She Is Vast, And She Contains Multitudes, And She Also Sometimes Throws Her Bra
When I got to the South By Southwest Interactive festival this past weekend, someone told me to not tell anyone that I was a mommyblogger. “Say personal blogger, or lifestyle blogger,” this person said. “Just not, you know, mommy.”
It was too late. I’d already ridden in from the airport on a short bus full of hipster boys, who had asked me what I was there for, and whether I was in film or tech (the fact that I did not sport an ironic mullet tipped them off, I suppose, to the fact that I was not there for music), and I had felt compelled to explain that I was kind of in tech, if by ‘in tech’ he meant ‘writes about frankenvulvae and Ativan-dependence online.’
“I’m what’s sometimes referred to as a mom-blogger,” I said. “Oh,” he replied. “You’re a mom? Do you know anyone who buys animated shorts? Like, say if they were kid-friendly?”
It could have been worse, I suppose. It could have been like the now-infamous-in-the-very-small-circle-of-hundreds-of-thousands-of-mom-bloggers-and-friends New York Times article. They could have said something like, oh my god, that’s so cute that you do that! How nice for you! I hope that you don’t forget your children while you’re drinking margaritas out of sippy cups and pimping out their stories in exchange for dish detergent! They wouldn’t have, though, because hipster geek-boys don’t speak like that. That the New York Times does speak like that, and in those terms, is making my head explode.
It’s not exploding because (or, just because) it belittles mom-bloggers, or even because (just because) it belittles moms generally – these are grounds for head-explosion in themselves, and my head has already exploded more than once in consideration of these – but because that belittling threatens to shape how I view myself and how I present myself and determine whether or not I say things like “I’m a mom-blogger” to buses full of hipsters at SXSW or identify myself as ‘Her Bad Mother’ to Darren Rowse or John C. Reilly or anybody outside of my own community of, you know, moms. It threatens to bend my psyche in such a way that when somebody tells me that I shouldn’t identify myself as a mom-blogger outside of women-centric conferences, I listen.
To say that that sucks is to understate things to an extreme.
(That the Times article described my project for Tanner without naming it or linking it and more or less dismissed it as a) a “perk” of being a popular mom blogger, and b) a project that should be looked upon with suspicion because it was such a “perk” and dependent upon corporate sponsorships – the sponsor duly linked, of course, just so no-one missed the point – caused not only my head to explode, but my heart, and summoning the words to take that on right now is beyond my ken. Tanner is dying. You fuck with how I’m handling that it and it causes all kind of damage.)
I’m proud that I’m writer who writes about, among other things, motherhood. I’m proud that I’m a mom. I’m proud that I have integrated my motherhood and my writerhood, that I am able to bring my motherhood to bear upon my ideas and my ideas to bear upon my motherhood and that I am contributing, in a very important way, to opening the space of discourse for mothers and for motherhood and raising the discursive veil on the important work that we do – the art and craft and joy and brilliance of what we do – and that I sometimes wear a McDonalds bag on my head and sometimes throw nursing bras and sometimes engage in boot smackdowns while I am doing it. And I don’t want to not be proud, or feel stifled in expressing my pride, or be made to feel as though retaining that pride requires me to never do the sort of silly things that a New York Times writer might seize upon and use to support her implied argument that these women are not to be taken seriously. I don’t want to read an article like the one that I read this weekend and say to myself – as I did, as I totally did - I don’t want to be associated with women drinking margaritas out of sippy cups and writing about coupon-clipping. Because even though I don’t clip coupons, I would totally drink a margarita out of a sippy cup and I don’t think that that makes me any less interesting or powerful or awesome. I think that it actually makes me more interesting and awesome and I look forward to the day when I and my fellow moms – and women everywhere – can do silly things and not only have that not invalidate our power but perhaps even bolster it.
South by Southwest was full of random eruptions of silliness. In fact, if I had to summarize SXSW in 140 characters or less, I’d say that it was a whole lot of silliness held together by networking, wisdom-sharing, connection-building, and awesome. But nobody ever writes articles about how cute it is that the boy-geniuses of teh internets get drunk and make awesome asses of themselves doing karaoke. Men are allowed to be silly and still be taken seriously. Men are allowed to make silliness part of how they build their communities and – yes – how they do business. Women are not. Moms especially are not. I hate that. I hate that a lot.
I hate that a lot not only because it pressures us to not be silly (which is, self-evidently, not a good thing, inasmuch as silliness, as everyone from Bugs Bunny to Ashton Kutcher to every single individual in attendance at SXSW knows, silliness greases the wheels of everything from creativity to community-building to connection-making to cash-and-carrot-finding), it pressures us to not color outside the lines in any meaningful way when we go out into the world and declare ourselves. If we are moms, we must comport ourselves according to established stereotypes, so that the world will know how to receive us and read us and understand us. If we are to be public – if we are to take mothers’ lives, womens’ lives, out into the public square so that we can be accepted as part of that public – we must behave well, so that we will be taken seriously, so that our presence there can be justified. If we become too silly – or too sexy, or too subversive – we will just prove what many men (and some women) have always known: we do not belong there. We are too unpredictable to be public. Our place is behind the veil, where our complexities will not cause confusion. We should know our place. We should expect to be made fun of – to be belittled, to be scorned – if we do not.
