Home Alone

When I saw the news that Anna Kournikova’s mom had been charged with neglect for leaving her little boy home alone for an hour while she ran errands, I thought, how terrible. And then I thought, there but for the grace of a little more restraint go I.

I’ve left my daughter alone. Not for an hour – not for anywhere near an hour; more like a handful of minutes – and not at any significant distance, but still. How much difference does time and distance make, anyway? If you live in a big house, with a big yard, does leaving a child napping while you go outside to garden count as neglect? Running next door to borrow sugar from a neighbor? Crossing the street to return a snow shovel? Is it okay if you’re only gone a few minutes? If you haven’t gone too far away? Should you never, ever leave your children alone in the house, for any amount of time? Or does keeping your children at your side even while you’re dragging the recycling bins back to the garage mark you as an incurably hyper parent?

I left my daughter alone.

It was the other week, when it was cold and wet and windy and miserable outside and Emilia was home sick – not a lot sick, but sick enough that I didn’t want her going to school or outside or any great distance from blankets and tissues – and my husband had just called to say that he wouldn’t be able to leave work early enough to pick up Jasper from daycare. I would have to go get him. Which wasn’t a big deal, really, because the daycare is only a few steps from our house, just around the corner, less than ten minutes round-trip including coat-buttoning and boot-zipping time. Except that it was kind of a big deal that day, because I had on my hands a sick, bedraggled child for whom the walk in the wet, blowing snow would not – no matter how short – be pleasant and would likely make her feel worse.

“Just leave her,” my husband said. “You’ll be back in less time than it takes you to go to the bathroom. She’ll be fine.”

I hesitated.

“Really,” he said.

He had a point. She and I would be out of communication range longer if I took a shower or went down to the basement to do laundry. I was just going around the corner. I’d only be a few minutes. I would never tell anyone.

“Never tell anyone,” said Katie, when I told her that I’d done it, that I’d left Emilia for a few minutes while I ran to get Jasper. “I mean, I totally think it’s no big deal, but you know. People judge.”

Of course they do. Because, really, it can be hard to know where to find the line that divides free-range parenting from Madame Kournikova parenting, between making a choice based upon one’s confidence in one’s children’s abilities to function independently in appropriate circumstances and making choice that disregards the interests and well-being of the child. It can hard to find that line, because the location of that line depends very much upon the attitudes and opinions of the person looking for it. If you believe that a kindergartener should never, ever be left alone, under any circumstances, then even leaving them in front of the television while you take a shower or run next door to return a snow shovel might seem borderline neglectful. If you believe that if they can tie their shoes and operate an iPhone, they can take care of themselves unsupervised for reasonable periods of time, questioning the reasonableness of leaving them while you go outside to do whatever might provoke headache-inducing eye rolls.

I’m more or less in the latter camp. My own parents were a combination of hyper (they would enroll me in any activity – organ, voice, gymnastics, swimming, art, public speaking – if I showed even the slightest flicker of interest or talent, and then stage-parent me enthusiastically) and free-range (I was roaming our neighborhood freely, climbing cherry trees and stealing fruit when I was still in preschool) and I don’t think that their tendencies in the latter regard ever put me in harm’s way (and I say this as a child of the Clifford Olsen era in British Columbia, lest anyone think that that is only true because the late 70’s/early 80’s in Canada were a simpler, more innocent time). I think, actually, that their practice of worrying only about what they thought was the big stuff – was I being encouraged enough? was I being given enough opportunities? how could they best work toward ensuring that my future was bright? – as opposed to what they saw as the small stuff – was I old enough to be wandering off on my own to explore the neighborhood and ransack cherry trees? – was pretty reasonable, as far as parenting philosophies go. They wanted me to have a world of opportunity, so they guided me toward and encouraged me in the pursuit of and held my hand in the exploration of as much of the world as they could. But they also  wanted me to be independent, and so they let go of my hand, a lot, and let me be independent from an early age.

I don’t know if they ever left me home alone while I was in kindergarten. I do know that my dad forgot me at the mall, once, and that my mom gave him shit for that for years, but that’s a different thing, I think.

This is, I think, a long-winded apologia for what is really just another parenting confession: I left my child in the house alone, and I don’t want to be raked over the coals for it, even though I know that I might be raked over the coals and even though I know that such coal-raking is actually good for the conversations that we’re having or should be having about our choices in parenting and how we react to each others’ choices and so on and so forth. It is, too, one more effort to stick to my guns with the philosophy that if I’m willing to do it – ‘it’ being some act of motherhood – I should be willing to talk about it. If I really were unwilling to talk about leaving my daughter alone in the house for a few minutes, then I shouldn’t have done it; if I can defend my choice to myself – and I should never make a parenting choice that I can’t so defend – then I should be able and willing to stick up for that choice out loud.

So, I admit it: I made the reasoned choice to leave my child alone, in the house, for a few minutes, and I don’t think that I was neglectful to do so. What do you think?

(Go easy on me.)

Posted by Her Bad Mother on January 21, 2010 6:29 pm • Being Bad, Ima Let You Finish, Mother Talk, emilia • 145 comments  

145 Comments

1. Caetb Said,

   January 21, 2010 @ 6:53 pm

   I have to confess that I have on many occasions left one or both of my children alone in the house while I: brought in the garbage cans, got the paper, ran next door to borrow something from the neighbor. They also happily entertain themselves while I shower, cook dinner, nap, clean, whatever.
   My son is in kindergarten and my daughter is going on 3. I only leave her alone if she’s napping, although she does entertain herself while I shower.
   I certainly would never go far enough that I needed to drive. And I would never be away longer than the length of a shower, but if I had to drag my kids along ever time I set foot outside the house I think all of us would go mental.

   Okay, let the rock throwing begin..

   

   sarah Reply:
   February 7th, 2010 at 11:24 pm

   I’m sorry, but I have several brothers and sisters and my mom told me one day (which obviously stuck in my head), that the day you decide to keep the child you have created in your stomach, that is the day you decide that this child is going to be with you everywhere! I believe that if you leave your child alone while you run out to the car or to take the trash cans or to borrow sugar from the neighbor, you are neglecting your child. Even as the oldest sister of 7, I am sure to bring my 9,5 and 3 year old brothers and sister with me out ANYWHERE.

2. Well Read Hostess Said,

   January 21, 2010 @ 6:54 pm

   I totally agree with you about the hyperparenting.

   I’ve left my kids alone…with a phone in their hands (and of course my daughter called me within five minutes to ask me how long I’d be).

   But it’s all context and situation and kid specific, isn’t it? No matter what we do, we question it.
   Well Read Hostess´s last blog ..I’ll Bet John Roberts Has Dick Cheney Hiding Under His Robes

3. Musings of a Housewife Said,

   January 21, 2010 @ 6:56 pm

   I’ve done it. I think people are way too uptight these days, frankly. Your “secret” is safe with me. Heh.

4. Leah Said,

   January 21, 2010 @ 6:57 pm

   Yesterday I left my one-year-old in the car while I walked thirty steps to the ATM (in full sight of the car and my child), and I felt weird about it not because I thought something was going to happen to him during those two minutes he was strapped snugly into his carseat, out of harm’s way, but because I thought someone would see him (especially when he started crying) and accuse me of neglect.

   It’s good, I think, that most of us have seen enough child-left-in-the-car/at-home horror stories that we lean toward hyper-parenting, but I definitely agree that this is not the b&w issue people want to make it because, yes, it depends very much on the child, the parent, and the circumstance.

   

   Her Bad Mother Reply:
   January 21st, 2010 at 10:49 pm

   It’s so powerful, isn’t it, that fear of censure – even more powerful than fear of something happening, because we’re pretty good judges of risk and our guts so often tell us when something’s pretty safe but OH GOD the fear of someone seeing and thinking differently. SIGH.

   

   madge Reply:
   January 22nd, 2010 at 2:03 pm

   My sister’s friend left her baby in the car (strapped in, asleep, window cracked) to run into her other child’s daycare. She had called ahead, plead her case and requested that her kid be dressed and ready. They were out in minutes.

   Then a few days later, she got a visit from Child Services. Another parent had seen the baby in the car and turned her in!

   I’m fairly free-range, but am also so wary of official, government sanctioned censure.

   

   zchamu Reply:
   January 22nd, 2010 at 10:50 am

   Leah, I did exactly the same thing the other day. She was asleep, bent over double passed out in her carseat, and I ran inside a store for about 90 seconds to pick something up that I desperately needed. The car was never out of my sight. She was at no more risk with me out of the car than she would have been with me in it. And yet? I didn’t even mention to the clerk that I had to go quickly because the baby was asleep in the car because oh my god, I can just imagine the looks or the judgey.
   zchamu´s last blog ..I’m with CoCo.

   

   Dani Reply:
   January 22nd, 2010 at 12:58 pm

   I’m totally in the same boat. I have on two occasions have had a comatose child on a freezing day and run into a store for two minutes. But I want to lie and tell people that I dragged her out into the cold because I DID tell a friend once and got crucified for it.
   She was just as safe. The car was locked and the automatic starter was on so she was even still warm. It’s stupid that we have to be afraid of what people will think.

5. Musings of a Housewife Said,

   January 21, 2010 @ 6:58 pm

   Allow me to clarify. I just read the article. I’ve done the 10 minute thing while I run to preschool, not a 5-y/o alone for an hour. That’s beyond my comfort level.
   Musings of a Housewife´s last blog ..American Idol Recap

   

   Her Bad Mother Reply:
   January 21st, 2010 at 10:50 pm

   Totally got that. I’m not comfortable with the idea of leaving any child under babysitter age alone for an hour, either.

6. Jenn Said,

   January 21, 2010 @ 6:58 pm

   I think you were totally justified. That being said, I leave my napping child in the house while I mow the lawn and garden all the time. I also leave them in the car (locked) while I take the 30 seconds it takes to run in and pay for gas. I don’t think what you did was wrong. I’m sure you locked the house. Besides, it isn’t like you left her for hours on end while you went out drinking or something. You were gone a couple of minutes and she was safe.

   Don’t beat yourself up over it. We all make our own choices as parents and no one will ever agree 100% with every choice you (or I for that matter) make. We are too quick to judge one another and I think it is because most people are just insecure about their own parenting choices so they choose to pick on someone else to make themselves feel better.

7. Sugar Jones Said,

   January 21, 2010 @ 7:01 pm

   I once was chided by a neighbor for letting the kids ride their bikes to the community complex play area alone. It’s one building over. I could walk there in 30 seconds. I couldn’t believe I was being tagged a bad mom for allowing my kids to roam a less than a football field away.

   I don’t think we should be castigated for leaving our kids in a safe place for a short time. Who and how long depends on the age and abilities of the kids, of course. I can see some parents neglecting their kids…

   but that’s not me or you.

   
   Sugar Jones´s last blog ..Screw Dr. Laura

   

   Her Bad Mother Reply:
   January 21st, 2010 at 10:50 pm

   

8. Bonnie Said,

   January 21, 2010 @ 7:01 pm

   Well, not being a parent I’m sure most of the responents after me will assume I know nothing; but, as an only child in a single parent house, I think I get a little opinion. I think your decision was fine – the reality is that your thought process was the good parenting part. The final decision was probably hard to make, but I think it was the fact that you understood the risks and made a decision that was caring and logical makes you a good mom. I grew up pretty independent and it was always taught to me that kids were just adult doing their on job training – so leaving a sniffly kid in bed for a little bit doesn’t seem like such a big deal. I only wish there were more moms like you who would recognise that they are not in control of the entire world and make decisions that don’t negate the fact that kids are not always destined for the worst case scenario.

   

   Her Bad Mother Reply:
   January 21st, 2010 at 10:51 pm

   Thank you – I think that the deliberation makes a lot of difference, too.

9. Gray Matter Matters Said,

   January 21, 2010 @ 7:03 pm

   Hmmm, it is a tricky one isn’t it. Every parent knows their child best–are they hypnotized when the TV is on so the likelihood of them leaving the couch is about 0% or do they get into everything?

   I think 50 minutes is truly neglectful when you’re talking about a 5-year old. I just started leaving my 10 year old alone for about that long, but he’s, well, he’s 10.

