Twelve Reasons Santa Might Be A Vampire, And Why That’s Kind Of Awesome
So, I was totally joking the other day when I remarked that Santa Claus was in some respects similar to Edward Cullen (note: if you are unfamiliar with Edward Cullen, none of what follows will strike you as funny nor make any kind of sense whatsoever. Do with that information what you will). Sure, the Santa of Santa Claus Is Coming To Town – the one who sees you when you’re sleeping, who knows when you’re awake – might be said to possess some of the same I Peek In Your Bedroom Window Because I Love You qualities as Edward, but really, Santa? A sparkly, red-lipped stalker? Who’s been known to chase down reindeer? Who has a penchant for cold? Don’t be ridicul –
Maybe I was on to something.
Let’s review the evidence:
1.) The aforementioned night stalking. Edward loves Bella, and so he lurks around her bedroom at night, watching her sleep and listening to her mumble sweet-nothings about her secret dreams and desires. Santa loves the children, and so he remote-watches them while they sleep and eavesdrops while they mumble about visions of sugarplums and then, when the time is right, he sneaks into their houses and then back out again without making a sound. Edward and Santa are both skilled in the dark arts of benevolent stalking. Disturbing? Maybe. But when was the last time you told your kids that you wouldn’t be letting Santa in the house because love means never watching people when they’re sleeping?
2.) Edward has been known to hang out in the far North. Santa lives in the far North.
3.) They both like the cold.
4.) They both like deer.
5.) They don’t usually make appearances in the sunshine, unless they really want to create a stir. You know what would have freaked out those Volterra crowds even more than a half-naked Edward leaping out from the shadows and sparkling in the sun? A half-naked Santa leaping out from the shadows baring his blindingly white belly to the sun.
6.) And then the Volturi would have killed Santa, too, for sure.
7.) Santa and Edward are both pretty white.
8.) And sparkly. Okay, so Santa twinkles, but still.
9.) Both have happy, dancing, elven-like beings in their households. Okay, so Santa has actual elves, and lots of them, and Edward only has the elf-like Alice, but I think that Alice stacks up against a whole crowd of elves any day. She could certainly eat a whole crowd of elves any day.
10.) Somebody has almost certainly composed a song that contains the lyrics “I saw Mommy kissing Edward Cullen/Underneath the mistletoe last night.” That somebody might be Stephenie Meyer.
11.) Or any one of the eleventy thousand Twilight Moms in North America, any number of whom, you just know, have Edward stockings hung by the chimney with care, right next to the cookies for Santa, who, did I mention? Sneaks into houses at night.
12.) That Christmas carol about asking Santa for two front teeth for Christmas? TWO FRONT TEETH? Come on. If that’s not code for make me a vampire, I don’t know what is.
12.) Did I mention? Sparkly denizens of the night.
13.) (Bonus!) Edward and Santa are both, end of the day, figments of imagination, and stories about them make people happy. And if they both spread some variety of happy (Edward-inspired happiness is more of a kind of tingliness, but let’s not parse that right now) – and/or can be used to intimidate recalcitrant offspring into submission – then I, for one, am all for it. Sure, I might laugh at you a teeny bit more if you have an Edward stocking than I would if you wear Santa-print jammies, but there’s still be a part of me, in both cases, admiring your commitment to the fantastical, sparkly, God-bless-us-everyone-even-the-vampires spirit of Christmas. Team Christmas, I salute you.
Now I’m going to have to go rethink the Grinch. He was probably a Volturi.
Posted by Her Bad Mother on December 17, 2009
Filed under: Uncategorized
Tags: edward cullen, new moon, santa, stephenie meyer, twilight saga
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."What is done out of love always takes place beyond good and evil." (Nietzsche, Aphorism 153, Beyond Good And Evil.) Not, unfortunately, beyond Dora dolls that shout 'WE DID IT!' when you step on them, but you learn to cope with that.
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© 2010 • Her Bad Mother • All Rights Reserved
Dec 16, 2009
What? How can their be NO comments on this post yet? This is brilliant.
(says the Twihard Twilight Mom who dreams of licking Edward Cullen all over his sparkly chest.)
TheFeministBreeder´s last blog ..TFB on TLC
Dec 16, 2009
See what happens when you start talking about Edward? The blood rushes out of my brain, headed for one very particular part of the body, and then I start spelling “there” as “their” and embarrass myself all over HBM.com. Please ignore the ecstasy-induced typo. Thank you.
TheFeministBreeder´s last blog ..TFB on TLC
Her Bad Mother Reply:
December 17th, 2009 at 3:36 pm
Ha. Ecstasy-induced typos are more than welcome. I empathize
Dec 16, 2009
Oh that is super funny!!! I needed that today
kitchenwitch´s last blog ..Keepin’ them clean
Dec 16, 2009
i am just reading this now.
and i know nothing about edward.
but the bit about “all i want for christmas is my two front teeth being a vampire reference is hilarious…!!!!
jeanine´s last blog ..More Estate Photos
Dec 16, 2009
#4 made me spit water. Dear God this is funny. Stumble!
Dec 16, 2009
And neither ever ages, do they? I think you’re on to something.
threeundertwo´s last blog ..The Charms of Christmas
Her Bad Mother Reply:
December 17th, 2009 at 10:20 am
EXCELLENT point.
Dec 16, 2009
#4? Almost peed myself. Well played on all points, seriously well played.