Fuck that. We need to insist that our presence in the public sphere is good – is necessary – regardless of how we act, regardless of whether we, as women (not just as moms, because we are not only moms, we are not even primarily moms), comport ourselves in ways that are serious or silly or sexy or salty or in any manner subversive of what the public (which includes us; we mustn’t forget that; we are too often party to this) expects of us. We need to insist that, to proclaim that, and to demand that that truth be accepted by – embraced by – the public, by all our publics, by everyone, by us. And we need to start by not denying any part of who we collectively are, not only as moms, but as women – not the coupon-clippers, not the margarita-slurpers, not the yummy mummies or the cougars or the power-suit-wearers or the table-dancers or the tattooed hipsters or the home-schoolers or the scenesters or the lactivists or the nursing-bra-throwers or the philosophers or the shoe-lovers or any combination of these – and by demanding that all these parts of who we collectively are be taken seriously. Not necessarily or exclusively taken as serious – it is the unseriousness of so many of these parts that provides so much of the color and movement of our collective whole – but taken seriously. There’s a difference. That difference matters. We need to demand that it – and we – be recognized.
We can start by telling the New York Times to go f*ck itself, and by doing so with wit and intelligence and humor and maybe a bra-toss or two. And then toasting ourselves with a margarita.
Sippy cup optional.
*****
UPDATE: The writer of the New York Times article has written a post in which she expresses her sadness that the piece was taken as dismissive of mom-bloggers. It was, she says, meant to be “light” in tone, a description of a “cultural trend,” and that the details she’d cited – the mimosas (not margaritas, as I’ve written above) in sippy cups, among other things – were, she thought, charming. Which is fine and all, and I respect that she stood up and explained herself, but still, as I said in a comment at her post:
Here’s my problem: the idea that mom-blogging is just a cultural trend, that it is something that warrants a light “trend” piece. We’d never see a light “trend” piece on how men are making careers out of blogging, on how geeky guys who love tech are turning their hobbies into business. Never. Nor would we ever see the antics of men at SXSW or BlogWorld being characterized as cute or charming. These things can only be characterized as such with reference to moms/women because that is how the culture views moms/women, and there’s a real problem there.
That, and the whole dismissal of the Tanner project, of course. Still pissed about that.
That said – this was true when I originally wrote this, and is still true now – my primary frustration is with the New York Times for continuing to push these kinds of ‘light trend’/Style section pieces about moms and mom-bloggers, and with other mainstream media that do the same, rather with the writer of this piece. So. Just wanted to clarify that.
Posted by Her Bad Mother on March 16, 2010
Filed under: Uncategorized
Tags: hipsters, mom, mommy, mommybloggers, new york times, NYT, south by southwest, sxsw, sxsw interactive
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."What is done out of love always takes place beyond good and evil." (Nietzsche, Aphorism 153, Beyond Good And Evil.) Not, unfortunately, beyond Dora dolls that shout 'WE DID IT!' when you step on them, but you learn to cope with that.
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© 2010 • Her Bad Mother • All Rights Reserved
Mar 16, 2010
Well said Catherine. Very well said.
Miss Grace´s last blog ..Life List – Hair
Mar 16, 2010
Bravo Catherine! Well said!!!!!!!
Loukia´s last blog ..This is the end, my friend…
Mar 16, 2010
By far my favourite post about this topic. Well done, C. Well done.
sam {temptingmama}´s last blog ..Alive
Mar 16, 2010
The saying that motherhood is the most important job in the world only seems to apply to the actual act of mothering. Anything we do beyond that is met with derision and judgment and other word that can make us feel less than. Thanks for telling the Times to go eff themselves so eloquently.
Melanie´s last blog ..What Do You Dream Of? {a guest post}
Her Bad Mother Reply:
March 16th, 2010 at 4:58 pm
I would argue further that it’s only our *private* mothering that is lauded as ‘important.’ Mothering in public, talking about motherhood in public, *making* motherhood public – these things are so often met with derision.
Crunchy Reply:
March 16th, 2010 at 5:21 pm
It is the same as everything female is it not. KEEP IT PRIVATE. Don’t talk about depression. Don’t talk about menopause. Don’t talk about hormone issues and menstruation.
Keep it to yourself. Don’t share it out ‘there’…plaster the fake smiles on and get on with it.
Oooh I feel more rants coming on
Crunchy´s last blog ..How To Feel Humbled
Her Bad Mother Reply:
March 16th, 2010 at 9:15 pm
I know, right? NOTHING gets my rant up like this particular subject. And when you throw in people bitching about how the ‘mommybloggers’ over-react to everything? KERBLAM GOES MY HEAD.
Mar 16, 2010
This is exactly what I’ve come to expect from you. A well thought out, very well written post.
Thank you. You’ve done it again.
Mar 16, 2010
Here, Here!!! Toast to you and every MOMMY blogger!
Gwen aka CBsMom´s last blog ..Still reading – “The Things They Carried”
Mar 16, 2010
Yet another awesome response to that assinine article. Bravo!
Carrie´s last blog ..An Open Letter to Traffic Engineers
Mar 16, 2010
I fucking love you for this. As I said in my own post: Being able to work in the buff at 2 a.m., swear on the job and get paid to live out a childhood dream doesn’t make me unprofessional. It just makes me lucky.
If I drank margaritas, I’d be tossing one back in your honor right now. While nursing this baby and writing about it.
Sierra Black´s last blog ..A Blog of One’s Own
Her Bad Mother Reply:
March 16th, 2010 at 4:58 pm
“(this) doesn’t make me unprofessional. It just makes me lucky.”
EXACTLY.
Mar 16, 2010
“I’m proud that I have integrated my motherhood and my writerhood, that I am able to bring my motherhood to bear upon my ideas and my ideas to bear upon my motherhood . . .” Yes, yes, yes.
And I’m sorry I cringed this morning when someone called out, “Can we get all the mommy-bloggers together for a picture?” It doesn’t really matter what they call us, does it?