   I also wonder what kind of insecurity it could create in such a young child, being gone for that long. It would kill me to think of my child wandering around desperately looking for me. I’m not sure her 5-year old should get to decide whether or not he wants to accompany his mom on errands.
   Gray Matter Matters´s last blog ..Sometimes it’s good to have a lawyer in the house

   

   Her Bad Mother Reply:
   January 21st, 2010 at 10:55 pm

   I totally agree about the Kournikova case. I couldn’t have stood to leave Emilia for fifteen minutes, let alone fifty. It needed to be fast and close for me to justify it.

10. Alexis Said,

    January 21, 2010 @ 7:04 pm

    In the same circumstances, I would have done the same thing.

    I used to agonize over whether it was okay for me to leave The Imp (3 months old, sleeping, in his crib) while I went downstairs (21 floors down, out of baby monitor range) to the laundry room for ten minutes. I did it – more than once.

    Now that he’s 19 months and mobile, of course, if I leave him awake and unsupervised for five minutes he wreaks immeasurable havoc upon the apartment, so I bring him with me.
    Alexis´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday

    

    Her Bad Mother Reply:
    January 21st, 2010 at 10:59 pm

    Yeah, I can’t leave Jasper for more than fifteen seconds alone, because, DESTRUCTION.

11. Lona Said,

    January 21, 2010 @ 7:05 pm

    I don’t think you did anything wrong. I’ve left my four year old parked in front of the television while I took the dog outside in a thunderstorm. Why WOULD I take my son out if he was perfectly safe — and in my instance, with the blinds open — I could see his little head in the house, bobbing to the music on the telly.

    I had those parents who were terrified to leave me alone. It was horrible, and left me — at 18, when I went off to college — in a horrible state, constantly nervous when alone.

    Ya did nothin’ wrong.
    Lona´s last blog ..Geeeettting to know you, getttting to know alllll about you ….

    

    Ali Reply:
    January 22nd, 2010 at 9:18 am

    I had those parents too! You have to learn to grow up AFTER you’ve left home, instead of being able to do it when you’re a kid.

12. Carrie Said,

    January 21, 2010 @ 7:07 pm

    I JUST wrote about this!!!! http://seattlemomblogs.com/2010/01/home-alone-when-are-your-kids-old-enough-to-say-home-without-a-parent/

    Anyway…I think only you can guage what is best based on your individual situation and your child’s personality. Only the parent, and I’m assuming you’re a level-headed, well-meaning parent, can make that decision. I’ don’t know the details about that other person, but of course…common sense is common sense. And the law is the law. All of these things play a part into what, should be, a well thought out decision regarding the care of one’s child. And regardless of judgement from other people, if it feels wrong – than it probably was. Not saying what you did, in your situation, was wrong…just saying. Ya know?
    Carrie´s last blog ..Mom’s Lemon Chicken

    

    Her Bad Mother Reply:
    January 21st, 2010 at 11:02 pm

    I’m pretty level-headed, and very well-meaning

    And the ‘feels wrong’ thing – well, that was part of the point of talking openly about it. I’m okay with it, but being okay with it means okay talking about it.

13. Molly Said,

    January 21, 2010 @ 7:08 pm

    I wouldn’t do it. But we live in a good neighborhood on the edge of a bad neighborhood, and the woman that lived here before us was a (no kidding) crack whore and for several weeks after we moved in the most terrifying bunch of people would stop by looking for her (she was evicted.) I live between two women, neither of whom work outside the home, and I think I would have asked one of them to come over and keep Max company for a few minutes. I know that’s not an option that most people have, but I think that’s what I would have done.

    Sure, I shower, do laundry, run out to the garage, and do lots of other things while I’m alone with my kids, but I’m still in the house. Max knows to NEVER, EVER open the door for anybody without asking first, and I don’t think he can manage the door anyway.

    I totally understand why you left her home alone for those few minutes, and in your case I might have done the same thing, but in my case, no way. No judgement though: I’ll parent my kids and everyone else should feel free to parent their own.

    

    Her Bad Mother Reply:
    January 21st, 2010 at 11:08 pm

    “I’ll parent my kids and everyone else should feel free to parent their own.”

    Hear, hear.

14. Mary Jo Said,

    January 21, 2010 @ 7:08 pm

    My husband differ on this topic a lot, and that worries me to some extent. We don’t have kids yet, but we’ve talked about children being left home alone. I was raised, as was he, as free roaming children in the 80’s and early 90’s. That being said, I believe the age in which you leave a child home alone differs with each child. While my husband thinks it’s perfectly acceptable to leave a 7yr old home alone, I disagree, that in my opinion is too young, no matter how mature. On the other hand you have someone like my sister-in-law who refuses to let her 13 and 16 year olds stay home alone, and THAT? Crazy to me!

    As far as what you did? I don’t see an issue, because you were minutes away. Like your husband said, you would have spent just as much time in the bathroom, basement or at a neighbors borrowing a cup of sugar. You did fine.
    Mary Jo´s last blog ..Now with more howling…

15. Bernadette Smith Said,

    January 21, 2010 @ 7:09 pm

    I have no problem with what you did. You did what was best for your child, both children actually. That is part of the problem with parenting. If you had taken her, someone would have given you shit for that! You can’t win this game, no matter what. You just do the best you can. That by the way is not an excuse. Someone somewhere will get all judgie about what your decision was.

    My mother has a fit if she can’t see and hear my children at every moment. I figure if no one is crying or bleeding, my work is done!

    I will keep your secret. If they find out and have a problem with it, tell them to suck it!

16. Marcy Said,

    January 21, 2010 @ 7:09 pm

    Twice now in the past couple of months I’ve been VERY tempted to leave my son in the car for a few minutes while I ran into a store (or into my own house) to get something really quick (he’s 2 yrs old and a PITA to get in and out of his car seat a lot of the time). Either time was overcast and cold, so there was no risk whatsoever of overheating. I felt it would have been a completely reasonable and safe choice each time. But I couldn’t stomach it because I knew if someone caught me I’d be viewed as a totally neglectful and irresponsible parent because of it. And honestly, I kinda resent that because, again, I *know* that he would’ve been fine, and made those 10 minutes it took to get whatever I needed to get a LOT easier and less of a hassle.

    In short– I think what you did was fine, and pretty much totally agree with you.
    Marcy´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday: rainy days

    

    Her Bad Mother Reply:
    January 22nd, 2010 at 2:03 pm

    Okay, I *just* figured out the acronym PITA (had been trying to figure out how your child was a flatbread) and LOVE IT.

    Also, yes. And thank you

17. Marcy Said,

    January 21, 2010 @ 7:11 pm

    PS- I recently heard stories of when my mom was a kid, being walked around the block in a wagon by her 4 yo cousin while my mom was 18 months old and my uncle a baby of about 3 months at the time. And that was a totally fine, normal thing for them to do. You hear stuff like that (and know they all turned out fine and are still alive and were never kidnapped, etc) that helps give me a little perspective as per our “norms” today. My guess is most moms from the 50’s and 60’s would have been viewed as horribly neglectful by today’s standards.
    Marcy´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday: rainy days

    

    Her Bad Mother Reply:
    January 22nd, 2010 at 2:05 pm

    My parents let me go everywhere. I can remember playing alone (with friends) outside, away from sightlines of our house, when I was 5.

18. Zeynep Said,

    January 21, 2010 @ 7:16 pm

    I don’t have children to leave alone… but I have been left alone as a child, for hours on end, every afternoon between the ages of 8 and…. whenever you’re not a child anymore, after I came home from school. Both my parents worked. I had no babysitter after my grandmother passed away.

    With a few pre-understood warnings and rituals (”Don’t use the stove, don’t open the door to anyone, call me first thing when you get home”) I guess the worst thing it caused was my habit of feeding the ants that used to get in that one time and then observe their patterns of movement. I would laugh in the face of anyone who thought my parents were neglectful.

19. Beth Said,

    January 21, 2010 @ 7:20 pm

    This is something that me and my mom friends discuss a lot.The mothers (or fathers) who leave their children in cars for hours while they go to the casino (or whatever other horrible story you hear on the news) have obliterated the line that you talk of. I am not afraid for my baby’s safety when I leave him sleeping in the car when I run in to pay for gas. I am afraid someone will call the cops on me.
    Beth´s last blog ..Winter Blossoms

    

    Shannon Reply:
    January 21st, 2010 at 8:49 pm

    Beth, that exact thing happened to me – someone called the cops on me and I was away from my (safely buckled in) children for no more than 2 minutes. And ever since then I can’t bring myself to do it, even though I am 100% confident that I in no way put my children in danger. I still stand by my decision and have no problem with others doing it. And Catherine, I do not think what you did was neglectful. It is up to you to decide if your child can handle a couple of minutes alone and you know her better than anyone else. Glad to hear I’m not the only one who thinks this way!

    

    Brittany at Mommy Words Reply:
    January 22nd, 2010 at 9:36 am

    We have a zer second law here in North Carolina so not only do the cops come – you get in big trouble for the car thing. I agree when the temperature is soaring because you can’t leave the car locked and windows closed but i think it is pretty silly to have parenting classes full of moms who ran in to pay for gas while it was freezing cold and pouring rain! So I am with you – terrified of the police more than the safety!
    Brittany at Mommy Words´s last blog ..Bringing Baby Violet Home

20. Jennifer Juniper Said,

    January 21, 2010 @ 7:22 pm

    As with any parenting decision, I think you have to look at the circumstances. You were so close and it was for such a short amount of time.

    I wouldn’t have driven away or gone to the store, but I think what you did was reasonable. Would you have spent that amount of time working outside in your flower beds with a child inside? I would have, and have done so. I’ve walked to the bus stop when my little ones were still asleep. I guess something could have happened, but I also know of a horrible accident that happened to a little child when parents, siblings, and grandparents were in the same room: http://hopestudios.blogspot.com/2009/10/child-needs-your-help-hope-studios.html

    Don’t beat yourself up, we are all trying the best we can and working with what we’ve got to raise these kids of ours.
    Jennifer Juniper´s last blog ..A Room with a View – Recycle an Old Window

21. C @ Kid Things Said,

    January 21, 2010 @ 7:26 pm

    I leave my kids inside while I retrieve our garbage cans. I don’t like doing it, especially with my 3 year old who likes to get into everything, but sometimes things have to be done. If it wasn’t for my 3 year old, though, I wouldn’t have as much of a problem with it.
    C @ Kid Things´s last blog ..Another First

22. jodifur Said,

    January 21, 2010 @ 7:31 pm

    I’m not going to comment on what I think or don’t think b/c it doesn’t matter, but will just say this. You are in Canada, and I don’t know Canadian law at all, but in the US, some states have laws about this. In the state I am in it is actually a crime to leave a child under 8 alone for any period of time. I’m not lecturing or passing judgment (although I did pass judgment when I wrote about this for mamapop but hey, that is what we do at mamapop) my hair just stood up a little reading this with “I just admitted I committed a crime, on the internet.” But I’m a lawyer, we worry about things like this.
    jodifur´s last blog ..Merrily We Scoot Along

    

    Her Bad Mother Reply:
    January 22nd, 2010 at 2:09 pm

    My understanding of Canadian law is that it’s similar, although I don’t know to what extent what ‘alone’ means is spelled out. If parents are on the property (what if it’s a big property)? If parents are in view of children? Can see them? Hear them? If I’m in our basement I can neither hear nor see the kids; ditto if I’m in the shower. I can see them in our yard – but in friends’ yards (2 acres) not so much. So do we just NEVER let our kids out of our sight? How would that even work?

    

    Karen Sugarpants Reply:
    January 22nd, 2010 at 4:34 pm

    There is no defined age, by law. http://www.cashn.on.ca/index.php/2008/06/19/at-what-age-can-i-leave-my-child-home-alone/

    Which means common sense prevails – and I imagine it would be up to CAS to decide, like in the case of Anna’s little brother? As said in the linked article, it’s vague on purpose – a 12 year old kid might be more mature than 14 year old kid.

    

    Biagia Reply:
    February 2nd, 2010 at 3:26 pm

    As you state, some states have a specific age limit law – not all do. I investigated this when trying to figure out whether we could “legally” leave my 13 yo stepson at home alone (wanted to make sure his mom didn’t have any ammunition to make a stink about it). I found out that in my state there is no specific age – it is left up to the discretion of the police/child services/whomever to determine the situation – although 13 years is an often stated guideline. So, 5-year old home alone for an hour – probably an issue; 13 year old – not so much.