Her Bad Mother Reply:
December 16th, 2009 at 9:16 pm
And I wrote this *before* the head injury.
Dec 16, 2009
LOVE this Catherine! I couldn’t think of this on 8 hours of sleep/night, no idea how you’re so brilliant sleep-deprived! (Or maybe that helps with the funny/skewed view of things!!)
Her Bad Mother Reply:
December 17th, 2009 at 10:21 am
Sleep-deprivation is KEY, actually. Head injuries help, too. Also: liquor.
Dec 17, 2009
this is fantastic!!!
i’m looking forward to your blog about how the Grinch is the Volutri!
Her Bad Mother Reply:
December 17th, 2009 at 10:23 am
I’m actually not sure that I’m on to something with the Grinch and the Volturi. He doesn’t exactly have leadership abilities. Am currently working on Frosty as Zombie (morgue-cold, moves slowly, body parts drop off easily.)
LAVENDULA Reply:
December 18th, 2009 at 12:41 pm
catherine frosty as zombie is hilarious!
Dec 17, 2009
this is fantastic!!!
i’m looking forward to your blog about how the Grinch is the Volutri!
Becca Smalldon´s last blog ..tis the season to be jolly
Dec 17, 2009
I love this, very clever and original and funny!
Dec 17, 2009
HAHA….this is too great! I think you might be on to something. If Edward is Santa, I wouldn’t mind being Mrs. Vampire Claus
Dec 17, 2009
Brilliant… also, both are incredibly fast
Dec 17, 2009
This was hysterical!
caramama´s last blog ..On the Contrary
Dec 17, 2009
This is awesome. Creative thinking right on par.
Natballs´s last blog ..OBLOGatory Photos
Dec 17, 2009
I Love it!!!! Great post!!!
Dec 17, 2009
[...] Read the rest here [...]
Dec 17, 2009
Very funny! Having just re-read the Meyer saga (what’s the word for a 4 book series, quatrogy?)I can see your point(s).
But I have to tell you, New Moon is my least favorite book. The parts re Jacob are fine, but post-Volturi rescue, Edward and Bella are just too revoltingly mushy….even for teenagers…. I look forward to filming of the 3rd and especially 4th books.
Oh, I’m Team Edward….
Dec 17, 2009
Although I am Team No One (I won’t read the books), I do not live under a rock, either. Very funny!
Although, do I have to google Volturi? No clue what they are/that is.
ciao,
rpm
red pen mama´s last blog ..Miss Lily’s SpecialTeas: Photos
Dec 17, 2009
can’t comment on this post (not read or seen the movie) but would like to offer you my unconditional love and mention that santa will visit YOU even if you’re naughty. actually, especially cause you’re naughty.
Dec 17, 2009
I’ll say this once: vampires DON’T sparkle.
And that’s that.
Bill
Bill McNutt´s last blog ..September Blue – Trouble In Paradise
Her Bad Mother Reply:
December 17th, 2009 at 7:01 pm
Noted.
Dec 17, 2009
Wonderful humorous writing, HBM. Mahalo for lightening my day.
Eliza´s last blog ..Sun enters Capricorn aka Winter Solstice 2009
Dec 17, 2009
Awesomeness in 13 bullet points. You’re hilarious!
MadWoman´s last blog ..5000 new gray hairs and a GIVEAWAY!!
Dec 17, 2009
Long time reader, first time poster (I think). This was hilarious! I laughed and laughed, which is exactly what I needed right now. I love the comparisons…so true, so true! So funny, thanks for sharing!
Dec 18, 2009
hahahahaha! gosh i snorted my cany cane lane tea up my nose reading this!
Dec 18, 2009
[...] I blasphemed Santa, if calling out Saint Nicolas as a vampire can be considered blaspheming, which I’m pretty sure it [...]
Dec 19, 2009
Oh the funny, funny, funny. Love the comparison, and you’re onto something here.
P.S. Would it be weird if I sat on Santa’s lap and asked for Edward Cullen for Christmas?
Petit Elefant´s last blog ..a flurry of festive happenings.
Dec 19, 2009
Congrats on being named one of Babble’s Top 50 Mommy Bloggers! So glad to see you included, especially so high in the best written category.
Dec 27, 2009
Was tipped off to this post- it’s delightful- thanks!
http://www.examiner.com/examiner/x-13198-Twilight-Parents-Examiner~y2009m12d27-Mommy-blog-compares-Edward-Cullen-to-Santa-video
Dec 27, 2009
[...] mommy blog, Her Bad Mother, compares Edward Cullen to Santa, and the comparison is [...]
Dec 27, 2009
Very funny! loved the reference to Edward sparkling and Santa Twinkling..
you are completely right in saying that both are figments of imagination and both make us happy and smile! ( one way more than other and i don’t think i need to point out which one)
I don’t have santa p.j.’s but i sure would not mind wearing a pair of Edward p.j.’s to bed.. just not sure how the DH would like that!
i will settle for one last longing look at my bookmark which is next to our bed.
thank you for the thought provoking and image provoking post!!!
Dec 29, 2009
First time to your site…I enjoyed this very much! It was way too funny and I know 4-sure who Edward Cullen is!!!! Thanks so much for sharing… I will have to follow you on Twitter & on Facebook to keep tabs on your writtings…Hope your holidays brought you joy and your New Year is the begining to a Great Year.
Team Edward!