Rebecca (Playground Confidential)´s last blog ..Breastfeeding Safe With Most Meds
Her Bad Mother Reply:
March 16th, 2010 at 5:01 pm
It doesn’t matter. Or rather, it SHOULDN’T matter.
Mar 16, 2010
Cheers! I found myself nodding along as a I read this. (and laughing, especially at the ironic mullet comment)
Our parts do not make up who we are as women, and as women and/or mothers we do need to be taken seriously if only so we can cut loose without judgment.
Kelly´s last undefined ..If you register your site for free at
Her Bad Mother Reply:
March 16th, 2010 at 9:16 pm
I totally had to abandon my children to Yo Gabba Gabba to write that mullet line
Mar 16, 2010
The thing that really irks me about the whole Times piece (and the idea of mom’s in general) is that mothers are completely supposed to disassociate themselves from their before children selves. You are no longer allowed to be creative (unless your crafting), business minded, or uninhibited. You have to be a stereotypical “mom” all the time. You know what? No, I don’t. I choose not to conform.
Kat´s last blog ..Dependent on Technology
Mar 16, 2010
Simply adore the delineation between seriousness and being taken seriously.
I think that might just encapsulate the whole thing as perfectly as anything.
Bravo Cath. Toasting you with a virtual margarita. (Although, in a regular glass. It’s much easier to rim with salt that way.)
Mom101´s last blog ..Honey, Don’t Bother Mommy. I’m Writing a Mildly Annoyed Letter to the New York Times.
Her Bad Mother Reply:
March 16th, 2010 at 9:18 pm
You can rim a sippy cup margarita with salt if you take the sippy lid off. Just sayin’.
Mar 16, 2010
WOW! Spot on! Seriously, this story is beyond upsetting and disappointing even more-so in the way that it came to fruition. In any case, you’re response to the entirely ridonculous debacle is definitely one of the best I’ve read thus far. I hope that the NY Times is very, very ashamed of themselves and the ignorance they have contributed in by publishing such a bunch of contrived rubbish.
Mar 16, 2010
I’m raising my sippy cup to you. If I had a sippy cup. Or a margarita. Sadly, I have only tap water in non-breakable plastic, it will have to do. But the spirit is the same, I promise.
You hit the nail on the head – no one is going to belittle a father for going off to a conference and letting loose. That’s OK. He works hard after all and blah blah blah. But we DO belittle women, and especially mothers, who do the same thing. And we belittle each other. That, especially, has to stop.
Amber´s last blog ..Cutting the Crusts Off
Mar 16, 2010
OMG YOU ARE SO RIGHT!! Where’d I put my sippy cup??
Jennifer´s last blog ..Crap-f-ing-tastic!!
Mar 16, 2010
While I have never like being referred/pigeon-holed as a mommyblogger that is what people think of me. This post says exactly what I was thinking while reading that NYT article. Well said!
Mar 16, 2010
I CONCUR. Like, times a gazillion. Whatever amount of concur-ence that is, that is how much I concur.
Lona @ I am THAT mommy´s last blog ..Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to wear Lizzie …
Mar 16, 2010
amen!!! so very very perfectly saying what needed to be said. thank you.
Mar 16, 2010
Oh, I love you. You’re just 100% right.
Katherine Center´s last blog ..you’re invited !!!
Mar 16, 2010
The deeper I’ve managed to wade into this ocean of so-called “mom blogging”, the more impacted I’ve felt by all of the negative press surrounding it and the angrier I’ve begun to feel. I completely agree with what you’ve said here, Catherine. Bravo.
Lynn @ Walking With Scissors´s last blog ..It’ll feel better in the end… (Alternate title: “That’s What SHE Said!”)
Mar 16, 2010
You’re the best. The absolute best. Yes, yes, and yes.
Alice´s last blog ..In the locker room
Mar 16, 2010
Raising boy-girl twins, issues of gender cut close to my heart. If I hear “he’s such a typical boy” one more time, I’m going to throttle someone (or, if I don’t wish to be charged with assault, I’ll just blog about it).
Thank you for pointing out that “Men are allowed to be silly and still be taken seriously.” Like I said in a post on Gender and the Olympic Games, women deserve the right to kill themselves by ski jumping if they want to. The fact that it’s 2010 and we’re still having these conversation about gender and equality is amazing; the glare from a thousand glass ceilings is damaging my eyesight.
Ironic Mom´s last blog ..Hair, Children, and the Homeless Look
Her Bad Mother Reply:
March 16th, 2010 at 9:27 pm
“the glare from a thousand glass ceilings is damaging my eyesight.”
We all need to wear silly, heart-shaped sunglasses, I suppose.
Mar 16, 2010
So glad I found you and your blog. This post says it all.
Mar 16, 2010
It took me 3 days to muster up the will to read the damn thing.
I wish I hadn’t. More than that, I wish it hadn’t been written. More than THAT I wish the attitude that drove it to be written didn’t exist.
And…learning about some of the things that went down behind the scenes regarding that article has made it virtually impossible to respond to it. I would lose my temper and well…when Loralee looses her temper online it tends to be really horrifying.
SO…I will just say that this is brilliant. I love you. The end.
Loralee´s last blog ..I’m going to Oklahoma to kick it with The Pioneer Woman at her ranch. (Squee!)
Her Bad Mother Reply:
March 17th, 2010 at 9:05 am
I don’t know any of the things that went down by the scenes – it’s probably best that I don’t know. I don’t need to be any more upset by it.
Mar 16, 2010
Very well said…and very depressing. When I was laid off from my job right after maternity leave, I feared the (cultural, social, and financial) marginalization that stay-at-home motherhood would bring. This whole “mommyblogger” explosion has underscored that for me. I’m just a mommy! How cute that I write and have a blog! How cute that we’re all enraged by this Times thing! Grrrr.