23. kittenpie Said,

    January 21, 2010 @ 7:34 pm

    Like so many things, I think the answer depends.

    Depends on the child – are they likely to get into something? Not follow instructions? Do they have something to focus on to keep them from fretting about the absence? Are they comfortable with absence?

    Depends on the house – childproofed pretty well? Well-known to them? They can’t get out?

    Depends on the length and nature of the absence – short time, they know where you are going and are confident in your swift return? You are within close range?

    My biggest fears are ones that are dangerous with me IN the house, too, so going out to do something within view of the house on our long, straight block seems okay, or going to the basement while she is on the 3rd floor.

    These are the things that feel nerve-wracking at first, but are the baby steps to later independence, anyhow.

24. cagey Said,

    January 21, 2010 @ 7:36 pm

    DUDE.

    I was not left home alone when I was 5 years old. *I* was leaving home . We lived in the country, our nearest neighbors were a half mile away. The shortest route was through our adjoining pastures (I live in Kansas, home to rattlesnakes and copperheads.) I freely ran around to our neighbors and back.

    I think it is obvious (or is it?) that what Kournikovas mother did was not cool. But in your case, I certainly see the temptation to just run a quick errand.

    I have left my kids in the car to pick something up and to pay for gas. When I check my mailbox, I am further away from my house than when I leave the kids in the car for the 2.2 seconds it takes me to run my errand. However, I am far more afraid of the cops being called on me than I am for my children’s safety. After all, they are in a locked car where I can clearly SEE them.

    How brave of you to admit this, Catherine. I am cautious to even admit that I let my 4 year old play by himself in our front yard. Folks are already so judgmental about kids playing their BACK yards.

    Lines? They are all so gray. Sigh.
    cagey´s last blog ..In Accordance With GAPP

    

    Her Bad Mother Reply:
    January 22nd, 2010 at 2:13 pm

    True story: when I was three, my mom left me out in our very big but enclosed backyard while she washed dishes. when she looked out the window, she saw me beckoning to a cougar, calling KITTY KITTY KITTY.

    She brought me inside. It took a year and a change of neighborhoods, but by four I was playing outside alone again

    

    Lynn Reply:
    January 22nd, 2010 at 9:33 pm

    Holy crap, a cougar? I think it’s safe to say that if this ever happened to me (from the mother’s side of things), my children would be locked in their rooms until adulthood . Crazy!
    Lynn´s last blog ..Chocolate Creme Pie

25. Mandy Said,

    January 21, 2010 @ 7:37 pm

    Sometimes, I think parenting is just a series of calculated risks. Like you said, kids can get into trouble while you’re in the shower, the next room, or, frankly, sitting right next to them.

    I think something in your gut would have told you if it was a bad decision to leave Emilia alone for those 10 minutes, and you would have brought her with you.
    Mandy´s last blog ..Exposition

26. Ariel Said,

    January 21, 2010 @ 7:38 pm

    I got supervised visitation worked into my divorce for my ex husband because he’d leave our 2 year old alone while he went to buy beer or go work out. He said she was sleeping so what did it hurt? BUT he was also always high at this point in his life. Not rational. AND he left her with his home health client who was NEVER allowed to be unsupervised. I didn’t care that he was sleeping either- he had a major head trauma and wasn’t fit to take care of himself, let alone a two year old. In fact, when I found out about him leaving her it’s the final reason I needed to leave him.
    But he wasn’t rational, he wasn’t responsible and hello? buying beer? WHILE WORKING? Ya.
    Not so much.
    NOW, on the other hand, you were in WALKING DISTANCE! I don’t have a problem with what you did!

27. D. Said,

    January 21, 2010 @ 7:41 pm

    You definitely won’t see any stone-throwing from my neck of the woods. I think you made a perfectly justifiable decision appropriate to your child and your circumstances.

    My parents were not of the free-range mentality, and I was not allowed to be home alone until I was probably 11. I’ve had no second thoughts, however, about leaving the house for a minute or two to fetch something from our (detached) garage, or head outside to garden or mow while my Sweet Girl is sleeping.

    Despite that I’m still strangely unwilling to sleep without the monitor on (she’s 3) because a) our room is across the house from hers and we really wouldn’t be able to hear her if she was in true distress, and b) there’s something about knowing that I will be not conscious (and boy do I sleep like a rock) that makes me feel deeply uncomfortable about not maintaining auditory contact. I think that’s maybe a little weird, no?

    

    Her Bad Mother Reply:
    January 22nd, 2010 at 2:18 pm

    Interesting point – my husband sleeps like the dead, so if I (who sleeps like the very-much-alive) am out of town, the kids are pretty much completely on their own through the night while he sleeps. There could be an earthquake and he might not wake up. I exaggerate only VERY slightly.

    

    Ali Reply:
    January 22nd, 2010 at 5:06 pm

    My ex used to stay over when the boy was tiny. Boy would cry, I, on the floor above would hear him and go see if he was ok. The ex? Still fast asleep three feet away from the crying baby. How do men do it?

    

    Bella Reply:
    January 26th, 2010 at 2:12 pm

    Here’s a take on “how” men do it… and why mothers wake from every freaking whimper:

    http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/12/08/why-mom-wakes-up-when-baby-cries/
    Bella´s last blog ..The best ten books on discipline

28. Bill Said,

    January 21, 2010 @ 7:42 pm

    My rule is simple – if I can see my house and am only a couple of houses away, I’m okay leaving my kids alone for a few minutes…especially if they’re asleep. If I didn’t, I could never mow the grass, shovel snow in the street, or talk to a neighbor in the yard.

    Why do I want to keep it in sight? I’m not as worried about my children doing something as I am about a stranger coming up or the house catching fire. If I can see it, I can do something about it quickly.
    Bill´s last blog ..Celebrating MLK

29. Suzanne Said,

    January 21, 2010 @ 7:59 pm

    I think Beth hit the nail on the head – the truly neglectful have ruined it for the casually unconcerned. I can’t even go to the gas station in my neighborhood because I have to go inside to pay and that would involve dragging my 9 month old in and out of his car seat for a 20 second transaction. I would be totally ok leaving him in a locked car but my fear of having to explain to the cops that it was 20 SECONDS and 50 degrees out means I drive to the nearest pay-at-the-pump. But do I leave him sleeping in the car behind my house when I unload groceries? Of course. Do I let him nap in his crib while I garden? Sure. As long as I could get back to the baby in a reasonable amour of time I don’t need to be in the same room all the time. That’s what child safety locks and baby monitors are for.

30. Melissa Said,

    January 21, 2010 @ 8:01 pm

    I leave my kids (4 1/2 and 2 1/2) in the house to take out the garbage, feed the cats, etc. They play by themselves when I’m in the shower. (Which I never thought was a big deal, and some of the comments here “confessing” to doing the same thing are surprising to me.)

    I’m too paranoid to do any more, but that’s mostly because of my own issues. Once a babysitter left my brother and me alone for a couple of hours when we were 4 and 2. I don’t remember it, but I can only imagine my own kids would be terrified in the same situation. We were latchkey kids from a very young age and once a neighbor called the cops and reported my parents for neglect. (The cops came and saw that the house was clean and well-stocked with food and that we were fine, and that was the end of it.) So that’s where I’m coming from, but I don’t think what you did was terrible at all.

31. BoozleBox Said,

    January 21, 2010 @ 8:07 pm

    I wouldn’t have done it. I think unexpected things happen and it’s unfair to ask a young child to cope. I was at home once and a contraption my husband had made using batteries and wire ( for the kids of course!) caught fire on the dining room table. I panicked for a few seconds then managed to put it out. It really brought home to me that my kids would have to know the safe thing to do in circumstances like that before I could leave them. I’m happy to go in the garden, shower etc because I can at least hear them. I struggle with this alot lately as I have two kids aged 8 and 10 and my peers do leave their children of the same age alone for short periods. But I don’t because I think it’s not fair to leave the 10 year old ‘in charge’ of the 8 year old. I have left my 10 year old alone for short periods though because I think he’s sensible enough but also because we have alot of good neighbours he could go to if he needed to. I’m not judging though – you asked for opinions and that’s mine for what it’s worth.

32. Marinka Said,

    January 21, 2010 @ 8:09 pm

    Ha! I’m so not falling into the whole judging you thing. Every parent has a different comfort level. Personally, I think that leaving a 5 year old alone for an hour-AN HOUR! is pure neglect. What bothers me almost as much, though, is her explanation is that she asked him to come with her and he said that he didn’t want to? WTF? I mean, really. Here’s a list of things that my 8 year old doesn’t want to do: set the table, go to school on most Mondays because the weekend is too short, practice the piano and help me with the laundry. The good news for him is that it’s not negotiable.

    But maybe I’m just bitter that Mrs. Kournikova has a superstar tennis daughter and still looks younger than I do.

    One of the parenting puzzles that I am struggling with right now is this complete fallacy that we can keep our children safe by our presence.
    Only you know if your decision was the right one, and I have no doubt that it will change over time.
    Marinka´s last blog ..Other Things Admitted by John Edwards

33. Catherine Said,

    January 21, 2010 @ 8:11 pm

    Right now I am sitting in my bedroom, contemplating homework, in the 2nd story of my house. My children are in the basement playing. Are they alone? I cannot hear every sound they make. I am not there to resolve every difference.

    I sometimes leave my kids in the house when I go to get the mail (which sounds about as far as your daycare).

    I sometimes go outside and shovel snow for what feels like ever. My kids are warm inside. Are they alone?

    My children do not need my constant, direct supervision every second of their wakeful life. So, sometimes I have to leave them alone.

34. Jen_Ann_W Said,

    January 21, 2010 @ 8:25 pm

    There is a distinct lack of flamers today! Awesome! I don’t have children but I still agree that leaving Emilia home was a rational decision. As someone else pointed out, you THOUGHT about it, whereas so many people just don’t think at all.
    You’re so hard on yourself!
    Jen_Ann_W´s last blog ..Last week’s @dailyshoot

35. patois Said,

    January 21, 2010 @ 8:44 pm

    You get to decide what’s reasonable for your kids. I get to decide what’s reasonable for mine. As for mine? A kindergartener alone while I’m outside or talking to the neighbor for a few minutes or running to the Quik-e-mart for milk for all of 8 minutes roundtrip? Depends which one of mine we’re talking about. The older two? They were just fine. The youngest? Only if I wanted to see the place set on fire.
    patois´s last blog ..You’ve Been Starring in My Dreams

    

    Elizabeth (@claritychaos) Reply:
    January 21st, 2010 at 10:19 pm

    Ha! This is exactly what I’ve been thinking as I read through the comments. My oldest is 6 and is the most compliant, responsible kid around. He’d be fine. But the 3.5 year old? I won’t be leaving this kid along when he’s 16!

    Yeah, point being – depends on the kid, depends on the circumstance, depends on who is around to call the cops on you.
    Elizabeth (@claritychaos)´s last blog ..Cold blasts and heavy rocks

    

    Her Bad Mother Reply:
    January 22nd, 2010 at 2:34 pm

    Jasper will never be left alone, ever, not until he’s TWENTY, for that very reason.

36. Heather Said,

    January 21, 2010 @ 8:58 pm

    Since my daughter was 3 I’ve been saying she would be one of those kids that would surely survive if something happened to me in our home. She’s now 6 and in kindergarten. I haven’t left her home alone while I’ve driven away to do errands, but I do let her roam free in the neighborhood.

    I’m also not the type of parent to pull my kids out of the car when I go to the kiosk to pay for gas that I’ve just pumped as long as my car is within my sight, or when I go to a non-drive-through ATM, or to drop mail in a drop box. I haven’t yet left them in the car while I go in a store, but I have when I’ve had to run back to the house because I’ve forgotten something. I blogged about that months ago for a local website and got publicly flogged for not unbuckling them both, carrying my 35 lbs. son back to the house with me for the 30 second roundtrip.

    Part of parenting is making the best decisions for our children that we can. We weigh the risks on either side of the equation, determining which – for us, our children and this particular situation – is the lesser of two evils. And then we live with our choices.

