A Brother By Any Other Name

May 1, 2009

My brother, he has a name, a real name, a name that was given to him by the man and woman who became his true parents, a name that carried him through childhood and adolescence and high school and on into adulthood, a name that he probably learned to write by tracing its letters in pencil on lined scribblers, a name that he he probably scrawled on desktops and in the backs of math textbooks, a name that he has no doubt signed on countless cheques and contracts and letters. He has a name. It is not the name my mother gave him.

I know this name, now. Knowing this name makes feel both closer to him, and further away. Closer, because knowing his name will help me find him. Further away, because it is the name of a stranger, and sometimes I forget that it is a stranger I am looking for. A stranger who might have no idea that he has a birth sister (sisters), and a birth mother whose heart aches when she thinks of him. A stranger who might not care.

I have to remind myself that this story might not have a happy ending. I have to remind myself that, sometimes, an unhappy ending is better than no ending at all.

And so I press on.

I won’t be sharing his name here. I had thought that I might, thinking that people publish classified ads all the time, looking for lost family, lost friends, lost strangers. But this space isn’t a classified ad, and because he is a stranger – with name and a life that are all his own – I need to keep his name out of my story. If you have an opinion on this, either way, I’d love to hear it. The temptation to post his name was strong – someone, somewhere, knows him, and among the many visitors to this blog there must be some degree of connection to him – and although I believe that the decision to keep his name private is right, I’d love to hear what everybody else thinks. I want to do what is right. I also kinda want to talk it out.

Another question – because I am lost here, and your support and advice have done much to light my way so far – once one has narrowed down some possibilities – by name, and not just by the guesswork I was doing the other week – how does one approach a stranger with a story like this? How does one say, I found you by this name; were you once called by another name? Does one write? Does one call? Does one message via Facebook? Does one send word by carrier pigeon?

I’m lost.

(Note: if anyone is mean in the comments, like last time – and by mean I don’t mean critical – you’re allowed to give your honest opinion, even if you think I might not like it. I mean MEAN – I will close comments again. This topic is too sensitive for me. I want feedback, but don’t tell me that you think I’m a selfish, insensitive attention-whore for telling this story.)

(Oh, and? My computer problems are soon to be rectified. HP thought that my circumstances represented a great opportunity – because they are interested in simplifying moms’ lives, and I am a mom whose life became, with the death of her computer, very complicated – for me to roadtest, on a lending basis, one of their new notebooks. Which is kind of poetic, because it was an HP notebook that Jasper murdered. So it’s kind of like getting a Labradoodle puppy to replace your old Labradoodle who died when the baby pushed him off the couch. Sort of. If that Labradoodle puppy were just on loan and was wireless compatible.)

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    { 133 comments }

    Goddess in Progress May 1, 2009 at 10:42 am

    I wish you luck with your search, but I would agree that it’s inappropriate to post his name on your blog until you have his express permission to do so. Just a straight privacy thing.

    I hope the story has a happy ending for all involved. But in the meantime, his privacy needs to be protected from the general public.

    Chelsea May 1, 2009 at 10:43 am

    Just wanted to share an inspirational story with you. My husband’s best friend was adopted as a baby, and recently decided to find his birth mother. He signed up with a registry, and as luck would have it, his mom was registered. Long story short, she was 16, never had any other kids, never married, and had been waiting all her life to re-connect with her son. They have a great relationship now, they celebrate holidays together as a family, they have so much in common that it is scary. I know not all adoptive parents and children are this lucky – but just know that there are a lot of happy endings out there. I hope your brother will be as excited to connect with your family.

