The Road Hard Travelled

July 22, 2009


I am crying as I write this. Which means, basically, that post-partum hormones still surge through my body even over a year after the fact, and threaten to undo me at every turn. Also, that I am a sap.

I am a sap, and I am undone.

Soon, I will climb into a car and drive away from my children. This is a mixed thing: I so crave the break, the time to myself, but I ache at the very thought of being without my babies. My girl, I know, will be fine, and I will be fine without her, because we have done this before, and because she so loves her time with her daddy and the promise of a gift from somewhere far away. My boy, on the other hand, I don’t know. We’ve never been apart for more than twenty-four hours, and the one night that we did spend apart was painful for us both. I know that he is going to cry and reach for me as he sees me leave. I know that I am going to cry – more than I am crying right this minute – as I watch him watch me go.

As I drive away I will think about how much I will miss him – and her – and I will cry and wring my hands, but I will also think about how much I will enjoy the time away and I will thrill, a little, with excitement. And somewhere in the space between anxiety and anticipation, I hope, I will find peace.

Otherwise, this weekend is going to require a lot of liquor.

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    Jennifer July 22, 2009 at 7:46 am

    I’m sorry. Have a great time and try to remember that your husband can probably handle whatever comes up. If not, he’ll call you repeatedly (at least, mine would) and it’ll be like you never left home.
    .-= Jennifer´s last blog ..Why did I think having girls would be easier? =-.

    Amy @ Muddy Boots July 22, 2009 at 7:53 am

    After so many hours alone in a car with them, you definitely deserve a little break and a little thrill… and maybe more than a little liquor.

    But won’t it be fun to see them run into your arms when you get back??
    .-= Amy @ Muddy Boots´s last blog ..wordless wednesday – x-rated food =-.

    Jessica July 22, 2009 at 7:59 am

    I know just how you feel! The couple of times I was apart from my son overnight I was a little weepy, but then quickly toughened up. It’s such an odd thing, motherhood. We can’t wait to get a break, but then we miss them immediately :)
    .-= Jessica´s last blog ..Blame boredome =-.

    sam {temptingmama} July 22, 2009 at 8:05 am

    This is also the first time I’m leaving Hudson for more than 24 hours. Yesterday I was okay with it, but now I’m feeling quite anxious.

    Thinking of you. I so now how you’re feeling. xo
    .-= sam {temptingmama}´s last blog ..The Obligatory ZOMG!!!11! #BlogHer09 Post =-.

    cagey (Kelli Oliver George) July 22, 2009 at 8:09 am

    I am leaving with mixed feelings, too. And my oldest is already upset he doesn’t get to come on a plane. And the youngest has never slept a night without me. But still, I need the break.
    .-= cagey (Kelli Oliver George)´s last blog ..Where is? =-.

    kgirl July 22, 2009 at 8:13 am

    This is definitley the toughest part of any trip. But once you get that first phone call assuring you that he’s ok, you can relax and have a good time for those of us that aren’t there!
    .-= kgirl´s last blog ..Kgirl’s Book Club – Six Months in Sudan =-.

    Amanda July 22, 2009 at 8:15 am

    There’s a whimper in the air. Raising a little hankie and nodding as I shudder. See you in Chi-babyless-go
    .-= Amanda´s last blog ..Finless =-.

    JD at I Do Things July 22, 2009 at 8:44 am

    I don’t have kids, so I can’t say, “Oh, I know just how you feel!” but I DO know that there are going to be zillions of other crying, hand-wringing moms at BlogHer who will be having a stupendous time.

    I’m looking forward to meeting you and hearing you read at the Keynote. See you in the Green Room!
    .-= JD at I Do Things ´s last blog ..I’m Wearing Clothes to BlogHer so you don’t have to =-.

    Pocklock July 22, 2009 at 8:56 am

    I’m in a holding pattern. I want to go so bad. And I AM going, but I’ve never left her before. NEVER for more than 9-hours. I know she’ll be fine. Her Daddy is MORE than capable. She may ask for me. I’ll see her on Skype. But my goodness. THREE DAYS away from her little face. Away from holding her fat little hand. Away from helping her with her bottle even though I got a shove this morning that had, I-can-do-this-myself,-MOM written all over it.