37. Major Bedhead Said,

    January 21, 2010 @ 9:08 pm

    I wouldn’t leave Boo alone for any amount of time. In the time it takes me to pee or do a load of laundry she has cut off half her sister’s hair, drawn on the bathroom walls with Sharpies and dumped flour all over the kitchen. So no, but only for my own fragile sanity. If she weren’t so hell bent on destroying the universe, I wouldn’t have a problem with it at all.
    Major Bedhead´s last blog ..Why You Shouldn’t Clean While Naked

    

    Her Bad Mother Reply:
    January 22nd, 2010 at 2:35 pm

    As I’ve said a few times now: that would be Jasper. He will never be left alone. NEVER. Not until he leaves home, and even then.

    He is why I only shower on daycare days.

38. Linda Said,

    January 21, 2010 @ 9:24 pm

    My children were born in the eighties, the same time Adam Walsh’s son was kidnapped. My friends were aghast as we witnessed first hand the end of the innocence. Bucking the tide we took risks with our kids, calculated risks all the time. When yours are older I’ll share the story of my kids getting a ride home from the DARE officer because it was snowing and they were expected to walk (horrors) one block and they were in 6th and 8th grade!! Oy, I feel your pain.
    Linda

39. Mandi Bone Said,

    January 21, 2010 @ 10:15 pm

    I had a “friend” say she could not let her daughter play with mine because I put my daughter in danger. The danger to her was that I let her play outside with the door open while I was 20 ft away in the kitchen.We live in a very rural area with our only neighbor is my mother in law.I have been thinking about leaving my 2 kids in the car when I run in for coffee. But I have not felt comfortable with it yet. My daughters are 5 and 2 and are very good girls (most days)I am just afraid someone would turn me in to CPS.

40. Emma Said,

    January 21, 2010 @ 10:35 pm

    Sounds like you made an informed decision, weighing and balancing the risks to all of you. Sounds good to me.

41. Beth Said,

    January 21, 2010 @ 11:07 pm

    I have walked out to get the mail. I have worked in my garden while my kids were napping or watching a show. I’ve also been locked out of my house by my then 2 year old son when I walked out to see what we needed before we went on a walk (raincoats, jackets, tank tops — it’s Florida, any of those could happen). He did manage to let me back in, for which I’m sure the dogs were eternally grateful.

    My son, now four, plays in the backyard by himself a lot. I can see everything he’s doing (we have sliding glass doors all along the back of the house). Some folks can’t believe I let him, but I figure I can see him. He wants to be outside, and he’s okay.

    At five, in the conditions you describe, I would have done exactly the same thing.
    Beth´s last blog ..GTT: Pet Peeves

42. carrien (she laughs at the days) Said,

    January 21, 2010 @ 11:10 pm

    When my oldest was a baby we lived in a small apartment building. When we first moved in I took him everywhere with me in the backpack. I waited until he was awake to carry a load of laundry down the single flight of stairs to the laundry room so I didn’t leave him alone.

    Eventually I realized how ridiculous I was being. I did laundry while he was napping, duh! I ran down to the dollar store at the front of the building to grab a quick item. I would take the baby monitor to our neighbor across the hall, and my keys, so she could listen for him to wake up while I ran up the street to the post office. He never did wake.

    Once, when it was very late and my husband was not yet home, I even ran across the street to Subway. All of this was within 50m of him, at all times. Eventually, we would head to the neighbors apartment for dinner, monitor in hand, while he slept. Once we forgot to take it home with us after too, and left it on. Embarrassing.

    My in-laws have a 2 1/2 acre property with a house that has more square footage than the entire area I roamed from my apartment while my child was sleeping. Yet, I am guessing that leaving my child to sleep while far away on those two acres I would be far less likely to be considered neglectful than running cross the street from my apartment building. I wonder why that is.

    Ironically I was once accused of neglect and had CPS arrive at my door, while I was home, door open, ear cocked for my then 4 and 6 yo who were playing less than 20 yards away. Apparently, Someone thought I shouldn’t let them play outside “unsupervised” in an enclosed child oriented play area. Also I was neglectful for not making them wear shoes in the CALIFORNIA WINTER! oh the humanity. (They were born in Canada.) Needless to say, the charges were dropped. But it has taught me that we parent in a goldfish bowl of public opinion, and that, while it isn’t right, we do make parenting decisions based on what other people will think of them because the thought of enduring the humiliation of having those choices scrutinized too closely, and or losing our children, is intimidating.

    ps. My children still play outside, in the same place, “unsupervised” and barefoot.
    carrien (she laughs at the days)´s last blog ..My kid’s dentist wants to know this. Maybe you do too.

43. Kayt Said,

    January 21, 2010 @ 11:12 pm

    I’ve left my one year old playing in his room alone while I’m doing things downstairs, listening to him on the monitor. When I was four, my mom left me to entertain myself while she was in the shower. I found a pair of scissors and ran around the house hacking my hair off. It’s one of my earliest, vaguest (most vague?) memories. Then, when I was five, my mom left me home alone to go pick up dinner. She was gone less than ten minutes. During that time, I managed to yank out a barely loose baby tooth and bleed everywhere. Neither bothered me as much as it bothered my mother. I think it’s not the end of the world, but you have to know your child and know how much trouble they’re capable of causing. I was a bit of a hell-raiser. So far, my son’s showing all the same signs of being the same. I’m not worried, I’m just ready to make mistakes.

44. a Said,

    January 21, 2010 @ 11:18 pm

    Wait, I’m not supposed to leave my daughter sitting in the car (in the garage, with no keys in the car) while I run back in the house for the 17 things I couldn’t carry or forgot? I guess that means I shouldn’t leave her sleeping in her carseat when she falls asleep in the car. And that also means I’m going to have to hire someone to mow my lawn too.

    Apparently, my mom would leave us alone at home while she would walk the one block to the corner store to pick up milk or whatever else she needed.

    I don’t see it as a problem to briefly leave your child, until someone else in the general public sees it and decides that it’s a problem for them. Then they decide to make it a problem for you too. It’s great that other people are aware and watching out for your children, but common sense please!
    a´s last blog ..Show and Tell – Farm Life

45. Beth Said,

    January 21, 2010 @ 11:18 pm

    I don’t have kids of my own, but I can still understand the situation. I don’t think you’re neglecting. My mom used to leave me home alone at 7 with two babies in diapers to run out for milk. She was gone no longer than 20-30 minutes and the alarm was always set. I turned out just fine. *twitch* twitch*
    Beth´s last blog ..Roller Coaster of Blog

46. sweatpantsmom Said,

    January 21, 2010 @ 11:22 pm

    A few minutes within walking distance, in my opinion, seems totally fine and reasonable. Getting in your car and driving away for almost an hour and leaving your 5-year-old home alone is just plain cuckoo.

    Also, as many have said here, at what age you leave your older kids home alone depends on the individual child. Mine are 11 and 13 and it was only maybe 6 months ago that I was comfortable enough to leave them for an hour while I ran to the grocery store — my 11yo was ‘Go!’ while my 13yo tends to think axe murderers are hiding out in our bushes. (Recently left them home alone, with two of their friends, AT NIGHT to go to a party for a few hours and that was nerve-wracking. Even if one of the friends was 15.)

    Also (because this comment just isn’t long enough) I’ve never felt comfortable leaving them in the car because I’m just so paranoid of carjackers.
    sweatpantsmom´s last blog ..‘Got Milk’ Party at the W Hotel: If living like a rich person is wrong I don’t want to be right

47. ClumberKim Said,

    January 21, 2010 @ 11:29 pm

    I love finding I’m not alone. When my daughter was a baby she had an incredible knack for starting a nap within 15 minutes of when I needed to pick up my son at school. She was a champion napper. There was no good way around it. My son’s school was exactly a mile from our home. A neighbor was always reachable by phone, should I be delayed. It should not have turned me upside down like it did. I wrestled with this for weeks before finally leaving her soundly sleeping one day. That first time was awful and I was a wreck, but she was fine and I was gone less than 20 minutes. Over the course of the next few months I did when I needed to (not more than a dozen times in total), and became less of a wreck but I was never “comfortable”. Eventually, her sleep pattern changed and we didn’t have the conflict.

    I am not entirely certain that what bothered me was really the safety issue, or just being “discovered”.

48. crazyassmomma Said,

    January 21, 2010 @ 11:47 pm

    i dont think you made a bad decision at all. if my children had to be up my ass all the time id go crazy. i would never leave them alone for an hour! thats crazy, but for that quick walk to get jasper & go back… no biggie. hell, tomorrow morning i have to drag my uuuber sick 4 year old out of the house so that i can drive my 10 year old to school. cuz its not in walking distance. and right now, i reeeeeallllyyyy wish it was.

    and btw — theres something on my blog for you if you have a moment & are interested
    crazyassmomma´s last blog ..what makes me happy?!?!?!?!?!

49. Tara Said,

    January 22, 2010 @ 12:31 am

    Oh good Lord does this hit home!

    Just last night, with my husband out of town & my (almost) 4 year old deep asleep for the night, my dog sat at the door & whined to go out. We live in an apartment building.

    My choice was to wake up a sleeping child at 11pm, drag him into the rain or to let the dog do his biz in the house (yuck). I called my husband & mom to confer.

    Our decision was a very 21st century solution. I set up the laptop, w/ the husband on skype, next to the bed. Cell phone in hand, I went the 5 stories down (a very secure bldg). Of course I was outside about 30 seconds before the husband called to say his internet connection died!

    All is well, but the guilt, it plagued me all day! Thank you all for your own admissions. It doesn’t make me any more likely to do this again, but it does let me let myself off the hook for this!

50. Cristin Said,

    January 22, 2010 @ 1:32 am

    I don’t blame you one bit. Perfectly reasonable.
    I don’t know what the hell that Kournikova lady was thinking but you have nothing to fear, in my opinion.
    Did you hear about that mom on Dr. Phil who was arrested for walking 30 feet away while her daughter was in the car? It’s insane.
    http://drphil.com/shows/show/1123
    What happened to common sense?
    Cristin´s last blog ..Doxycycline Doldrums

51. Shannon Said,

    January 22, 2010 @ 2:23 am

    I wasn’t going to comment, not being anywhere close to a parent, then I saw this: http://www.denverpost.com/news/ci_14239548

    That? That would definitely be neglect. Ten minutes? Meh. That said, I am kind of scared about this very situation when I have kids, just because I couldn’t even leave the kids I was babysitting for long enough to pee, so I would wait until they went to bed. Hopefully I will be more willing to peel my eyes from my charges when they are my own. Otherwise, I may have some serious bladder issues

52. Ginger Said,

    January 22, 2010 @ 3:49 am

    ??? I am really supposed to bring two kids with me back into my house to carry out the stuff? Or leave them in the house unsupervised while I carry out the stuff? In the car the 3 year old and 1 year old are attached to the vehicle with straps, so isn’t that better? Paying for gas foxed me with my first child. I know idling is bad for the air we all breathe, and I should turn off the engine to pump gas, and I won’t leave a child in a closed up car in the summer, and sometimes you can’t pay at the pump even if you want to. I think I am just over that one. And at the grocery store, I pull up in the minivan but the kid friendly carts are all stored inside so I leave the kids to get the cart, and leave them again to return it. My confidence built up and twice I have left them in the car while I ran in to the pharmacy on what I expected to be a very quick errand. I feel better doing it at night so perhaps no one will see the kids and call me in. Now, having read these comments, my fear level is notching back up. Yikes!
    Ginger´s last blog ..A box of chocolates

53. Debs Said,

    January 22, 2010 @ 5:04 am

    I never do, but i I had to this time. There was nothing wrong in this. To me it entirely rests on the child. I would and have walked out to the mail, the neighbors to grab something, to the end of the block to get a child of the bus. But I would only do that with my first and third. The second and fourth would have wrecked the joint in under 10 seconds. I think that people are spending too much time worrying about what the other person is doing and not enough worrying about what they themselves are. Your child, your decision. A few minutes if you feel the child can cope shouldn’t be an issue. I’m not talking anymore than that, just to clarify. But thats just my opinion.
    Debs´s last blog ..The new year

54. Marylin Said,

    January 22, 2010 @ 5:14 am

    I’ve done that before. Where I used to live, the shop on the corner was about a minute’s walk away. It was faster for me to put Max in his cot for a snooze and lock the door for 5 minutes while Zack played and/or watched tv than get them both dressed, max in the buggy (which didnt fit through the tiny door of the shop) and take us all along there.
    My neighbours all did the same. We would keep an eye on each others kids if they were out playing. It’s just the way it was there.
    Unfortunately where I live now everywhere’s further away, so I’d rather not run the chance of them getting up to no good without me being there!
    Marylin´s last blog ..Scary day

55. Playground Confidential » How Far is Too Far? Said,

    January 22, 2010 @ 6:02 am

    [...] post was inspired by Her Bad Mother’s admission to having left her sick four year old alone for a few minutes. (Which was, in turn, prompted by [...]