    Carrie May 1, 2009 at 10:43 am

    I’m sure you have a lot of readers who have some sort of experience in this area and can give you advice about contacting your brother. From my perspective you are doing the right thing to keep his name off your blog. Adoption is a very strange thing and you never know how he will react to it. He might be fine with it, he might feel very violated if he knows you posted his story on a very popular blog that people who know him might read. I’d pursue all other avenues of finding him before publishing his name on your blog.

    areyoukiddingme May 1, 2009 at 10:47 am

    I agree with the other commentors – don’t put his name up until you are absolutely sure of two things. First, you need to know that you have the correct person. Second, you need to know that he wants it to be known that he has siblings and a birth mother. Otherwise, you are muddying the waters before you even get to meet him.

    I’m glad you’ve gotten some information though, and I hope your search proves beneficial to your whole family.

    Anna Marie May 1, 2009 at 10:56 am

    What a momentous thing – to find a brother you didn’t know you have…I agree that you shouldn’t post his name unless he is ok with it. Also, in answering your other question, I think to contact him you should write an honest-to-god letter and send it via snail mail. This seems to be a situation that calls for a real handwritten letter on nice stationery. I don’t know why I feel so strongly about that, as it is not something I’ve ever thought about before…

    Good luck with this. I hope your search goes well for everyone involved.

    K.Line May 1, 2009 at 10:57 am

    Wow! Fabulous update. My friend found her birth mother after her half sisters saw a reference to her documentary film in which she searches for her birth mother (surreal, I know). They emailed her and then her mother called her! All was caught on film (as part of her follow up documentary – even more surreal.)

    I think it’s entirely respectful (and the right thing to do) to keep your brother’s name out of your blog. While it may help you to make contact with him more quickly (which I”m confident you will have the opportunity to do, probably sooner than later), it could be construed by him as a major breech of privacy.

    And everyone has to respond to being found in his or her own way. If it isn’t all “textbook” happy negotiating a relationship with a new family member (who may not be as up for the ride as you are), in the long run you may prefer keeping some of the bigger details private at this time.

    Of course, just my perspective. K

    Her Bad Mother May 1, 2009 at 11:03 am

    Anonymous – I read your comment in e-mail, and wish that you hadn’t removed it, because it’s valuable to me – I *NEED* to know those insights to keep perspective.

    I will add this: there’s no no-contact or non-disclosure veto on the records that provided his name, and adoptees in BC are permitted to do that if they do NOT want to be found. That’s encouraging, I think.

    j May 1, 2009 at 11:04 am

    I agree that it’s best, if possible, to keep your brother’s name off the blog. It’s unclear from your post if you have his contact info. Personally I think writing is the best option – a call is so immediate; with a letter he will have time to process what you are saying and offering him.

    Good luck with all this. I’m rooting for a happy ending!

    Jaelithe May 1, 2009 at 11:06 am

    I think you’re doing the right thing keeping his name off the blog. That is respectful, since you don’t know his feelings.

    That said, if you have the name but haven’t confirmed the person yet (I’m not entirely clear on that from this post) it probably wouldn’t hurt to give the name privately to a few trustworthy people who would be willing to help you search (and would promise not to initiate any contact themselves, but just send you any information they have found). You have a lot on your plate, and I imagine you don’t have many hours to devote to search. Several people combing through the internet looking for confirming information would be better than one, right?

    Anyway, good luck. I have a feeling this story will have a happy ending.

    Major Bedhead May 1, 2009 at 11:12 am

    Ditto about leaving his name off the blog until you get his OK – it seems like the right thing to do and respects his privacy.

    I don’t have any experience in this arena, but I think the gentler the first contact, the better. Someone suggested a letter and I agree that’s probably the best way.

    This is very exciting news, although it gives me that swoopy stomach thing. I can’t imagine what it’s doing to you and your mother.

    litanyofbritt May 1, 2009 at 11:16 am

    okay so i was looking for my paternal family for YEARS! i ended up finding them by using those free internet people searches, and using what little i found in the yellow pages. eventually i whittled down a long list of wrong numbers to find my father’s mother. i was so surprised to have reached the right person by phone that i just blurted “hi i am brittainy. i’m your grandaughter.” and thus began a very surreal and internetty family reunion. turns out my dad wanted nothing to do with me, but the rest of his family had been waiting years for me to find them.
    if you haven’t already tried, do a facebook search with his full name, or just first and last. i would have found him ages ago if i had just put his middle name in a facebook search. who’d have thunk??
    keep trying and good luck!!