Julia´s last blog ..You Mean It’s Not All About Me?
Mar 16, 2010
Awesome. I am printing this out and hanging it in my cubicle to remind myself that I, too, am awesome. That being a mommy does not marginalize you. That being a woman does not invalidate you. That being both a woman and a mommy does not render me invisible.
Mar 16, 2010
Tipping my virtual paper bag hat to you. Brava!
Her Bad Mother Reply:
March 16th, 2010 at 8:23 pm
Thank you again, so much, for the conversation that helped me crystallize some of these thoughts.
xo
Mar 16, 2010
Something tells me if more mommybloggers were like you the world would have a harder time mocking us. You are silly and salty and subversive and awesome and DOING SOMETHING with this platform, MAKING SOMETHING of this community, and unfortunately, in an age when it seems like EVERY mom has a blog, you are also exceptional. So thanks for continuing to pave the way and make us reach higher than we maybe otherwise would.
Mar 16, 2010
That NYT piece is another sad example of the ways that even WOMEN in our society are uncomfortable with women. With women’s creativity, women’s power, women’s sexuality, professionalism, lack of professionalism, perfection, flaws, parenthood, tattoos, beauty, size, the list goes on endlessly.
This is an exceptional, eloquently written FUCK YOU NYT and I thank you for joining that really awesome group of bloggers who are expressing the outrage I think most of us are feeling.
I’m a WOHM mom/blogger/athlete/person. I don’t give a shit if I ever make a dime off my blog (though god knows it would be nice since I’m supporting my kids and myself on my own). The beauty of the online women’s blogging community is that we are an infinite variation of womanhood. And yes, we are a collective power to be reckoned with. Cecily’s list of statistics yesterday had me wanted to stand on my chair and cheer (and I would have, but it’s one of those desk chairs with wheels and it spins and I probably would have fallen off and broken my ass).
Wonderfully written. Are you sending a copy to the NYT? And if not, why not?
Mary (BarnMaven)´s last blog ..Sunday Scatology
Her Bad Mother Reply:
March 16th, 2010 at 8:23 pm
I’ll send it to them as a letter. Because, yes.
Mar 16, 2010
A-FUCKING-MEN.
Mar 16, 2010
I think this should be the post we use as our rallying cry. Thank you for writing it.
amber´s last blog ..A Visit With A Little Green Monster.
Mar 16, 2010
To totally quote something without a source: “Well-behaved women rarely make history”.
And fuck the NYT for their treatment of your Tanner project.
Ellie Di´s last blog ..Style Giants: Bowie Interviews McQueen
Mary (BarnMaven) Reply:
March 16th, 2010 at 4:51 pm
Ellie, it was Eleanor Roosevelt who said that. It’s one of my favorite quotes, I have it on a magnet with a picture of her.
And yes, fuck the NYT!!!
Cheers.
Mary (BarnMaven)´s last blog ..Sunday Scatology
Mar 16, 2010
Thank you for speaking my mind. I am woman, hear me roar! (Or plug your ears but I’ll only roar louder.)
Emily´s last blog ..Evonne’s baby shower, Part 1: The cupcakes
Mar 16, 2010
Yes… yes… and… YES!
It’s time we take back the term Mommy-blogger.
MommyNaniBooboo´s last blog ..How to get into my pants.
Mar 16, 2010
You hit it right on the head with the ‘too’. It seems that still women who are ‘too’, too smart, too sexy, too whatever are perceived negatively. We as women even see other women like this, ‘Oh she’s too frugal or She’s too driven’. However men who are ‘too’ are celebrated for their brilliance and ingenuity. This is exactly the case with mom bloggers, it is ‘too’ successful in ‘too’ short of a time frame. For some reason this puts the general patriarchal populace off, mainly, I think, because its thought moms who are ‘too’ must be neglecting their womanly duties or some other such bullshit. The discouraging thing about it is, as you know, not what was said in the article (I mean as women we are designed to have thick skins) but how its implications will be taken to heart and change our self-perception and our ideas of self-worth in a domain in which we clearly excel and of which we should be extremely proud, from the coupon clippers to the bloggesses.
the mombshell´s last blog ..this bitch is crazy and that’s why I love her
Her Bad Mother Reply:
March 17th, 2010 at 9:06 am
*I* took its implications to heart. I was disappointed in myself for that.
Mar 16, 2010
Nice to hear your take on it… and am totally over the article, but am not over the fact I missed SXSW again. Argh.
Her Bad Mother Reply:
March 16th, 2010 at 8:18 pm
Would have loved to have seen you there
Mar 16, 2010
[...] In case you missed the article in The New York Times about mom bloggers, check it out here. Even more interesting is this very sharp reply from the Her Bad Mother blogger. [...]
Mar 16, 2010
Wonderfully put. I have so much respect for Mommy Bloggers, and women in general who find creative ways to have careers, on top of being mommy’s.
Mar 16, 2010
I don’t have kids (famous last words), but if I did, I would be right there with you tossing your bra, middle fingers in the air and using my hat to hold two sippy cups with long straws.
F*CK you NY Times. I have not used my uterus to create life yet but that doesn’t mean I don’t get to have an opinion.
ANYONE has the right to be silly. At any time. Children included.
Frankly, I think women that blog online, women that do anything that betters themselves or the world around them are amazing, and teaching their children that- heaven forbid- it is ok to have an opinion.
Thank you.
*I would like to also state that I think it is bulsh how stay at home dads get treated sometimes to
/rant
Michelle M´s last blog ..Tobacco Stains and the Snow Plow
Her Bad Mother Reply:
March 16th, 2010 at 8:17 pm
Stay at home dads do get the short end of the stick, too, I think. They’re probably the one exception to the rule that men don’t dismissed for working from home or trying to balance career and family, etc.