56. Judy Said,

    January 22, 2010 @ 7:11 am

    I don’t think it’s any big deal. Other than the danger of Emilia deciding to totally remodel the house while you were gone, it’s no big deal. If you took out the trash, you’d be gone as long.

    It almost scares me to think of it now…but many years ago (the older child in this scenario is approaching 50 now) I used to leave my 8 year old in charge of her 6 1/2 year old sister and infant brother while I ran to the store. Things were fine. Looking back, it would have been very easy for them not to be, but they were fine. I was gone 10 minutes at most. Infant sleeping. Girls playing Barbies on the kitchen floor.

    I think the fear of getting DCAF or whatever the agency is called in your area brought down on you is making all of us hyper-parents. It was easier in the 70’s.

57. Angie@The Crew Said,

    January 22, 2010 @ 7:36 am

    My thoughts. Your daughter didn’t have to walk in the weather while she was sick and she wasn’t at the daycare to possible be contagious to someone else(goodness knows other parents would have something to say about that too). You didn’t come home to find her curled in the fetal position and crying from neglect. You found her resting as you left her.
    Angie@The Crew´s last blog ..Having a blast with my point and shoot

58. Ali Said,

    January 22, 2010 @ 9:42 am

    My kid once escaped from his grandad’s front garden and went to the park next door by himself to play on the slide while we were drinking tea. He was somewhere between 18 months and two. Oops. He’s 4.5 now and he sits in the car outside while I take in shopping, unpack perishables, go to the bathroom and run back outside to go somewhere else. I leave it unlocked too, how bad am I?

    I never leave him playing while I shower — I always take a bath because I can’t hear him when I’m in the shower and he’s likely to get upto mischief. If he was asleep would I run to the shop… probably not. I’m a single mum and if anything happened I’d be hung, drawn and quartered. Because all single mothers are neglectful.

    I also drop him off at school at 8.45 and leave him in the playground with his friends until he goes in at 8.55.

    Leaving a five year old for an hour? Bit much. Leaving your twin two-year-olds and a four-year-old while you go out for dinner and drinks with friends while your on holiday a la the McCanns? Bit much.

59. alex Said,

    January 22, 2010 @ 10:20 am

    I have a friend who drove up to the front of a coffee shop, where there was literally a 3 foot sidewalk between the front of the car and the interior of the small shop, left her two children buckled into their carseats in the backseat (windows down), and got herself an iced coffee. The door to the shop was open the entire time and at maximum she was 10 feet away from the children at all times.

    Later that afternoon while her children were napping, there was a knock at her front door. It was Child Protective Services. Someone had taken down her license plate and called it in to the authorities. CPS had to look in the refrigerator to make sure there was food, check on the children sleeping in their rooms, and open a full case. The mother’s day out where the children attended school was contacted, as was the children’s doctor.

    The parents were a pediatrician and a teacher in a small VERY educated and affluent area.

    Humiliating.

    I am always looking out for small children- they are in many ways, defenseless. But I also wish that the person who reported my friend had THOUGHT about what they were doing. CPS was called out on a citizen who was likely not neglecting her children- just trying to get a coffee. There are many many children in that area (Detroit) who need serious help. Instead of wasting valuable resources (and we all know CPS case workers are totally overworked) why couldn’t that person have just watched the kids for a second to make sure they were safe?

    Help a sister get some coffee!

60. Loukia Said,

    January 22, 2010 @ 10:53 am

    I am a ‘hover mother’ most of the time. I usually never let my children out of my sight. Ever. Of course, they’re only 4 and 2 years old. I have been in the kitchen, and have left them upstairs in their rooms before for a few minutes, that’s as far as I’ll go. Or brining the garbage out while they’re inside. Once, when my baby was very young, I left him in his exercauser (sp?) and went outside for a cigarette. (I know, horrible). I could see him perfectly from the window outside. He was having fun, playing, etc. I turned around to um, ash my cigarette and have a sip of my coffee, and when I turned back around, HE WAS GONE. The exercauser was empty. Clearly, I freaked the F out, ran inside, spilling my drink, yelling DIMITRY? DIMITRY? I thought he flipped right out… but no baby is sight… panic… a few seconds later (even though it felt like long agonizing minutes) my husband appears, baby in his arms. I know you might think he is totally cruel for doing that, and at the time I hated him for doing that, but he did it to show me that I was sort of stupid for leaving the baby inside the house… as the front door was unlocked. I felt terrible, but still, I think he was kind of in the wrong, right?
    Loukia´s last blog ..Say Cheese! A giveaway for photo-happy moms!

61. slouchy Said,

    January 22, 2010 @ 10:57 am

    I’ve done the same, under very similar circumstances. Frankly, anyone (with two kids or more) who denies having done so is a bit suspect, IMO.

    People who judge this either don’t have children or never had to take care of them.

62. sam {temptingmama} Said,

    January 22, 2010 @ 10:59 am

    Anything that takes me out of earshot, I’m not comfortable with. I can shower, grab the bins from the roadside, shovel the driveway (checking in for screaming) and be okay. But I can’t leave that imaginary line of where my property ends. Skeeves me out.

    There were plenty of times when I was single-parenting, the kids would be in bed, and I’d want to run to the Mac’s less than 5 minutes walking distance and wouldn’t. Couldn’t. I just can’t get past the *what if*. Hyper parenting… maybe.
    sam {temptingmama}´s last blog ..Run Down

63. sam {temptingmama} Said,

    January 22, 2010 @ 11:01 am

    *passed. Ugh.

    And! I am not being a judgey mc judgerson. Just my personal comfort level is all.

    
    sam {temptingmama}´s last blog ..Run Down

64. Ally Said,

    January 22, 2010 @ 11:01 am

    As parents, I think we need to stop judging each other. How we approach parenting may differ, but that doesn’t make either of us wrong. I also think we need to stop worrying about what other parents think and start trusting ourselves more. You know your child and what they are capable of handling. That being said, if a child is truly in danger, we should call the authorities. But, let’s be clear on what the terms neglect, abuse or in danger mean before we start calling each other out or running to the authorities. It’s not running to a neighbors for a cup or sugar while your child is engrossed in a TV show or gardening while the baby is asleep does or even leaving your child in a locked car for 30 seconds in plain view while you get money at an ATM. Although, leave the AC running or crack a window if it’s a warm day.
    Ally´s last blog ..AllyinVA: RT @vodkamom: "The human race has only one really effective weapon, and that is laughter." x.

65. Karen Sugarpants Said,

    January 22, 2010 @ 11:07 am

    I’ve done it. Thomas was home sick, in bed, sleeping. It was POURING outside and I went to get Dylan from the bus stop to spare him the soggy walk home. Was gone 3 minutes. The little guy didn’t even wake up. If he had, I would have been back in time to comfort him. Plus he knows my cell phone #.
    Like you, I questioned it a million times too though. Look at me justifying the crap out of it here! Parenting isn’t easy on the brain.
    I like what Ally said before me – we do need to stop judging each other. Totally.

66. Julie @ The Mom Slant Said,

    January 22, 2010 @ 11:13 am

    You made the decision with Emilia’s interests foremost in your mind. I think that counts for a great deal.

    However, I make many decisions myself that other parents would judge (and have judged) negatively. I’m probably not your most bullet-proof advocate.
    Julie @ The Mom Slant´s last blog ..Not yet gifted (for the present)

67. Sarah Said,

    January 22, 2010 @ 11:14 am

    When my son was 5 and my daughter was 7, they were home alone every afternoon for about 45 minutes. That was the time between their bus dropping them off and me getting home from work. We lived in a rural area and they came home, went inside, locked the door, and called my cell to tell me they were home. On the days when my daughter had Girl Scouts, my son went to aftercare, but I could not afford the $400 per month it would have cost to put them both in aftercare every day. Don’t get me wrong, if there had been any way to afford it, I would have. If I had a neighbor to watch them, or friend available to pick them up, that is what I would have done. But I didn’t, and you know, they were OK. Maybe I was just lucky, but there it is. So you get no judgment from me. Most of us are just doing the best we can with what we have. My kids are in high school now and my daughter gets herself across town on public transportation every day. I hope that the self reliance they have been taught will serve them well when they leave home.

    

    Peggy Reply:
    January 22nd, 2010 at 2:31 pm

    I work at a college where many kids have trouble now doing just that… since they were never allowed any independence. Trusting our kids to trust themselves is one of the best gifts we can give as parents I think. Well said Sarah!
    Peggy´s last blog ..Some new art…

68. momtrolfreak Said,

    January 22, 2010 @ 11:38 am

    Okay, so, I totally RAKED my husband over the coals for leaving our sleeping son in the house when he went across the street to buy a pack of cigarettes (he no longer smokes, and has never smoked in the house or around the child, but at that moment he was having a ottal nic fit. Which was his excuse. Which is my opinion is NOT the same thing as the urgency of picking Child #1 up from school with child #2 sick at home). Also, my son frequently wakes up ten minutes or so after being put to bed, for water or potty or whatever. So, what if he woke up and there was no one in the house? He’d be scared. SO i yelled at my husband. However, that doesn’t mean I judge you. Your circumstances were more dire. And you’re the mom, and i have a total double standard in that regard. i.e., I tell my husband he STILL, with the 3YO, may not leave the room when said 3YO is in the bathtub. However, unbeknowst to him, i do that all the time–laundry, ringing phoen, etc. I can hear him spalshing in there, he’s fine. But I fear that my husband feeling like THAT inch was ok, would mean he’d take a mile and, like, go across the street for something with the kid in the bathtub. Like cigarettes. And get hit by a car and before you know it it’s 3 hours with a pruney kid alone in the bathtub, or getting out on his own and slipping and falling. And here I am having drinks with my girlfriends at a bar, without knowing i have a run-over husband and a drowned or bleeding-out kid. So it’s really best for my sanity if my husband is not allowed to have any leeway on, like, anything. So I momtrol the hell out of him. However, in YOUR situation, I would totally have done the same.
    momtrolfreak´s last blog ..I’m a Better Mother Than You, Because My Choices Rock and Yours Suck, and By the Way, I’m Prettier Than You Too

69. kelly Said,

    January 22, 2010 @ 11:48 am

    I really like what you’ve laid out here regarding choices. Never make a parenting choice you can’t in good conscious defend. If you’re not willing to talk about your choice, it was the wrong one. I like that.

    I think what you did was fine. It really does depend on the kid, the age, the situation. Yours? All good.

70. Velma Said,

    January 22, 2010 @ 11:57 am

    This is a timely discussion for me, as I have quite recently taken to leaving my kids at home alone for varying amounts of time. My daughter is a rule-follower. My son is impulsive. This is one of those areas where one size does not fit all, and you just have to tailor your parenting behavior to the individual child.

    Mornings are cold and his sister has to be at the bus stop a full hour before he does, so I’ve taken to letting my 7-year old son sleep in and lightly rousing him before I take her down the street. I tell him he can stay in bed and I’ll be back in 15 minutes, and he is inevitably still asleep when I return. Would I be comfortable leaving him for that time if I didn’t know he would be zonked out? I’m not so sure.

    For my conscientious almost-10 year old, last week was the first time I drove away and left her truly alone for more than 20 minutes or so. She had lots of homework to do and her brother had a 30 minute music lesson 15 minutes away, so I let her stay home by herself.

    It was scary for me to drive away like that, scary to be gone for over an hour, and – as it turned out – scary for her to be home alone as it got dark outside. There were tears when I got home, but also a sense of independence at having tried something that was an emotional challenge for her. For now, we’ve agreed that we are all comfortable with her staying home alone in the daytime for an hour or two.
    Velma´s last blog ..Throw It at the Wall and See if It Sticks.

71. kayak woman Said,

    January 22, 2010 @ 12:09 pm

    I like what Alex had to say. I live in the greater Detroit area and I know a young mother who was arrested in a very similar situation. Much later, after she spent a lot of money on lawyers and whatever, the cop who arrested her actually apologized to her, saying that if he’d had any idea of how much trouble this would cause her, he would have let it go.