    Ella May 1, 2009 at 11:18 am

    a dear friend of mine was recently contacted by the son she gave up for adoption 27 years ago. she was thrilled that he had made the effort to locate and contact her but it was bittersweet as well. he wasn’t the man she would have raised him to be, no is he someone who she would really want to be a part of her life now. i think there was dissapointment for both that it didn’t have the fairytale happy ending that we have a tendancy to romanticize with situations like this.

    i wish you good luck and God’s blessings in your search. i hope that he is everything you and your family hope he is.

    Mrs.Chattypants May 1, 2009 at 11:18 am

    I too would refrain from posting his name. At least until you have personally met him and spent some time with him. I would definitely write a letter and send it through the mail. It offers more credibility in a time when there are many things sent via email and sometimes phone calls, that we are reluctant to take at face value. A letter also allows for both him and you to kind of digest the information and if you make the initial contact, it will leave the ball in his court. As you mentioned, he is not opposed to finding his birth mother, but it will probably take him by surprise. Best to let him contact you at his readiness.
    I wish you luck in your search and have my fingers,toes, legs and eyes crossed that everything will go smoothly for your family.

    Cynthia Samuels May 1, 2009 at 11:20 am

    I’m with everyone else about keeping his name to yourself for now. I can’t imagine how violated a person might feel, even if interested, at learning about his additional family that way. Any public version of his story should be told w/his permission only. I have a family member whom I used to quote – and she knows me – and I had to change her to “a friend” because even that much exposure was too much for her. She’s just that private. Some people just want to keep their lives to themselves.
    As to approach: I assume you are doing research about the nature of his life. If he has a wife and kids maybe a letter? Maybe enclose copies of a couple of your loveliest posts on the story? If he’s kind of alone maybe a phone call? If he’s not so far away maybe ask for a meeting?
    It’s a tough call. How wonderful though that you are far enough along to have to make these decisions! Thanks to the public library for keeping you online.

    Krystle | Snarky Kisses May 1, 2009 at 11:22 am

    I agree with everyone else, until you know for sure it’s him and have made contact at least once and he is okay for posting his name – then do it.

    I hope this all has a happy ending – someone from our home town was adopted, I’ll call her M, and her biological sister (let’s call her K) knew she had a sister out there (kind of like you searching for your brother) and K ended up searching for M and finding her, and K and M met for a while and it turns out, K and M’s mom never remarried, never had any more kids other than K, was pregnant at a young age and never knew where M was – also, the mom never had any grand kids and M had a daughter! Now they go on trips together, see each other regularily, etc.

    It’s fun to see pictures – they look so much alike – M, K and the mom!

    Jen May 1, 2009 at 11:26 am

    See I understand what people are saying by keeping his name off the blog. It feels like the right thing in this situation. Except, part of me wonders, you know this internet world is very connected and who hasn’t Googled their own name. And maybe it would lead to finding him. Or someone who reads this blog knows him and voila. Except, again, it feels like an invasion of his privacy. I think if time does not yield results, well, I personally would have a very difficult time keeping quiet.

    I would say call. If you write, you never know if it reached him. I have only known a handful of adopted people but most of them are very open to at least knowing who their biological families are. Best of luck to you with your search!

    Jill May 1, 2009 at 11:28 am

    Hi! It’s my first time reading your blog and, my luck, I happen upon it when you’ve posted about something I have no good response to. :)

    This is a tricky, delicate topic, it seems. I am trying to think about how your brother would feel if you posted his name. If he wanted to find you, I think he would be beyond elated that you posted his name on your blog. If he’s a very private person, he might be furious. I don’t know…I guess it’s a risk/reward scenario that you have to weigh out. Maybe try other avenues then post his name as a last resort?

