Emilia’s birthday is this weekend. She will be four years old. Four year olds, she informs me, always have birthday parties.

“So do five year olds. And sixes. I don’t what happens when you get really old, but I hope you still get cake.”

I didn’t tell her that when you’re really old, like, thirty-something, you’re lucky if someone fixes you a bowl of cereal and washes the dishes. No point in rushing the disillusionment.

She asked for a birthday party, so we’re giving her a birthday party. The problem is, it has only just occurred to me today that throwing a birthday might mean doing something more than sending out invitations and cleaning the house (memo to self: clean house). There should be a cake, I suppose. And games. Do kids play games at birthday parties? Is Pin-The-Tail-On-The-Donkey still an acceptable game, or has PETA come out against that? Do I have to hire a clown or something? Can I drink? God, please tell me that I can drink.

We threw her a birthday party when she turned one, but that was more for us than for her, and really, with a birthday party full of babies and toddlers you just give them some teething biscuits and then sit back with your martini and watch them get jacked up on cookies and roll into each other. Four year olds, I’m guessing, are a bit of a tougher crowd.

I have about 48 hours to pull this together, and a limited budget. I need inspiration, advice and suggestions on how to turn a juice-box into a cocktail.

HELP.