    There are indeed many, many children in the Detroit area whose most basic needs are not being met and yet we are spending precious resources harassing parents who walk 10 feet to pick up a cup of coffee.

    My children are in their 20s and I left them alone for very short periods in many of the situations described by your other commenters. In fact, when my children were small, there was no such thing as pay-at-the-pump gasoline in my area that I know of. It seems more dangerous to me to walk across a gas station parking lot with two small children than to lock them safely in your car where they are within your sight for two minutes.

    I also think Slouchy has a good point that anyone who denies ever leaving their kids alone for a couple minutes is probably lying or whatever.

    Great post.

72. Mr Lady Said,

    January 22, 2010 @ 12:22 pm

    Oh, dude, I leave my kids home alone all the time! They’re older, yes, but they weren’t always. When 1of3 was, like, 6, he really wanted the alone time and psuedo-responsibility, so I’d leave him with a snack and a cartoon while I went to get gas or milk or something.

    Baby steps, you know?

    I think it’s massively important that they learn self-sufficiency, and how are they going to learn it if they are never left to be self-sufficient? I’m not saying I advocate leaving them to go out for long periods of time when they’re little, but you get what you give and if you give them elbow room and a vote of confidence, they give you confident elbow room.

    I think I’d have smacked you in the head if you HAD’T left her.
    Mr Lady´s last blog ..This Will Go Down On Your Permanent Record

73. Helen Said,

    January 22, 2010 @ 12:27 pm

    It is sad that we now have to worry more about what other people think than what we think is best for our families. When I was 5 and my brother 8, we regularly came home from school to an empty house while my parents were at work. Good grief, imagine if someone did that now!

    Years ago I left my 3-year old in the house while I went down the block to meet my son’s school bus, which ended up being late (I could see the house…almost). One of the other moms there asked where my daughter was and I told her she was home watching Harry Potter. She then berated me about the evilness of Harry Potter, how her son didn’t even WANT to watch it (right) and how inappropriate it was for anyone. I guess leaving my 3 year old alone was acceptable. That was my welcome to the south.

74. Kat Said,

    January 22, 2010 @ 1:34 pm

    I’m so glad to hear other people “confessing” to the things I have done with my son. I don’t think that there is anything at all wrong with leaving my 3 year old in the house while I take the trash out. I usually wait until he is in bed asleep, just in case, but the time it takes me to get the trash to the dumpster is less time than I am in the shower in the mornings. I’m more nervous about what he will get into then! And as far as leaving him in the car, the only time I ever do that is occasionally while I’m running into the post office (I usually go during my lunch break) but I bought a key ring where the remote to lock my car pops right off so I leave him buckled in his seatbelt (which he can’t get out of himself), car on so he doesn’t get over heated or too cold and the emergency brake on. It takes me 30 seconds to check the mail & I park where I can see him but I still worry. Luckily I live in a very small, laid back town so I haven’t caught any flack for this.

75. Kat Said,

    January 22, 2010 @ 1:35 pm

    *and I lock the car with the remote while I run in.
    Kat´s last blog ..room for improvement

76. Heather Said,

    January 22, 2010 @ 1:45 pm

    I’d like to say that I’m comfortable with the idea of leaving kids alone for a few minutes here and there. However, I’m cripplingly morose. I’m just sure something horrible is going to happen if kids are left alone for even a split second. I can barely stand to let my sister’s kids play in the next room while I’m babysitting. Maybe it’s best I don’t have kids of my own….

77. Peggy Said,

    January 22, 2010 @ 2:22 pm

    Bravo, I would have done the same thing with my little guy who is in kindergarten. I know he is ok, I used to mow the lawn and work out in the garden when he was little, sometimes with a moniter and sometimes within earshot, but if he did wake up he was almost always happily playing in the safe space. I too would never drive anywhere, but to go get the mail, hang laundry etc? I think it is good for them to have a bit of time on their own if they can handle it.

78. Val Said,

    January 22, 2010 @ 5:34 pm

    Not only do I think it is okay to leave children of varying ages alone (as you feel comfortable) – I think it is necessary. For that child to learn that the house is not a scary and evil place when they are alone. For that child to learn that his/her parents trust him/her. For that child to learn to make their own decisions in very small ways – and larger ways as they grow up. When I was in elementary school, I walked home. I ran around the neighborhood with my friends. We tend to think about all the evils out there in the world, but truthfully, if your kids are injured, it will most likely be in the car with you driving, or by falling down the stairs when you happen to be in the next room (as I did at ten). Of course, lock your door if you ever go out of view of the house. And don’t leave a pot of boiling water on the stove. Don’t ask for trouble. But, also, don’t expect to find trouble around every corner!

79. FrenchCecily Said,

    January 22, 2010 @ 5:50 pm

    My brother first ran away from home (rather escaped from the fenced-in yard) with the dog as soon as he learned to walk. He was nine months old. There were 3 older children at home (5, 7 and 9), as well as my grandmother when this happened.

    And, when one considers that in many parts of the world, four and five-year olds are routinely responsible for such tasks as:

    -taking care of their younger siblings
    - taking care of the family’s herd of goats, sheep, etc. (in Africa),which includes spending the night out in the bush “armed” with a stick to fight off predators, etc., very occasionally leaving your child alone for a few minutes because you can’t manage otherwise, is not so bad. And we’ve all done it for various reasons.

80. Swiggy Said,

    January 22, 2010 @ 7:30 pm

    I’ve left one of my kids alone, a few times.

    The first time:

    We used to live in a VERY small village in northern Vermont. Our house was 30 feet from the general store. My son couldn’t have been more than 2 months old, if that. I had been home alone all day, everyday. I was even working remotely for my employer at the time. I was hungry, and there was no food in the house. The baby was strapped in his swing, asleep.

    I went out to the general store and grabbed a sandwich from the deli and was back in less than 5 minutes. I was nervous the whole time. When I got back to the house, the baby was still asleep in his swing.

    No harm done.

    Hubby found out and asked me to never do that again (how this was any different from me just going out into the garden for a little sun, is beyond me). His reasoning was if I had gotten hurt or something while I was out, the baby would be in the house all by himself until someone was either told about the kid or Hubby came home.

    So I never did it again.

    The next few times:

    About a year later we became very good friends with our neighbors. Every now and then we would have them over for take out and games after the kid went to bed for the night. After a while, the neighbors started asking if we would go to their house for a change. Hubby and I decided that we could do that. But we didn’t know anyone who would sit for us.

    Instead of bringing the kid with us and having him sleep there (wouldn’t have happened), we decided we would leave the kid sleeping in his crib, with our dog in the house, and the front door locked. The monitor was able to pick up the noise from the kid’s room in our neighbors house, so we brought that with us.

    The kid never knew we were gone.

    We were comfortable with this because we were right next door. We could hear if he woke up. We would hear if anyone came into the house because the dog would be going crazy. We did this quite a few times until we moved and weren’t able to do it anymore.

    So, as you can see, you won’t get any judgment from me. I think you did what was right for you.

81. Todd '@tojosan' Jordan Said,

    January 22, 2010 @ 8:25 pm

    Late to comment but you’re not bad or neglectful. You’d have been longer in the shower and no one would have thought twice. House locked. Kid in bed. If they were going to run off, they’d do it just as much with you in the bathroom vs next door.

    Thanks for making folks think.
    Todd ‘@tojosan’ Jordan´s last blog ..The Face That Launched A Series

82. Susan (woo222) Said,

    January 22, 2010 @ 8:26 pm

    I think that is completely sensible. My parents left me alone a LOT, for very long periods of time, and although I’m not certain if I would leave my kids alone for quite as long as I was left, I also don’t think there was anything wrong with my parents’ choice. You don’t have to apologize, if anything, I think it was compassionate and sensible to leave E rather than drag her out in the elements. ~Susan
    Susan (woo222)´s last blog ..Hippie Therapist FTW

83. Tanis Miller, RNM Said,

    January 22, 2010 @ 8:27 pm

    You know how I feel about government sanctioned judgement.

    ARGH.

    You know how big my yard is. The government says it’s not neglect if my kids are in the house and I am anywhere on my property.

    You could be to J’s daycare and back before I could ever walk to the back end of my property and home again.

    But the judgement, you know I fear it. I fear it well.
    Tanis Miller, RNM´s last blog ..Update

84. Jack Said,

    January 22, 2010 @ 8:40 pm

    People are quick to judge. When my son was about three he managed to lock himself the car.

    Mind you he did this in front of his mother. She had picked him up at preschool and walked back to the car with him.

    When they arrived she noticed that he had a not so fresh scent and walked around to the back of the car to get the diaper bag.

    In the time it took to walk from the passenger side to the back he managed to press a button and lock the car.

    It was about 90 that day and in short order a crowd of people had gathered around the car and were shrieking about him being in danger.

    Long story short a security guard had to break the window of the car to get him out. He was in there for less than 15 minutes. The whole time he was there he played with toys inside the car or made faces at his mother through the window.

    But we got all sorts of grief from people who thought that we had been negligent.
    Jack´s last blog ..What I Dream About

85. MsDarkstar Said,

    January 22, 2010 @ 8:52 pm

    Granted, I am “old” but starting in kindergarten (I had full-day kindergarten), I would walk home from school (2:30ish), let myself into the security door of the apt., let myself into our apt., lock the door behind me, change out of school clothes and then was alone until my parents got home 5:30-6:00.

    By the time I was in 2nd grade, we’d moved into a house and I came home and was alone for a couple of hours and was expected to have dinner started before my parents got home (they did the prep, so it was turning on the oven and putting something in it, usually).

    But…I guess that it’s fair to say that that was a different time. Still, I think you made the best decision given the set of circumstances.
    MsDarkstar´s last blog ..With a little help from the POSSLQ…

86. Donna Said,

    January 22, 2010 @ 9:53 pm

    Okay, here’s an odd situation. I leave my kids home alone sometimes. Just yesterday, I left my 10-year-old in charge of the 6-yr-old and the baby while I drove the 3-yr-old to pre-school. I was gone for 20 minutes. They were fine. But I live in a guarded, gated community in Beijing, China, where there is no fear of thieves or kidnappers. Really, I fear faulty electrical wiring most of all, so when I leave them, I lecture them on what to do if there’s a fire or a flood in the house while I’m gone. My 6-yr-old has been roaming the compound alone since the age of 3, and there are often hours when I don’t know exactly where he is. I love being able to give my kids this freedom! But – and here’s the odd part – in a few months we’re packing up and moving to Jordan, where the threat level is completely different. I’m already struggling with the fact that I’ll have to know where my kids are every minute of the day. I’m not sure how they’ll deal with the sudden restrictions I place on them, and I don’t want to have to discuss the bad guys in too much detail. Not sure how we’re gonna do it. We move every few years, though, and I change my parenting style accordingly.

    Every parent needs to make decisions based on her individual circumstances. You know your situation, and you know when you are taking an acceptable risk. You have to trust in that knowledge.

87. Jessalee Said,

    January 22, 2010 @ 10:55 pm

    I actually used to leave my daughter (4-year-old) napping or watching TV in the house while my nephew (3 years old) napped so I could run up less than a block but within viewing distance to grab my son from the bus. I worried about the watchful, nosy neighbor that tattled on everything I did to the landlord (like leave a ride-on toy of the kids on my front porch for six hours! GASP!). But I didn’t worry about the kids. I knew my daughter wouldn’t get into anything and wouldn’t do anything she wasn’t allowed to do. That’s the kind of kid she is. And fortunately so is my oldest. And if my nephew woke up she’d nag him and boss him around to death in the five minutes I was out of earshot that he wouldn’t have a chance to do anything wrong.

    When I was little I was a latchkey kid simply because my mom couldn’t afford daycare. She worked full time and my dad was deployed overseas. I was 7 and my brother was 5. We called the second we walked in the door, did our chores, never did anything we weren’t supposed to do. And we were perfectly fine and responsible! Plus, we would play outside in the neighborhood once my mom was home, and we were not within earshot. But we were always with our friends, so I guess it was safety in numbers.

    My sister, on the other hand, was born ten years after me. She wasn’t left alone hardly ever because she was so irresponsible and had a penchant for talking to strangers and failing to follow directions.

    Like it’s been said over and over again, it really depends on the kid and the circumstance.

