Nothing Gold Can Stay
Jasper is two years old today. Two years old. It doesn’t seem possible that so much time has passed since he was born. It doesn’t seem possible that so little time has passed since he was born. It doesn’t seem possible that this baby…
… this sweet-faced cherub with the heart-crunchingly dimpled cheeks…
… has become this boy – this precious boy – who is still so much baby, and yet, so not.
Ah, my heart.
I celebrate this day and sing this day, but this day, this day, it squeezes my heart – it squeezes it hard, it squeezes it relentlessly – because I know that after this day comes another day, and then another, and then another, and soon he will be three and then he will be four and then he will be fourteen and then forty and even though he will always be my baby he will not always be this baby, this boy, this chubby-legged sprite with the sparkling eyes and the gap-toothed smile and the ever-present smudge of crud in his dimple.
And I will miss this baby, this boy. I will miss him so much. Even though I know – I know – that I will love every moment of the man he will become, and even though I know that I have all the years of his boyhood ahead of me, my heart aches for the loss of him, the inevitable, ongoing loss as he walks his pace – steadier and steadier – away from me.
Happy birthday, baby. These are happy tears, really.
Posted by Her Bad Mother on May 18, 2010
Filed under: Mush, jasper
Tags: birthdays, god I can be so depressing
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."What is done out of love always takes place beyond good and evil." (Nietzsche, Aphorism 153, Beyond Good And Evil.) Not, unfortunately, beyond Dora dolls that shout 'WE DID IT!' when you step on them, but you learn to cope with that.
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© 2010 • Her Bad Mother • All Rights Reserved
May 18, 2010
What a Blondie, Mc Blonde cuteface! My boy turned two recently too, and it gave me a foolish fleeting bout of baby fever. And then I *remembered* and there is not enough ativan in all the land. So I’m with you on the mourning of his babyhood. Even if his toddlerhood is cute as hell.
Catherine Reply:
May 21st, 2010 at 7:15 pm
@britt, I’ve been going through that IN-EFFING-SANE bout of baby fever. As you say, there’s not enough Ativan in all the land, but gaaaaaah. BABIES!
Catherine´s last blog ..Neverland
May 18, 2010
Happy Birthday Jasper!
Mandi Bone´s last blog ..Evie’s First Week of School
May 18, 2010
Happy birthday to your adorable little boy!
pamela´s last blog ..Too many rants to title
May 18, 2010
Ouch. Happy birthday, Sir J.
patois´s last blog ..You Make My Heart Sing
Her Bad Mother Reply:
May 18th, 2010 at 1:35 pm
I think that I might need to start calling him ‘Sir J.’
May 18, 2010
*Sniffle.* I love this. You wrote before about mourning the passage of the baby stages, even as you’re excited about the newest one. That’s it, motherhood. Such a constant state of pure joy and bittersweet holding on to those fleeting moments. He’s gorgeous, your boy. Happy birthday, Jasper!
Roberta´s last blog ..For Hudson
Catherine Reply:
May 18th, 2010 at 10:34 pm
I’m so mourning the passing of this stage, almost to the point of not anticipating the next. I need to shake it off a bit.
Catherine´s last blog ..Nothing Gold Can Stay
May 18, 2010
Catherine you have such a way with expressing things I feel about my kids! My middle daughter is now two and I want to freeze her the way she is right now and never let her age a single second more. She is just such a delight every single second every single day, and I don’t think I’ll survive her growing out of this stage.
May 18, 2010
This, I get. These tears, I’ve cried (and will again).
May 18, 2010
Thanks for the beautiful post. I think the same thing about my darling girl on a regular basis, but the birthdays bring it much more clearly into focus.
On a slightly different note, has it really been that long since frankenvulva?
D.´s last blog ..Out of the Mouths of Babes
Her Bad Mother Reply:
May 18th, 2010 at 11:42 am
it HAS been that long since Frankenvulva, although sadly, for me, that was a gift that keeps on giving.
May 18, 2010
Oh man…now I’m crying – mine is about to be two and on that day, I want to link to this, say ‘ditto’ and add my own pictures because it’s EXACTLY how I feel…to a ‘t’….Happy Bday Jasper!
May 18, 2010
Aw, I know how you feel. You put it into words the way I couldn’t. I thought I was being weird or something, every time I pass the newborn picture of my daughter I miss that baby so desperately. But I love, love, love the baby she is now too. So, yeah, I guess all mothers have that feeling, huh?
Thank you for sharing.
Jen´s last blog ..Thinking. Writing. Wondering.
May 18, 2010
OH….two is my absolute favorite age. I mourn for two (mine is five), even though the phase we’re is fascinating (the conversations!). I miss the pudge and the total sweetness.
Her Bad Mother Reply:
May 18th, 2010 at 2:32 pm
The pudge! It’s the pudge that I fear losing. And the coos of ‘mama mama mama.’ And his little baby bum.
Chrissy Reply:
May 18th, 2010 at 2:40 pm
@Her Bad Mother, Mine is starting to get the skinny white guy bum. I’m blaming his Swedish descended father, because he certainly didn’t get it from me.
