. But honestly? I am just an airhead.

    April October 20, 2008 at 10:03 pm

    This post TOTALLY deserves an award. So I gave you one. Here: http://aprilslittlefamily.blogspot.com/2008/10/mommy-rant-award_20.html.

    It’s not some stupid meme (oops, did I say that?) and you don’t have to pass it along, or link me or any other garbage. Just revel in the fact that you made my night and I want other people to read you and enjoy you :-)

    MemeGRL October 20, 2008 at 10:16 pm

    Um…yah, NO, you are not the only one.
    In fact, after five years of needing diapers for my kids, you’d think that before I chuck the diaper bag in the car, I would see if it held–yup–diapers.
    That’s a negative, ghostrider. Never thought to look.
    On an overnight trip with toddlers.
    At least CVS is open all night.

    Her Bad Mother October 20, 2008 at 10:17 pm

    DesignHer Momma – I actually thought OH MY GOD I CAN NEVER WRITE ABOUT THIS (as I did some months ago when face with my 2 and a half year old shitting on the floor while I nursed my newborn and wept), simply because it seemed to defy description. Obvz, I overcame that ;)

    Her Bad Mother October 20, 2008 at 10:18 pm

    april – you’re so sweet ;)

    Rachael October 20, 2008 at 11:32 pm

    There are upsides to having a baby who is constipated all the time – I never had a horrible craptastrophy, and I feel lucky. I’m just… sorry.

    Immoral Matriarch October 20, 2008 at 11:34 pm

    Oo. Oooh. Oh no.

    Nikki October 20, 2008 at 11:36 pm

    My husband was in the military and had received orders to go to Germany. He left a month before we did due to waiting on passports. I thought I was prepared for the flight. A large can of formula, 3 bottles, 4 spoons, 4 jars of baby food, new packages of wipes and diapers, 3 outfits for him and about 4 burp rags. Considering this is an overnight flight and my son was only 6 months old I thought I had over prepared. However, I forgot to pack some clothes for me. His diaper leaked all over me while looking for the gate to our second plane…which of course was still in the states, and then while feeding him his last bottle for the night he proceeded to get sick all over me. It was not a good nights sleep. But thanks to the couple sitting next to me and the flight crew it was tolerable. On our flight home, I made sure to pack a set of clothes for both of us just in case.

    worldmomma October 20, 2008 at 11:37 pm

    Gross poop story: http://worldmomma.blogspot.com/2008/08/disgustingus-maximus.html

    and follow-up: http://worldmomma.blogspot.com/2008/09/disgustingus-maximus-repeat.html

    Oh yeah, then there was the time he was 3 weeks old and we were at a museum. Went to the bathroom to change him, thinking it would be a normal change – found absolutely everything covered in slime. He screamed for breastmilk, I had to feed him. Guy knocks on door waiting for bathroom. I walk out with naked baby on the boob in January. We didn’t have any spare clothes with us and had to take him to the car and to dinner wrapped in a blanket. Those fun early days!:)

    Sharon October 20, 2008 at 11:39 pm

    I think I have so many bad poop (and barf – my boy was a major, major vomiter until we figured out at 14 mos(!) that he had reflux) stories that I’ve pretty much blocked them out. But one thing I’ve learned is that other mom’s out there are VERY sympathetic and when my poopers were little, there were many times that I lent and borrowed wipes and diapers from total strangers. Also, I actually wised up with my 2nd and did keep a whole package of diapers in the car, but that doesn’t mean I actually REPLACED them when I ran out ;-) . I generally keep ‘ugly’ outfits in the car for my kids and my daughter has driven around in shorts and a parka in cold weather. My kids also learned early the expression “let’s go commando!”

    Jamie October 20, 2008 at 11:41 pm

    I am sorry this happened to you but I am thrilled that I am not the only parent who leaves the house assuming everything I need is all ready in the half ass packed back pack we use as a diaper bag.

    Thanks for the laughs!

    mothergoosemouse October 20, 2008 at 11:54 pm

    Less mustard. More peas.

    CJ shat herself in the Mouse House (fitting, isn’t it?) at the Bronx Zoo on Easter Sunday 2005. Stem to stern, and while I did have a spare dipe, I had no spare clothes. A kind woman observed our predicament and GAVE us her set of spare clothes. In 3.5+ years I have not forgotten her.