    I’ve also left my kids in the car while I ran back in the house, but I always lock the door. I let my kids play outside as long as I can keep the front door open, and I send our dogs outside with them to run around the yard at the same time. They get a little TV time while I work in the next room with my headphones on (I’m a transcriptionist).

    They’re at an age where this is appropriate, and I never, ever feel that they are in danger in the circumstances they’re put in. It’s all about common sense!
    Jessalee´s last blog ..Dreams of what I want to do when I grow up

88. Alexicographer Said,

    January 22, 2010 @ 11:14 pm

    This is interesting reading, thanks for starting the conversation.

    I have a not-quite-3-year old human child, and a 20-something (old, arthritic) horse who lives in a large field on a large farm (not mine). When in recent days I’ve needed to go out to blanket the horse in foul weather, my son has ridden with me; when we get to the barn, I park the car in a spot where I will be able to see it from the field, explain to him what I’m doing, leave him (strapped in) in the car, and go deal with the horse. This is without question the safest option; there is nowhere on the farm my son would be safe without supervision and he would not be safe (e.g.) strapped on my back while I caught and blanketed a horse. Also? He does fine with it — it does not freak him out, though he did once get upset when, while I was gone, he dropped his pacifier.

    I can basically always (+/- 5 seconds) see him, but because of trees, sheds, hills, dales, he cannot always see me. Honestly? I think it has been a positive experience for him … something he does “independently” (”wait for mama,”), something that involves his learning that I leave and come back, and something about which we discuss his strategies for coping before I go (”You can watch mama, or watch the ducks if they are on the pond, or the flashing lights [over on the radio towers].”

    The horse could kick and flatten me, of course, preventing my returning to the car, but then again I could I suppose keel over of a heart attack while caring for my son at home (technically my son would be safer, if more miserable, in the former case than the latter.)

89. jenS Said,

    January 22, 2010 @ 11:40 pm

    No rock throwing from me. Today I had to go to the bank, not just the drive thru, but inside. I had to take all 3 of my kids, (4 and 2.5 yo twins) and I seriously considered leaving them locked in the minivan for 5 minutes. I think I could have bribed them all with a sucker and they would have been fine. In the end I took them (and their suckers) in with me. They were actually better than I expected! I was not concerned that they would freak out or be in any danger whatsoever, but more that someone would see them in the van and call the cops. That would be my luck! But they all can entertain themselves (to varying degrees) while I shower or do chores or work in my basement office for short periods of time. I think it’s certainly okay to expect my kids to be able to do that. And leaving them in the van for 5 minutes probably would have been fine, too.

90. Margot Magowan Said,

    January 23, 2010 @ 12:25 am

    I am often tempted to run brief errands when my 10 month old is sleeping. It’s one of my only breaks and she’s such a deep sleeper, But I don’t. I do pay my sitter more when I leave all 3 kids– but they’re all sleeping! What’s up with that?

91. Oneluckymommy Said,

    January 23, 2010 @ 12:41 am

    Interesting. After reading the article and about 1/3 of the comments I have the following reflections:

    1)I am uncomfortable leaving my 2.3 year old asleep at night upstairs where I can’t hear her. I can’t imagine leaving the house with her awake (among other things, she’d freak as soon as she couldn’t find me, and would’nt let me outside without her if she saw me leave). Now I’m all worried that I am too clingy and hovering…As an older mom who worked 3 yrs to get pregnant – this is it. I screw this one up (lose, kill, or break her) and I’m not going to be able to get another one (not that I could ever replace her wonderful uniqueness). I just really don’t want to take ANY chances.

    2) Where do you-all live that you have to go in and pay for gas? It would be a challenge to find a gas station in my state, much less my city that would make me pay inside.

    3) I’m really, really happy we have an extra parent – as much as we gripe about not being able to do things – there pretty much always is a parent available to my child.

    

    Ami Reply:
    January 24th, 2010 at 8:57 pm

    I agree with you. I don’t take chances either. But I don’t think that makes us too clingy or hovering. We are vigilant and cautious. And I think our children will be able to go to college by themselves without freaking out or being emotionally scarred.

92. Adoption of Jane Said,

    January 23, 2010 @ 7:05 am

    All my kids are spaced out…. ages 23, 18, 12, 2 1/2. So I have a false sense of security. I’ve left the baby with the 12 year old while I run to the corner to buy milk, little errands within 5 min. of my house, no longer than 15min. at a time. Usually when the kid is napping and I hate waking sleeping babies! But it does weigh heavy on my mind. I get real nervous in line, thinking what if he choked? What if there was an Earthquake? Would my 12 year old know what to do with a 2 1/2 year old? Would I even know what to do… I get sheer anxiety from it. I promise myself each time I will never do it again. Then I am out of Milk again.
    Adoption of Jane´s last blog ..Skinny Six Word Saturday

93. Sara Said,

    January 23, 2010 @ 11:22 am

    I completely agree with Bonnie. It’s not as much about the choice, the age of the child or the length of time. It’s about the thought process and the decision-making of the parent. It’s one thing to leave a young child at home for any amount of time to say, go to the store and buy cigarettes without giving it a second thought. It’s entirely another to carefully consider the risks vs. benefits of leaving a sick child at home to go pick up another or dragging the child out in the rain and cold.

    And what Leah said really hit home. I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve left my children alone in the car, house, etc. (And BTW, going to get the mail or doing yard work while a baby naps is NOT leaving them alone in my opinion.) Each time I was CONVINCED there’d be a police car waiting for me – even when I was at the ATM and I never left sight of the car!

    Is it not enough to constantly worry about whether or not we’re good (or good enough) mothers? It’s seems that not only are we supposed to practically kill ourselves to do it perfectly, but must also worry constantly that we might do something publicly to make someone think they have a right to intervene.

    And, of course, I am ALL for protecting the children that need it. Children with truly inadequate parents. Parents who are truly hurtful and have no regard for their child’s happiness or safety. But really. We’ve come to a point where GOOD, loving, decent parents doing their best they can are constantly looking over their shoulder.

94. kootnygirl Said,

    January 23, 2010 @ 12:47 pm

    I think we all accept the risks we are comfortable with.

    Back when I used to be on mama chat boards, I saw the full range parenting styles. The one thing that stuck with me, though, was that it wasn’t so much about what might happen to the children, and more about what might happen to ME while I was gone. What would happen if I got hit by a car on my way to the mailbox at the end of the street?

    I usually include that in my risk calculation, but I do lean toward the free-range end of the spectrum.
    kootnygirl´s last blog ..sometimes it’s hard to breathe

95. red pen mama Said,

    January 23, 2010 @ 2:07 pm

    My husband hates when I leave the children unattended DOWNSTAIRS. They are 3 and 5, and can entertain themselves for 5-10 minutes. But it drives him bonkers.

    Still, I have left them to their own devices (usually with the TV on) to shower and even to make love with my husband. (He doesn’t complain then.) I have run next door when they are asleep if I needed something from my in-laws. (If they are awake, I send one of them across the yard.) I haven’t let them roam the neighborhood on their own, although I have let them out in the yard (with me watching through a window) for short amounts of time. I am not a hovering parent; I’m just not. I wasn’t raised that way, either.

    I have no judgements to pass on anyone.
    red pen mama´s last blog ..Road to Recovery

96. Alicia Said,

    January 23, 2010 @ 7:45 pm

    I think it is so very dependent on the child, and there is no better person to determine the child’s readiness than her parent.

    We have four children. We occasionally leave our oldest alone (he’ll be nine in April), sometimes with his sister (5 1/2). We never leave him alone to do anything nonessential, and we never leave him for longer than an hour or two.

    I think we’re doing this earlier than most of the people I know with kids, though, and there are a couple reasons for this. First, we have four kids. Even if I wanted to be a helicopter parent (and I don’t), I couldn’t. And honestly, having four kids under nine makes this kind of parenting even less appealing. I realize how different my kids are from each other, and I want to give them space. Space to grow and develop into their own people, grounded in a family that loves them, but separate too.

    The other reason is my oldest son. He’s 8, and he’s one of the most responsible, safety-preoccupied people I’ve ever met. He’s a total rule follower and enforcer. I actually remarked this morning that our youngest (8 months, and a recent crawler) is apparently NOT the Kieran-style child who won’t even crawl NEAR the edge of the bed because he’s apprehensive about falling at 8 months, but the other-three-style child who would leap to their deaths at the first opportunity.

    This maternal expertise and intuition is not something you can explain to someone else, though. So I don’t.

    Of course something bad could happen, but those things can happen when I’m home. The sense of independence and maturity he feels when he stays by himself is of greater benefit than the risks of him – this particular wonderful child – staying alone.
    Alicia´s last blog ..Don’t You Forget About Me. And After This Photo, I Think You Won’t.

97. Debby Carroll Said,

    January 23, 2010 @ 9:16 pm

    If you never, ever leave your kid alone, even for a moment, how will they learn to live without you? And, more importantly, whatever will they tell their psychiatrist when they grow up and need to blame you for everything that ever went wrong in their lives? If you’re perfect, how can they go on?
    Seriously, I think judgment is queen here. In the backyard, Fine. Next door for sugar while your house is locked. Also fine. Running to the store for milk? Probably not a good idea. Like much of life, it’s all about balance. And, I suspect, for most parents, going with their gut instinct is likely the best choice. Unless you’re the Octomom. Her gut’s way off.
    Debby Carroll´s last blog ..Family Game Night is a Myth, like Unicorns

98. Laural Said,

    January 23, 2010 @ 10:05 pm

    This is a tough question. We live across the street from a grocery store, and I’m tempted to leave my 5 year old home and run over.
    I mentioned this once to my parents. My dad who is a principal told me I’d be crazy to.
    His reasoning – my son tells everyone everything – and a simple run to the grocery store could easily be exaggerated to “mommy leaves me home alone to go shopping” and CAS could easily become involved.
    Knowing my child as I do, I took that advice. (he has told his teacher what colour underwear I prefer – the child has no filter).
    He often doesn’t want to go, and I usually end up bribing him with some sort of sugary treat which I’m not sure is the best choice also.
    However, I don’t think the act of it is necessarily wrong. I think it’s very much the child.
    But, I’ll also admit I’m hesitant to leave my kids alone ever. I won’t lock them in the car and run in for a coffee or to the bank.
    I also struggle with letting Matt play with the neighbourhood kids if I’m not watching.
    Also, I’ve gotta say my son is way more like Jasper than Emilia. I’m not sure I’ll ever be leaving him alone.

99. verybadcat Said,

    January 23, 2010 @ 10:31 pm

    My perspective on this is a little skewed- I babysat my two year old sister for hours at at time when I was eight. Diapers and all, baby. I was the queen of the latchkey kids. The fourteenth time I “missed” the latchkey bus in fourth or fifth grade and walked home instead, my parents quit fighting me on it.

    Emilia is young and vulnerable, yes. But when you’re making a decision like that, to me you consider how likely something bad is to happen (not likely), and what you’re risking if something bad does happen (depends on what happens).

    The truth is that she could have just as easily had Something Bad Happen while you were in the shower, and I think it’s good for kids to be comfortable being alone, and I think her age is an appropriate one for occasional small periods.

    My parents gave me as much freedom as they felt I could handle responsibly, regardless of what the norm was for my age. I learned to be a (mostly) good steward of that freedom, because it was so incredibly precious. There were times, when I was very young and when I was a teenager, that I got in over my head. I navigated them all fairly well and adjusted my bravery level accordingly.

    You are undoubtedly her bad mother, in the truest form of the concept, and I happen to believe that’s what makes you a damn good Mom.

    Yeah, I said it. You’re a damn good Mom.
    verybadcat´s last blog ..A Trip Around the Sun

100. Carrie Said,

     January 24, 2010 @ 12:52 am

     I’ve done it. Once it was for about 10 min and a few other times it’s been for less. My daughter was sound asleep one morning (a rare thing) and I had to drive my husband to the train. The train is tops 10 min from our house round trip and I’d be dropping him off on the road. So I took him and drove home super fast and guess what? She was STILL sleeping. No harm no foul.

     I wouldn’t leave my girls alone for significant times but as long as I know they are safe I don’t see the issue. As you mentioned, you can leave them alone for longer while you are in the shower. They are still “alone” and can still get into trouble. The main difference being you might be albel to stop or fix the “trouble” a bit sooner than if you ran out to the corner to pick up the mail.
     Carrie´s last blog ..Sleep, baby, sleep

101. 6512 and growing Said,

     January 24, 2010 @ 5:24 pm

     You are so great at “topics.”

