Love Lifts Us Up

June 18, 2012

On the day before Father’s Day, I stood on top of one of the Rocky mountains, and I thought about my dad, who loved the Rockies, and who would have loved to have stood atop one. And I thought, too, about how so many of my experiences are colored by his absence, by his total absence, by the impossibility of his presence, which is what death is, really. The cessation of possibility. My husband was also absent from that mountain, as was my son, and my mother, and my sister, and everyone else that I love in life, but it wasn’t their absence that distracted me, and made my heart ache. There’s always the possibility that I will stand atop a mountain with my husband, my son, my mom – it is within my power, in fact, to make real this possibility – but there is no such possibility with my dad. All possibility is gone. We will climb no mountains together.

And that’s okay. Mostly. It does make my heart ache, as I said. And it does color Father’s Day, every year. But it also reminds me to make the most of the possibilities that I still have with everyone that I love who is here. It reminded me, this weekend, on that mountain, that that moment with Emilia was special in ways that she’ll probably not appreciate for years and years and years, and that it was all the more special, to me, for that. She and I stood atop a mountain, and in that moment, the world was all about possibility, and we will always, always have that. I’ll always have that.

Thank you, Dad, for reminding me. Happy Father’s Day.

 

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    { 2 comments }

    Beth June 20, 2012 at 10:54 am

    Y’all made me tear up. I so understand your feelings. I lost my father 20 years ago and I still miss him every day. I miss talking with him, sharing what’s happening in my life with him, learning from him. It’s still an ache. But there is also such joy at having a father who meant that much to me. Who was so integral to my life and who helped form who I am. How lucky am I?

    sherri June 21, 2012 at 6:40 am

    Thanks for writing this. I have the same “issue, problem, situation”. Even though I am not a religious person- I like to think that my Dad is watching me….perhaps if I stand on the top of a mountain- he could see me a little more clearly.

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