    I think if he read your posts about him after finding his name on your blog, he’d understand that you have the right intentions. That much is very obvious.

    I posted on my blog once about a person who died on 9/11 at the World Trade Center. It was a commemorative project where each blogger was given the name of one individual to write about. I posted the man’s picture and stories I’d gathered about him. I posted the name of his wife and his children and wrote a poem about their loss.

    About a year later, I got an email from this man’s lovely wife. She wrote me to say thank you and told me how much the post meant to her. I later heard from her daughter, who wrote to say thank you as well. I have since kept in touch with them.

    I know this isn’t at all the same but I guess those people could have flipped out on me as well. You never know…

    Anyway, sorry for the long comment. Best of luck with your search. I think it’s great that you’re doing this.

    Jill May 1, 2009 at 11:30 am

    Woo hoo to free loaner computers!

    Best of luck in finding your brother. I think it was right to not publish his name. Like you said, you don’t know what or if he knows about the circumstances of his birth and subsequent adoption, so pulling him into the story so publicy might not go over so well.

    Jen May 1, 2009 at 11:32 am

    I don’t have any personal experience to lend advice but I did want to say that I’m glad you are finding answers and I hope that it continues to be a “happy” journey for you and that in the end you all get something good from this.

    Joy May 1, 2009 at 11:45 am

    I would refrain from posting his name until permission has been given, simply, as the previous commenters have said, because of privacy rights. He might be rabid about protecting his personal space, or he could turn out to be incredibly open. As well, he may not want to pursue contact at this time depending on the feelings of his ‘real’ parents toward the often thorny issue of adoption and sharing with birth families…

    I am somewhat inclined to take a tempered, but rosy, view toward adoption. My mother’s two long-lost half-siblings, who are full siblings, have just been in contact with each other. On Saturday. After more than 15 years of looking. I don’t know what their discussion was like, but my two Aunts connected by phone. And when my Aunt first made contact with my family, it was by phone, and was a short conversation verifying identities, and so on, and leaving contact information for my family to respond to.

    ASK your brother, when you phone or write (depending on YOUR level of comfort with either method of communication), and you confirm he is indeed the person you are looking for, which method of communication he prefers to pursue. And then follow his lead. Personally, I would opt for the initial phone call if I knew I could get through the call without blubbering through the entire conversation.

    If you want to converse about families, and feelings, and finding long-lost adoptive siblings, please feel free to email me, and I’ll share my family’s experience with you.

    Good luck, and stay strong. I agree, the ending to the story is important, regardless of what that ending is, ultimately.

    BoozleBox May 1, 2009 at 11:50 am

    I’m not sure what documentation you have but I know in the UK there is a register for adopted people and their birth families which means they can positively say they are happy to be contacted. Is there such a thing in the US?

    My guess would be he would welcome contact from his birth family but that’s not always true. I can’t help thinking about what would happen if he doesn’t even know he’s adopted and then he gets a letter in the post saying ‘Hi – I’m your half sister!’ I don’t want to put a downer on this but it’s tough without knowing anything about him.

    Amber May 1, 2009 at 11:51 am

    You have to admit a wireless labradoodle would be very handy.

    I wouldn’t publish his name. This is a big deal, and I think respecting his privacy is important. Placing a classified ad without your name would be very different than publishing his name on a well-trafficked blog. I think you made the right call.

    bellaf May 1, 2009 at 11:56 am

    I don’t think it’s right to publish his name, specially without knowing of his situation. It may be he doesn’t even know he is adopted. Even if he does know, he may not appreciate being exposed on the internet. I know I wouldn’t. You have A LOT of readers. Readers who can google his name and find out about him and contact him. Imagine being inundated with things like that out of the blue.

    Now you have his name and will soon find him. I sincerely hope all goes well. It’s an interesting story for you to tell and for us to read, but the particulars of it are intimate. They concern your family, this man and this man’s family only.

