Twelve Reasons Santa Might Be A Vampire, And Why That’s Kind Of Awesome

December 17, 2009

So, I was totally joking the other day when I remarked that Santa Claus was in some respects similar to Edward Cullen (note: if you are unfamiliar with Edward Cullen, none of what follows will strike you as funny nor make any kind of sense whatsoever. Do with that information what you will). Sure, the Santa of Santa Claus Is Coming To Town – the one who sees you when you’re sleeping, who knows when you’re awake – might be said to possess some of the same I Peek In Your Bedroom Window Because I Love You qualities as Edward, but really, Santa? A sparkly, red-lipped stalker? Who’s been known to chase down reindeer? Who has a penchant for cold? Don’t be ridicul –

Maybe I was on to something.

Edward Claus, The Movie

Let’s review the evidence:

1.) The aforementioned night stalking. Edward loves Bella, and so he lurks around her bedroom at night, watching her sleep and listening to her mumble sweet-nothings about her secret dreams and desires. Santa loves the children, and so he remote-watches them while they sleep and eavesdrops while they mumble about visions of sugarplums and then, when the time is right, he sneaks into their houses and then back out again without making a sound. Edward and Santa are both skilled in the dark arts of benevolent stalking. Disturbing? Maybe. But when was the last time you told your kids that you wouldn’t be letting Santa in the house because love means never watching people when they’re sleeping?

2.) Edward has been known to hang out in the far North. Santa lives in the far North.

3.) They both like the cold.

4.) They both like deer.

5.) They don’t usually make appearances in the sunshine, unless they really want to create a stir. You know what would have freaked out those Volterra crowds even more than a half-naked Edward leaping out from the shadows and sparkling in the sun? A half-naked Santa leaping out from the shadows baring his blindingly white belly to the sun.

6.) And then the Volturi would have killed Santa, too, for sure.

7.) Santa and Edward are both pretty white.

8.) And sparkly. Okay, so Santa twinkles, but still.

9.) Both have happy, dancing, elven-like beings in their households. Okay, so Santa has actual elves, and lots of them, and Edward only has the elf-like Alice, but I think that Alice stacks up against a whole crowd of elves any day. She could certainly eat a whole crowd of elves any day.

10.) Somebody has almost certainly composed a song that contains the lyrics “I saw Mommy kissing Edward Cullen/Underneath the mistletoe last night.” That somebody might be Stephenie Meyer.

11.) Or any one of the eleventy thousand Twilight Moms in North America, any number of whom, you just know, have Edward stockings hung by the chimney with care, right next to the cookies for Santa, who, did I mention? Sneaks into houses at night.

12.) That Christmas carol about asking Santa for two front teeth for Christmas? TWO FRONT TEETH? Come on. If that’s not code for make me a vampire, I don’t know what is.

12.) Did I mention? Sparkly denizens of the night.

13.) (Bonus!) Edward and Santa are both, end of the day, figments of imagination, and stories about them make people happy. And if they both spread some variety of happy (Edward-inspired happiness is more of a kind of tingliness, but let’s not parse that right now)  – and/or can be used to intimidate recalcitrant offspring into submission – then I, for one, am all for it. Sure, I might laugh at you a teeny bit more if you have an Edward stocking than I would if you wear Santa-print jammies, but there’s still be a part of me, in both cases, admiring your commitment to the fantastical, sparkly, God-bless-us-everyone-even-the-vampires spirit of Christmas. Team Christmas, I salute you.

Now I’m going to have to go rethink the Grinch. He was probably a Volturi.

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    { 36 comments }

    TheFeministBreeder December 16, 2009 at 5:55 pm

    What? How can their be NO comments on this post yet? This is brilliant.

    (says the Twihard Twilight Mom who dreams of licking Edward Cullen all over his sparkly chest.)
    .-= TheFeministBreeder´s last blog ..TFB on TLC =-.

    TheFeministBreeder December 16, 2009 at 5:57 pm

    See what happens when you start talking about Edward? The blood rushes out of my brain, headed for one very particular part of the body, and then I start spelling “there” as “their” and embarrass myself all over HBM.com. Please ignore the ecstasy-induced typo. Thank you.
    .-= TheFeministBreeder´s last blog ..TFB on TLC =-.

    Her Bad Mother December 17, 2009 at 3:36 pm

    Ha. Ecstasy-induced typos are more than welcome. I empathize ;)

    kitchenwitch December 16, 2009 at 6:29 pm

    Oh that is super funny!!! I needed that today :)
    .-= kitchenwitch´s last blog ..Keepin’ them clean =-.

    jeanine December 16, 2009 at 7:00 pm

    i am just reading this now.
    and i know nothing about edward.

    but the bit about “all i want for christmas is my two front teeth being a vampire reference is hilarious…!!!!
    .-= jeanine´s last blog ..More Estate Photos =-.

    Karen Sugarpants December 16, 2009 at 7:33 pm

    #4 made me spit water. Dear God this is funny. Stumble!

    threeundertwo December 16, 2009 at 7:54 pm

    And neither ever ages, do they? I think you’re on to something.
    .-= threeundertwo´s last blog ..The Charms of Christmas =-.

    Her Bad Mother December 17, 2009 at 10:20 am

    EXCELLENT point.

    katie | motherbumper December 16, 2009 at 9:07 pm

    #4? Almost peed myself. Well played on all points, seriously well played.

    Her Bad Mother December 16, 2009 at 9:16 pm

    And I wrote this *before* the head injury.