Mar 16, 2010
I’m only just started reading your blog. And in a very short time you’ve become one of my heroes. Voices that remind me to stand in who I am as I am are so needed in the day to day beatings I allow my psyche to take from internal and external sources. THANK YOU for being unapologetically you as a woman and as a mother and for giving others permission to be the same.
Val´s last blog ..Snarky Navy Wife on the MyCAA Debacle (that I have too long been quiet about)
Her Bad Mother Reply:
March 16th, 2010 at 8:15 pm
You are very, very welcome
Mar 16, 2010
I really, really wish the author of the NYT piece, (and a fellow mommy blogger) would read this post.
Tanis Miller, RNM´s last blog ..What a Girl Wants
Mar 16, 2010
Amen, Sister! Amen.
Forgotten´s last blog ..My first creation…
Mar 16, 2010
Incredibly well said. The best response I’ve read. Now I can lay down my own angry thoughts and just say “what Catherine said.”
anymommy´s last blog ..Too Much
Mar 16, 2010
I’m standing up clapping. Very well said. If anyone should be “silly” it’s Moms. I mean, look at what we deal with…HELLO!
Mar 16, 2010
The NYT article was so disappointing and disheartening. I’m not saying anything new here, just repeating what all of the intelligent women above have already said: Women should not demean women. We should lift each other up. I’m sad that someone with such a large platform does not feel that way. Thank you for so precisely expressing female bloggers’ collective disagreement with Noone’s opinion.
Erin´s last blog ..Five Ws & An H
Mar 16, 2010
I think you missed something crucial here:
““I’m what’s sometimes referred to as a mom-blogger,” I said. “Oh,” he replied. “You’re a mom? Do you know anyone who buys animated shorts? Like, say if they were kid-friendly?””
That movie-making hipster heard “mom blogger” and thought “potential powerful market to tap.” He saw you as someone to have a business discussion with.
You know what? Screw the NY Times and every other medium like it. They’re a dinosaur, and they’re failing. Failing because they are being left behind by us mom-bloggers and those hipsters and everyone else who is being creative and collaborative in an entirely new way. They’re afraid of us. And they should be.
zchamu´s last blog ..The easy way
Her Bad Mother Reply:
March 16th, 2010 at 8:14 pm
You make a crucial point there – he DIDN’T dismiss me. He immediately saw me as a potential resource.
See? Even the geek-boy hipsters get it.
Mar 16, 2010
That’s right…they should be. Afwaid, Vewy, Vewy, Awaid.
Have been following your blog for some time now – my first comment on yours while BF’ing. Am an aspiring (ha ha) blogger myself…
While I am not down with the corporate branding/giveaways – I AM in favour of grassroots/local.to.me business promotion and giveaways – promoting/supporting mompreneurs and mommy bloggers alike.
I have been taking time whenever I can – which ALWAYS come second, third or fourth fiddle to my lil’ man, my big strappin’ man and our home – to research the land of blogging, continue to work on my design(s), do market research, refine my business plan etc. A bit of a novice, I have learned so much from BRAVE, TALENTED, momma’s like yourself who are doing this to either (combination or all), be a resource; build community, build business, share stories, support one another, get cathartic healing through the art of writing, have productive alone time rather than zoning out in front of the boob tube. Alone time IS allowed, lets not focus on the extremes, as hinted at in Miss Mendelsohn hints at in her article title.
Why is it that when men have the brash and sass to develop a business, build a brand – whatever type that may be – they are considered smart, intelligent, dedicated individuals providing for their family/selves? We as women should be supporting each-other in these strides to create a world in which we CAN work from home to provide more time for our families without out-sourcing for care on a full-time basis. Not down-playing it, making it seem silly or traverse. Us women ARE the business – we are the consumers, it’s about time we become the boomers, shakers and shapers. To be taken seriously and with respect for our ability to DO IT ALL.
While Ms. M did give mommy bloggers props for having a powerful hold on the corporate world, ‘as a cultural force to be reckoned with’, the overall tone of her article was more than a tad condescending. Tsk, Tsk, too bad she didn’t really think about her target audience before writing up that little diddy. The response on the interweb today has been explosive. Never mess with, ‘over 23 million’, momma bears most of whom are smart as hell and right.on.the.money.
I shall continue to read, respond (non-novel style) and build my brand/business/blog part in thanks to the powerful, inspiration that is YOU. I have to go now and stir the home-made apple asparagus soup on the stove and throw my cloth diapers in the dryer.
Her Bad Mother Reply:
March 16th, 2010 at 8:13 pm
“Why is it that when men have the brash and sass to develop a business, build a brand – whatever type that may be – they are considered smart, intelligent, dedicated individuals providing for their family/selves?”
EXACTLY. EXACTLY.
Mar 16, 2010
[...] She Is Vast, And She Contains Multitudes, And She Also Sometimes Throws Her Bra | Her Bad Mother [...]
Mar 16, 2010
Social comments and analytics for this post…
This post was mentioned on Twitter by herbadmother: On SXSW and bra-throwing and sippy-cup cocktails and that whole NYT thing: http://bit.ly/a7OToF **KERBLAM**…
Mar 16, 2010
From one (fledgling) blogger-who-is-a-mother-and-trained-philosopher to another, BRAVO!
Fuck that shit indeed.
Kristen´s last blog ..Aunt Jemima Sez: DRINK UP!