    K May 1, 2009 at 12:04 pm

    Wow, thank you for sharing the news.

    I agree to keep his name off the blog for now. First, just for the sake of privacy, and second because what if he Googled himself and just found you, it seems like it would be more of a shock than hearing from you. but maybe that doesn’t make sense. I don’t know. Gut says you are right though.

    If it were me, I would write. A letter (or email, although I like actual letters) he can read and re-read and come back to, and process it in his own time.

    Annika May 1, 2009 at 12:16 pm

    I think (and this is gut instinct, not based on any experience) that the how is by whatever means are available to you. So for instance, if you find him on Facebook, you send him a FB message or, if his profile is public and lists his phone number, you work up your courage and call.

    Anonymous May 1, 2009 at 12:20 pm

    You don’t publish this name any where without his consent, and as far as contact with him? HE should be the one to initiate it by signing up for adoption information registries, and you and your mom should do the same. Your mom gave up her right to disrupt his life when he was put up for adoption. He may not even know he was adopted. No one has any right to create another huge disturbance in his life if he doesn’t clearly choose it.

    Sorry, i don’t mean to be harsh, but some adoptions are meant to be kept secret, and it really should be HIS decision.

    clueless but hopeful mama May 1, 2009 at 12:21 pm

    Adding my voice to the chorus: I would NOT post his name (for privacy reasons) and I would write him a hand written letter. He deserves some time to process this and respond as he sees fit, without the pressure of a surprise phone call (or Google search) out of the blue.

    Best of luck, Catherine. I, like many, am hoping for a happy ending for you and your mom. Whatever that might look like to you.

    Lesley May 1, 2009 at 12:32 pm

    Hi! I agree with most people…not posting his name until you’ve been able to talk to him. I have two sides of the story. My father-in-law didn’t know he was adopted until he was 35 and a slightly drunk and beligerent woman told him at a family gathering that he was her sister and was given up by her parents. (The adoption was in the family). He had no idea that he was adopted and it was initially shocking. So, you never know if someone was never told.

    On the other side, one of my most favorite people in the world was found a few years ago by the daughter she gave up 36 years ago. The daughter tracked her down and said the most beautiful thing…something like, “I’m Susie Q and I’m your daughter. I wanted to call you and let you know that I had a wonderful adoptive and life and just hoped you’ve had a great life, too…” Needless to say, they have a special relationship and my friend was so happy to find out that the daughter she gave up was so loved. I think the daughter actually tracked down the birth father first and it was the birth father who called my friend to let her know they had “been found”. So, she had a few minutes to digest and know she was about to call.

    So many possibilities for his reaction, but I wish you and he the best of luck…

    Monica May 1, 2009 at 12:33 pm

    I would absolutely not post his name until you’ve talked to him and have his approval.

    As for contact, the most important part of it is giving him a way out if he doesn’t want to be contacted. I recommend the first contact be via telephone/facebook. Somewhere you have a reasonable certainty that he has control of whether to continue contact or cut it off.

    Although you’re highly invested in this search now, he may not be at the same point and you need to be prepared for him to need time to process.

    Good luck – I’m hoping for you.

    Bekka May 1, 2009 at 12:46 pm

    While I agree that you probably shouldn’t post the name in the blog where it’s linked directly to your entire search and life, you should absolutely post his name somewhere, in registries, in classified ads, so that if he’s looking for you as well, it’s an extra link.

    caramama May 1, 2009 at 1:23 pm

    I just started to wonder, what if he doesn’t know he was adopted? I know if he was still a child, you would have to contact his parents. What does a person do in this case, with him as an adult? I guess just reach out to him (assuming you find him, and I am assuming that) and tell him if he doesn’t know. Just wondering if you had thought about how to handle that.