    Sharon December 16, 2009 at 11:50 pm

    LOVE this Catherine! I couldn’t think of this on 8 hours of sleep/night, no idea how you’re so brilliant sleep-deprived! (Or maybe that helps with the funny/skewed view of things!!)

    Her Bad Mother December 17, 2009 at 10:21 am

    Sleep-deprivation is KEY, actually. Head injuries help, too. Also: liquor.

    Becca Smalldon December 17, 2009 at 5:56 am

    this is fantastic!!!

    i’m looking forward to your blog about how the Grinch is the Volutri!

    Her Bad Mother December 17, 2009 at 10:23 am

    I’m actually not sure that I’m on to something with the Grinch and the Volturi. He doesn’t exactly have leadership abilities. Am currently working on Frosty as Zombie (morgue-cold, moves slowly, body parts drop off easily.)

    LAVENDULA December 18, 2009 at 12:41 pm

    catherine frosty as zombie is hilarious!

    Becca Smalldon December 17, 2009 at 5:57 am

    this is fantastic!!!

    i’m looking forward to your blog about how the Grinch is the Volutri!
    .-= Becca Smalldon´s last blog ..tis the season to be jolly =-.

    Judy December 17, 2009 at 7:30 am

    I love this, very clever and original and funny!

    McKenzie December 17, 2009 at 10:46 am

    HAHA….this is too great! I think you might be on to something. If Edward is Santa, I wouldn’t mind being Mrs. Vampire Claus ;)

    Maya December 17, 2009 at 11:04 am

    Brilliant… also, both are incredibly fast

    caramama December 17, 2009 at 11:33 am

    This was hysterical!
    .-= caramama´s last blog ..On the Contrary =-.

    Natballs December 17, 2009 at 11:54 am

    This is awesome. Creative thinking right on par.
    .-= Natballs´s last blog ..OBLOGatory Photos =-.

    Judy December 17, 2009 at 11:55 am

    I Love it!!!! Great post!!!

    ipodlesley December 17, 2009 at 12:23 pm

    Very funny! Having just re-read the Meyer saga (what’s the word for a 4 book series, quatrogy?)I can see your point(s).
    But I have to tell you, New Moon is my least favorite book. The parts re Jacob are fine, but post-Volturi rescue, Edward and Bella are just too revoltingly mushy….even for teenagers…. I look forward to filming of the 3rd and especially 4th books.
    Oh, I’m Team Edward….

    red pen mama December 17, 2009 at 12:43 pm

    Although I am Team No One (I won’t read the books), I do not live under a rock, either. Very funny!

    Although, do I have to google Volturi? No clue what they are/that is.

    ciao,
    rpm
    .-= red pen mama´s last blog ..Miss Lily’s SpecialTeas: Photos =-.

    Tina C. December 17, 2009 at 1:41 pm

    can’t comment on this post (not read or seen the movie) but would like to offer you my unconditional love and mention that santa will visit YOU even if you’re naughty. actually, especially cause you’re naughty.

    Bill McNutt December 17, 2009 at 2:45 pm

    I’ll say this once: vampires DON’T sparkle.

    And that’s that.

    Bill
    .-= Bill McNutt´s last blog ..September Blue – Trouble In Paradise =-.

    Her Bad Mother December 17, 2009 at 7:01 pm

    Noted.

    Eliza December 17, 2009 at 9:17 pm

    Wonderful humorous writing, HBM. Mahalo for lightening my day. :-D
    .-= Eliza´s last blog ..Sun enters Capricorn aka Winter Solstice 2009 =-.

    MadWoman December 17, 2009 at 10:53 pm

    Awesomeness in 13 bullet points. You’re hilarious!
    .-= MadWoman´s last blog ..5000 new gray hairs and a GIVEAWAY!! =-.

    BMom December 17, 2009 at 11:21 pm

    Long time reader, first time poster (I think). This was hilarious! I laughed and laughed, which is exactly what I needed right now. I love the comparisons…so true, so true! So funny, thanks for sharing!

    LAVENDULA December 18, 2009 at 12:42 pm

    hahahahaha! gosh i snorted my cany cane lane tea up my nose reading this!

    Petit Elefant December 19, 2009 at 1:43 am

    Oh the funny, funny, funny. Love the comparison, and you’re onto something here.

    P.S. Would it be weird if I sat on Santa’s lap and asked for Edward Cullen for Christmas?
    .-= Petit Elefant´s last blog ..a flurry of festive happenings. =-.

    Michelle December 19, 2009 at 12:50 pm

    Congrats on being named one of Babble’s Top 50 Mommy Bloggers! So glad to see you included, especially so high in the best written category.

    Kimberly Sherman, Twilight Parents Examiner December 27, 2009 at 8:28 pm
    Deni December 27, 2009 at 8:45 pm

    Very funny! loved the reference to Edward sparkling and Santa Twinkling..
    you are completely right in saying that both are figments of imagination and both make us happy and smile! ( one way more than other and i don’t think i need to point out which one)
    I don’t have santa p.j.’s but i sure would not mind wearing a pair of Edward p.j.’s to bed.. just not sure how the DH would like that!
    i will settle for one last longing look at my bookmark which is next to our bed.
    thank you for the thought provoking and image provoking post!!!

    MNTwilightMom December 29, 2009 at 6:31 pm

    First time to your site…I enjoyed this very much! It was way too funny and I know 4-sure who Edward Cullen is!!!! Thanks so much for sharing… I will have to follow you on Twitter & on Facebook to keep tabs on your writtings…Hope your holidays brought you joy and your New Year is the begining to a Great Year.

    Team Edward!

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