Catherine Reply:
May 18th, 2010 at 10:35 pm
“skinny white guy bum”: laughing, and trembling in fear.
Catherine´s last blog ..Nothing Gold Can Stay
Chrissy Reply:
May 19th, 2010 at 1:31 am
@Catherine, You should tremble! It’s prophetic and strange to see your baby boy slowly morph into the boys you went to Junior High with. Next he’ll want a Camaro.
May 18, 2010
Happy Birthday to your adorable little guy! It’s hard to watch them grow up so fast…but so, so worth it.
May 18, 2010
I hear you! My son is a freshman in high school, and I’ve really, really, really missed his early years. More this year than in the past, because he is so close to being gone. Enjoy every minute!
May 18, 2010
Yes, yes yes… I know exactly how you feel. Illy’s third birthday just went by and now every time I look at her, I see a GIRL. Not a baby, not a toddler… a girl. And it breaks my heart and makes me happy and incredibly grateful at the same time. You wrote it just perfectly. Thanks. And happy birthday to your sweet little blonde boy!
Jaden´s last blog ..Spring Is Finally Here!
Catherine Reply:
May 20th, 2010 at 3:37 pm
@Jaden, it’s that exactly – seeing the BOY in him. I already have one whole GIRL in Emilia – seeing this BOY just freaks me out. In a good way, but still.
Catherine´s last blog ..Nobody, Not Even The Rain, Has Such Small Hands
May 18, 2010
This is a beautiful post – I could have written it myself, but not nearly so eloquently. My daughter turned two just last week, and I too am grieving for the baby years, even as I look forward to the “little girl” years.
May 18, 2010
Beautifully written and tugs at my heart too…all so true.
Amy´s last blog ..Goodbye Worry, Hello Adventure
May 18, 2010
Yes, we’ll be there very soon, in just a couple of weeks. It’s funny because, for the last few months, I’ve been desperately trying to get speech therapy services for my nearly-two-year-old. But the fact that he can’t speak (not one word) also keeps him in the realm of babyhood a little, which I secretly enjoy, I have to admit.
FreeRange Pamela´s last blog ..Making Mild, Creamy Yogurt at Home
Her Bad Mother Reply:
May 18th, 2010 at 1:57 pm
Jasper was slow to speak, and I had exactly that feeling, that little secret feeling of contentment that I could hold onto his babyness just a little longer. *SIGH*
May 18, 2010
wow, i can’t believe i’ve been hanging around here for two years! he’s gorgeous. i mourn the loss of another day with my babies each and every night. but i also look forward to the great things on the horizon.
fantastic post.
happy birthday jasper!
xo
MommyNamedApril´s last blog ..Where Do They Come Up With This Stuff? Surely Not From Me.
May 18, 2010
Happy B-day Jasper!
liz´s last blog ..You must be dressed to play DS
May 18, 2010
Happy Birthday Jasper! He is so incredibly adorable…isn’t it amazing how watching them grow up is so rewarding yet heartwrenching at once?
I needed a smile today (it’s my birthday, too, but a tough one) and Jasper’s cute little photos brought one to my lips. So thank you.
Kat´s last blog ..Firsts
Her Bad Mother Reply:
May 18th, 2010 at 7:24 pm
Aw, thank you.
And happy, happy birthday
May 18, 2010
aww. happy birthday, beautiful boy.
my boys lost their pudge so long ago. in my older it’s been replaced by pimples and, soon, braces. in five years he’ll be gone.
it goes so very fast.
sarah´s last blog ..last dance
Her Bad Mother Reply:
May 19th, 2010 at 7:25 am
AGH. They DO get braces, don’t they?
May 18, 2010
Happy Birthday, Little Man!
He’s so cute! Two was such a great age. I am liking each age as we go along but sometimes I wish I could freeze time.
mapsgirl´s last blog ..Shuffle and Stuff
May 18, 2010
What a wonderful post! Brought tears to my eyes. I can so relate. Mine is 16 months and growing WAY too fast! It kills me. I want to pause time.
May 18, 2010
Oh, the tears! My husband thinks I’m crazy when I say that I wish I could freeze our daughter right now, at almost 8 months old and keep her this smiley happy baby forever. It’s lovely to know I’m not the only one who feels this way. Happy Birthday Jasper!
May 18, 2010
I completely understand. Every time I look at my darling boy and hunt for that hint of dimple left in his face and I am left with nothing but burgeoning BO I just sigh.
Another Suburban Mom´s last blog ..Friday Foodie-Brown Bag Challenge Postponed
May 18, 2010
Oh, C. I hear you. Hudson will be two in 10 days and it’s killing me.
Love this post. Love you guys! xo
sam temptingmama´s last blog ..Sued!
Her Bad Mother Reply:
May 19th, 2010 at 7:24 am
Ah, the May babies and the spring-maudlin mush they provoke!