    I agree with keeping his name off the site. While your blog would be (and I think has been) a great tool to assist in finding him, I think that it should be up to him (when you find him) as to whether or not you put his name out there.

    As always, I wish you the best of luck in this search! How exciting to have found the name he goes by!

    daysgoby May 1, 2009 at 1:50 pm

    I really, really, REALLY hope someday soon we’ll see a picture of a smiling man holding Emilia and a blog post named ‘Little boy found’

    I guess posting his name here would be determinate on if you had a terrible time with leads. It could be a very useful tool, if need be.

    Denise May 1, 2009 at 2:02 pm

    Wow I wish you the best of luck finding your brother. I recently found my brother, whom I hadn’t seen since I was 12, and it was a great reunion. I found him on MySpace of all places, and his kids didn’t even know they had an aunt. It was a big shocker for a lot of folks.

    I’m riding the fence on not publishing his name. We don’t care about anyone else’s privacy when we publish names on here, say locations or nearby places, events and personal business regarding these people. So why is it such a big thing to publish his name to find him? And if he finds it and deems it invasive and offensive, there’s always the DELETE button.

    But then again, the question still hits me that he might not know he was adopted… and this knowledge might disrupt his life.

    Whatever you decide, I wish you the very best of luck! I was elated to find my brother and there’s an emptiness that’s been filled. You and yours are in my thoughts and prayers…

    brenna May 1, 2009 at 2:16 pm

    I guess I don’t see why just posting his name would be that big of a deal, but I understand that you’d rather err on the side of caution. Could help him find you, though; people google themselves all the time.

    April May 1, 2009 at 2:36 pm

    i have no advice, but wanted to lend my support. ((hugs))

    April May 1, 2009 at 2:39 pm

    ok, i lied… a little bit of advice. if you do the letter route, send it certified return receipt so you’re not forever wondering if he actually got it.

    ((more hugs))

    Baby in the City May 1, 2009 at 2:47 pm

    I’d go one step further than not publishing his name, I would say that you should not post about any details of your search. Emotions, sure, but writing about anything beyond your inner most thoughts and feelings might backfire. As you say, it is quite possible that someone in his life reads your blog and putting two and two together might not be so tough. Imagine if someone whom he would never tell his private business is reading about it publicly. If that were me, I’d be not only mortified, but angry.
    Personally, I have VERY different ideas about the boundaries of privacy than those of my family. I am constantly hearing “it’s my story too” and my reaction is always “well, I can fix that. Bye!”
    So, I caution you, just because you think you’ve gone far enough in drawing the line, he might not agree. And remember, you are getting advice/comments from a chorus that engages in blogs, not from the legions who think blogging is weird and vain, etc. blah blah blah. But you know that opinion is out there.

    If it were me, I think I’d register with the registry, make it possible for him to find your mom and you. Beyond that, a REGISTERED letter. Gotta make sure it actually gets delivered.

    Good luck!! xoxo

    just a kat May 1, 2009 at 2:48 pm

    Agree with the majority – totally personal – may run him off to know his name and deets were on a blog.
    I agree with April, if you send the letter, do it as she suggests – that way you know it WAS received and the ball is clearly in his court.
    You have to be TOTALLY emotionally prepped for the reaction – be it positive or negative. As one above me stated “what if he doesnt know he was adopted?”. That could TOTALLY knock his world off the axis. On the other hand – he could be waiting to see if someone is interested enough to pursue a “look see”. You just never know with people. He could be gung ho, then have his feet get cold after 1 or 10 meetings. It’s a VERY emotional undertaking for everyone involved and I wish you and mum all the luck in the world. I wish you good luck and happiness!!