Mar 16, 2010
Thank you for the first non-angry reaction to the NYT article. I’m a new blogger,and my blog has taken me out of a severe depression. I am having a ball making new friends and finding out about this world I wish I’d been a part of for a long time before now. I so hope to have more of an advocacy approach like you and make some small impact on the world.
I went on a vlog about this, read the hundreds of emails and everyone seems so angry. I certainly understand – the NY Times was condescending, but we should look it as a reason to prove them wrong even more.
holly fink´s last blog ..New Kid’s Show for Jewish Children by Creators of "Sesame Street"
Mar 16, 2010
Hairs. Standing. On. End.
Katherine from Postpartum Progress´s last blog ..LA County Perinatal Mental Health Task Force Featured in LA Times
Mar 16, 2010
Being serious does not mean people will take you seriously. Being smart and quick and insightful – like you, and like this post – DOES.
And personally, I like to drink my margaritas straight from the pitcher.
Julie @ The Mom Slant´s last blog ..Politicians make me feel like a better person
Mar 16, 2010
What I want to know is what do guys get their panties all up in a wad about? not receiving their daily blow job?
Women on the other hand aren’t supposed to talk about not wanting to give that blow job because well, it’s so ‘unlady like.” and hell, if we have to add that we need to get drunk before performing such duty well, we are just plain going to hell.
Her Bad Mother Reply:
March 17th, 2010 at 9:08 am
I congratulate you for finding a way to bring blow jobs into the equation
Mar 16, 2010
[...] She Is Vast, And She Contains Multitudes, And She Also Sometimes … [...]
Mar 16, 2010
[...] She is Vast, And She Contains Multitudes (Her Bad Mother): Catherine writes about how the important advocacy work she is doing for her sick nephew Tanner was belittled in the article, about how diverse mothers are, and also about the silliness of the big (male-dominated) SXSW conference that she just attended. [...]
Mar 16, 2010
if it’s any consulation, i don’t read the NYT on line or off regularly at all, but i do read mommy blogs regularly, like every day.
Mar 16, 2010
I love this piece. Yes, I think the NY Times was dismissive. I love that you say you are not a mother “primarily”. Your voice is sassy and irreverent! You’re doing the right thing here.
You might like my blog, too…
http://ecofeminism-mothering.blogspot.com/
I’m talking about cancer, mothering, environmentalism.
Mar 16, 2010
I love your response, and I agree that the NYT article was dismissive and condescending and misogynistic–at the hands of another woman, another blogger, another mother.
And the “in response to” by the author sounded more like back pedaling than a true recognition of how her words cut some people out here in the blogosphere. The tone of the original article was not “light”, it was mocking and condescending. That’s not recognized by the author and that bothers me.
sarah´s last blog ..Sick Day
Her Bad Mother Reply:
March 17th, 2010 at 9:10 am
I agree. And, as I said, her response about it being ‘light’ was itself problematic – it’s the very fact that our work is treated as ‘light’ and ‘cute’ and ‘charming’ that is the problem.
You’d never see anyone cooing about charming Darren Rowse/Problogger is while he’s at conferences, or speculating about who’s looking after his kids.
Mar 16, 2010
Well done Catherine. And I really like that you managed to work Bugs Bunny into your post. Silly yes, but total bonus points in my book.
Boston Mamas´s last blog ..Aquarium To Go
Mar 16, 2010
Well, I didn’t think I had it in me to read one more post about this topic. What, after all, could possibly be added that hasn’t already been said. But you took one of the two things that needled at me (sippy cups, paper hats, etc) and clarified it beautifully.
It’s been a long time since I had a straight job, but when I first went to went in an office in Toronto in the late eighties, the women had to be ten times the men their men colleagues were. You couldn’t be feminine and succeed. I don’t know how it is in the corporate world now; it made for a very grey atmosphere then.
I love your “silly” manifesto. And you’re right. As I said on Mom101’s post, we don’t usually hear about the shenanigans at other industry events. I’m sure the guys are all business, all the time.
Bravo, my dear. xo
Her Bad Mother Reply:
March 17th, 2010 at 9:11 am
“silly manifesto” YES.
I hereby dub this the Silly Manifesto.
(And, hell, the shenanigans at SXSW Interactive? It was ALL shenanigans. And BlogWorld is in Vegas. SHENANIGANS CENTRAL. But we never hear about those shenanigans. Because it’s the MENS.)
Mar 16, 2010
You said this so damn well. I’ve been proud to be a mom who blogs this week.
Katy´s last blog ..One of Those Days
Mar 16, 2010
I have a friend who is a SAHM and I have told her over and over that a)I could not do the job she does and b) that her job is much more difficult than any job I’ve ever had.
I’m disappointed in the article and I’m disappointed that they missed the opportunity to do something HELPFUL in regards to Tanner.
MsDarkstar´s last blog ..Overhaulin/Spring Cleaning
Mar 16, 2010
You make me proud to be a mommy blogger! Well done.
Colleen´s last blog ..My Little Gymnast
Mar 16, 2010
Perfection. Period.
Mar 16, 2010
OK, I love the update EVEN MORE.
Tasha´s last blog ..Pesto Tortellini with Chicken and Veggies
Mar 16, 2010
Her response bothered me because tone is everything and the way she handled things and the words she chose didn’t convey a “fun time.” She relied on stereotypes. Moms drive minivans . . . Moms sneak veggies in their kids’ food . . . Moms write blogs. This isn’t a trend like veggie sneaking for heaven’s sake. I’ve been blogging since 2002 (not in my current location).
I found her response more disappointing because she doesn’t seem to understand that she relied on stereotypes and stereotypes are what we all try to fight.
You’ve done a beautiful job with this post. I love it!