     There are so many judgment calls parents have to constantly make, aren’t there?

     My son once fell asleep in the bike trailer on our way to do some food shopping. I really didn’t want to wake him up and deliberated for awhile. I ended up leaving him in the trailer, attached to my bike, leaned up against the small food Co-op, in our small town. Besides the runaway-imagination “what ifs?” I really felt fine about it. I checked on him several times during the ten minutes I was shopping. I made a judgment call; there was risk. This is part of being a parent.

     Thanks for another thought-provoking topic.
     6512 and growing´s last blog ..Digging Out

102. sixis Said,

     January 24, 2010 @ 6:26 pm

     Was Emilia okay with it? That’s all that really matters.

     While we’re confessing – I was left at home alone when I was three. Apparently, I didn’t want to go pick up mom at work. So dad had a heart to heart with me, went over the rules – primary of which was not to leave the yard. So 45 minutes later, the car comes wheeling up with my frantic and furious mother and contrite dad to find me sitting on the curb with my pocketbook. I did NOT leave the yard. Staying with in the rules while testing the boundaries. Been the story of my life. No, I don’t have any first hand memories, just the story. However, I did take a certain amount of pride in that story over the years. Home by myself and totally calm. It gave me the feeling I could handle anything.

     I left my 9 year old for 15 minutes yesterday while walking the dog. At her request I called and spoke with her on the cellphone the entire time. She’s a little nervous being home alone, but she’ll get there.

103. sixis Said,

     January 24, 2010 @ 6:30 pm

     BTW, leaving your child in car around here will get you arrested.

     I still haven’t figured out if it’s better to leave the baby in the grocery cart behind the car to unload groceries or put the baby in the car seat while unloading. If you do the second, then what do you do with the cart?

     

     kootnygirl Reply:
     January 24th, 2010 at 8:38 pm

     I always did/do the second. I load my kids, then my stuff, then I take the cart back. I try to park right next to the cart corral, but frankly it doesn’t bother me to walk 30 or 40 or 50 feet back to my car, while my kids are inside it. I don’t lock it, and I don’t buckle them in first; they enjoy playing around in there for the 20 seconds or so, and while I’m sure some would scream about the risks of carjackings or being rear-ended in the parking lot, I have always been perfectly at ease with my choice, given the environment here.
     kootnygirl´s last blog ..maybe this time

104. pixielation Said,

     January 24, 2010 @ 8:27 pm

     I’ve left my kids alone in certain circumstances. Going around the corner to drop a letter in the post box being one – total walking trip time of 8 minutes.

     I’ve also left them in the house while popping over the road to borrow things from a neighbour. I think worrying about those moments when you’re out of voice range, but still very close is ridiculous if your children are old enough to walk and talk.

     Once I left them both watching TV when they both had bad colds and were home sick while I went to the shop which is down the road slightly. I was gone maybe 15 or 20 minutes. But I discussed it with them, and left them with the phone. They know how to use the phone. They know not to answer the door. Both front and back doors were locked from the inside.

     I got back with the things I needed, and they hadn’t moved an inch from the sofa. To have made them get dressed and walk down the road in the cold would have been the poorer choice. They are old enough to follow instruction, and were not worried about being alone.

     It’s just common sense, and knowing what would be dangerous and what wouldn’t. Leaving an 18 month old awake and roaming around the house while you were over the road would be stupid. Leaving a 5 year old who is engrossed in a game or the television while you did the same would be fine.

     If the occasion arose that my 8 year old was home sick and I had to pick up the other from school, I would probably leave the 8 year old at home with the phone for the 15 minutes it would take me to get the other one.

     When they were babies I would put them in the car first, unload the groceries and then take the trolley back. Usually that meant walking all of 5 cars to where the trolleys go anyway. The car isn’t out of my sight.

     And when I put petrol in the car I leave the kids in it while I pay. I lock it though. I think It’s far safer to leave small children contained than to drag them across the forecourt where cars may suddenly turn in. And they are still in my view while I stand there paying.

     The sad thing is there are some people who DO leave their children in dangerous or neglected positions. But those people are not worrying about it, or asking if it’s ok. Those are the ones who should be under scrutiny.

105. Karina Said,

     January 24, 2010 @ 9:25 pm

     I left my infant in the house once. We were in the process of moving and it was very late and I was alone with her (she was 4 months old at the time). It was also the middle of December and snowing. I had parked behind the garage to unload her and what I had in the car. We had parked in this same place the night before and our tire had been slashed so I was very hesitant to leave the car there.

     I had already gotten her out of her warm clothes and knew that it would only take a minute to move the car. So, I put her in the pack-n-play in the living room and RAN to the car, moved it and RAN back to the house. I admit that I was nearly hysterical by the time I got back to her. Now, at 18 months, I will let her hang out in the living room (which is entirely blocked off and childproofed) and go upstairs to do laundry.

     Is this the right thing to do? I don’t know, but it works for us. I don’t have her taking the clothes out of the dryer that I am trying to put into them and she gets some alone time. She’s a very independent little girl and plays very well on her own.

     More than likely, I will let her play outside by herself when she is 4 or 5. We live at the end of a street and there is a large courtyard with a play structure. I was allowed free rein of our yard when I was young (which was huge, I lived on a farm!) and our block when I was only a little older. I thought it was a great way to grow up!

106. Tammy Said,

     January 25, 2010 @ 11:49 am

     Ok, different continent, same story. “Tolerant” Amsterdam, pouring, freezing rain, sleep-comatose, buckled-in child. Ran to ATM within sight of locked car on busy street, then bakery, which I had to enter to purchase bread for said sleeping child, thus out of sight. By the time I returned (7 minutes), cop was waiting, called by a passerby (who was lurking and watching but pretending not to). It took twice as long to make my defense to cop than it took to run the errand. 2 year old child slept through the whole damn thing. Just doesn’t seem balanced, this zeal to report, this hyper-alertness. Believe me, I do enough worrying myself over my children’s well-being.
     Tammy´s last blog ..The black diamond.

107. Tina Said,

     January 25, 2010 @ 12:03 pm

     I used to live in NYC. We lived on the 7th floor of a doorman building. Laundry was on the 1st floor. When my son was a newborn I wanted to throw some laundry in while he was in his crib sleeping. I did not and never did because I was petrified that if he woke up and cried too long the neighbors would call the cops and I’d be booked for neglect. It infuriated me.

     Now, I live in the ‘burbs. Laundry is in the basement. My son is older and I often go to the basement (2 floors down) while he is sleeping to do laundry. I don’t really think there is much difference, except that no one can call the cops on me if they hear him crying in his crib for a few minutes. My son also often falls asleep in his stroller. I will leave him in his stroller outside with me while I do yard work. I’ve also left him in his stroller in the garage (during winter when he is all bundled up) when he is sleeping. If I brought him into the house he would wake up.

     It’s terrible that other parents / adults are so quick to judge and claim neglect. Often times the real crime is having fear drive your choices rather than sound judgment. I know I’m guilty of that!

108. Arkie Mama Said,

     January 25, 2010 @ 2:38 pm

     Many times, I’ve left my 6-year-old daughter in the car when picking up my youngest from daycare.

     I’ve done it when the weather was lovely and sunny and warm.

     And no, I cannot see her, or even the car, once I enter the building. And I’m fine with it.

109. Nick Said,

     January 25, 2010 @ 7:36 pm

     I find it so fascinating that once you “outed” yourself and admitted to leaving your child alone that 98% (just a guess, certainly not a calculation I did) of the comments have been similar stories. Very few have said they NEVER would do that and gasp how could you??!! Wonder what kind of comments you would have received had you posted about your friend who did the same thing and now you’re wondering if she’s negligent?

     Anyway, more to the point of what I decided to comment on is: One parent’s story of leaving their child alone involves their own property, 50 or 100 feet away from the child, 5-10 minutes of separation. Another (or several) includes a car, driving away, or leaving their property crossing a street, away from sleeping child for 20 minutes or so. All cases seemed to be anxiety inducing but also included examples of the comfort level growing as they continued the practice. Interestingly, quite a few commenters said that they think an hour is excessive and never to be done.

     So where’s the line? Your 10 minutes around the corner is within your comfort level. Personally, I totally respect the fact that you said if it is something you felt comfortable doing then it would be something you would feel comfortable discussing and defending if need be. Would everyone who have done this feel the same way? Would you (you now meaning the general audience of readers not YOU) REALLY be okay admitting to your neighbour, friend, whomever, that you drove away (it was only 15 minutes!!) from your sleeping baby at home? When you hear yet another story of the mom who was busted because she left her sleeping baby in the car (she only meant to be gone for a few minutes and it turned into a hour)-do you judge her?

     To clarify, I’m not asking these questions in judgement of my fellow readers or of you. I do have to admit that I was quite surprised and frankly uncomfortable with some of the accounts of the other commenters. However, I too have taken “calculated risks” and left my kids unattended in circumstances that I have both felt totally okay doing (ie left in car while ran back to the house). I’ve also done it when I did not feel 100% confident but did it anyway.

     I just wonder though by doing these little deeds of leaving on kids while we run to the corner store is what leads up to some of the more bolder acts of leaving our kids for more extended time in which it’s not okay. Not saying this is the case for all of course, just wondering if that is how some of these things happen.

110. Heather Said,

     January 26, 2010 @ 6:31 pm

     So glad that I found this blog and this particular post!

     I’ve struggled with this ever since becoming a mother. My hardest moment of “do I leave him or not?” is when I have to go to the dry cleaners to drop off or pick up clothing. It is too cumbersome to take my child out of his car seat, put him in the stroller to walk him into the store (that is 5 ft from my car), and carry a load of dry cleaning in one arm. So, I always want to leave him in the car. But I don’t…mainly because I am afraid of being “found out” by someone who walks by and sees my kid in the car unattended, calls the police, etc. To avoid this dilemma, I’m going to the dry cleaners on the w/e when my husband can watch our son. But, this is just one example…like the many examples posted above, I’ve been tempted but won’t for fear of judgment/punishment. Thanks for a great post!

111. Lisa Said,

     January 26, 2010 @ 9:25 pm

     Love this post. Love the combination of personal and global. Love the boldness in “confessing” and your reasons for doing so.

     Even if I didn’t agree with you, I don’t think it merits a rake over the coals.

     Personally, I would have had her on my cell phone the whole time, but I’m a little neurotic like that.

112. Emma Said,

     January 27, 2010 @ 7:16 am

     I think in this situation you did exactly as I would have done. But I wish it didnt matter, I wish we didnt all compare ourselves to one another as mothers. I wish we didnt all feel so judged and as if we need to justify our choices.
     Interestingly, where I live it is illegal to leave a child alone in a locked car so when I leave my toddler in the car to run in and pay for petrol, back into the house to grab whatever I forgot or into the corner shop to grab milk I have to leave it unlocked. I take the keys with me but will leave a window down if its not summer (in Summer I leave them up hopeing to trap the airconditioning in!).
     I live 5 kms from the centre of a biggish city (Sydney) but in a relatively ’safe’ neighbourhood (such a relative judgement?!) eg we sleep with our unbarred windows open and sometimes the backdoor if its stinking hot.

     and in comment to the post by Carrien, we often play outside or even walk to the shop without shoes, sometimes even in winter if its not too cold! I think I am (as I’m sure you are) capable of deciding if its too cold!

113. Amy Said,

     January 29, 2010 @ 10:37 am

     As a “free-range” mother, I think you were justified given the situation. I’m not sure I would leave my 5yo alone for 1 hour..but I have left him alone (and his siblings) to run to the neighbours.
     One of our neighbours is appalled at our “lack of parenting” because we sat on our lawn while we watched our 3yo ride his two wheel bike back and forth down the road…I thought it was great he was 3 and riding a bike…she thought we were terrible people. So it’s all personal, and NOT to be judged. Her 6 year old can’t get out of the van by herself (which would drive me NUTS!) but that’s their choices not mine. I wish we (myself included) could all be more tolerant and understanding of each other.

114. On Leaving Your Child Alone « Will’s Miscellanous Musings Said,

     February 4, 2010 @ 5:02 pm

     [...] } I ran across this column today, and as child-free adult, found it interesting.  You might want to check it [...]

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