    Anonymous May 1, 2009 at 3:05 pm

    I’m reading your Blog since forever over here in germany. My mom gave me away when i was a baby. I met her and my sister she is only one year younger than me. I would never let them go again. I hope for you that you are gonna find your brother. He must be proud to have such a great sister.
    The things you say make me understand my stranger mom and sister better, sometimes. Thanks

    Rhonda May 1, 2009 at 3:33 pm

    I do not think you should publish his name, privacy being the main reason. However, I also had the thought that cruel people do exist on this planet, and I would hate to see you taken advantage of by someone who would read this story, take the name if you published it, and string you along trying to make you think that they either know your brother, have contact with him, or are him. Does that make sense?

    Best of luck to you with your search.

    aqua May 1, 2009 at 4:39 pm

    I wish you best of luck with the search!!
    I agree that you should keep his name off the blog.
    I have no experience whatsoever with this, so my opinion is completely irrelevant, but I would contact him by facebook or email, but not call him. An email he can ignore if he so chooses. Calls — even voicemails — are a little trickier, I would imagine.
    Have you googled him? Do you have any idea where he lives, or what he does for a living?

    Norm May 1, 2009 at 4:40 pm

    I’ve never done anything like this before, so I can’t help, really. But if it were me and my long lost sister appeared I’d be effin’ delighted, no matter how she introduced herself. Particularly if she were someone as fantastically cool as you.

    adjustmentdisorder May 1, 2009 at 4:41 pm

    I agree with your decision not to publish his name… this way you will have a bit more control on how you communicate your story to him, and you will respect his privacy. If you are able to get some contact information for him, I would recommend writing to him (either by e-mail or in a letter) first… that will give him time to process this important information. I wish you the best of luck!

    Catutes May 1, 2009 at 4:50 pm

    I have to agree with your choice. It’s a privacy issue. My husband’s adopted and while we would like to know about his family, whether his married parents had other children, it would be shocking and terrifying to discover that in a public venue.

    If you know his address, send a letter explaining the situation, your desire to connect and know him. If he reaches out, then he’s interested. If not, then you know he might want to be left alone.

    Elisabeth May 1, 2009 at 5:06 pm

    I think it could do a lot of damage to your future relationship if you publish his name on your blog. Ditto if you publish too many details of your search. And if you find him, I hope he will consent to being blogged about (because I want to hear the end of the story) – but if he doesn’t -well that would be a completely reasonable position for him to take. Bloggers exist in a world where privacy has been sacrificed for other gains. However, there are plenty of people in the world that can’t relate to the loss of privacy associated with blogging. Your brother may well be one of them.

    Good luck.

    Her Bad Mother May 1, 2009 at 6:15 pm

    For everyone who is asking – I haven’t found *him* yet, but I have found about a half dozen men who *could* be him. The question is how to narrow it down, approach people who might *not* be him…

    Her Bad Mother May 1, 2009 at 6:16 pm

    And yeah, some of them are on Facebook. I’ve spent way too much time squinting at teeny little pictures.

    ewe are here May 1, 2009 at 6:19 pm

    You’re doing the right thing by NOT publishing his name on your blog. Adoptions 40 years ago are not like adoptions today; many people ‘hid’ them, sometimes even from the children themselves… and even if he knows he was adopted, he has a right to not have that spread all over the web.

    I contintue to wish you much luck in your search, and I hope it has a happy ending. For all of you.

    Chrissy May 1, 2009 at 6:42 pm

    People have many different feelings about their name being out there on the internet. The birth father of the son I placed for adoption 23 years ago read me the riot act a couple of months ago when he was confronted by a business client about his name coming up on the adoption registry that I am on. He emailed me and demanded that I take all of his personal information off of there and told me that I had no right to do that. I have no problem with my name being out there because I want to be accessible to him if he wants to find me. You never know how somebody might take it, or who might be the one to tell him about it if somebody finds out before he does. Personally, if I ever find my son, I want to be the one to tell him that I’ve been looking for him or have found him, not the neighbor down the street that decided to google his name one night.

    Merrily Down the Stream May 1, 2009 at 8:15 pm

    I wish you well on this journey. I don’t really have advice, my son wanted to find me and he did – it is all so amazing. Holding you in the light.

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