    I’m crying right along with you.
    .-= Pocklock´s last blog ..Maine – May, 2009 =-.

    Chantal July 22, 2009 at 9:55 am

    I agree with Amy, the return makes the whole trip worth while. Enjoy it as much as you can.
    Take Care.
    .-= Chantal´s last blog ..Boy, was I a grump yesterday =-.

    Becca July 22, 2009 at 9:55 am

    Oh I do so know how you feel. The ache that you think will not leave your body until you return home and feel their little arms wrapped around you. I don’t know why I go away since all I do is talk about them when I am away! But, you will have a fantastic time and I’m sure the time will fly by. And nothing will be better than seeing those little faces upon your return and you’ll feel refreshed and ready to jump right back into mommy-ing!
    .-= Becca´s last blog ..In the Nude =-.

    Maria July 22, 2009 at 10:17 am

    I leave tomorrow morning and feel the same way. My son is eight months old and I’ll be pumping the whole time. And sobbing all morning tomorrow.
    .-= Maria´s last blog ..hi, I’m from the internet =-.

    Issa July 22, 2009 at 10:42 am

    I have no helpful words, because I too have spent the morning crying and am likely too all day.

    But just know, you are not alone.

    Ginger July 22, 2009 at 10:42 am

    I have spent two nights away from my baby and it was hand wringing the whole time, but then, I was at a business conference I HAD to attend, not something fun like BlogHer where I might rejuvenate my soul. I hope it doesn’t hurt too much, all of you.
    .-= Ginger´s last blog ..Why some girls just need to go to a salon =-.

    April July 22, 2009 at 11:45 am

    you’ll have a great time! i know the feeling though… i have a girl’s weekend coming up in september that i’m aching for and dreading all in the same moment. time away is good though… right? ;-)
    .-= April´s last blog ..He’s Just Not That Into You. =-.

    Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting July 22, 2009 at 11:58 am

    I am absolutely of the same mind. As much as I’d like the adult-time with lots of mommy’s friends, leaving 5 of my 6 kids (because I have to bring my breastfeeding infant) is ridiculously hard. I’ve been there done that with the Disney trip, and it wasn’t easy then either.
    .-= Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting´s last blog ..Am I Still Going to BlogHer? =-.

    Loukia July 22, 2009 at 11:59 am

    Let us know how you do! I can’t leave my children for more than 24 hours – I’ve only ever done it twice – and it’s hard! Good luck. Aww. It’s tough!

    Merritt July 22, 2009 at 12:07 pm

    I find that even though I miss my kids when I’m gone (or they’re gone), I’m so grateful for the “me time”. All moms need that time alone, and I think it makes us better moms when we come back because we realize (and remember) that being a mom is pretty cool. You’ll have a great time and appreciate your kids all the more when you get home!
    .-= Merritt´s last blog ..It’s not like I asked him to put it on his forehead =-.

    BOSSY July 22, 2009 at 1:01 pm

    Bossy can tell she is an old fart and her kids are getting to be old farts because Bossy doesn’t get teary when she leaves. So much time clocked with them, a few days won’t hurt anyone. And the promise of liquor, that always helps.
    .-= BOSSY´s last blog ..Bossy Is Reading The World’s Biggest Book =-.

    Amber July 22, 2009 at 1:43 pm

    I hope that you have a great time, and that your kids have a great time. I’m sure everyone will be OK, and that you’ll find the peace you need. Or the liquor. But either way.

    All the same I understand. I’m not going to BlogHer because at 11 months I’m not ready to be away from my baby for that long, and he’s not fit for an event like this. It’s hard to leave. So hard.

    But I’m also more than a little jealous of everyone who’s going. Have a great time! :)
    .-= Amber´s last blog ..Going Part-Time =-.