Beth´s last blog ..Twelve Years Old
Mar 16, 2010
People really don’t like to hear about moms doing things other than folding laundry or watching soaps. One Mom is Every Mom and Every Mom is My Mom and next thing you know, I’m picturing My Mom doing a strip tease pole dance and ARRRRRRGGGGGGH!
That’s why people want to keep Mommy in a corner.
Because if Many Moms are saying that they aren’t quite entirely happy being in a corner, than maybe My Mom wasn’t either. Intellectually, I know it has nothing to do with unconditional love, but who knows nowadays?
You Moms. With your Thoughts. And your Complaints. And your Anger. And your Silliness. And your (*gasp!*) Sex. Please to remain the Angel In The House and not make my mind explode.
Jozet at Halushki´s last blog ..10 Important Life Lessons I Need To Teach My Kids
Mar 16, 2010
I read your entry, then the author’s entry, then the article, then the comments on this entry. And I tried my hardest to see what everybody else was seeing in the article, but nothing in there really made me jump on whatever bandwagon you ladies are all on. The author’s tone was light, and if you read it right it was on the demeaning “aww how cute” side, but I could also read it as a piece on the growth of “mommy-bloggers” and their growing impact on advertising. I also read a few nods to the women who have used their blogs as business opportunities and ventures (like having a big-name car company loan you a car for a cross-country roadtrip*), rather than solely for the community aspect (not that there’s anything wrong with it).
Not sure what the point of this post is. I don’t have kids (yet) nor a blog although I do read quite a few blogs of varying subjects and authors. I just feel like everyone should quit ganging up on the “big bad NY Times” and everybody who tries to demean or dismiss women.
*For what it’s worth, I think you should write a piece on the car and the roadtrip and the cause (or there’s a blog post that details everything, I don’t have time to check your archives) and send it to the NY Times. Because yes that is a cause that should be acknowledged and the NY Times could be a powerful force to help that cause be promoted.
Her Bad Mother Reply:
March 17th, 2010 at 11:06 am
Yeah, well, I’m already getting shit for “harping” on the road trip, so. Still sorting out what to do about that.
Her Bad Mother Reply:
March 17th, 2010 at 11:13 am
“The author’s tone was light, and if you read it right it was on the demeaning “aww how cute” side”
This is entirely the problem. The NYT keeps publishing pieces on women blogging that do exactly this, and they keep putting them in the Style section, and by doing so keep implying that women working online is a charming thing that earns us all a pat on the head. You will never, ever see an article about male bloggers that points out what they wear or what they drink or how they party or who’s looking after their kids, and you will never see ‘men blogging’ singled out as a trend. Because, duh. It’s not – any more than is WOMEN blogging.
Rachel Reply:
March 17th, 2010 at 9:38 pm
I don’t read the NY Times at all so I don’t want to comment on how many pieces they publish about that, as far as I knew it was just the one. They should put one in the Business section, because although I see how it is, in a way, a “cultural trend” (in the same way I view iPhones, and the Internet, and skinny jeans as cultural trends because they are trends of our culture, right?) blogging itself is also a fairly new concept that keeps growing and growing and it seems to me that people (perhaps newspapers who are seeing their business and revenues falling?) are still figuring out what to do with it. That’s my (somewhat uneducated) theory, feel free to take it with a grain of salt, and maybe a margarita to go with that salt? The world could use some more tequila.
P.S. In my last comment I absolutely DID NOT mean to give you any type of shit whatsoever for the Tanner comment. I think that the article-writer should have touched more on the subject as well as how bloggers are using their platform to help spread awareness of things such as dying children who have uncurable diseases that some of us have never heard of. I am so so sorry if anything I said about Tanner came off in a negative light.
Mar 16, 2010
[...] THIS article hit the stands…the ire of many many women and mother bloggers out there, including myself too was raised a fair [...]
Mar 17, 2010
Catherine, I just want to chime in to say how much I enjoy your discourse, always, and today especially.
Ginger´s last blog ..Tempus fugit
Mar 17, 2010
I love this…I’m not a mom blogger but I support all of them 100% and think that article was junk in the NY Times!
Amanda´s last blog ..My vegetarian adventure
Mar 17, 2010
Did you link to the wrong Times article?
Because the one I read was nothing like what you describe. You invented the snide undertone because it certainly was not there. The entire thrust of the article was how legitimate and big business mommy blogging has become.
The title – which the writer does not create – could, possibly be interpreted as a slight, if you are looking for one. Or it could be interpreted as “blogging = something equally important like doing the taxes or making dinner or whatever other reason you’d give your kid to not bother you now.”
Seriously, stop looking to take offense and stop whipping others into an angry froth. We don’t need more angry mobs on the internet.
Her Bad Mother Reply:
March 17th, 2010 at 11:01 am
The entire thrust of the article was that this is a cute ‘trend’ – look what the mommies are doing! – and it’s only the latest in more than a few such articles the NYT has run since 2006 (which, that’s a long trend, no?) The only references to the bigger ‘business’ of blogging were dismissive and coupled with a implied raised eyebrow about the ethics of reviews and giveaways.
As I’ve said more than a few times, the whole problem is this: women/moms blog, and make money off of blogging, and outlets like the Times publish light trend pieces about it, pieces that draw attention to mimosas in sippy cups and make comparisons to slumber parties. Coverage of male bloggers pays no attention to the parties they go to or what they wear while blogging or who’s taking care of their kids while they do business – because these things are rightly seen as IRRELEVANT.
We just want to arrive at a place where what we do is not seen a trend, or as something “charming” (the words of the writer of the piece, in her follow-up post), or something notable for its gendered quality. I don’t know why that is so hard for some to grasp, or why it’s seen as silly or trouble-making to demand that.