May 18, 2010
Yup. I’m missing The Bun already, and he’s still only a wee 20 months, yet some days, losing the baby in leaps and bounds. When his running stops looking more like scampering, his words become clearer, and his cheeks less round, well, it’s a good thing I had my tubes tied so I can’t give in to the temptation to capture that again for another little fleeting while.
kittenpie´s last blog ..I *promise* this won’t become The Bun’s Sleep Log Blog, but…
Her Bad Mother Reply:
May 19th, 2010 at 7:23 am
And we had the man parts snipped, so that settles that for us, too, although don’t think that I don’t have moments of almost-regret…
May 19, 2010
Ah, this just broke me in two. I have a this baby, this boy who is racing towards 4. Didn’t I just lie in a hospital bed, holding him? *sigh*
Happy Birthday, Jasper.
Happy Birth Day, Catherine.
Catherine Reply:
May 20th, 2010 at 3:38 pm
@Lotus / Sarcastic Mom, and now I’m sobbing. WE LAY IN A HOSPITAL BED TOOOOOO!
Catherine´s last blog ..Nobody, Not Even The Rain, Has Such Small Hands
May 19, 2010
[...] Their Bad Mother « Previous [...]
May 19, 2010
Happy Birthday sweet Jasper! My goodness, but he is a cutie!
And yes, they grow so fast. I look at my two, who are 5 and 2 now, and see both the path ahead of us and the one we’ve already walked. And I cry a bit for the babies we’ve left behind. I’m excited about them growing up and changing. But I do wish they’d do it a little more slowly. So much so, that my 5 year old says, “I know Mom…I’m growing as slowly as I can.”
May Jasper grow as slowly as possible too.
Laura (Nahbee)´s last blog ..Appreciating
Her Bad Mother Reply:
May 20th, 2010 at 2:35 pm
May they grow slowly. Ah, yes. Thank you.
May 19, 2010
Happy birthday Jasper. I’m watching the babyhood slip away too – 6 months ahead of Jasper, Callum is really stretching out and losing the last of the baby pudge. I kind of like that he’s still in diapersn and still likes his milk in his sippy cups. At least I have that.
Her Bad Mother Reply:
May 20th, 2010 at 2:34 pm
I’m kind of clinging to the diapers and the sippy cups and the binkies. I’m going to mess this kid up, for sure.
May 19, 2010
You’ve put that into words so well.
Happy birthday to your baby!
Colleen – Mommy Always Wins´s last blog ..Small children are really just tiny insane people.
May 19, 2010
Happy Birthday to your boy.
What you express in this post, it’s exactly why mamas’ hearts (and daddies’ hearts, too) are made so strong.
red pen mama´s last blog ..Lost: What They Died For
Her Bad Mother Reply:
May 20th, 2010 at 2:34 pm
so why does my heart not feel so strong? *sniffle*
May 19, 2010
It’s crazy how fast time goes and how fleeting childhood is. Not for them, of course; for them, it’s eternal, but for us, it’s gone.
Marinka´s last blog ..White Flag Waving
May 20, 2010
I wonder sometimes, how a mother’s heart survives the squeezing, the pounding, the kicking.
I wonder how we manage to get through days, knowing one day we lose them. One day, they won’t be there every morning to greet our day. One day they’ll have lives of their own and will wonder themselves how it is possible to love someone so much.
avasmommy´s last blog ..Dear Avacakes: The Better Late Than Never Edition
May 21, 2010
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May 21, 2010
Beautifully said!
But Catherine, how on Earth did he get to be TWO? Simply impossible! And simply inevitable, I suppose.
Also, happy birthday to you!
caramama´s last blog ..He’s Also Working on Newton’s Laws of Motion
Catherine Reply:
May 21st, 2010 at 7:16 pm
@caramama, THIS IS MY QUESTION.
HOW did he get to be two? IS NOT POSSIBLE.
Catherine´s last blog ..Neverland
May 22, 2010
Ahhh, it’s not fair. Suddenly your posts about babies and boys growing up into bigger boys and men leave me sitting at my dining room table in tears.
Happy Birthday Jasper!
Assertagirl´s last blog ..Nate loves the ladies.
Her Bad Mother Reply:
May 22nd, 2010 at 3:31 pm
Well, it wouldn’t do for me to have go through this alone, would it?
May 23, 2010
Superb info!! Thanks to the OP !! Props on a nice site.
May 24, 2010
[...] a holiday today here in Canadialand, and I’m still off the grid, except to post pictures of birthday – birthdays, plural – debauchery and to weep pitifully about the end of Lost. So. As [...]
May 27, 2010
My baby girl turns two next week…. this was such a beautiful post!! Thank you for sharing such an adorable little boy!!
May 27, 2010
My little baby boy is now 26 years old and my heart ached with you as I read your post. As a boy grows he pulls away from his mother- especially after they get to be about 12 yrs old. Treasure these years with your blonde haired angel.
May 31, 2010
Well, it wouldn’t do for me to have go through this alone, would it?
Jun 4, 2010
I hear you! I cling to the last shreds of babydom in my 2 year old. I now know why people are tempted to have a gazillion children ;o)
Zoey @ Good Goog´s last blog ..Out of the Cone of Silence
Jun 6, 2010
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Jun 7, 2010
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Jun 7, 2010
[...] just turned two. Two years old. Two years have passed since he came into our lives, since we went from three to [...]