    Mom101 October 21, 2008 at 12:12 am

    Um, no.

    I do not have a worse poo story. I don’t know if anyone does.

    And that means that it can only get better from here. I wish you a far less shitty time from here on in. It’s been earned in spades.

    Mia October 21, 2008 at 12:13 am

    Well. I can only say, YOU GO MOM! Men have no idea what we go through, what we do, what catastrophies we correct. AND, they could never do it. Standing there, holding everything/one still as if trying desperately to freeze time and find the rewind button…yeah, been there. Though I do have to honestly say, that on this one, the mustard’s all yours!

    illahee October 21, 2008 at 2:54 am

    i don’t have a worse story, though my four day old shitting across the bed in the clinic was embarrassing enough (most normal births in japan include five days in the clinic postpartum.) had to tell the cleaning crew, who had already changed the sheets that morning, but maybe they’re used to that.

    and leaky diapers on my clothes? only at home. (leaky diaper) once or twice in the car seat. when it was something important? i don’t remember, so probably not.

    but i forget stuff ALL. THE. TIME. and i have three now, you’d think i would have it down by now. nope. idiot mother am i. *sigh*

    Adrenalynn October 21, 2008 at 3:34 am

    Oh my! I hope you can appreciate that I laughed my behind off reading this story! And that’s probably because I CAN RELATE. I haven’t had an experience quite as bad as this, but a few ones that were close enough. And yes, I have more than once found myself standing in the middle of a public toilet without as much as a single wipe-or a clean diaper, for that matter. I remember having to scrub down my eldest son’s car seat once – on a ROAD TRIP, outside a crappy restaurant – and after changing him on the floor of a really tiny and DIRTY bathroom in said restaurant while he was screaming like nothing I’ve heard before or since, putting him right back in the soaking wet seat wearing nothing but a diaper. So much fun.

    May-B October 21, 2008 at 5:56 am

    You are a brave and dedicated woman. More have crumbled under less.

    At a family reunion, my brother (then 2) sat quietly in the bed of a truck and ate a flat box of cherries. Pits and all. He spent the rest of the day’s events loudly pooping cherry pits out the side of his diaper. My mother remained embarrassed until the days she died.

    Mrs C October 21, 2008 at 5:57 am

    No. Your colleague has no idea and you can laugh at her later when the shit hits the fan.

    Shit happens and you can’t always be prepared for it. The best you can do is suck it up. Which you did. Bravo!

    Sorry about the too many poop puns.

    Mrs C October 21, 2008 at 6:03 am

    And suck it up was a bad word choice. Sorry.

    Anonymous October 21, 2008 at 6:21 am

    I am not sure which experience was worse. Son #1 exploded while being changed. I managed to clean the poop off the change table, off the floor, off my leg and even off the wall but when my husband came in and asked me what was on my face I almost died. Yes, I missed the poop on my forehead! Son #2 decided at 6 weeks to explode in his diaper on the airplane. Changing a baby covered from head to toe in poop in a bathroom on an airplane with no change table is a huge challenge! Memories!!!

    rantsalamode October 21, 2008 at 7:25 am

    Wow, this is the side of motherhood people rarely talk about….

    Shannon October 21, 2008 at 7:27 am

    All parents have been there. And if they say they haven’t? They’re lying. I”m a pretty organized person and I usually plan ahead. But there are always those moments when you thought there still was ONE diaper in the car but there wasn’t, or your hubby was going to refill teh wipes container before you leave the house and he forgot (or I did). Either way, these things happen. And I think it’s some kind of scientific law that the poop must always exceed the amount of wipes available to clean it up.

    Jaywalker October 21, 2008 at 9:08 am

    Oh, so very much. You are NOT alone. I usually ended up wiping their poocalypse (great word) bums With. My. Socks. Or some skanky piece of paper from the bottom of my handbag, while giant groups of elderly ladies queued up behind me to tut and whisper.

    The description of your frankly AWESOME skills faced with this is proof that you are the jack bauer of mothers.

    SciFi Dad October 21, 2008 at 10:04 am

    I have no worse story than that.

    We don’t keep diapers in the car, but we are pretty good about making sure the diaper bag is stocked before we leave, and definitely before we go into a restaurant, for fear of exactly what happened to you.

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