Mar 17, 2010
Oh, and by the way, this post as long as the other self-righteously angry posts taking offense at nothing are exactly the kind of thing that people use to make fun of mommy bloggers. You have all set back your cause.
Her Bad Mother Reply:
March 17th, 2010 at 11:02 am
Right, because articulating disagreement is SO second-wave feminist.
I’ll just go back to baking cupcakes then.
Cathy Reply:
March 17th, 2010 at 11:30 am
Wonderful post Catherine! It is really too bad that the haters can’t ariculate themselves a bit better! Do you even have children Lisa? Write a Blog? Attempt to work from home and juggle it all? It is NOT a lifestyle “trend!” Seriously! I find it quite insulting that you would consider Catherine’s response to the article on HER blog a way of angering others! That happened when the article was written, long before this response was written!
Cathy´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday – Cliffs of Moher – Ireland
Mar 17, 2010
First of all – well written and well said.
My perspective.
I was at an event in NY, and it wasn’t a blogging event per se, but it was an event where 2 writers turned bloggers were speaking, so a lot of bloggers showed up. I knew no one, wasn’t there to meet/network/socialize. I was there to see an author.
But, I started talking to people and the topic of blogging came up. And it was weird to me because these women defined themselves as “socialite bloggers” (who knew?) and asked if I had a blog. It never even occurred to me that I wasn’t hip enough for them.
I was all “well, it’s a mommy blog, but I’ve been changing it a bit … and it’s pretty small. Oh, and I’m from Toronto.” (cuz I ramble when I’m nervous.)
And they were so condescending.
I mean, I was totally into what they were talking about. And interested. And then I got completely brushed off.
It was so weird – and a little disconcerting. And then I started reading what they had to say on Twitter (about me, the event, the blogger in question, etc)and I read their blogs. And the thing is, you’ve put more content in one post than all of them combined.
And, the thing is, a lot of the mommy blogs I read are about so much than being a mom. But, why shake the identity of being a mom?
If the Times doesn’t get it, then so what?
(well, except the Tanner part.)
LD´s last blog ..Irish
Her Bad Mother Reply:
March 17th, 2010 at 11:04 am
Oddly, no-one at SXSW treated me with condescension for being a mom-blogger, with perhaps that one exception of the person who advised me to not say I was a mom-blogger. Women can be their own worst enemies.
Mar 17, 2010
This article has induced an uproar (justifiably so), which really does speak to far biggger, deep rooted issues…
http://www.jenmen.com/2010/03/about-that-new-york-times-piece.html?showComment=1268838349100#c4539976646988174282
Mar 17, 2010
Having nothing to do with this post, which was magnificant, but how do I lose that damn “I’m moving my blog” page that you posted months ago? It loads every time I go to your site before the right one does. The kids’ haiar has grown 6 inches since then and the kid probably has too.
Her Bad Mother Reply:
March 17th, 2010 at 4:30 pm
oh, dude, I have no idea. are you coming directly to herbadmother.com? or following a link to the old url?
Mar 17, 2010
[...] wonder why I get testy about mom-bloggers – about women who blog, generally, who share their stories and open up the space of discourse [...]
Mar 18, 2010
“And we need to start by not denying any part of who we collectively are, not only as moms, but as women…and by demanding that all these parts of who we collectively are be taken seriously.”
I may not agree with you on some issues, ever go to conferences, or even want the same things out of blogging that you do. But as a mother and a blogger, the NYT article still makes my head explode. I am happy to join you in protesting its publication. Thanks for this post.
Juli Ryan´s last blog ..I’m overwhelmed.
Mar 18, 2010
Hmmm… this is a tough one for me, because I admire you tremendously, I think you’re brilliant and bright and often right on the point.
(And I’m a mom and a blogger, as well as someone who deals with serious issues on their blog as well as the usual silliness).
But I don’t really understand how anyone (and you’re not alone) can think the NYT is obligated to acknowledge the importance of moms blogging, or any other media channel at all. I mean, don’t we all publish our own blogs because we can post whatever we want, whenever we want? And aren’t we, as online media, part of a major force working to destroy the mainstream and print media? Why should we expect their respect?
If they want to do a series of light pieces, that’s their prerogative.
Second, they did point out a number of negative impressions of mommy bloggers, but those ideas are reinforced and MAJORLY publicized by mommy bloggers themselves. At BlogHer I groaned every time I heard another alcohol-related blog title or Twitter handle. There were DOZENS. It’s embarrassing. Yes, you’re allowed to have fun, and define professionalism for yourselves, but don’t act surprised when people listen. All the things people have complained about as the author’s “opinions” were actually observations of real behavior and yes, brands.
I wouldn’t have expected the Times to provide a link to your Disney/dystrophy project. That is blogger etiquette and they are not a blog. The Times DID provide the full name of the disease, and honestly, between sporadic reading of your blog and tweets, it wasn’t quite clear to me how Tanner, Disney, Ford, Tiarathon, and dystrophy fit together nor did I know the full name of Tanner’s disease.
If you want the Times to be more bloggy, I might want your blog to be more Times-y. I mean, I’m pretty smart, but a sidebar that summarizes an ongoing important project would be helpful.
Full respect for what you do in all ways — but I think this is a framing issue. You do what you do excellently, and the Times does what they do, and perhaps the twain are not yet meeting. Perhaps they never should.
I adore you for what you do, and I think the Times is still relevant, even if they aren’t kowtowing to us and our power appropriately. May they never do so. There’s room for your voice and their authority (and they get to have a voice too, and you get to have some authority, too).
Long live constructive, vivid, personal dialog between opposites, and friends.
Best,
Supa
Supa Dupa Fresh´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday: (I have no idea)