    Mama Snyder July 22, 2009 at 4:16 pm

    I’ll be thinking of you – it’s so hard to leave. Perhaps simple advice, but remember that in order to be the “baddest” mom, you have to have some time for yourself, so that you are able to give to your babes. Also, good lesson for the man to learn, I can leave and will return to you.

    Have fun and enjoy some time to yourself
    .-= Mama Snyder´s last blog ..Diagnosed =-.

    flutter July 22, 2009 at 11:44 pm

    .-= flutter´s last blog ..Tick tock, tick tock, KABOOM! =-.

    sarah July 22, 2009 at 11:53 pm

    Oh, I so hear this. Right now I am basking in the ironic joy that my 3 y/o was such a nightmare tonight; it makes leaving him for 4 days *seem* like a great thing at the moment.

    But I’m pretty sure I’ll cry myself to sleep over it tonight and again tomorrow when they drop me at the airport.
    .-= sarah´s last blog ..My obligatory "OHMYGAH, BLOGHER IS IN 2 DAYS!" post… =-.

    Haley-O July 22, 2009 at 11:56 pm

    I remember the first time I left my very clingy Rascal at around ~16mo. It was for a trip to Bermuda for a friend’s wedding. I went on my own and left the hub with the kids. It was SO hard. But, I QUICKLY let go of the sadness and enjoyed the heck out of myself. This time to ourselves is so key to our happiness, and to our children’s — whether they know it or not.
    .-= Haley-O´s last blog ..WHAT I’M BRINGING TO BLOGHER =-.

    juli July 23, 2009 at 12:29 am

    I’ve been apart from my still nursing twenty month old a precious few times in his life; the longest being a 4 night trip halfway across the country. In my admittedly limited experience I’ve found that the anticipation of leaving him is much harder than actually being gone. Once I am distracted by my new environment I can really settle in and trust that he is having as good a time as I am. I hope the same for you. Praying for you and your trip.
    .-= juli´s last blog ..Then and Now =-.

    Ann July 23, 2009 at 9:47 am

    I am so sorry to tell you this but this will happen again and again as they get older. The first day of school I was a wreck. Walking away from the school I didn’t think I would make it all the way home before my heart broke. The first time they went on a school sleep away trip I thought my heart was being pulled out. And now just talking to my son about the colleges he is looking at I start to cry. They are such a gift and I know we raise them to grow up and become independent but my heart breaks just thinking about it. Hope you have a great trip.
    .-= Ann´s last blog ..Running Away =-.

    xandy July 23, 2009 at 4:54 pm

    have missed my 6 and 8 yo for two WEEKS now, and this third week will be the last. I’m sure they will have grown at least an inch. and I KNOW that we all missed each other. And that we all have so much to share and to grow about. It’s all good. Part of the life cycle…

    Legs July 25, 2009 at 5:18 am

    Boy I know how you feel.

    This too shall pass.

    .-= Legs´s last blog ..My ? is back =-.

    bubbs July 25, 2009 at 9:23 pm

    wow. am i the only mother who has the simple, unadulterated feeling of JOY at the thought of leaving the sprogs behind? even the 9 month old. heck, particularly the 9 month old. can’t wait to get on that plane and not afraid to say it.

    LAVENDULA July 27, 2009 at 10:04 am

    my baby is 4 and she is on vacation away from me for the first time poor husband has had to make calls home to me to settle her down (night terrors)and because she won’t stop crying because she misses me so much.its too quiet here with just myself and teenage daughter 8 year old is fine but i miss my big morning hugs from her…hope you enjoy your break and you will get lots of hugs when you get back home

    Dagmar Bleasdale July 30, 2009 at 12:09 am

    Aw, I know how that feels! The first time I left L for a night he did just fine, and I did too (I blogged about that), but then little things will make me cry, like leaving him at preschool for a couple of hours or even seeing ANOTHER mom drop off her son for the first time (didn’t blog about that – too embarrassing). So hard to leave them :(

    (Love your blog, want to exchange links?)

    .-= Dagmar Bleasdale´s last blog ..I Reached 100 Subscribers of! =-.

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